girlfriend on family vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to offer to pay the full trip for both. They are adults living on their own. They are independent. He’s probably one step away from marriage. Start treating him like that.

Wait, so they’re INDEPENDENT adults who are living on their own, but you’re saying OP should pay for them as if they’re in high school without any financial means?

DP: YES. The OP planned this trip — from where they will go, to when they will go, to what kind of budget will be needed . At no point, apparently, has she included her son, let alone his GF in the decision making process. So, yeah, she should pay for them as her guests — instead of assuming that they have and should use their independent means to pay for her “family” trip.

Disagree. She should tell them both they’re welcome to join while paying their own way.

And she should be fine when they say, no, we don’t want to pay for two international flights, plus hotels, plus expenses, and each take 7 days of vacation from work.

Obviously. It’s a bit odd to try to make the “family vacation” thing happen at this stage of life and it only makes sense if everyone is actually bought in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
25 year old son has had several very serious girlfriends, a bit of a serial monogamist and very focused on getting married. Moved in with current girlfriend after just a few months of dating. It's now been another six months or so, and they do absolutely everything together - there is no "I" anymore, just "we." We love the girlfriend, she's great and we hope they stay together. But do we need to invite her on family vacation to an expensive faraway place next spring? We are already buying the tickets. I am sure son will angle for her to come. We've settled on not mentioning her, and if he asks we say we would love for her to join but they need to buy the plane ticket? Is that fair? Who knows if they will still be together next year. And also, is it selfish to want to have family together without girlfriend? While she is great, we never ever see son alone anymore. How do people navigate this?

I have never regretted being generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriends/boyfriends don’t get wife/husband privileges.

And older adults who have adult children don’t get Parents-of-Small Children privileges.

See how that works?

Make your bed, honey…

+1

[Anonymous]

I would not be expecting to be invited on a family vacation with or paid for by my boyfriend's parents, but at 25 I didn't move in circles where that was a thing. So it would not upset me at all if my SO went on a trip with their family without me. I also didn't live with my spouse before marriage so there is that, too.

[Anonymous]

Our sons serious GF is included (but not expected) on our family vacations and outings. She always chooses to come and we enjoy having her. It has been a great way to get to know each other. All positive so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to offer to pay the full trip for both. They are adults living on their own. They are independent. He’s probably one step away from marriage. Start treating him like that.

Wait, so they’re INDEPENDENT adults who are living on their own, but you’re saying OP should pay for them as if they’re in high school without any financial means?

DP: YES. The OP planned this trip — from where they will go, to when they will go, to what kind of budget will be needed . At no point, apparently, has she included her son, let alone his GF in the decision making process. So, yeah, she should pay for them as her guests — instead of assuming that they have and should use their independent means to pay for her “family” trip.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also on the side of openly inviting her just as you would your son. Paying one ticket (even if it's expensive) is a vanishingly small price to pay to start out on good terms and make your son feel supported. And you even like her! 25 year olds also often have very limited vacation time so may not want to go alone with you (especially if they need to start banking days for a honeymoon). Yes, you are entering a new stage of life in which you should expect less alone time with your son.

Totally agree with this! FWIW I was the GF in similar situation 30 years ago. Except my now DH and I had only been dating about 6 months and were not living together. AND I’d not yet met the parents. DH’s siblings were bringing their SO’s on the family trip but they were longer term relationships. I felt weird about it when he asked me if I wanted to go b/c I didn’t know any of them - so I offered to pay for my ticket. He said it wasn’t necessary and a ticket arrived in the mail a week later. I interpreted this as his Mom not really wanting me to come because she’d mailed the ticket without a note - just the ticket. So I sent a thank you note (saying I was looking forward to meeting them, etc.) and a check for the airfare. I felt VERY awkward on that trip because it felt like DH had pushed me on them. The reality is that he probably wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t agreed to go.

My advice to the OP is to be as welcoming as possible and don’t ask them to pay for the ticket. Family trips are not ‘vacations’ for the spouse/SO. Your family is changing (and growing) embrace it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriends/boyfriends don’t get wife/husband privileges.

And older adults who have adult children don’t get Parents-of-Small Children privileges.

See how that works?

Make your bed, honey…

+1

OP again. I do have small children also! We have a large family. Stop being so mean - just trying to figure out how to make it all work! Again, I do appreciate the feedback and I am listening!

[Anonymous]

"First adult child" well, that's important info Op. Did you leave that out before, Op? or did I just miss it. Crucial info. A trip to be with his siblings, his younger siblings. OK, so don't expect him to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girlfriends/boyfriends don’t get wife/husband privileges.

And older adults who have adult children don’t get Parents-of-Small Children privileges.

See how that works?

Make your bed, honey…

+1

OP again. I do have small children also! We have a large family. Stop being so mean - just trying to figure out how to make it all work! Again, I do appreciate the feedback and I am listening!

Oh sure, why not backtrack and add in more info. How “small” are your “small” children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

What have you actually learned so far, OP?

Bet you won’t answer.

[Anonymous]

He won't go. He gets, what, maybe 2 weeks of vacation a year and you want him to use half of that to go away alone? Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

Wait, so he is 25 and you have young kids? So you are remarried and you want him to play along with your new family? (Because there is no way you have 10+ kids and go on international vacations).

[Anonymous]

I got married at 23, OP. From then on, it was always "we". And at 25, we had a baby.

You are not obligated to pay her ticket, or his, for that matter. But as a matter of courtesy, I feel that as long as he's serious about her, you should consider them a couple and either offer for both, or neither.