Angry about non-reciprocal hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree with the last two posters - however, they could invite him to go somewhere else besides their house. We have taken their son to movies, a community play, the Air and Space Museum (the one near Dulles at an off hour so that it was not too crowded). So their son is able to go places.
They have hosted us once as a family, just to clarify. We have hosted them a few times, as I like to do a holiday party with a few people. However, I have no issue with the reciprocity of family hosting - I just want my son to be invited somewhere by a friend once in a while. He basically never is.

They probably don’t feel like they could manage your very active son on an outing. It sounds like their son is the opposite of yours so they likely lack the skills to handle your DS.

This. OP, you're used to how he behaved and have the relationship with him and the skills. They do not, so it's intimidating for them. They may be afraid if it goes badly, you won't want to have the boys be friends anymore!

Some people just aren't good at this. I'm not, so I try to be a good friend in other ways. Try to overlook their lack of confidence here, and accept the friendship that they are offering.

I don't know OP. This thread doesn't sound very friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree with the last two posters - however, they could invite him to go somewhere else besides their house. We have taken their son to movies, a community play, the Air and Space Museum (the one near Dulles at an off hour so that it was not too crowded). So their son is able to go places.
They have hosted us once as a family, just to clarify. We have hosted them a few times, as I like to do a holiday party with a few people. However, I have no issue with the reciprocity of family hosting - I just want my son to be invited somewhere by a friend once in a while. He basically never is.

Your post instantly reminded me of my 12 yo niece. She desperately wants to have friends and it’s so hard. When she’s had kids at her house, she gets overwhelmed and various behaviors happen. Then she feels terrible, guilty and embarrassed later and spirals. The same can happen when they are out with her parents. My sister, her mom, will say she will do things like accuse her parents of being nicer or liking the other kid better and then basically having a tantrum. Repeat later - the guilt, regret and embarrassment sets in. She is in therapy and groups for social skills.

It’s why they prefer to have her in activities or places where the immediate family is not there. These behaviors are less likely to occur and she wants normal connections so badly since she knows she different.

I have no idea if this is the case with this kid but wanted to share a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

I don't know OP. This thread doesn't sound very friendly.

OP here. I agree, and have come to the conclusion that they are sort of users. However, their son is a perfectly nice person, and in many ways, a good match for my son. I just have to readjust my expectations and behavior, I think.

[Anonymous]

Does your kid mind that he is not getting invited places? If he only has a few friends and is not upset about the lack of reciprocal invitations, I wouldn’t change anything. You don’t want to punish your kid or make his life worse.

Also, as they get older, can you suggest more outings where no one is hosting? The kids could meet for a movie or ice cream at a neutral place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know OP. This thread doesn't sound very friendly.

OP here. I agree, and have come to the conclusion that they are sort of users. However, their son is a perfectly nice person, and in many ways, a good match for my son. I just have to readjust my expectations and behavior, I think.

Accept it as a "I am doing for my kid" thing and move on.

[Anonymous]

So you're punishing the kids because you're offended they don't host. I'll never understand parents like you. We host a lot more than we are hosted because we have a lot more flexibility to do so. It's never bothered me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know OP. This thread doesn't sound very friendly.

OP here. I agree, and have come to the conclusion that they are sort of users. However, their son is a perfectly nice person, and in many ways, a good match for my son. I just have to readjust my expectations and behavior, I think.

Accept it as a "I am doing for my kid" thing and move on.

How are they users if they aren't comfortable hosting your kid?

[Anonymous]

What you are angry about is a dynamic that is unfair, but is part of your life, and can’t be helped by them.

[Anonymous]

Do not conflate their poor reciprocity and the special needs of the children. Many people do not reciprocate. Even if their children are neurotypical.

[Anonymous]

I have an only, and he’s friends with 2 brothers. One is a quirky anxious type. Sometimes l have them bother over for playdates. I am good with handling quirky anxious types and l actually enjoy that kids company. Maybe they know you can handle their son but don’t feel confident about handling yours. Maybe you are really a blessing to that kid. These are all maybes.

