Raising a Jewish kid with one Jewish/one atheist parent

[Anonymous]

Hi OP!

My husband and I talked about this a lot before getting married (I'm Jewish, he was an agnostic raised Methodist. He later converted but in the context of those conversations we were assuming we would be interfaith)

For me, the biggest goal was normalizing Judaism and building a positive Jewish identity. For us that has meant PJ library, celebrating holidays with extended family when possible, Jewish preschool, and joining a synagogue and showing up for the various kid oriented activities. I think you absolutely could do this with JCC as well. That said, if you plan on B'nai Mitzvot for your kids you may want to find a synagogue though, while you still have lots of time to try different options. Reform congregations are generally very inclusive and honestly I think Conservative ones are much different on this issue than when I was growing up. In either case no one will mind if you are an atheist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My husband is an atheist Jew. I am an agnostic Christian. We (like another PP) celebrate Xmas in a secular way.

We raise our kids Jewish by:
1) teaching them Hebrew (my husband knows it)
2) sending them to Jewish preschool and now Hebrew school (they will have their bar and bat mitzvot)
3) reaffirming they are Jews, not Christians, and focusing on that very strongly as part of their identity
4) visiting Israel several times
5) learning about and celebrating holidays (my husband doesn’t really know about them), including through the Days United subscription box (highly recommend)
6) doing Shabbat with candles, prayers, challah, etc.
7) joining a synagogue and going for major holidays (when they were little, we would do the family Shabbat services)
8) listening to Hebrew music, especially pop music 😂
9) sending them to Jewish day camps

As I said, they do celebrate Xmas (and Easter) but do not seem at all confused about the fact that they’re Jewish. They are super proud of it and are very connected to it, in some ways more than my husband, who grew up in a super secular and nonpracticing household.

Serious question: if you & your spouse are atheist & agnostic, why bother with any religious aspect to the kids’ upbringing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP!

My husband and I talked about this a lot before getting married (I'm Jewish, he was an agnostic raised Methodist. He later converted but in the context of those conversations we were assuming we would be interfaith)

For me, the biggest goal was normalizing Judaism and building a positive Jewish identity. For us that has meant PJ library, celebrating holidays with extended family when possible, Jewish preschool, and joining a synagogue and showing up for the various kid oriented activities. I think you absolutely could do this with JCC as well. That said, if you plan on B'nai Mitzvot for your kids you may want to find a synagogue though, while you still have lots of time to try different options. Reform congregations are generally very inclusive and honestly I think Conservative ones are much different on this issue than when I was growing up. In either case no one will mind if you are an atheist

DP. This is DCUM in a nutshell: a helpful, encouraging response buried in the midst of a bunch of ugly responses.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am the non-Jew in this scenario and the mom! It’s not been hard at all. We do holidays, talk about being Jewish and family history, and are preparing for the bar mitzvah. We still do Christmas to the hilt but that seems to make no difference for my kid’s Jewish identity

Lol it sure is easy when nothing matters! I bet this PP loves to make a #HappyEastover Instagram post and is excited for the college fund contributions at the bar mitzvah.

so let me get this straight … you would have thought it better that my kid had no Jewish identity, vs having a non-Jewish parent who puts a lot of effort into it but also does (secular) Christmas?

I was responding to the tone of your post. OP is struggling with passing on their cultural heritage to their child in a mixed family. You are not of that heritage, but jump in with "oh it's easy! We just celebrated all the holidays and everyone is happy!"

OP is talking about something deeper than that, but since you aren't Jewish and I guess view your husband's and kid's Judaism as a fun excuse to have a party, you don't get that.

If you'd written a more thoughtful post about how you and your spouse have spoken with your child about their Jewishness, and specifically what kind of COMMUNITY you have provided around their Jewishness, people would not have responded as negatively. You sound unserious and so does your approach to religion and culture.

The person who was responding most negatively was apparently not even Jewish, and other posters people think my kid will never be Jewish anyway due to my gender. I think other people probably have more good faith to understand what I meant. And FWIW “fun excuse to have a party” is a big way that you create a religious identity. The word “party” is a little flip here (and one I never used BTW) - but communal events involving food are basically the backbone of religious celebrations that give children idenities.

When I started on my “journey” of raising a Jewish kid as an atheist ex-Catholic I didn’t really have any plan. My point to OP was that it ended up being not hard at all to create a Jewish child. I’m struggling to see how that offended anyone other than people looking to be offended for various reasons.

I get that the Christmas thing can be a trigger but my point in mentioning it is that my experience is that you don’t have to fear that allowing any non-Jewish elements into your household will mean your child doesn’t feel Jewish. I get that some people don’t want it at all, which is totally fine and understandable. in my case, the Jewish side of the family always celebrated Christmas and would have thought I was nuts (and probably a little supercilious) to prohibit it. I imagine that a lot of interfaith families have to negotiate the Christmas thing and my only point is that given everything else we do, celebrating Christmas has not confused my child about being Jewish at all, if that is a concern.

