MIL excluding us from family communications about our kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back - I guess DH and I are more introverted and just not the type to openly boast about our kids to the masses. And honestly, I have no issues at all with MIL playing the bragging grandma role, if she just wouldn't purposely exclude us.

You can't have it both ways, OP. Either you share the news and get the accolades, or you don't.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does something similar. I don’t share anything with just her anymore. I’ll include other relatives too.

[Anonymous]

I really don’t understand why anyone would care if MIL does this. I would be *delighted* be left out of frequent, long and/ or annoying extended family threads - even if they are saying nice things about my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back - I guess DH and I are more introverted and just not the type to openly boast about our kids to the masses. And honestly, I have no issues at all with MIL playing the bragging grandma role, if she just wouldn't purposely exclude us.

You either stop sharing the accomplishments with your mother-in-law or you send it out to the distribution list yourself. Those are your two options.

Yes this. I'd either NOT share with MIL the details of this type of thing, or I would ONLY share with her by emailing the group. She's lost the privilege of being the first to know with her weird, petty exclusion.

[Anonymous]

I would set a boundary and let her know you will be sharing the info. She is "abusing power" as the matriarch. You are not petty. She is being a passive aggressive jerk.

My mother desperately wants to be a grand matriarch and have all communication go through her. We let her wear her tiara for a while, but she abused the power so we no longer allow her to be queen. We communicate directly with people.

We even had family members put all invitations through her like for Christmas. If cousin Lala wants us at her Christmas party, she can contact us. For goodness sake we are all middle age and mom is losing her memory.

[Anonymous]

If your MIL was not doing this mass communication summery would you have done it yourself? I don't think so.

I think you should behave as if there is no mass communication. Your FOMO is not attractive. Let it go. It is her thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL likes to take the lead in managing mass family communications and has a long email distro list of people she always includes. She sends out a monthly calendar of birthdays, anniversaries, memorials, etc. plus a full contact list for family and friends who are like family. She also puts together special birthday e-greetings for everyone and is always the first to get the next congratulatory or holiday thread going. You get the picture, and it's great, except when it comes to discussing our kids.

Our kids are, and will ever be, the only grandkids. Whenever they accomplish something exciting, MIL takes all of the details/photos I provide and sends them out to the entire family, *except* for DH and I. Aunts, uncles, cousins... all respond in turn congratulating the kids and gushing about how proud they are, etc. There's lots of love and support and just generally nice things be said that we never get to see

I've talked to MIL about this and asked her if she could please not specifically exclude DH and I from these threads as we'd love to be able to read/respond and share them with the kids. Deposit numerous attempts, she just won't do it! She's somewhat emotionally immature and I know she loves to relish in the praise and gets personal satisfaction from it, but it's upsetting that she just can't share it with us and our kids.

I know it's petty of me, but it makes me want to stop sharing as much as I do. DD just aced a very important try-out and now MIL is texting asking for all the details that she will 100% compile into a mass email to everyone but us. I know I shouldn't let it bother me as much as I do, but I don't have many people left in my family of origin, so this side is most of what my kids have in terms of family.

What's my move here? MIL is a generally well-meaning person, but this behavior just stings.

Easy one. You share it first before you share it with her. Take the wind out of her sails. Done.

Why are some people, like your MIL, so strange? I don't get that behavior. But, I'd cut her off at the knees by doing it first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t understand why anyone would care if MIL does this. I would be *delighted* be left out of frequent, long and/ or annoying extended family threads - even if they are saying nice things about my kids.

Cool story. But OP Is not. So your desires are irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems you don’t really know what you want. Either you care about your kids getting accolades or you dont

OP wants to be a fly on the wall and hear all the accolades but doesn't want to look like a show off sending out the brag letter. She's willing to let MIL do the dirty work while she pretends to be an innocent bystander. Until MIL cut her out of the loop.

Which MIL should not be doing under any circumstances. She's not the parent.

[Anonymous]

Please tell us about the accomplishments that MIL boasts about. Is it an A on your 3rd graders spelling test or your 18 year old has been accepted to Yale? I would quit sharing with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Tell her if she excludes you again in the distro. that you won't share accomplishments anymore and you'll send (or DH) the email/text yourselves.

[Anonymous]

I get why you are annoyed OP, but as an introvert I am wondering why you care. My kids kinda rock things but I leave it up to them to share with grandparents or friends. They generally don't. I don't share it anywhere - social media or otherwise. Why do I need their praise?Also, people don't actually care and once you realize the actual level of self absorption around you it's pretty liberating to just let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t understand why anyone would care if MIL does this. I would be *delighted* be left out of frequent, long and/ or annoying extended family threads - even if they are saying nice things about my kids.

Because it’s weird to be pressed for information about your kids only to have it be used as a narcissistic supply for an attention seeking person. She isn’t including OP or the kids because it’s about her receiving attention and praise. She probably also embellishes from time to time to amp up the praise and doesn’t want to be corrected.

MIL sees (insert whatever) as my accomplishment as a grandmother, look I’ve got a better grandchild than you. She isn’t celebrating the accomplishment of or for the actual child. She cuts the kid who did whatever and the parent out of the picture.

Classic competitive and narcissistic granny behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t understand why anyone would care if MIL does this. I would be *delighted* be left out of frequent, long and/ or annoying extended family threads - even if they are saying nice things about my kids.

Because it’s weird to be pressed for information about your kids only to have it be used as a narcissistic supply for an attention seeking person. She isn’t including OP or the kids because it’s about her receiving attention and praise. She probably also embellishes from time to time to amp up the praise and doesn’t want to be corrected.

MIL sees (insert whatever) as my accomplishment as a grandmother, look I’ve got a better grandchild than you. She isn’t celebrating the accomplishment of or for the actual child. She cuts the kid who did whatever and the parent out of the picture.

Classic competitive and narcissistic granny behavior.

Look, it's all gross and narcissistic. Nobody really cares about your kid/grandkid's minor accomplishments.

[Anonymous]

OP said that people come up to her and compliment her and congratulate her children about things she never told them..... So it is not just about the grandma getting something out of this OP obviously likes that attention.... And is even asking for more of it so she can see emails people are sending.
I would love to know why she thinks this is a mass email that she is excluded on and not just natural forms of communication by people who talk. Maybe it's an introvert. She doesn't understand people actually talk to each other.