Who should be responsible for the maintenance of parents' grave if you're an only child and you're not local?

[Anonymous]

OP, you planted something. You didn't need to plant something. The cemetery grounds are maintained by the groundskeepers. They won't touch your bush. You made the decision to add something. That becomes your responsibility. Lots of people do this. I wouldn't. Don't do it if you're not going to visit regularly and prune the bush.

Btw, visiting a gravesite is not a moral obligation, in many people's opinion. For many people it is no reflection on your love for that person. Some people will judge, many don't.

[Anonymous]

At least uncle let you know so you can hire someone to clean it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him that given you can't get there that often, he's welcome to take on this task. You don't mind at all if he prunes it!

This. You know he's not going to.
And then I would contact the cemetery and see if they have recommendations for someone you could pay for upkeep or to take out the shrub.

[Anonymous]

Is this in the US?

[Anonymous]

Yank out the bush. If you don't have perpetual care at the cemetery maybe hire a task rabbit.
My dad is buried in perpetual care cemetery. Mom in VA Cemetery with her 2nd husband. I last visited either maybe 2012.

[Anonymous]

People care for graves? Move on.

[Anonymous]

The cemetery mows around the grave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't ask if you wanted it him to tend it, I just tell him you'll cut it down next time your there. He was probably embarrassed for being called out knowing he could do it. He only cares because someone said something. Your parents certainly don't.

No, he didn't ask if I wanted him to tend it.

None of my relatives ever ask. Probably because they never visit.

I agree with you and I also think he was embarrassed because his neighbor had sent him the picture of the overgrown lavender.

Your uncle’s neighbor visits your parents graves?

Anyway, I wouldn’t make a special trip for this. I wouldn’t worry about it, either. It’s bizarre to me that he visits yet can’t be bothered to prune the bush at his sister’s grave. What a piece of work!

[Anonymous]

You have done the best that you can do by visiting your parents grave. A loving gesture and remberence of them. God bless you for doing that! For goodness sakes, most grave sites don’t have visitors

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is okay that you do not like your uncle.

He does not have to care for the grave. That would only be a temporary solution anyway, since he is undoubtedly old akso.

Sorry, this adulting stuff is not fun.

+1. Not sure why your uncle is the bad guy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty sure that at the cemetary where my family gets buried, there's perpetual landscaping care. You can pay for that and people at the cemetary handle it for you regularly.

In a lot of countries, this is not the case. I've seen companies that offer this service, since often the surviving family members move away.

Though seems like in OP's case, it would have been better not to plant a bush that requires routine maintenance.

But it is the case in the US where cemetaries ard highly regulated due to concerns of polluting groundwater. Usually the interment fees cover perpetual (sometlme
minimal) care. Contact the groundskeeper at the cemetery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty sure that at the cemetary where my family gets buried, there's perpetual landscaping care. You can pay for that and people at the cemetary handle it for you regularly.

In a lot of countries, this is not the case. I've seen companies that offer this service, since often the surviving family members move away.

Though seems like in OP's case, it would have been better not to plant a bush that requires routine maintenance.

I'm the OP.

It's a lavender bush.

I love lavender and I was persuaded by a close family friend who loves fragrant flowers too to plant lavender by my parents' grave.

The family friend told me that she would maintain the grave and prune the lavender in my absence. And she did, for many years.

The family friend turned 70 this year and now has long-term physical and mental health issues so she is no longer able to do this.
I'm on my own.

Remove the bush. It is not reasonable for you to manage this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is okay that you do not like your uncle.

He does not have to care for the grave. That would only be a temporary solution anyway, since he is undoubtedly old akso.

Sorry, this adulting stuff is not fun.

+1. Not sure why your uncle is the bad guy here.

NP. Because he is local and it is his sister. Instead of whining to his niece/nephew who is clearly across the country (or in another country) he could do it himself or get one of the local relatives in good shape to do it.

[Anonymous]

Personally I would ignore this request. My dad died over 35 years ago and I have never visited once. He is in my hometown which I never visit. Your parents' don't care that their grave is 'overgrown" I did't even realize this is a thing! And I don't expect my kids to do it either.

If uncle cares so much he can do it.

[Anonymous]

Almost everyone either pays a caretaker or doesn't do anything.