Angry about non-reciprocal hosting

[Anonymous]

My son (14) has ADHD. He only has a few friends. One of the kids he is friends with has ASD. He is a quiet boy, and I generally find him easy to deal with. The issue is with his parents. We have hosted him so many times for game nights, dessert, at our pool, to movie nights, taken him to museums. They have invited DS over two times ever over a multi-year (4 or 5 year) friendship They have a nice house (they have hosted our family on one of those two times). They invite people over for their younger daughter. I find the boy easy to host, and I get that my son is not as easy (he is medicated and in therapy but still very high energy). However, the non-reciprocal nature of this is really starting to get to me, because I would like my son to occasionally get invited places as well. Is there a way that I can politely raise this?

[Anonymous]

You can't always get what you want. Stop hosting or accept it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes kids with ASD (or kids in general) have a hard time with the intimacy of someone in their living space, or with the social role of the host. I wouldn't assume it's because of your son. And they do host you as a family.

If your son has few friends, I wouldn't push too hard, so that he can keep the friends he has. Sometimes it's imbalanced and you just live with it.

[Anonymous]

My nephew has ASD. Having fiends in his space, touching his things, and just generally being in his room is something he struggles with.
Add that with a high energy kid and maybe he is stressed about him going over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nephew has ASD. Having fiends in his space, touching his things, and just generally being in his room is something he struggles with.
Add that with a high energy kid and maybe he is stressed about him going over.

Absolutely…all of this has been my experience with my child who is on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree with the last two posters - however, they could invite him to go somewhere else besides their house. We have taken their son to movies, a community play, the Air and Space Museum (the one near Dulles at an off hour so that it was not too crowded). So their son is able to go places.
They have hosted us once as a family, just to clarify. We have hosted them a few times, as I like to do a holiday party with a few people. However, I have no issue with the reciprocity of family hosting - I just want my son to be invited somewhere by a friend once and a while. He basically never is.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they find his high energy overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

I understand it would be nice for them to reciprocate more, but you can’t change people into better hosts.

[Anonymous]

You might have more luck with another child who also has ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they find his high energy overwhelming.

Of course they do. However, that doesn't change the fact that it isn't right to accept tons of invites but never offer an invite to anything. They have reached out to ask if the kids want to get together, but always expect it to be at our place or an activity hosted and organized by me.

Thinking about it more, I don't actually even care about them per se. I am just sad that my son is never invited anywhere. But at least he has a friend who accepts our invites, so I think I need to let it go. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

So next time they ask, say "That sounds great, Larlo would love to go to the museum. Unfortunately I am super busy with work this weekend, so can you take them?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree with the last two posters - however, they could invite him to go somewhere else besides their house. We have taken their son to movies, a community play, the Air and Space Museum (the one near Dulles at an off hour so that it was not too crowded). So their son is able to go places.
They have hosted us once as a family, just to clarify. We have hosted them a few times, as I like to do a holiday party with a few people. However, I have no issue with the reciprocity of family hosting - I just want my son to be invited somewhere by a friend once in a while. He basically never is.

They probably don’t feel like they could manage your very active son on an outing. It sounds like their son is the opposite of yours so they likely lack the skills to handle your DS.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is completely on you-stop inviting if it bugs you!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the feedback. This kid is really lovely. I want him and DS to stay friends. I think the solution is to keep hosting him, but reduce the frequency, since I am feeling somewhat upset with his parents' behavior. I wish the kids could arrange things on their own, but they're not in a place to do so. They do enjoy each other's company. My son is a little hyper but he likes things like board games, puzzles etc. and can hyperfocus on them, so there is overlap with his friend's interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree with the last two posters - however, they could invite him to go somewhere else besides their house. We have taken their son to movies, a community play, the Air and Space Museum (the one near Dulles at an off hour so that it was not too crowded). So their son is able to go places.
They have hosted us once as a family, just to clarify. We have hosted them a few times, as I like to do a holiday party with a few people. However, I have no issue with the reciprocity of family hosting - I just want my son to be invited somewhere by a friend once in a while. He basically never is.

They probably don’t feel like they could manage your very active son on an outing. It sounds like their son is the opposite of yours so they likely lack the skills to handle your DS.

This. OP, you're used to how he behaved and have the relationship with him and the skills. They do not, so it's intimidating for them. They may be afraid if it goes badly, you won't want to have the boys be friends anymore!

Some people just aren't good at this. I'm not, so I try to be a good friend in other ways. Try to overlook their lack of confidence here, and accept the friendship that they are offering.