Raising a Jewish kid with one Jewish/one atheist parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is nuts.

I am Jewish. My DH was raised Catholic but is not agnostic/atheistic. I'd say at this point his Jew-curious. We are raising our kid culturally Jewish though she has been to Catholic church with her grandmother and I'm happy to expose her to her Christian/non-Jewish heritage as my DH sees fit. He has issues with his Catholic upbringing and the Church and is not eager to pass on those issues to his daughter, so that tempers it.

We do celebrate a version of Christmas -- we do a small tree (usually a live tree that gets planted), hang up ornaments that DD made or that DH's family have given us, and we exchange gifts on Christmas morning. We have also spent Christmas with DH's family but stopped because his mom is extremely religious and always wants to do a ton of events, including midnight mass and other things, and DH finds it to be too much and has chosen to instead spend Thanksgiving with them. This is fine with me as I didn't love the Christmas stuff, but I married a non-Jew so was also fine dealing with it. In some ways I think being Jewish made it easier for me to deal with someone else's Christmas because it's not competing with some memory I had of my own Christmas.

In terms of our Jewishness, I was raised reform and am more willing to update and be flexible on Jewish traditions and holidays. But Jewish culture and history are VERY important to me. DD went to a Jewish preschool that is associated with a reform congregation we continue to attend events with, though we don't attend synagogue weekly. We do quite a bit with the local JCC and we spend most Jewish holidays with Jewish friends so that DD can feel like a part of a larger community. My family lives far away so we don't see them on most holidays often but we have done Passover with them several times and when the dates work out, we will sometimes spend at least a couple days of Hannukah with them since it sometimes coincides with school holidays. My parents are really glad we're raising DD Jewish and definitely talk to her about our traditions and family history and it is meaningful to her and them. She has a Jewish first name she shares with two (deceased) family members. She will have a bat mitzvah and we are hoping to do it jointly with two other Jewish families we know through Jewish community events who will turn 13 the same year.

I don't think it's super easy to raise a child with a strong sense of Jewish identity in a mixed family, because I don't think it's easy to raise a child with a strong Jewish identity in our culture generally, because I think we live in a culture without a lot of grounded values. I think the biggest issue with Christmas is the fixation on gifts and material goods that runs counter to both my Jewish values and personal beliefs, which don't like so much waste and materialism. I like that Christmas often has a charitable focus and we try to emphasize that -- it is also very in keeping with Jewish values and I think helps temper the fixation on gifts and just... stuff. I don't think doing Christmas "to the hilt" is in keeping with Jewish values though as others have pointed out, it might not be in keeping with Christian values either. We just try to keep it in check and not have everything be about more and bigger. We focus on family and togetherness and deeper meaning.

I think navigating these issues takes thoughtfulness and that every family must find their own way. My partner is supportive so that helps -- we never even discussed him converting, but I think participating in Jewish traditions and hearing my family talk about it has made him feel a part of it in a meaningful way. I think he had very negative associations with religion because he grew up in the Catholic Church during the height of when all the pedophile scandals were coming out, and he was really bothered by how his church and his own family handled that, so he's skeptical of organized religion and I understand why. I think that also informs our approach, which is much more to focus on family traditions, underlying meaning, and less of a focus on formal religious practice, though we do some of that as makes sense for us.

OP here. Thanks for the thought out response. All of the arguing on this thread has been ridiculous, but you gave me a few ideas. I hadn't thought about Jewish preschool or JCC involvement, both of which are great ideas. My DH sounds a lot like yours. He became very disillusioned with Catholicism and that is what drove him away from religion in general.

PP here. JCC is definitely a great resource, especially if you are not super religious and may not be as involved at synagogue. I think one of the best things about it is that they have family and kid-focused events so it's been a good way to meet other Jewish families, since after preschool we've been in public school and there are just fewer Jewish families around, at least where we live.

And a Jewish preschool is awesome! Our program was wonderful -- the kids did Shabbat every Friday and then learned about Jewish traditions throughout the year. They'd have a day to dress up for Purim and did a bunch of stuff to make it really fun for kids. They did a much better job of teaching DD about many of the traditions and their meanings than I was doing. I really highly recommend looking for something like this near you if you can find it.

