Angry about non-reciprocal hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. This kid is really lovely. I want him and DS to stay friends. I think the solution is to keep hosting him, but reduce the frequency, since I am feeling somewhat upset with his parents' behavior. I wish the kids could arrange things on their own, but they're not in a place to do so. They do enjoy each other's company. My son is a little hyper but he likes things like board games, puzzles etc. and can hyperfocus on them, so there is overlap with his friend's interests.

It’s tough but you can’t control what other people do. I would continue on doing what you’re doing for the sake of your son.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say, I hear you OP, and I experience this as well. I am constantly hosting playdates for my very social daughter and we hardly ever get reciprocal invites! I'm a total introvert but I put forth the effort for her sake, and it does frustrate me that she doesn't get invited back. Personally I would be embarrassed to keep sending my child over for playdates with someone and never offer to have them back. As you said, playdates don't have to be at someone else's house. I will be happy when she's old enough that she can start coordinating her own social plans.

[Anonymous]

One "trick" I've found that works with my kid is that when her friend gets picked up from our house she'll ask their parent when she can play at their house. Coming from a kid, it doesn't seem rude, and more often then not the parent then feels like they should offer to host next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One "trick" I've found that works with my kid is that when her friend gets picked up from our house she'll ask their parent when she can play at their house. Coming from a kid, it doesn't seem rude, and more often than not the parent then feels like they should offer to host next time.

This is terrible advice. It definitely seems rude (stop kidding yourself), it is rude, and it’s going to get her ostracized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One "trick" I've found that works with my kid is that when her friend gets picked up from our house she'll ask their parent when she can play at their house. Coming from a kid, it doesn't seem rude, and more often than not the parent then feels like they should offer to host next time.

It is very rude, and I would decline.

[Anonymous]

You could simply ask and talk openly for what you want? “I love child 1 and child 2’s friendship and seeing them play together. Do you think the next play date could be at yours next time? We think getting outside the house would be good for my child.” And they can politely decline or say it’s fine. It might not have even crossed their mind or figured you like hosting.

[Anonymous]

I get why OP is frustrated, but maybe they could reframe this situation as something positive. Many parents would love for their home to be the hangout spot for their teenage kids. You will get a better window into what your child and friends are up to. Your child is comfortable inviting friends to your home, and has a friend to hang with…two more wins. Not trying to engage in toxic positivity. This just strikes me as more of an issue with OP’s mindset of the situation versus a problem for any of the other involved parties.

[Anonymous]

Op, I haven't read through all the replies, but I want to share a different perspective. I grew up with a mom who would keep a tally of how many times I went to a friend's house and how many times they came to mine. And she would demand I tell my friends why I wasn't inviting them over again. I couldn't do it, so I was often alone. IT WAS AWFUL. And so incredibly stressful. I promised I would invite kids, adults, etc no matter if it was reciprocated. AND I would make those at my house feel welcome and comfortable even if it was invite #100 to their invite #2.

I say this gently: some of us on this board with challenging children would give our right arm to have a friend for our kid like you have for yours. Please nurture that relationship. It truly doesn't matter WHY they aren't asking you over as much. It could be that they are afraid their son is going to have a monumental meltdown and will lose what is likely his only friend. Who knows? What matters is that he has a friend. Please let your boy continue to invite his friend over.