Angry about non-reciprocal hosting

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to be more flexible in your thinking. Friendships don't have to be mirror-image reciprocity. This kid is probably an introvert, you know he has some special needs, and hosting just doesn't work well for him at this time.

We don't need every friendship to meet all our needs. Different friends are for different activities. I have my choir friends to sing with, my work friends at work, my friends who like to go out, my friends who I do museums with-- I don't expect all of that from a single person! If you would like your son to be invited, try to cultivate more friendships, maybe with kids who are more extroverted or with kids who are only children so their parents motivate for more playdates. Stop expecting one friendship to check all the boxes.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you're angry.

Surely you can understand that everyone has their limits on tolerating a hyper kid, especially people who may be on the spectrum (because where his friend gets it from?).

My son with ADHD/ASD has no friends. If someone was willing to hang out with him, I wouldn't be angry at non-reciprocity.

Be thankful for what you already have.

[Anonymous]

We have 2 kids with ADHD who love a neighbor with ADHD autism. So, flipped situation from yours. I have the sense that the parents are thrilled my kids will play with her, as I understand it's hard for her to make friends. She is lovely and parents are, too, but I find that she shows up... a lot (last time she was standing in our LR because I hadn't locked the door, and engaged with me... a lot... about how yes my kids could play. It was polite but a hassle).

All of a way to say, I could easily see drawing stricter boundaries than your family would want to, if it's hard, more work, not beneficial, etc. etc. for them.

[Anonymous]

Let me explain what a "user" might look like.

In elementary a child who invited himself over 3-4 times a week after school. Their parents worked late so they ate snack and sometimes at our house, played games and I basically provided childcare. But when it came time to have their birthday party which was very large and included almost all the class DC was not invited. Same child was running late and saw us near our house and asked me to drive him home. No problem but when we arrived the child was having a party with all his actual friends.

When they are older a child who comes by with 3-4 friends under the guise of wanting to include DC in their gathering. They all at eat the house, leave a mess. Then when they leave the house to walk to their next destination they run ahead and ditch DC or if DC keeps up they tell DC to return home. This happens not once but repeatedly as DC is too innocent to understand that DC is the joke.

OP, your child sounds like he has a genuine friendship with this other child. Your are lucky.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the one that is upset or your son?

[Anonymous]

Your son is a tough kid to host. Probably tougher and more high maintenance than you think. Take the win - their kid is accepting your invites, and your kid has a friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is a tough kid to host. Probably tougher and more high maintenance than you think. Take the win - their kid is accepting your invites, and your kid has a friend

Nothing in OP's post makes me believe it has anything to do with her child. It just seems like the other family has other things going on. It could be they are selfish and don't want to bother hosting or they have other difficulties in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe they find his high energy overwhelming.

Of course they do. However, that doesn't change the fact that it isn't right to accept tons of invites but never offer an invite to anything. They have reached out to ask if the kids want to get together, but always expect it to be at our place or an activity hosted and organized by me.

Thinking about it more, I don't actually even care about them per se. I am just sad that my son is never invited anywhere. But at least he has a friend who accepts our invites, so I think I need to let it go. Thanks.

This post makes no sense. You choose to invite the child, they say yes. That is 100% on you. If you child isn't behaving well at their house, it makes sense for you to host.

[Anonymous]

As a parent of DC w ADHD who *treasures* being invited over to someone's house, I can understand your wanting your DS to have those experiences too. And when there seems to be a "place" within reach for those playdates to happen, and they aren't panning out, I can see it is frustrating and hurtful.

I think one of the things we learn as SN parents is structuring the environment for our DCs. My DC ADHD needs a lot of stimulation and entertainment. We are constantly finding to do's and seeking out friends to join in. It could be that an ASD parent structures and sets up for success in a different way.

