MIL excluding us from family communications about our kids

[Anonymous]

Ask one of the other family members to immediately & ostentatiously loop you into the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:or maybe just be grateful she is a proud grandparent gushing to her extended family about your kids?

Nope! A “proud grandparent” would include the parents on the email chain when requested, the first time, with no pushback.

MIL is not a “proud grandparent,” she’s a manipulative spotlight-stealer who wants to control and be the center of attention. Nope, “proud grandparent” she is not. She uses her grandchildren as fodder and grist for the mill of attention and control. No more info for granny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems you don’t really know what you want. Either you care about your kids getting accolades or you dont

OP wants to be a fly on the wall and hear all the accolades but doesn't want to look like a show off sending out the brag letter. She's willing to let MIL do the dirty work while she pretends to be an innocent bystander. Until MIL cut her out of the loop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems you don’t really know what you want. Either you care about your kids getting accolades or you dont

I think OP wants to see the accolades but doesn’t want to be seen as bragging. If MIL sends the text, it’s not OP bragging, but she can still revel in the gushing.

If she were really introverted, she wouldn’t want the texts sent in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or maybe just be grateful she is a proud grandparent gushing to her extended family about your kids?

Nope! A “proud grandparent” would include the parents on the email chain when requested, the first time, with no pushback.

MIL is not a “proud grandparent,” she’s a manipulative spotlight-stealer who wants to control and be the center of attention. Nope, “proud grandparent” she is not. She uses her grandchildren as fodder and grist for the mill of attention and control. No more info for granny.

Do you not think this is over-the-top? MIL should include OP on these communications and it is weird that she isn't.

But there is nothing to indicate she is not proud, or in general some type of controlling terrible person.

Behavior can be wrong without the person being awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or maybe just be grateful she is a proud grandparent gushing to her extended family about your kids?

Nope! A “proud grandparent” would include the parents on the email chain when requested, the first time, with no pushback.

MIL is not a “proud grandparent,” she’s a manipulative spotlight-stealer who wants to control and be the center of attention. Nope, “proud grandparent” she is not. She uses her grandchildren as fodder and grist for the mill of attention and control. No more info for granny.

Please. There's no spotlight over a "perfect attendance award" or whatever participation trophy OPs kids get every month. The recipients are rolling their eyes no matter who sends it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or maybe just be grateful she is a proud grandparent gushing to her extended family about your kids?

Nope! A “proud grandparent” would include the parents on the email chain when requested, the first time, with no pushback.

MIL is not a “proud grandparent,” she’s a manipulative spotlight-stealer who wants to control and be the center of attention. Nope, “proud grandparent” she is not. She uses her grandchildren as fodder and grist for the mill of attention and control. No more info for granny.

But then, who will tell OP how smart and cute and talented her kids are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL likes to take the lead in managing mass family communications and has a long email distro list of people she always includes. She sends out a monthly calendar of birthdays, anniversaries, memorials, etc. plus a full contact list for family and friends who are like family. She also puts together special birthday e-greetings for everyone and is always the first to get the next congratulatory or holiday thread going. You get the picture, and it's great, except when it comes to discussing our kids.

Our kids are, and will ever be, the only grandkids. Whenever they accomplish something exciting, MIL takes all of the details/photos I provide and sends them out to the entire family, *except* for DH and I. Aunts, uncles, cousins... all respond in turn congratulating the kids and gushing about how proud they are, etc. There's lots of love and support and just generally nice things be said that we never get to see

I've talked to MIL about this and asked her if she could please not specifically exclude DH and I from these threads as we'd love to be able to read/respond and share them with the kids. Deposit numerous attempts, she just won't do it! She's somewhat emotionally immature and I know she loves to relish in the praise and gets personal satisfaction from it, but it's upsetting that she just can't share it with us and our kids.

I know it's petty of me, but it makes me want to stop sharing as much as I do. DD just aced a very important try-out and now MIL is texting asking for all the details that she will 100% compile into a mass email to everyone but us. I know I shouldn't let it bother me as much as I do, but I don't have many people left in my family of origin, so this side is most of what my kids have in terms of family.

What's my move here? MIL is a generally well-meaning person, but this behavior just stings.