Each of my grandkids took several classes at JCC. We’re not Jewish!

[Anonymous]

Why is there so much arguing on this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone done this, and if so, what did it look like? I (the DW) am an agnostic Jew, not a big religion person but strong connection to Israel and grew up going to Jewish camps and school. DH was raised Catholic and is now atheist with no connection to Christianity. He is fine with having a Jewish child but is not interested in converting, which is completely fine with me. What are things I can do to raise a child with a strong connection to Judaism without forcing DH to be something he is not? Some ideas:
-Teach Hebrew at a young age (DH learned Hebrew so he could participate in this as well)
-Shabbat dinner - we have done this quite a bit with my family anyway and some wine and challah are not objectionable to anyone!
-Trips to Israel (DH has been several times with me already)
-Jewish summer camp - will they take kids who don't go to synagogue?

I feel like that's not "enough" but don't want this to be onerous and also want to respect DH's choice to not participate in all of these things that he never asked to be involved in.

I am in your exact situation with school-age kids and I would start with sending your kid to a Jewish preschool. But then, honestly, I would join a Reform synagogue and send your kids to Hebrew school. You'll have lots of company, many secular Jews are agnostic and not particularly religious but join synagogues for the community and culture. And probably close to half the kids at ours have one non-Jewish parent. It's not like when we were kids, the reform synagogue I go to is very welcoming of non-Jewish partners/spouses and makes a big effort to make them feel included and appreciated whether they decide to convert or not. All of your ideas are good, but I think that if you really want your kids to have a strong connection to Judaism then giving them a chance to be part of a welcoming Jewish community is the best way to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much arguing on this thread?

Most of it was with the Christian woman who thinks she’s great at raising Jewish kids. She struck a nerve by being so cavalier. She’s annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much arguing on this thread?

Most of it was with the Christian woman who thinks she’s great at raising Jewish kids. She struck a nerve by being so cavalier. She’s annoying.

^^^ Here's the arguer-in-chief

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much arguing on this thread?

Most of it was with the Christian woman who thinks she’s great at raising Jewish kids. She struck a nerve by being so cavalier. She’s annoying.

^^^ Here's the arguer-in-chief

DP and no, that person is right. It was the non-Jew who stomped into the thread and was like "what, raising Jewish kids is super easy for us non-Jews! I love it! We love Christmas!" And then proceeded to get defensive and mad when people were critical of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much arguing on this thread?

Most of it was with the Christian woman who thinks she’s great at raising Jewish kids. She struck a nerve by being so cavalier. She’s annoying.

^^^ Here's the arguer-in-chief

DP and no, that person is right. It was the non-Jew who stomped into the thread and was like "what, raising Jewish kids is super easy for us non-Jews! I love it! We love Christmas!" And then proceeded to get defensive and mad when people were critical of this.

Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much arguing on this thread?

Most of it was with the Christian woman who thinks she’s great at raising Jewish kids. She struck a nerve by being so cavalier. She’s annoying.

^^^ Here's the arguer-in-chief

DP and no, that person is right. It was the non-Jew who stomped into the thread and was like "what, raising Jewish kids is super easy for us non-Jews! I love it! We love Christmas!" And then proceeded to get defensive and mad when people were critical of this.

Exactly

This thread got nasty fast. At the same time though, people would have been all over a white parent stating it was so easy to raise a mixed race kid …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much arguing on this thread?

Most of it was with the Christian woman who thinks she’s great at raising Jewish kids. She struck a nerve by being so cavalier. She’s annoying.

^^^ Here's the arguer-in-chief

DP and no, that person is right. It was the non-Jew who stomped into the thread and was like "what, raising Jewish kids is super easy for us non-Jews! I love it! We love Christmas!" And then proceeded to get defensive and mad when people were critical of this.

Exactly

This thread got nasty fast. At the same time though, people would have been all over a white parent stating it was so easy to raise a mixed race kid …

Yes, the PP had this exact vibe. Really failed to read the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much arguing on this thread?

