Raising a Jewish kid with one Jewish/one atheist parent
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Anonymous
Simply stunning that you think you are doing anything to further the cause of interfaith families and “respecting the non-Jew.” |
Anonymous
Again, I am NOT a Jew. I’m simply self-aware enough to know that I’m not the one OP wants to hear from. |
Anonymous
Well that’s for OP to say. OP literally asked how to raise a Jewish child while respecting her non-Jewish spouse’s identity. I think my response as the non-Jewish spouse (with an identical background, atheist ex-Catholic) was germane. The point being that I have never found it inconvenient or felt disrespected at all aside from some initial tension over circumcision. The most disrespect I’ve gotten is here, right now, with the implication that the things I do are “cosplay” and that my DH himself is apparently not Jewish enough because he likes Christmas. If the endgame here is fewer Jews as more Jews intermarry, great job. But like I said, I have never experienced in person the attacks I am getting here. |
Anonymous
+1, and I find it interesting the PP is claiming "harassment" because while people absolutely are criticizing her, it's honestly nothing you would hear from your average Conservative Jew, for the most part. I think the PP is used to be patted on the back for her approach, likely by a lot of people who are not even Jewish, and is offended to discover that not everyone thinks her approach is the right one. I mean, in this case I think the problem is that what she is suggesting doesn't really match up with what OP is actually asking for, plus PP was super dismissive ("It's not hard") about something OP clearly is finding to be more challenging. In any case, PP, if you think what people have said to you on this thread is "harassment," I'd love to watch you have a conversation with some of my Conservative friends who would be MUCH less receptive to what you are saying here than I have been. Like I'd like to hear you talk about how much you and your Jewish husband and kid LOVE Christmas and then see how some of them respond. Get ready to lose an argument because trust me when I tell you that they've spent a lot more time thinking about this than you have. |
Anonymous
NP. As a disinterested observer, it absolutely looks like bullying, total dismissal of her own traditions, and total dismissal of the objectively good work she seems to have done with her kids. |
Anonymous
No one is attacking you. You said something that was dismissive and rude to Jewish people, and when you were rightly criticized for it, you dug in and yelled at everyone. No one here is suggesting that Jews not intermarry. Your defensiveness about the "cosplay" accusation is telling. Ask yourself why it bothers you so much. |
Anonymous
What traditions? She claims to be an atheist who used to be Catholic, and says the reason her family celebrates Christmas is because her Jewish husband demands it. She has no traditions. She's literally just celebrating other people's holidays for fun. What "objectively good work"? We don't know her or her kids. They may or may not have any connection to their Jewish identity at all. We only have her assertion that it's "easy" to raise kids with a strong Jewish identity in a mixed-faith family. Her kid hasn't even ben bar mitzvah'd yet, and she doesn't seem like the most reliable narrator. Amazing that she came to a thread posted by a Jewish person asking for advice on raising Jewish kids, posted some suggestions that offended a number of Jewish posters, but she's the one being "bullied." Okay, mmm-hmmm. All she'd have to do to stop getting responses is admit "hey this works for my family but I see that it might not work for others -- I get why not all Jews would be comfortable with our approach." Like just an ounce of humility. But no, she's convinced she cracked the code. Such arrogance. |
Anonymous
Get listed on https://shj.org/connect/find-a-community/ |
Anonymous
Lol Christmas "to the hilt" is 100% the non-religious part. |
Anonymous
DP. How is it “dismissive” to mention Christmas trees in the context of saying her kids are strongly Jewish? And mentioning Christmas trees is “cosplay”? You’re one ugly bigot. |
Anonymous
You’re not a “disinterested observer” by definition. You are not only ON this thread, you are commenting on it! That makes you interested. Where on earth do you people come from. I’m not Jewish. But if I read this cavalier response to a question by a Jew about how to make sure my kids were raised with a real Jewish identity I’d be like, wow, you have got to be kidding me. Because this is clearly not the answer OP is looking for: “I am the non-Jew in this scenario and the mom! It’s not been hard at all. We do holidays, talk about being Jewish and family history, and are preparing for the bar mitzvah. We still do Christmas to the hilt but that seems to make no difference for my kid’s Jewish identity.” I hardly consider it “bullying” to express the view that this is an entirely naive and immature response. |
Anonymous
According to you, any secular or non-Christian person who puts up a Christmas tree is engaging in cosplay. Not even most Christians go that far. Wonder what DCUM’s secular tree owners think of you? Admit it, you’re just furious that a Jewish guy is exposing his Jewish kids to a Christmas tree. Go away, bigot. |
Anonymous
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This thread is nuts.
