girlfriend on family vacation?

[Anonymous]

At their age, they can pay for her plane ticket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
25 year old son has had several very serious girlfriends, a bit of a serial monogamist and very focused on getting married. Moved in with current girlfriend after just a few months of dating. It's now been another six months or so, and they do absolutely everything together - there is no "I" anymore, just "we." We love the girlfriend, she's great and we hope they stay together. But do we need to invite her on family vacation to an expensive faraway place next spring? We are already buying the tickets. I am sure son will angle for her to come. We've settled on not mentioning her, and if he asks we say we would love for her to join but they need to buy the plane ticket? Is that fair? Who knows if they will still be together next year. And also, is it selfish to want to have family together without girlfriend? While she is great, we never ever see son alone anymore. How do people navigate this?

I think I would either offer the trip to both or neither. Does your son really want to go on these family trips? Have you asked him? Maybe he would want to go on vacation with his girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

I would be surprised if either of them want to go, to be honest. Vacationing with in-laws or not-yet-in-laws and their younger children sounds really unappealing to me. And do remember how little vacation time working young adults have. And it does sound like you're fancy-ing up this trip to make him feel like he has to come.

Speaking of that, OP, why don't you consider the year as a whole, how much vacation time your son has, and how you would like him to spend it. Not that it's up to you! But if you pressure him to go on this trip and then he can't make it to Thanksgiving because he's run out of vacation days, is that a win for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At their age, they can pay for her plane ticket.

At their age, he can decide not to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so he is 25 and you have young kids? So you are remarried and you want him to play along with your new family? (Because there is no way you have 10+ kids and go on international vacations).

Ding ding ding!

[Anonymous]

Your son is an adult. If you want him to vacation with him, you should let him bring his girlfriend.

I think it's ok to ask her or him to pay for her plane ticket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is an adult. If you want him to vacation with him, you should let him bring his girlfriend.

I think it's ok to ask her or him to pay for her plane ticket.

*if you want him to vacation with you

[Anonymous]

When I was in my twenties I went on a few vacations with boyfriends' families. They paid for lodging but I paid for my airfare. I was fine with that. These were to really nice places though. If my boyfriend had wanted me to fly home to see his parents in like Minnesota I am not sure I would have wanted to spend my limited twenty something budget on that airfare.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you're wrong to want the nuclear family to have time together. It's ok to feel how you feel. And I think it's fine to want to see your son alone from time to time, or to want to squeeze in one last family-only trip before the next phase of his adult life begins. But it's crystal clear you would resent including the woman your son has chosen, and that's weird. If the cost of one more ticket is unbearable for you, then you can't really afford this trip. And you need to get used to him having a partner. Some day he will marry, and then he'll be spending half the holidays with his wife's family. And it might not be too long from now. So yes, I suggest you wrap your head around the idea that your phase of life is changing, your son is becoming a married man with his own marriage and household to prioritize, and you're going to get a lot less of his time and attention. When they start having kids it might be even less than that. Get used to it.

I think it's unlikely they're going to want to do this at all, regardless of who pays. Heck, he probably wouldn't want to do it even if he were single. Vacationing with younger siblings just isn't that fun, especially when you don't have much annual leave so every day is precious. And vacationing with someone else's younger siblings and his mother who doesn't really want you to come, is awkward and extremely unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties I went on a few vacations with boyfriends' families. They paid for lodging but I paid for my airfare. I was fine with that. These were to really nice places though. If my boyfriend had wanted me to fly home to see his parents in like Minnesota I am not sure I would have wanted to spend my limited twenty something budget on that airfare.

This is what I was proposing! (Just asked if it was selfish to want the alone time!)

And son definitely really wants to go on trip- is likely assuming GF will go and they will not pay anything. I doubt either of them would offer to help pay. So we are deciding what the best course of action is. Trip is expensive and not to Minnesota.