Most of it was with the Christian woman who thinks she’s great at raising Jewish kids. She struck a nerve by being so cavalier. She’s annoying.

I see threads all the time by non-Christian posters who tell Christians how they as non-Christians are great at everything and know so much more about Christianity. It’s annoying too. Somehow we are told it’s not respectful and outright bigoted and hypocritical for not accepting their point of view.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am the non-Jew in this scenario and the mom! It’s not been hard at all. We do holidays, talk about being Jewish and family history, and are preparing for the bar mitzvah. We still do Christmas to the hilt but that seems to make no difference for my kid’s Jewish identity

Lol it sure is easy when nothing matters! I bet this PP loves to make a #HappyEastover Instagram post and is excited for the college fund contributions at the bar mitzvah.

so let me get this straight … you would have thought it better that my kid had no Jewish identity, vs having a non-Jewish parent who puts a lot of effort into it but also does (secular) Christmas?

I was responding to the tone of your post. OP is struggling with passing on their cultural heritage to their child in a mixed family. You are not of that heritage, but jump in with "oh it's easy! We just celebrated all the holidays and everyone is happy!"

OP is talking about something deeper than that, but since you aren't Jewish and I guess view your husband's and kid's Judaism as a fun excuse to have a party, you don't get that.

If you'd written a more thoughtful post about how you and your spouse have spoken with your child about their Jewishness, and specifically what kind of COMMUNITY you have provided around their Jewishness, people would not have responded as negatively. You sound unserious and so does your approach to religion and culture.

The person who was responding most negatively was apparently not even Jewish, and other posters people think my kid will never be Jewish anyway due to my gender. I think other people probably have more good faith to understand what I meant. And FWIW “fun excuse to have a party” is a big way that you create a religious identity. The word “party” is a little flip here (and one I never used BTW) - but communal events involving food are basically the backbone of religious celebrations that give children idenities.

When I started on my “journey” of raising a Jewish kid as an atheist ex-Catholic I didn’t really have any plan. My point to OP was that it ended up being not hard at all to create a Jewish child. I’m struggling to see how that offended anyone other than people looking to be offended for various reasons.

I get that the Christmas thing can be a trigger but my point in mentioning it is that my experience is that you don’t have to fear that allowing any non-Jewish elements into your household will mean your child doesn’t feel Jewish. I get that some people don’t want it at all, which is totally fine and understandable. in my case, the Jewish side of the family always celebrated Christmas and would have thought I was nuts (and probably a little supercilious) to prohibit it. I imagine that a lot of interfaith families have to negotiate the Christmas thing and my only point is that given everything else we do, celebrating Christmas has not confused my child about being Jewish at all, if that is a concern.

Look, I am the PP you are currently responding to, I AM Jewish, and I never said anything about your kid not being Jewish because of matrilineage. I'm reform, I don't care about that.

I AS A JEW found your initial comment and all of your responses extremely flippant and obnoxious. Religion is not about parties, and while food and coming together is important, there are a number of Jewish traditions that are much more somber than that and it's not just Jewish cosplay with some latkes.

You married into a Jewish family that celebrated Christmas and always has. Let's start there. This is not a universal experience.

I think your experience is "easy" because neither you nor your spouse is particularly religious, your spouse and his family don't have any real concerns about embracing aspects of Christian culture (this is not typical even among reform families) and therefore you haven't had to do any work.

But let me ask you this. You waltzed into this thread about raising a Jewish child in a mixed family, asserted it's easy and that your Jewish family lives Christmas, but have also been extremely defensive and are calling everyone ELSE rude for not congratulating you on figuring out how to do it.

Maybe do some introspection here and consider that just because you married a Jewish guy, you might not have it all figured out and maybe have less to contribute to a conversation about passing on Jewish culture than others do. You just sound incredibly entitled and flip. Which, by the way, isn't very Jewish.

wow ok, thanks. you seem motivated by something other than the honest input of how a family with non-Jewish parent can significantly contribute to the Jewish upbringing of their child. the “Jewish cosplay” think was a bit much. I’m sorry you’re mad that I didn’t find it difficult. I suspect that what you actually believe is that my child is not Jewish because I am not and because we do Christmas. I am saddened by this but I guess OP should take it as one piece of information.