I am Jewish. My DH was raised Catholic but is not agnostic/atheistic. I'd say at this point his Jew-curious. We are raising our kid culturally Jewish though she has been to Catholic church with her grandmother and I'm happy to expose her to her Christian/non-Jewish heritage as my DH sees fit. He has issues with his Catholic upbringing and the Church and is not eager to pass on those issues to his daughter, so that tempers it. We do celebrate a version of Christmas -- we do a small tree (usually a live tree that gets planted), hang up ornaments that DD made or that DH's family have given us, and we exchange gifts on Christmas morning. We have also spent Christmas with DH's family but stopped because his mom is extremely religious and always wants to do a ton of events, including midnight mass and other things, and DH finds it to be too much and has chosen to instead spend Thanksgiving with them. This is fine with me as I didn't love the Christmas stuff, but I married a non-Jew so was also fine dealing with it. In some ways I think being Jewish made it easier for me to deal with someone else's Christmas because it's not competing with some memory I had of my own Christmas. In terms of our Jewishness, I was raised reform and am more willing to update and be flexible on Jewish traditions and holidays. But Jewish culture and history are VERY important to me. DD went to a Jewish preschool that is associated with a reform congregation we continue to attend events with, though we don't attend synagogue weekly. We do quite a bit with the local JCC and we spend most Jewish holidays with Jewish friends so that DD can feel like a part of a larger community. My family lives far away so we don't see them on most holidays often but we have done Passover with them several times and when the dates work out, we will sometimes spend at least a couple days of Hannukah with them since it sometimes coincides with school holidays. My parents are really glad we're raising DD Jewish and definitely talk to her about our traditions and family history and it is meaningful to her and them. She has a Jewish first name she shares with two (deceased) family members. She will have a bat mitzvah and we are hoping to do it jointly with two other Jewish families we know through Jewish community events who will turn 13 the same year. I don't think it's super easy to raise a child with a strong sense of Jewish identity in a mixed family, because I don't think it's easy to raise a child with a strong Jewish identity in our culture generally, because I think we live in a culture without a lot of grounded values. I think the biggest issue with Christmas is the fixation on gifts and material goods that runs counter to both my Jewish values and personal beliefs, which don't like so much waste and materialism. I like that Christmas often has a charitable focus and we try to emphasize that -- it is also very in keeping with Jewish values and I think helps temper the fixation on gifts and just... stuff. I don't think doing Christmas "to the hilt" is in keeping with Jewish values though as others have pointed out, it might not be in keeping with Christian values either. We just try to keep it in check and not have everything be about more and bigger. We focus on family and togetherness and deeper meaning. I think navigating these issues takes thoughtfulness and that every family must find their own way. My partner is supportive so that helps -- we never even discussed him converting, but I think participating in Jewish traditions and hearing my family talk about it has made him feel a part of it in a meaningful way. I think he had very negative associations with religion because he grew up in the Catholic Church during the height of when all the pedophile scandals were coming out, and he was really bothered by how his church and his own family handled that, so he's skeptical of organized religion and I understand why. I think that also informs our approach, which is much more to focus on family traditions, underlying meaning, and less of a focus on formal religious practice, though we do some of that as makes sense for us. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for the thought out response. All of the arguing on this thread has been ridiculous, but you gave me a few ideas. I hadn't thought about Jewish preschool or JCC involvement, both of which are great ideas. My DH sounds a lot like yours. He became very disillusioned with Catholicism and that is what drove him away from religion in general. |
Anonymous
PP here. JCC is definitely a great resource, especially if you are not super religious and may not be as involved at synagogue. I think one of the best things about it is that they have family and kid-focused events so it's been a good way to meet other Jewish families, since after preschool we've been in public school and there are just fewer Jewish families around, at least where we live. And a Jewish preschool is awesome! Our program was wonderful -- the kids did Shabbat every Friday and then learned about Jewish traditions throughout the year. They'd have a day to dress up for Purim and did a bunch of stuff to make it really fun for kids. They did a much better job of teaching DD about many of the traditions and their meanings than I was doing. I really highly recommend looking for something like this near you if you can find it. |