How do you know this if you never get to see it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back - I guess DH and I are more introverted and just not the type to openly boast about our kids to the masses. And honestly, I have no issues at all with MIL playing the bragging grandma role, if she just wouldn't purposely exclude us.

NP. If you don't want to send out the information yourself, then contact the parents of one/some of the other grandkids. Make a deal that whenever grandma sends out information about any of the grandkids that you'll each forward the message to each other so that you each get the messages. She probably does the same to the other parents, so you can just fix the problem yourself by collaborating with another set of parents.

OP said there are no other grandkids.

Sorry, I misread that.

So, you can still get another family member who gets those announcements to still forward you Grandma's messages when they come in. Someone gets them and you should be able to find one family member to forward the announcements to you when they come out. It's not like it's a huge ask.

[Anonymous]

Let's clear up a few things:

1) It would never occur to me to send a blast email saying that DD made varsity or DS was named first chair. That just feels odd. It does feel appropriate to mention things like this in conversation with MIL, whether it be coming from me, DH or the kid in question. They are her only grandkids and it's great that MIL can take an interest in their lives.

2) I've repeatedly asked and been told that DH and I would be included in the emails, but never have been. My point to MIL is that we would like to be part of celebrating our kids if she shares updates and would like for our kids to see the love and support they are getting too!

3) I often learn about the email threads in passing, after the fact. Like when DH's brother congratulates a kid on something we haven't told him. Or that time a well-meaning aunt started talking to me about "Team Larlo" and how MIL had been keeping them on the edge of their seats with all the details of his current sports journey and I was like team whaat???

3) MIL often sends updates about others in the family and doesn't exclude anyone, e.g. "Let's all congratulate Larla on passing the bar, her new promotion, buying a new home, new puppy (isn't he adorable!!!!) etc." I get updates about people I've never even met but excluded from the ones about my own kids - that's my issue, plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

and yeah that was me, OP, above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or maybe just be grateful she is a proud grandparent gushing to her extended family about your kids?

Nope! A “proud grandparent” would include the parents on the email chain when requested, the first time, with no pushback.

MIL is not a “proud grandparent,” she’s a manipulative spotlight-stealer who wants to control and be the center of attention. Nope, “proud grandparent” she is not. She uses her grandchildren as fodder and grist for the mill of attention and control. No more info for granny.

This x1000. We have one of these in our extended family. Everyone is basically a supply source for her constant praise me, look at me antics. Ours wields her email distribution list as a way to be the center of attention, punish those who aren’t doing what she wants by removing them and adding them back later, ensuring that she is never left out of anything. She’s awful! We don’t share anything with her which means we get dropped from the list frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back - I guess DH and I are more introverted and just not the type to openly boast about our kids to the masses. And honestly, I have no issues at all with MIL playing the bragging grandma role, if she just wouldn't purposely exclude us.

So you are introverted and don't want to boast, except that you have no problem with others boasting, as long as you get to see the congratulations that come form the boasting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's clear up a few things:

1) It would never occur to me to send a blast email saying that DD made varsity or DS was named first chair. That just feels odd. It does feel appropriate to mention things like this in conversation with MIL, whether it be coming from me, DH or the kid in question. They are her only grandkids and it's great that MIL can take an interest in their lives.

2) I've repeatedly asked and been told that DH and I would be included in the emails, but never have been. My point to MIL is that we would like to be part of celebrating our kids if she shares updates and would like for our kids to see the love and support they are getting too!

3) I often learn about the email threads in passing, after the fact. Like when DH's brother congratulates a kid on something we haven't told him. Or that time a well-meaning aunt started talking to me about "Team Larlo" and how MIL had been keeping them on the edge of their seats with all the details of his current sports journey and I was like team whaat???

3) MIL often sends updates about others in the family and doesn't exclude anyone, e.g. "Let's all congratulate Larla on passing the bar, her new promotion, buying a new home, new puppy (isn't he adorable!!!!) etc." I get updates about people I've never even met but excluded from the ones about my own kids - that's my issue, plain and simple.

You want to control how your MIL talks to her family?

[Anonymous]

Maybe your mother in law figures that you already know about your kids' accomplishments so therefore there's no need to include you.

This seems like a really bizarre thing to get upset about.