Your an "atheist" who does Christmas to the hilt. You married a Jewish man who loves Christmas. You believe celebrating a few of the fun Jewish holidays (I'm guessing you don't do Yom Kippur "to the hilt") and telling your kid "you're Jewish! Your grandparents were also Jewish!) is good enough.

Cosplay is apt.

Again, I’m glad my actual family & community is more accepting than you are. Seriously what are you getting out of harassing me?

It is more than one poster “harassing” you.

OP is a Jew seeking advice from other Jews on how to raise a good Jew in a mixed family while respecting the non-Jew. You are the non-Jew. You’re not the one anyone wants to hear from. Simply stunning that you can’t understand that.

Simply stunning that you think you are doing anything to further the cause of interfaith families and “respecting the non-Jew.”

Again, I am NOT a Jew. I’m simply self-aware enough to know that I’m not the one OP wants to hear from.

Well that’s for OP to say. OP literally asked how to raise a Jewish child while respecting her non-Jewish spouse’s identity. I think my response as the non-Jewish spouse (with an identical background, atheist ex-Catholic) was germane. The point being that I have never found it inconvenient or felt disrespected at all aside from some initial tension over circumcision. The most disrespect I’ve gotten is here, right now, with the implication that the things I do are “cosplay” and that my DH himself is apparently not Jewish enough because he likes Christmas. If the endgame here is fewer Jews as more Jews intermarry, great job. But like I said, I have never experienced in person the attacks I am getting here.

No one is attacking you. You said something that was dismissive and rude to Jewish people, and when you were rightly criticized for it, you dug in and yelled at everyone. No one here is suggesting that Jews not intermarry.

Your defensiveness about the "cosplay" accusation is telling. Ask yourself why it bothers you so much.

I’m Jewish and didn’t find anything she wrote dismissive or rude. You don’t speak for all Jews and frankly your vitriol is making you look bad. I’d say you’re making Jews look bad, but again, one person’s actions or beliefs do not define the whole group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the non-Jew in this scenario and the mom! It’s not been hard at all. We do holidays, talk about being Jewish and family history, and are preparing for the bar mitzvah. We still do Christmas to the hilt but that seems to make no difference for my kid’s Jewish identity

Lol it sure is easy when nothing matters! I bet this PP loves to make a #HappyEastover Instagram post and is excited for the college fund contributions at the bar mitzvah.

so let me get this straight … you would have thought it better that my kid had no Jewish identity, vs having a non-Jewish parent who puts a lot of effort into it but also does (secular) Christmas?

I was responding to the tone of your post. OP is struggling with passing on their cultural heritage to their child in a mixed family. You are not of that heritage, but jump in with "oh it's easy! We just celebrated all the holidays and everyone is happy!"

OP is talking about something deeper than that, but since you aren't Jewish and I guess view your husband's and kid's Judaism as a fun excuse to have a party, you don't get that.

If you'd written a more thoughtful post about how you and your spouse have spoken with your child about their Jewishness, and specifically what kind of COMMUNITY you have provided around their Jewishness, people would not have responded as negatively. You sound unserious and so does your approach to religion and culture.

The person who was responding most negatively was apparently not even Jewish, and other posters people think my kid will never be Jewish anyway due to my gender. I think other people probably have more good faith to understand what I meant. And FWIW “fun excuse to have a party” is a big way that you create a religious identity. The word “party” is a little flip here (and one I never used BTW) - but communal events involving food are basically the backbone of religious celebrations that give children idenities.

When I started on my “journey” of raising a Jewish kid as an atheist ex-Catholic I didn’t really have any plan. My point to OP was that it ended up being not hard at all to create a Jewish child. I’m struggling to see how that offended anyone other than people looking to be offended for various reasons.

