Who should be responsible for the maintenance of parents' grave if you're an only child and you're not local?

[Anonymous]

My parents died 24 and 15 years ago.

I'm an only child and I live 6 to 7 hours (or a plane ride) away from the cemetery, which is in my hometown where my parents had lived their whole lives.

Most of my relatives are local but they don't maintain the grave or even visit (or rarely).

One of my mom's brothers texted me today to say the bush I planted by my parents' grave Is out of control and I need to prune it more regularly.
He sent me a picture of the grave and the bush.

I can't really hop on a plane to do some pruning. I'll do it next time I visit. Uncle says the bush needs pruning twice a year in certain months.

I guess I'm annoyed my aunt and uncle never get in touch with me throughout the year and this felt like a criticism.

[Anonymous]

Could you hire a local landscaper? Task rabbit? Can you pay the cemetery caretaker to do extra?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you hire a local landscaper? Task rabbit? Can you pay the cemetery caretaker to do extra?

Good suggestions, thanks.
I will get in touch with the cemetery caretaker.
Or maybe the local undertaker knows someone who could do this.

(My uncle didn't even visit the grave. It was a neighbour of his who went and took the picture and sent it to him.)

[Anonymous]

I am pretty sure that at the cemetary where my family gets buried, there's perpetual landscaping care. You can pay for that and people at the cemetary handle it for you regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty sure that at the cemetary where my family gets buried, there's perpetual landscaping care. You can pay for that and people at the cemetary handle it for you regularly.

In a lot of countries, this is not the case. I've seen companies that offer this service, since often the surviving family members move away.

Though seems like in OP's case, it would have been better not to plant a bush that requires routine maintenance.

[Anonymous]

You're the child. It's on you to take care of this. You can ask for help but that's about it.

[Anonymous]

They are aholes and you or they can hire a pruner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're the child. It's on you to take care of this. You can ask for help but that's about it.

Not every family or community works like this.

[Anonymous]

Unkind of your uncle to send that instead of tidying it himself. I'm sorry.

Does it bother you that the grave is untended? I don't know that it would bother me, I think a plant growing wild can be beautiful.

[Anonymous]

The cemetery is responsible. The bush is fine. If he wants to he can trim it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty sure that at the cemetary where my family gets buried, there's perpetual landscaping care. You can pay for that and people at the cemetary handle it for you regularly.

+1

I've never heard of there being any further work after the funeral, the cemetery handle's it. Can you call the cemetery? See how this is often handled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty sure that at the cemetary where my family gets buried, there's perpetual landscaping care. You can pay for that and people at the cemetary handle it for you regularly.

In a lot of countries, this is not the case. I've seen companies that offer this service, since often the surviving family members move away.

Though seems like in OP's case, it would have been better not to plant a bush that requires routine maintenance.

I'm the OP.

It's a lavender bush.

I love lavender and I was persuaded by a close family friend who loves fragrant flowers too to plant lavender by my parents' grave.

The family friend told me that she would maintain the grave and prune the lavender in my absence. And she did, for many years.

The family friend turned 70 this year and now has long-term physical and mental health issues so she is no longer able to do this.
I'm on my own.

[Anonymous]

If you didn't ask if you wanted it him to tend it, I just tell him you'll cut it down next time your there. He was probably embarrassed for being called out knowing he could do it. He only cares because someone said something. Your parents certainly don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't ask if you wanted it him to tend it, I just tell him you'll cut it down next time your there. He was probably embarrassed for being called out knowing he could do it. He only cares because someone said something. Your parents certainly don't.

Sorry that first said it's got all messed up. "It should read, "if he didn't ask if you wanted him to tend it..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't ask if you wanted it him to tend it, I just tell him you'll cut it down next time your there. He was probably embarrassed for being called out knowing he could do it. He only cares because someone said something. Your parents certainly don't.

No, he didn't ask if I wanted him to tend it.

None of my relatives ever ask. Probably because they never visit.

I agree with you and I also think he was embarrassed because his neighbor had sent him the picture of the overgrown lavender.