Angry about non-reciprocal hosting

[Anonymous]

The kid you are hosting sounds great. I host my kids' friends all the time, not at our home but taking them to outings.
There's one kid who never says thank you, and the last few times he said insulting personal things about DC in front of other kids in the car. I would be so happy to host actual polite kids who made my kid feel good and like a worthy person.

[Anonymous]

OP like others have said, he has right to be frustrated, but best to let it go. I used to host way more and that was fine with me. I was happy my son had friends. That was back in the day where if they other child was too much for us to handle we could still meet at a park with both moms there. That is what I moved to if I saw I could not keep the kid safe. That was rarely an issue with my other child's friends so we always had them over-some parents didn't reciprocate much. If we found the kid easy and the hangout went well-don't care.

These days I have way too much going on in my life and my kids are all teens. I will no longer host the kid who cannot behave because it is far more dangerous and I don't have the emotional energy for a kid who isn't mine giving me attitude.

My son has one friend who's mother sounds just like you. I don't think she can fathom just how awful her son is at our home and I understand why he was never asked to anyone else's home. He is downright destructive and I know her well enough to know she cannot take criticism because she is still fuming at minor feedback from MIDDLE SCHOOL (they are in highschool). I won't have him over and I don't trust him not to do something like shoplift if they met up on their own elsewhere. She kept inviting my son and i was happy to send him until she got uppity and started inviting her son to our home. She never asks about his behavior and I know she would lash out if I told her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't always get what you want. Stop hosting or accept it.

I’ve learned to live with this as well. Some parents are scrupulous about reciprocation, some are flexible but generally attentive, some it is very little, and some it is zero. Looking back on it, I wouldn’t change my focus on making sure my kids have social opportunities. I made peace with this early on and am glad I did.

[Anonymous]

Op your don probably has a higher need for play dates than this kid, so you really are getting a be for you aren’t acknowledging. The other boy might be neutral or equally happy with one play date per semester but also fine to go if invited. My guess is your son bugs you if you don’t have a bust playdate schedule and that’s your burden, not the other families.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. It is unfair and hard on you. But you want your child to have time with a friend, so you have to do the heavy lifting.

Some parents are users. If it were just you, you’d break it off. But you are thinking of your son.

[Anonymous]

I just posted, but wanted to say I never found it "rude" to keep accepting our invitations if they only reciprocated a little. We chose to invite them without expecting anything in return.

Also, OP you need to explore more what you are truly angry about. You admit your son behaves poorly. These parents are not trained professionals if if they don't think they can manage your son, that is their right. You need to be exploring what other interventions and therapies you can try because your kid is going need to manage the world post highschool one day and he will be in situations..college/work where he will need to know hot to conduct himself. If it not the job of other parents to teach him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. It is unfair and hard on you. But you want your child to have time with a friend, so you have to do the heavy lifting.

Some parents are users. If it were just you, you’d break it off. But you are thinking of your son.

But op is also “using” the other child to keep her son busy/entertained/socially engaged. The other kid may be more introverted and need less activity than op’s kid, which is fine. They are probably assuming op is happy to host since she keeps inviting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. It is unfair and hard on you. But you want your child to have time with a friend, so you have to do the heavy lifting.

Some parents are users. If it were just you, you’d break it off. But you are thinking of your son.

But op is also “using” the other child to keep her son busy/entertained/socially engaged. The other kid may be more introverted and need less activity than op’s kid, which is fine. They are probably assuming op is happy to host since she keeps inviting them.

+1 also if one of the two playdates they hosted included the parents, my guess is they do find op’s child tough to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. It is unfair and hard on you. But you want your child to have time with a friend, so you have to do the heavy lifting.

Some parents are users. If it were just you, you’d break it off. But you are thinking of your son.

But op is also “using” the other child to keep her son busy/entertained/socially engaged. The other kid may be more introverted and need less activity than op’s kid, which is fine. They are probably assuming op is happy to host since she keeps inviting them.

This. Also, I am always willing to host a quiet easy child and it if keeps my child entertained it's win win. They are doing you a favor sending him IMO. You shouldn't be bean counting. There are kids we have over who actually make my life easier because my kids are happier and I don't have to do much. If a kid is a handful of course people will be reluctant. When my older child didn't get many invites who delved more into behavior on the few invites he got. I gave politeness prompts before. We did social stories back in the day. Teach you kid to be a good guest and if you can't why do you expect other parents to do it? Also, people are litigious these days. If your kid is going to do something potentially dangerous in my home and I already see you are defensive, no way am I risking hosting.

[Anonymous]

Teach you kid to be a good guest and if you can't why do you expect other parents to do it? Also, people are litigious these days. If your kid is going to do something potentially dangerous in my home and I already see you are defensive, no way am I risking hosting.

Of course we work with him on this, and he has done social skills classes. He's not destroying anyone's property etc., but he does have some issues with keeping his voice down and not interrupting, which we continue to work on him with. He has an IEP at school, but for study skills only (does field trips and classes without an aide). When he had a girlfriend over the summer, he went to her house and her parents had no complaints other than agreeing with me that he need to continue to work on not interrupting. He says that he and the ex-girlfriend are still casually friendly at school, but they are no longer dating.

[Anonymous]

I think it's great for kids this age to meet up at a "third" location, such as the teen room at the public library or a coffee shop. It builds their independence and teaches them things without us hovering.

[Anonymous]

I think it's great for kids this age to meet up at a "third" location, such as the teen room at the public library or a coffee shop. It builds their independence and teaches them things without us hovering.

This is a good idea. There is a gaming shop (board, not video) that hosts volunteer-led events - they would both probably like that.

[Anonymous]

Op your don probably has a higher need for play dates than this kid, so you really are getting a be for you aren’t acknowledging. The other boy might be neutral or equally happy with one play date per semester but also fine to go if invited. My guess is your son bugs you if you don’t have a bust playdate schedule and that’s your burden, not the other families.

My son likes seeing his friend, but honestly, is ok just spending time with his own brother. But of course, his brother can't be his only friend. Often, the friend's mom will ask me if the kids can get together - but then always asks if they can come to my place or asks me where I think they should go if I can drive them somewhere (public transportation is not good where we live).
I think the issue is two things:
1. Her being pushy and putting it on me to either come up with an idea, host, or drive the kids - which can be handled me by not agreeing to do this all of the time, only sometimes.
2. My son objectively wanting more friends (so he says), but not really being willing to put in the effort, and me feeling sad about that - which has nothing to do with this family, but is probably increasing my negative feelings.

[Anonymous]

Find a way to separate your need for reciprocation from your kid's need for a friend.

SN kids can have a hard time making and keeping friends.

[Anonymous]

Find a way to separate your need for reciprocation from your kid's need for a friend.

But based on what OP is saying, these issues are connected to her. She's not saying she wants them to host to get Larlo and Billy out of her house to give her a break, she wants them to host so that her son gets invited someplace by a friend.