I get that the Christmas thing can be a trigger but my point in mentioning it is that my experience is that you don’t have to fear that allowing any non-Jewish elements into your household will mean your child doesn’t feel Jewish. I get that some people don’t want it at all, which is totally fine and understandable. in my case, the Jewish side of the family always celebrated Christmas and would have thought I was nuts (and probably a little supercilious) to prohibit it. I imagine that a lot of interfaith families have to negotiate the Christmas thing and my only point is that given everything else we do, celebrating Christmas has not confused my child about being Jewish at all, if that is a concern.

Look, I am the PP you are currently responding to, I AM Jewish, and I never said anything about your kid not being Jewish because of matrilineage. I'm reform, I don't care about that.

I AS A JEW found your initial comment and all of your responses extremely flippant and obnoxious. Religion is not about parties, and while food and coming together is important, there are a number of Jewish traditions that are much more somber than that and it's not just Jewish cosplay with some latkes.

You married into a Jewish family that celebrated Christmas and always has. Let's start there. This is not a universal experience.

I think your experience is "easy" because neither you nor your spouse is particularly religious, your spouse and his family don't have any real concerns about embracing aspects of Christian culture (this is not typical even among reform families) and therefore you haven't had to do any work.

But let me ask you this. You waltzed into this thread about raising a Jewish child in a mixed family, asserted it's easy and that your Jewish family lives Christmas, but have also been extremely defensive and are calling everyone ELSE rude for not congratulating you on figuring out how to do it.

Maybe do some introspection here and consider that just because you married a Jewish guy, you might not have it all figured out and maybe have less to contribute to a conversation about passing on Jewish culture than others do. You just sound incredibly entitled and flip. Which, by the way, isn't very Jewish.

wow ok, thanks. you seem motivated by something other than the honest input of how a family with non-Jewish parent can significantly contribute to the Jewish upbringing of their child. the “Jewish cosplay” think was a bit much. I’m sorry you’re mad that I didn’t find it difficult. I suspect that what you actually believe is that my child is not Jewish because I am not and because we do Christmas. I am saddened by this but I guess OP should take it as one piece of information.

Your an "atheist" who does Christmas to the hilt. You married a Jewish man who loves Christmas. You believe celebrating a few of the fun Jewish holidays (I'm guessing you don't do Yom Kippur "to the hilt") and telling your kid "you're Jewish! Your grandparents were also Jewish!) is good enough.

Cosplay is apt.

Again, I’m glad my actual family & community is more accepting than you are. Seriously what are you getting out of harassing me?

It is more than one poster “harassing” you.

OP is a Jew seeking advice from other Jews on how to raise a good Jew in a mixed family while respecting the non-Jew. You are the non-Jew. You’re not the one anyone wants to hear from. Simply stunning that you can’t understand that.

Simply stunning that you think you are doing anything to further the cause of interfaith families and “respecting the non-Jew.”

Again, I am NOT a Jew. I’m simply self-aware enough to know that I’m not the one OP wants to hear from.

Well that’s for OP to say. OP literally asked how to raise a Jewish child while respecting her non-Jewish spouse’s identity. I think my response as the non-Jewish spouse (with an identical background, atheist ex-Catholic) was germane. The point being that I have never found it inconvenient or felt disrespected at all aside from some initial tension over circumcision. The most disrespect I’ve gotten is here, right now, with the implication that the things I do are “cosplay” and that my DH himself is apparently not Jewish enough because he likes Christmas. If the endgame here is fewer Jews as more Jews intermarry, great job. But like I said, I have never experienced in person the attacks I am getting here.

No one is attacking you. You said something that was dismissive and rude to Jewish people, and when you were rightly criticized for it, you dug in and yelled at everyone. No one here is suggesting that Jews not intermarry.

Your defensiveness about the "cosplay" accusation is telling. Ask yourself why it bothers you so much.

I’m Jewish and didn’t find anything she wrote dismissive or rude. You don’t speak for all Jews and frankly your vitriol is making you look bad. I’d say you’re making Jews look bad, but again, one person’s actions or beliefs do not define the whole group.

Again, it’s not just Jews who found her dismissive . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there so much arguing on this thread?

Most of it was with the Christian woman who thinks she’s great at raising Jewish kids. She struck a nerve by being so cavalier. She’s annoying.