Look, I am the PP you are currently responding to, I AM Jewish, and I never said anything about your kid not being Jewish because of matrilineage. I'm reform, I don't care about that.

I AS A JEW found your initial comment and all of your responses extremely flippant and obnoxious. Religion is not about parties, and while food and coming together is important, there are a number of Jewish traditions that are much more somber than that and it's not just Jewish cosplay with some latkes.

You married into a Jewish family that celebrated Christmas and always has. Let's start there. This is not a universal experience.

I think your experience is "easy" because neither you nor your spouse is particularly religious, your spouse and his family don't have any real concerns about embracing aspects of Christian culture (this is not typical even among reform families) and therefore you haven't had to do any work.

But let me ask you this. You waltzed into this thread about raising a Jewish child in a mixed family, asserted it's easy and that your Jewish family lives Christmas, but have also been extremely defensive and are calling everyone ELSE rude for not congratulating you on figuring out how to do it.

Maybe do some introspection here and consider that just because you married a Jewish guy, you might not have it all figured out and maybe have less to contribute to a conversation about passing on Jewish culture than others do. You just sound incredibly entitled and flip. Which, by the way, isn't very Jewish.

wow ok, thanks. you seem motivated by something other than the honest input of how a family with non-Jewish parent can significantly contribute to the Jewish upbringing of their child. the “Jewish cosplay” think was a bit much. I’m sorry you’re mad that I didn’t find it difficult. I suspect that what you actually believe is that my child is not Jewish because I am not and because we do Christmas. I am saddened by this but I guess OP should take it as one piece of information.

Your an "atheist" who does Christmas to the hilt. You married a Jewish man who loves Christmas. You believe celebrating a few of the fun Jewish holidays (I'm guessing you don't do Yom Kippur "to the hilt") and telling your kid "you're Jewish! Your grandparents were also Jewish!) is good enough.

Cosplay is apt.

Again, I’m glad my actual family & community is more accepting than you are. Seriously what are you getting out of harassing me?

It is more than one poster “harassing” you.

OP is a Jew seeking advice from other Jews on how to raise a good Jew in a mixed family while respecting the non-Jew. You are the non-Jew. You’re not the one anyone wants to hear from. Simply stunning that you can’t understand that.

Simply stunning that you think you are doing anything to further the cause of interfaith families and “respecting the non-Jew.”

Again, I am NOT a Jew. I’m simply self-aware enough to know that I’m not the one OP wants to hear from.

Well that’s for OP to say. OP literally asked how to raise a Jewish child while respecting her non-Jewish spouse’s identity. I think my response as the non-Jewish spouse (with an identical background, atheist ex-Catholic) was germane. The point being that I have never found it inconvenient or felt disrespected at all aside from some initial tension over circumcision. The most disrespect I’ve gotten is here, right now, with the implication that the things I do are “cosplay” and that my DH himself is apparently not Jewish enough because he likes Christmas. If the endgame here is fewer Jews as more Jews intermarry, great job. But like I said, I have never experienced in person the attacks I am getting here.

The OP asked if anyone else has raised a Jewish child with one Jewish parent and one non-Jewish and if so how it was done. The poster who is not Jewish who responded is literally doing this, unlike all the other randos responding who do not have this type of family. Can y'all not read?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My husband is an atheist Jew. I am an agnostic Christian. We (like another PP) celebrate Xmas in a secular way.

We raise our kids Jewish by:
1) teaching them Hebrew (my husband knows it)
2) sending them to Jewish preschool and now Hebrew school (they will have their bar and bat mitzvot)
3) reaffirming they are Jews, not Christians, and focusing on that very strongly as part of their identity
4) visiting Israel several times
5) learning about and celebrating holidays (my husband doesn’t really know about them), including through the Days United subscription box (highly recommend)
6) doing Shabbat with candles, prayers, challah, etc.
7) joining a synagogue and going for major holidays (when they were little, we would do the family Shabbat services)
8) listening to Hebrew music, especially pop music 😂
9) sending them to Jewish day camps

As I said, they do celebrate Xmas (and Easter) but do not seem at all confused about the fact that they’re Jewish. They are super proud of it and are very connected to it, in some ways more than my husband, who grew up in a super secular and nonpracticing household.

Serious question: if you & your spouse are atheist & agnostic, why bother with any religious aspect to the kids’ upbringing?

I’m this PP. I do believe in something so maybe I’m not precisely agnostic; I like that the kids are getting a grounding in faith. Spouse and I both think the Jewish heritage piece is incredibly important and a lot of that happens through religious events and activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My husband is an atheist Jew. I am an agnostic Christian. We (like another PP) celebrate Xmas in a secular way.