We’d be fine if they didn’t want to go and we could just do something separately with them. That would probably be easier honestly. But that’s not our issue.

We will probably just end up inviting and paying! It’s just a new relationship still and seems like a lot.

And who said I had 10 kids?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties I went on a few vacations with boyfriends' families. They paid for lodging but I paid for my airfare. I was fine with that. These were to really nice places though. If my boyfriend had wanted me to fly home to see his parents in like Minnesota I am not sure I would have wanted to spend my limited twenty something budget on that airfare.

This is what I was proposing! (Just asked if it was selfish to want the alone time!)

And son definitely really wants to go on trip- is likely assuming GF will go and they will not pay anything. I doubt either of them would offer to help pay. So we are deciding what the best course of action is. Trip is expensive and not to Minnesota.

We’d be fine if they didn’t want to go and we could just do something separately with them. That would probably be easier honestly. But that’s not our issue.

We will probably just end up inviting and paying! It’s just a new relationship still and seems like a lot.

And who said I had 10 kids?!

Well, it's only a lot because you chose such an expensive trip. Minneapolis is lovely in the springtime, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At their age, they can pay for her plane ticket.

At their age, he can decide not to go.

They aren't married. My husband's son demanded we pay for his girlfriend's ticket and she come and she was a nightmare the entire trip. Never again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties I went on a few vacations with boyfriends' families. They paid for lodging but I paid for my airfare. I was fine with that. These were to really nice places though. If my boyfriend had wanted me to fly home to see his parents in like Minnesota I am not sure I would have wanted to spend my limited twenty something budget on that airfare.

This is what I was proposing! (Just asked if it was selfish to want the alone time!)

And son definitely really wants to go on trip- is likely assuming GF will go and they will not pay anything. I doubt either of them would offer to help pay. So we are deciding what the best course of action is. Trip is expensive and not to Minnesota.

We’d be fine if they didn’t want to go and we could just do something separately with them. That would probably be easier honestly. But that’s not our issue.

We will probably just end up inviting and paying! It’s just a new relationship still and seems like a lot.

And who said I had 10 kids?!

At 25, she should be a grownup and offer to pay her own way, even if you choose to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.

So mom and dad get to be a “we” but son should stay a little boy forever. Got it.

NP. And that is not what she's saying. He goes through a lot of girlfriends. And while this one isn't definite yet, why can't they see him without the girlfriend?

That said, if they are engaged and certainly when married, there is no more "we" time with their son unless the son requests it.

I also vote for telling him about the vacation. If he asks if she can come you buy the ticket. Don't ask them to buy it because they/she might not be able to afford it then son will just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties I went on a few vacations with boyfriends' families. They paid for lodging but I paid for my airfare. I was fine with that. These were to really nice places though. If my boyfriend had wanted me to fly home to see his parents in like Minnesota I am not sure I would have wanted to spend my limited twenty something budget on that airfare.

This is what I was proposing! (Just asked if it was selfish to want the alone time!)

And son definitely really wants to go on trip- is likely assuming GF will go and they will not pay anything. I doubt either of them would offer to help pay. So we are deciding what the best course of action is. Trip is expensive and not to Minnesota.

We’d be fine if they didn’t want to go and we could just do something separately with them. That would probably be easier honestly. But that’s not our issue.

We will probably just end up inviting and paying! It’s just a new relationship still and seems like a lot.

And who said I had 10 kids?!

Well, it's only a lot because you chose such an expensive trip. Minneapolis is lovely in the springtime, you know.

+1. It’s a lot because you were “ASSuming” he would go without the dreaded HER, at your say-so, without you even consulting him, even though he’s a fully grown adult.

If you want to vacation with ADULTS, you need to treat them as ADULTS, which means consulting them on locations, dates, accommodations, flights, costs, who is attending, and who-pays-for-what ***BEFORE*** you book.

Do better, OP. He didn’t just suddenly turn into an adult. He’s 25. This shouldn’t be “new.”