I see threads all the time by non-Christian posters who tell Christians how they as non-Christians are great at everything and know so much more about Christianity. It’s annoying too. Somehow we are told it’s not respectful and outright bigoted and hypocritical for not accepting their point of view.

No Christians are being persecuted in this thread.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the non-Jew in this scenario and the mom! It’s not been hard at all. We do holidays, talk about being Jewish and family history, and are preparing for the bar mitzvah. We still do Christmas to the hilt but that seems to make no difference for my kid’s Jewish identity

Lol it sure is easy when nothing matters! I bet this PP loves to make a #HappyEastover Instagram post and is excited for the college fund contributions at the bar mitzvah.

so let me get this straight … you would have thought it better that my kid had no Jewish identity, vs having a non-Jewish parent who puts a lot of effort into it but also does (secular) Christmas?

I was responding to the tone of your post. OP is struggling with passing on their cultural heritage to their child in a mixed family. You are not of that heritage, but jump in with "oh it's easy! We just celebrated all the holidays and everyone is happy!"

OP is talking about something deeper than that, but since you aren't Jewish and I guess view your husband's and kid's Judaism as a fun excuse to have a party, you don't get that.

If you'd written a more thoughtful post about how you and your spouse have spoken with your child about their Jewishness, and specifically what kind of COMMUNITY you have provided around their Jewishness, people would not have responded as negatively. You sound unserious and so does your approach to religion and culture.

The person who was responding most negatively was apparently not even Jewish, and other posters people think my kid will never be Jewish anyway due to my gender. I think other people probably have more good faith to understand what I meant. And FWIW “fun excuse to have a party” is a big way that you create a religious identity. The word “party” is a little flip here (and one I never used BTW) - but communal events involving food are basically the backbone of religious celebrations that give children idenities.

When I started on my “journey” of raising a Jewish kid as an atheist ex-Catholic I didn’t really have any plan. My point to OP was that it ended up being not hard at all to create a Jewish child. I’m struggling to see how that offended anyone other than people looking to be offended for various reasons.

I get that the Christmas thing can be a trigger but my point in mentioning it is that my experience is that you don’t have to fear that allowing any non-Jewish elements into your household will mean your child doesn’t feel Jewish. I get that some people don’t want it at all, which is totally fine and understandable. in my case, the Jewish side of the family always celebrated Christmas and would have thought I was nuts (and probably a little supercilious) to prohibit it. I imagine that a lot of interfaith families have to negotiate the Christmas thing and my only point is that given everything else we do, celebrating Christmas has not confused my child about being Jewish at all, if that is a concern.

Look, I am the PP you are currently responding to, I AM Jewish, and I never said anything about your kid not being Jewish because of matrilineage. I'm reform, I don't care about that.

I AS A JEW found your initial comment and all of your responses extremely flippant and obnoxious. Religion is not about parties, and while food and coming together is important, there are a number of Jewish traditions that are much more somber than that and it's not just Jewish cosplay with some latkes.

You married into a Jewish family that celebrated Christmas and always has. Let's start there. This is not a universal experience.

I think your experience is "easy" because neither you nor your spouse is particularly religious, your spouse and his family don't have any real concerns about embracing aspects of Christian culture (this is not typical even among reform families) and therefore you haven't had to do any work.

But let me ask you this. You waltzed into this thread about raising a Jewish child in a mixed family, asserted it's easy and that your Jewish family lives Christmas, but have also been extremely defensive and are calling everyone ELSE rude for not congratulating you on figuring out how to do it.

Maybe do some introspection here and consider that just because you married a Jewish guy, you might not have it all figured out and maybe have less to contribute to a conversation about passing on Jewish culture than others do. You just sound incredibly entitled and flip. Which, by the way, isn't very Jewish.

wow ok, thanks. you seem motivated by something other than the honest input of how a family with non-Jewish parent can significantly contribute to the Jewish upbringing of their child. the “Jewish cosplay” think was a bit much. I’m sorry you’re mad that I didn’t find it difficult. I suspect that what you actually believe is that my child is not Jewish because I am not and because we do Christmas. I am saddened by this but I guess OP should take it as one piece of information.

