MIL excluding us from family communications about our kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's clear up a few things:

1) It would never occur to me to send a blast email saying that DD made varsity or DS was named first chair. That just feels odd. It does feel appropriate to mention things like this in conversation with MIL, whether it be coming from me, DH or the kid in question. They are her only grandkids and it's great that MIL can take an interest in their lives.

2) I've repeatedly asked and been told that DH and I would be included in the emails, but never have been. My point to MIL is that we would like to be part of celebrating our kids if she shares updates and would like for our kids to see the love and support they are getting too!

3) I often learn about the email threads in passing, after the fact. Like when DH's brother congratulates a kid on something we haven't told him. Or that time a well-meaning aunt started talking to me about "Team Larlo" and how MIL had been keeping them on the edge of their seats with all the details of his current sports journey and I was like team whaat???

3) MIL often sends updates about others in the family and doesn't exclude anyone, e.g. "Let's all congratulate Larla on passing the bar, her new promotion, buying a new home, new puppy (isn't he adorable!!!!) etc." I get updates about people I've never even met but excluded from the ones about my own kids - that's my issue, plain and simple.

So have you actually SEEN large group emails with a dozen or more people on them that did not include you? I'm not accusing you of anything, just trying to piece together something that might make sense here.

Is it possible that MIL, like many women of her generation, just talk a lot to friends and family and that conversation is often about the grandkids? I know my MIL spends half her day talking on the phone, sending emails and texts with people and that she shares a lot about my kids. I have no issue with that and am glad it brings her joy. I also hear similar things from people that know a lot more about my family than I ever directly told them.

That is different than sending out some sort of detailed newsletter to a large distro list....

[Anonymous]

OP, pick a lane and stay in it.

Be introverted and stop sharing with her/not needing accolades.

Or send your own crap to all the relevant people so you can enjoy reveling in the feedback.

You feel she is stealing your thunder but you are too lazy to do the legwork to post/share stuff yourself. So don't be salty; it is incongruent.

I get it; I'm lazy too- 50% not into the social media constructed photo ops people do- but also 50% I also don't want to do spend my off time doing that stuff. So I would make a joke of it but take her by the shoulders and tell her you are dying to be in the loop on the social media/texts because you LOVE that she does it- as you don't have time, but are SAD you miss out on hearing all the oohs and aahs. I'd just own it and be honest.... but my MIL would get that.

I had to tell my MIL (when she asked if it was ok- all the vacations she was planning/ she picks all our vacations) that for any mild annoyance of 'wanting to choose/plan ourselves' was vastly outweighed by the fact that it was 99% relief as we forget to plan crap/don't organize ahead of time/prefer to be a free rider as she often pays- so you get what you get. And I thanked her for making us a PART of it- which is the piece missing for you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your MIL is super social and probably has 100 threads going at once and I'm sure she's not sending these details to literally everyone she knows, in some formal manner, except for you.

Like, she mentions stuff about the sports team to one of the aunts, and they all get excited and she keeps them posted.... it would actually be super weird if she then copied you in so you could eavesdrop on her chatting about your kids.

I would totally drop this OP, and be glad for all that you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's clear up a few things:

1) It would never occur to me to send a blast email saying that DD made varsity or DS was named first chair. That just feels odd. It does feel appropriate to mention things like this in conversation with MIL, whether it be coming from me, DH or the kid in question. They are her only grandkids and it's great that MIL can take an interest in their lives.

2) I've repeatedly asked and been told that DH and I would be included in the emails, but never have been. My point to MIL is that we would like to be part of celebrating our kids if she shares updates and would like for our kids to see the love and support they are getting too!

3) I often learn about the email threads in passing, after the fact. Like when DH's brother congratulates a kid on something we haven't told him. Or that time a well-meaning aunt started talking to me about "Team Larlo" and how MIL had been keeping them on the edge of their seats with all the details of his current sports journey and I was like team whaat???

3) MIL often sends updates about others in the family and doesn't exclude anyone, e.g. "Let's all congratulate Larla on passing the bar, her new promotion, buying a new home, new puppy (isn't he adorable!!!!) etc." I get updates about people I've never even met but excluded from the ones about my own kids - that's my issue, plain and simple.

So have you actually SEEN large group emails with a dozen or more people on them that did not include you? I'm not accusing you of anything, just trying to piece together something that might make sense here.

Is it possible that MIL, like many women of her generation, just talk a lot to friends and family and that conversation is often about the grandkids? I know my MIL spends half her day talking on the phone, sending emails and texts with people and that she shares a lot about my kids. I have no issue with that and am glad it brings her joy. I also hear similar things from people that know a lot more about my family than I ever directly told them.

That is different than sending out some sort of detailed newsletter to a large distro list....

This is what I think too. No one gas actually said congrats, I saw kiddo in the group email. MIL could be sending pictures by text, showing her phone in person, talking on the phone about the picture, have it on her fridge. She could be updating people in all sorts of ways and they could be telling each other. When I phoned my grandma she talked nonstop about my cousins (who were same age as my kids). To my aunt, she talked nonstop about her great grandkids (my kids).