I would honestly be truthful with this parent. It seems like an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. Express that your DC needs/would like to experience the independence that comes with a play date at someone else's house. Explain that you can give some pointers on how to make it a successful get together if they are not used to ADHD kids. Explain that you feel things are skewed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of DC w ADHD who *treasures* being invited over to someone's house, I can understand your wanting your DS to have those experiences too. And when there seems to be a "place" within reach for those playdates to happen, and they aren't panning out, I can see it is frustrating and hurtful.

I think one of the things we learn as SN parents is structuring the environment for our DCs. My DC ADHD needs a lot of stimulation and entertainment. We are constantly finding to do's and seeking out friends to join in. It could be that an ASD parent structures and sets up for success in a different way.

I would honestly be truthful with this parent. It seems like an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. Express that your DC needs/would like to experience the independence that comes with a play date at someone else's house. Explain that you can give some pointers on how to make it a successful get together if they are not used to ADHD kids. Explain that you feel things are skewed.

I do not agree with this advice and my prediction is it will do the opposite of strengthen the relationship. They may not feel comfortable or have permission from their son to say either it's a quirk that their son has about his own space or they don't like how your son behaves. I would say maybe someone is ill or there is another life stressor, but you said the daughter hosts a lot. The only other thing I can think of is are you super late to pick up? I have had that cause an issue where we had other things scheduled. If I value the friendship enough I simply insist we will drive the kid home when it's over, but if not then I stop inviting. I had a mom arrive an hour late with no apology. She had no idea I texted and her kid behaved poorly. I didn't invite him again and my kid didn't want to go to his house, but that doesn't sound the case here.

If my kid has a good friend and the family doesn't reciprocate, as long as they get along well in my home, no problem. It sounds like maybe you are taking this personally. If you are desperate to get your kid experience going to other houses then maybe other friends will invite him. If they don't, other than his girlfriend, then perhaps that is where he is on best behavior and you need to be open to the idea the behavior is worse than you thought.

[Anonymous]

I just posted, but OP would you truly prefer if they just kept declining? We did that with the family where after several times of having the child over I just had too much stress to deal with needing to supervise and intervene so much and still remain calm and polite. The mom was very offended we were declining. She also made an attempt to invite her kid to our home. I don't think she would believe it if I told her the things he did. I think she would assume I was making it up or find a way to blame my son. Not worth dealing with that. The nice thing about them being in team taught middle school classes together was it was structured and there wasn't enough time at lunch for issues. So we kept the friendship at school.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw I don't do alot of hosting because the house is always a mess, brother with a disorder makes for difficult time with guests and or husband is always a giant grouch.
In my case I have the time and money so we will invite to events, but you just don't know what's going on with other people. Try to assume the best intentions.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize with your frustration, but I think you should try to be grateful that there's a kid who seems to genuinely enjoy your child's company and accepts the invites. I wouldn't cut back the invites, because you're doing this for your child (who can probably benefit from as much social exposure as possible), not for your own needs.

I have ASD, and I can count on my fingers the number of times I was invited to anything by the parents of my friends, despite being quiet and carefully polite. However, my parents encouraged me to invite others to us for movies, pizzas, visits to the arcade, theme parks, and so forth. I think the prospect of a treat enticed kids to come when some of them might otherwise have said, and so I got some badly-needed socialization.

As an adult, I have learned to mask, as has my also-ASD spouse. Neither of us are really socially comfortable with people we don't know well, so we find it hard to host (and often find it hard to accept anything other than a drop-off invite) because it's stressful for us to socialize with other parents.

So please keep in mind that the parents of an ASD kid may have ASD themselves, and it's possible that they really do not feel equipped to deal with an ADHD kid without coming dangerously close to a meltdown themselves.

[Anonymous]

No, you can’t invite your kid over to someone else’s house.

I have 3 kids and most people do not reciprocate. I am always inviting, hosting and paying. I used to get mad. I would want someone to take my kid out for pizza or ice cream.

Feel glad your child has friends and continue to host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you're punishing the kids because you're offended they don't host. I'll never understand parents like you. We host a lot more than we are hosted because we have a lot more flexibility to do so. It's never bothered me

+1.