Your an "atheist" who does Christmas to the hilt. You married a Jewish man who loves Christmas. You believe celebrating a few of the fun Jewish holidays (I'm guessing you don't do Yom Kippur "to the hilt") and telling your kid "you're Jewish! Your grandparents were also Jewish!) is good enough.

Cosplay is apt.

Again, I’m glad my actual family & community is more accepting than you are. Seriously what are you getting out of harassing me?

It is more than one poster “harassing” you.

OP is a Jew seeking advice from other Jews on how to raise a good Jew in a mixed family while respecting the non-Jew. You are the non-Jew. You’re not the one anyone wants to hear from. Simply stunning that you can’t understand that.

Simply stunning that you think you are doing anything to further the cause of interfaith families and “respecting the non-Jew.”

Again, I am NOT a Jew. I’m simply self-aware enough to know that I’m not the one OP wants to hear from.

Well that’s for OP to say. OP literally asked how to raise a Jewish child while respecting her non-Jewish spouse’s identity. I think my response as the non-Jewish spouse (with an identical background, atheist ex-Catholic) was germane. The point being that I have never found it inconvenient or felt disrespected at all aside from some initial tension over circumcision. The most disrespect I’ve gotten is here, right now, with the implication that the things I do are “cosplay” and that my DH himself is apparently not Jewish enough because he likes Christmas. If the endgame here is fewer Jews as more Jews intermarry, great job. But like I said, I have never experienced in person the attacks I am getting here.

No one is attacking you. You said something that was dismissive and rude to Jewish people, and when you were rightly criticized for it, you dug in and yelled at everyone. No one here is suggesting that Jews not intermarry.

Your defensiveness about the "cosplay" accusation is telling. Ask yourself why it bothers you so much.

I’m Jewish and didn’t find anything she wrote dismissive or rude. You don’t speak for all Jews and frankly your vitriol is making you look bad. I’d say you’re making Jews look bad, but again, one person’s actions or beliefs do not define the whole group.

Again, it’s not just Jews who found her dismissive . . .

Frankly I find their opinions even more irrelevant! If you’re one of them, maybe check yourself on why you’re on this thread.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the non-Jew in this scenario and the mom! It’s not been hard at all. We do holidays, talk about being Jewish and family history, and are preparing for the bar mitzvah. We still do Christmas to the hilt but that seems to make no difference for my kid’s Jewish identity

Lol it sure is easy when nothing matters! I bet this PP loves to make a #HappyEastover Instagram post and is excited for the college fund contributions at the bar mitzvah.

so let me get this straight … you would have thought it better that my kid had no Jewish identity, vs having a non-Jewish parent who puts a lot of effort into it but also does (secular) Christmas?

I was responding to the tone of your post. OP is struggling with passing on their cultural heritage to their child in a mixed family. You are not of that heritage, but jump in with "oh it's easy! We just celebrated all the holidays and everyone is happy!"

OP is talking about something deeper than that, but since you aren't Jewish and I guess view your husband's and kid's Judaism as a fun excuse to have a party, you don't get that.

If you'd written a more thoughtful post about how you and your spouse have spoken with your child about their Jewishness, and specifically what kind of COMMUNITY you have provided around their Jewishness, people would not have responded as negatively. You sound unserious and so does your approach to religion and culture.

The person who was responding most negatively was apparently not even Jewish, and other posters people think my kid will never be Jewish anyway due to my gender. I think other people probably have more good faith to understand what I meant. And FWIW “fun excuse to have a party” is a big way that you create a religious identity. The word “party” is a little flip here (and one I never used BTW) - but communal events involving food are basically the backbone of religious celebrations that give children idenities.

When I started on my “journey” of raising a Jewish kid as an atheist ex-Catholic I didn’t really have any plan. My point to OP was that it ended up being not hard at all to create a Jewish child. I’m struggling to see how that offended anyone other than people looking to be offended for various reasons.