[Anonymous]

I think this is something that you’re entitled to feel angry about but you need to let it go.

I’ve been on both ends of this at different times.

My daughter had a hard time with social skills as a toddler/preschooler and I was always the one planning play dates and hosting. It sucked, and I hated it, but really there was no alternative.

Later on in elementary, my daughter grew into the nice well behaved kid who always got invited everywhere. There was a brief moment in time where things were pretty reciprocal. Then her younger brother was struggling with autism and I did not have the bandwidth to host anyone at home. My personal struggles were not something that I discussed with other parents, so I’m sure to many people, it just looked like I was being selfish and became a user.

Even now that we are no longer drowning, I still can’t host like before. And on the rare occasions that I organize something, it tends to be with the kids who are easy to host. Im already burnt out on my own child’s therapy and managing behaviors. I just can’t take on any more.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can easily understand not wanting the responsibilities associated with supervising —and possibly protecting— someone else’s high needs child. If your goal really is to help your son maintain one of his few friendships, perhaps you can prioritize his needs rather than your own. Consider arranging some family activities and outings for both families — if the other family is interested. That way, the other kid’s parents can see your son in a variety of potentially stressful or overwhelming situations, and see what, if any supports he might need to enjoy the activities with minimal stress.

Think, too, about the supports that you might be providing your son — redirecting his attention, intervening with his behavior, recognizing when he’s tired…. And ask yourself if these are things that other adults can effectively do with your son, and, more importantly, if they should be doing them with someone else’s child — who is their guest. Since you don’t provide details (which is fine), I’m imagining multiple situations where your son might have difficulties that the parents of a calmer kid are ill-equipped to handle in ways that will be comfortable for everyone.

I think your conclusions are good ones. I think too, at some level, you realize that being responsible for a high energy, challenging child on medication (which has time-limited utility) is really not the same thing as hosting a calmer kid. You refer to the other parents as “sort of users” — without really reflecting on the reasons that your child may not have many friends. One of those reasons might be that other parents are reluctant to host your child, or have their kids spending time with someone who’s behavior may be impulsive or easily overwhelmed. Your child is benefiting from a friendship that you and he find rewarding. Ask yourself what your child’s life would be like without this friendship. Maybe you’re the “user”— in that your son is gaining invaluable experiences and skills, in a way that is minimally stressful to you. I hope you’re able to address your own expectations AND appreciate the positives that this friendship is providing your son.

[Anonymous]

It's probably that the son doesn't want to invite or have a friend over than the parents being users. My son refuses to invite friends over, privately throws a fit when I tell him I invited friends over, but will happily go if invited by a friend. He has another school friend who hates inviting friends, so the two of them don't see each other much outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. This kid is really lovely. I want him and DS to stay friends. I think the solution is to keep hosting him, but reduce the frequency, since I am feeling somewhat upset with his parents' behavior. I wish the kids could arrange things on their own, but they're not in a place to do so. They do enjoy each other's company. My son is a little hyper but he likes things like board games, puzzles etc. and can hyperfocus on them, so there is overlap with his friend's interests.

I think you need to stop overthinking this and making it about you. Your child is happy, the other child is happy. It sounds like a really great friendship. Look at the good that is coming from this relationship.

You never know what is going on in their family. For many years we could not host because we had a sick relative and I was always out. I know another family that can't host because the father is volatile. A friend of mine has great kids but one sibling who may seem okay tends to have emotional outbursts and their walls are all torn up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know OP. This thread doesn't sound very friendly.

OP here. I agree, and have come to the conclusion that they are sort of users. However, their son is a perfectly nice person, and in many ways, a good match for my son. I just have to readjust my expectations and behavior, I think.

"users"? What kind of way of thinking is that? I hope people don't think that about us but you really have no idea what my life is like. I do try to drive kids to movies or other outings and pay for things as much as I can but when you have a DH who starts drinking at 4 p.m. I'm not going to want to have playdates and I don't think you want your child here either.