We raise our kids Jewish by:
1) teaching them Hebrew (my husband knows it)
2) sending them to Jewish preschool and now Hebrew school (they will have their bar and bat mitzvot)
3) reaffirming they are Jews, not Christians, and focusing on that very strongly as part of their identity
4) visiting Israel several times
5) learning about and celebrating holidays (my husband doesn’t really know about them), including through the Days United subscription box (highly recommend)
6) doing Shabbat with candles, prayers, challah, etc.
7) joining a synagogue and going for major holidays (when they were little, we would do the family Shabbat services)
8) listening to Hebrew music, especially pop music 😂
9) sending them to Jewish day camps

As I said, they do celebrate Xmas (and Easter) but do not seem at all confused about the fact that they’re Jewish. They are super proud of it and are very connected to it, in some ways more than my husband, who grew up in a super secular and nonpracticing household.

Serious question: if you & your spouse are atheist & agnostic, why bother with any religious aspect to the kids’ upbringing?

NP, also an agnostic Jew. Despite what many people like to say, it’s not just a religion. And yes, you can have Jewish blood. If you took my blood and ran a DNA test, you could quickly determine that I’m 100% Ashkenazi Jewish. Up until recently Jews in Europe did not intermix with anyone since Roman times.

I can go to church, pray to Buddha, convert to Islam. My DNA won’t change. Passing in my heritage is as important to me as it is for someone Bengali or Swedish or Italian to teach their children about their heritage. Added to that, there’s a religious aspect. If I’m agnostic about my religion, I’m not going to believe in Christianity, am I? Little kids are curious about god. If I’m going to teach my kids anything, it’ll be Judaism. It makes more sense to me then the other options.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is Catholic.

[Anonymous]

I'd think about what traditions you want your child to carry on with their own family, and go from there. If you yourself aren't doing those things now, then maybe dig deep and figure out why.

I'm from a different faith tradition, but it's similarly challenging to keep things going when you haven't married someone from the same faith. I've had to really figure out what aspects are most important to me and emphasize that. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Jesus was raised by Jewish Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider joining https://iffp.org/. Even though one parent is atheist. They have something for everyone there.

I second this. We have a one Jewish parent and one Catholic parent. We attended IFFP and our kids went through the coming of age program. I’m the Catholic parent and enjoy attending and celebrating all the Jewish Holidays (probably more than my Jewish spouse honestly). My kids from a mixed faith background have a stronger connection to being Jewish than their 100 percent Jewish cousins. I know many of the Jewish prayers now and learned along with my kids. My kids chose to attend services in college which I think says a lot for what they learned at IFFP. Some of the teens at IFFP have Bar and Bat Mitzvahs in addition to completing the Coming of Age rite of passage. What I love and appreciate about the community is the level of respect the members have for one another and I love how the kids grow up knowing children whose families also have parents from different faiths.

What’s funny is that our parents wondered when we got married whether our kids would wind up growing up without any religion. Turns out our kids from an interfaith household are more culturally and religiously observant than their Jewish and Catholic cousins. When you are part of a mixed faith family you are forced to think about what you believe and how you view your faith in a way that you don’t necessarily have to if you are from the same faith. Being part of an interfaith family and interfaith community has really enhanced my life. I wish you and your family the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus was raised by Jewish Parents

and . . . ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus was raised by Jewish Parents

and . . . ?

It is a warning - means 'don't screw it up like his parents did'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus was raised by Jewish Parents

and . . . ?

It is a warning - means 'don't screw it up like his parents did'

😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My husband is an atheist Jew. I am an agnostic Christian. We (like another PP) celebrate Xmas in a secular way.

We raise our kids Jewish by:
1) teaching them Hebrew (my husband knows it)
2) sending them to Jewish preschool and now Hebrew school (they will have their bar and bat mitzvot)
3) reaffirming they are Jews, not Christians, and focusing on that very strongly as part of their identity
4) visiting Israel several times
5) learning about and celebrating holidays (my husband doesn’t really know about them), including through the Days United subscription box (highly recommend)
6) doing Shabbat with candles, prayers, challah, etc.
7) joining a synagogue and going for major holidays (when they were little, we would do the family Shabbat services)
8) listening to Hebrew music, especially pop music 😂
9) sending them to Jewish day camps

As I said, they do celebrate Xmas (and Easter) but do not seem at all confused about the fact that they’re Jewish. They are super proud of it and are very connected to it, in some ways more than my husband, who grew up in a super secular and nonpracticing household.

Serious question: if you & your spouse are atheist & agnostic, why bother with any religious aspect to the kids’ upbringing?

I’m this PP. I do believe in something so maybe I’m not precisely agnostic; I like that the kids are getting a grounding in faith. Spouse and I both think the Jewish heritage piece is incredibly important and a lot of that happens through religious events and activities.

What a messed up kids you are raising. Hope you earn enough for their therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your husband was baptized, did communion and confirmation etc. he is Catholic. You can’t un-Catholic yourself.

You are obviously not Jewish. No real Jew would say “Jewish Camps”

Wrong again. https://jewishcamp.org/