I get that the Christmas thing can be a trigger but my point in mentioning it is that my experience is that you don’t have to fear that allowing any non-Jewish elements into your household will mean your child doesn’t feel Jewish. I get that some people don’t want it at all, which is totally fine and understandable. in my case, the Jewish side of the family always celebrated Christmas and would have thought I was nuts (and probably a little supercilious) to prohibit it. I imagine that a lot of interfaith families have to negotiate the Christmas thing and my only point is that given everything else we do, celebrating Christmas has not confused my child about being Jewish at all, if that is a concern.

Look, I am the PP you are currently responding to, I AM Jewish, and I never said anything about your kid not being Jewish because of matrilineage. I'm reform, I don't care about that.

I AS A JEW found your initial comment and all of your responses extremely flippant and obnoxious. Religion is not about parties, and while food and coming together is important, there are a number of Jewish traditions that are much more somber than that and it's not just Jewish cosplay with some latkes.

You married into a Jewish family that celebrated Christmas and always has. Let's start there. This is not a universal experience.

I think your experience is "easy" because neither you nor your spouse is particularly religious, your spouse and his family don't have any real concerns about embracing aspects of Christian culture (this is not typical even among reform families) and therefore you haven't had to do any work.

But let me ask you this. You waltzed into this thread about raising a Jewish child in a mixed family, asserted it's easy and that your Jewish family lives Christmas, but have also been extremely defensive and are calling everyone ELSE rude for not congratulating you on figuring out how to do it.

Maybe do some introspection here and consider that just because you married a Jewish guy, you might not have it all figured out and maybe have less to contribute to a conversation about passing on Jewish culture than others do. You just sound incredibly entitled and flip. Which, by the way, isn't very Jewish.

wow ok, thanks. you seem motivated by something other than the honest input of how a family with non-Jewish parent can significantly contribute to the Jewish upbringing of their child. the “Jewish cosplay” think was a bit much. I’m sorry you’re mad that I didn’t find it difficult. I suspect that what you actually believe is that my child is not Jewish because I am not and because we do Christmas. I am saddened by this but I guess OP should take it as one piece of information.

Your an "atheist" who does Christmas to the hilt. You married a Jewish man who loves Christmas. You believe celebrating a few of the fun Jewish holidays (I'm guessing you don't do Yom Kippur "to the hilt") and telling your kid "you're Jewish! Your grandparents were also Jewish!) is good enough.

Cosplay is apt.

Again, I’m glad my actual family & community is more accepting than you are. Seriously what are you getting out of harassing me?

It is more than one poster “harassing” you.

OP is a Jew seeking advice from other Jews on how to raise a good Jew in a mixed family while respecting the non-Jew. You are the non-Jew. You’re not the one anyone wants to hear from. Simply stunning that you can’t understand that.

Simply stunning that you think you are doing anything to further the cause of interfaith families and “respecting the non-Jew.”

Again, I am NOT a Jew. I’m simply self-aware enough to know that I’m not the one OP wants to hear from.

Well that’s for OP to say. OP literally asked how to raise a Jewish child while respecting her non-Jewish spouse’s identity. I think my response as the non-Jewish spouse (with an identical background, atheist ex-Catholic) was germane. The point being that I have never found it inconvenient or felt disrespected at all aside from some initial tension over circumcision. The most disrespect I’ve gotten is here, right now, with the implication that the things I do are “cosplay” and that my DH himself is apparently not Jewish enough because he likes Christmas. If the endgame here is fewer Jews as more Jews intermarry, great job. But like I said, I have never experienced in person the attacks I am getting here.

No one is attacking you. You said something that was dismissive and rude to Jewish people, and when you were rightly criticized for it, you dug in and yelled at everyone. No one here is suggesting that Jews not intermarry.

Your defensiveness about the "cosplay" accusation is telling. Ask yourself why it bothers you so much.

I’m Jewish and didn’t find anything she wrote dismissive or rude. You don’t speak for all Jews and frankly your vitriol is making you look bad. I’d say you’re making Jews look bad, but again, one person’s actions or beliefs do not define the whole group.

Again, it’s not just Jews who found her dismissive . . .

Frankly I find their opinions even more irrelevant! If you’re one of them, maybe check yourself on why you’re on this thread.

No one’s opinion is irrelevant. I also think you’re a sock puppet.