[Anonymous]

I haven't read this whole thread, but it made me chuckle only because my MIL would probably be the same except she is not technologically adept enough to do it. She shares the old fashioned way, so I'm sure lots of people hear about our kids' successes but we never know about it. I guess this is the one area where her lack of tech ability is a benefit to us.

[Anonymous]

Wow, there are a lot of people on this thread that believe there is only one way to be introverted. Like everything, it's a spectrum, there's no correct way to be an introvert.

[Anonymous]

OP, you said that you and DH asked your MIL to include you on these email chains; what was her response?

[Anonymous]

Example 3 about Larla passing the bar. Did she exclude Larla from the email? I wonder if she does this to everyone - excluding them from announcements about them. Maybe she thinks it will spur people to send their own congrats to Larla, but they just end up replying and not realizing Larla isn’t on the email?

My mom does something similar - sharing extended family news, and providing contact info so we can send our own congrats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, there are a lot of people on this thread that believe there is only one way to be introverted. Like everything, it's a spectrum, there's no correct way to be an introvert.

If you want to be on a huge email exchange interacting and socializing with lot of extended family in order to brag about your kids, that's a very strange form of introversion. It's almost like we could just call that person an extrovert instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL likes to take the lead in managing mass family communications and has a long email distro list of people she always includes. She sends out a monthly calendar of birthdays, anniversaries, memorials, etc. plus a full contact list for family and friends who are like family. She also puts together special birthday e-greetings for everyone and is always the first to get the next congratulatory or holiday thread going. You get the picture, and it's great, except when it comes to discussing our kids.

Our kids are, and will ever be, the only grandkids. ...

I've talked to MIL about this and asked her if she could please not specifically exclude DH and I from these threads as we'd love to ...

What's my move here? MIL is a generally well-meaning person, but this behavior just stings.

Only grandchildren for MIL and your parents but assume not the onlies for the rest of the list - aunts, friends, etc. MIL is the self appointed matriarch and despite repeated requests will not add you/DH to the email list or is she posting all this stuff on a facebook or instagram and maybe blasting your children's personal stuff to all? Privacy settings? Others forwarded emails it to you? Does the creature send it bcc? Your MIL is not a well meaning person. Stop sharing all this stuff with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL likes to take the lead in managing mass family communications and has a long email distro list of people she always includes. She sends out a monthly calendar of birthdays, anniversaries, memorials, etc. plus a full contact list for family and friends who are like family. She also puts together special birthday e-greetings for everyone and is always the first to get the next congratulatory or holiday thread going. You get the picture, and it's great, except when it comes to discussing our kids.

Our kids are, and will ever be, the only grandkids. ...

I've talked to MIL about this and asked her if she could please not specifically exclude DH and I from these threads as we'd love to ...

What's my move here? MIL is a generally well-meaning person, but this behavior just stings.

Only grandchildren for MIL and your parents but assume not the onlies for the rest of the list - aunts, friends, etc. MIL is the self appointed matriarch and despite repeated requests will not add you/DH to the email list or is she posting all this stuff on a facebook or instagram and maybe blasting your children's personal stuff to all? Privacy settings? Others forwarded emails it to you? Does the creature send it bcc? Your MIL is not a well meaning person. Stop sharing all this stuff with her.

The creature? Why would you refer to her MIL this way?

[Anonymous]

Yeah my mother-in-law post stuff on Facebook or talks to people. Probably a good 12 hours a day..... Extended relatives know things about my family that I certainly did not tell them and I know mother-in-law did. She doesn't have some super secret mass email that I am not a part of. She is communicating the good old-fashioned way through phone calls, text and maybe an occasional email to someone. I really don't think this is that big of deal unless you want to start bragging yourself and ask for her email list

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL likes to take the lead in managing mass family communications and has a long email distro list of people she always includes. She sends out a monthly calendar of birthdays, anniversaries, memorials, etc. plus a full contact list for family and friends who are like family. She also puts together special birthday e-greetings for everyone and is always the first to get the next congratulatory or holiday thread going. You get the picture, and it's great, except when it comes to discussing our kids.

Our kids are, and will ever be, the only grandkids. ...

I've talked to MIL about this and asked her if she could please not specifically exclude DH and I from these threads as we'd love to ...

What's my move here? MIL is a generally well-meaning person, but this behavior just stings.

Only grandchildren for MIL and your parents but assume not the onlies for the rest of the list - aunts, friends, etc. MIL is the self appointed matriarch and despite repeated requests will not add you/DH to the email list or is she posting all this stuff on a facebook or instagram and maybe blasting your children's personal stuff to all? Privacy settings? Others forwarded emails it to you? Does the creature send it bcc? Your MIL is not a well meaning person. Stop sharing all this stuff with her.

The creature? Why would you refer to her MIL this way?

I assume pp meant to type creator, and autocorrect got in the way.

[Anonymous]

why is everyone dragging OP? It is reasonable to want be included on a mass email that is about your kids? And super odd that MIL isn't doing that.

OP I would just share less. Sorry everyone is freaking on you, I don't get it. If this truly is a mass email going out to aunts, uncles, friends, she is being super weird about not just adding you and DH to the distro

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop it. You have the distro list. Send the message yourself.

Exactly. This is a super easy solution. MIL gets the news at the same time as everyone else.