How do you raise well mannered and polite children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do "gentle parenting". Teach obedience. Underrated skill these days.

Model politeness yourself (don't snap at wait staff, say please and thank you, etc.).

Nip interrupting habits in the bud. We started teaching our child not to interrupt at 2. It is still a work in progress but we do not tolerate it.

I promise that your kid will one day either run away or completely rebel against everything you teach them. It’s a story as old as time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's 100 percent the parenting.

Poorly behaved children always have terrible parents.
Horrible begets horrible

Meh.

Some of us lucked out.

My parents did too. Well, mostly. They got 4 out 5. I was a terror, but I had undiagnosed medical issues that contributed to me being angry all the time.

[Anonymous]

Children learn what they observe as much as what they are taught. If they don't, you correct them in a well mannered and polite way -- even that interaction matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's 100 percent the parenting.

Poorly behaved children always have terrible parents.
Horrible begets horrible

Meh.

Some of us lucked out.

My parents did too. Well, mostly. They got 4 out 5. I was a terror, but I had undiagnosed medical issues that contributed to me being angry all the time.

This is true. It is never 100% parenting. In fact, for most kids you are fine with parenting by instinct or Parenting 101. For more than a few kids, parenting requires a few PhDs and a lot of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People compliment my children's manners all the time. They are kind and well mannered. We raised them by good example. We never hit our kids. If they were out of line, they got time out but also we explained why and made them aware of other people's feelings and perspectives.

Every rude kid was trained by a rude parent.

NP.

Yes, but I had a debilitating head injury that changed my personality for a year. I was not my best. Now that the brain swelling has subsided, I have rude children. Can you be less judgemental and more specifically helpful?

I’ve gotten professional help and getting back from a bad place is *very* difficult. I imagine that other parents who may have had a very stressful home life during covid could be in the same situation.

[Anonymous]

I’m exceedingly polite, and model it, and my kid is polite to others but a rude princess with me . So I don’t think being polite is a magic bullet for parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m exceedingly polite, and model it, and my kid is polite to others but a rude princess with me . So I don’t think being polite is a magic bullet for parents.

This! I'm super polite and my kid has great manners with other people. Still stuff to work on (she tends to monologue a bit and can be an overshare, though it comes from just being gregarious) but she is never rude or unkind to others.

But with me? She can be downright awful. And I don't just put up with it -- I insist on pleases and thank yous and don't allow her to order me around or make rude noises at me. There are always consequences for her rude behavior. But it persists.

The books say she takes it out on me because she's working so hard to have manners at school and around others. Brutal if true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m exceedingly polite, and model it, and my kid is polite to others but a rude princess with me . So I don’t think being polite is a magic bullet for parents.

This! I'm super polite and my kid has great manners with other people. Still stuff to work on (she tends to monologue a bit and can be an overshare, though it comes from just being gregarious) but she is never rude or unkind to others.

But with me? She can be downright awful. And I don't just put up with it -- I insist on pleases and thank yous and don't allow her to order me around or make rude noises at me. There are always consequences for her rude behavior. But it persists.

The books say she takes it out on me because she's working so hard to have manners at school and around others. Brutal if true!

I’ll take this one step further. She’s been taught to be so polite that she doesn’t feel like she can let her real feelings show. She can be a doormat sometimes. She needs to learn to talk through her feelings with you and with others. Validate and don’t judge them.

She takes it out on you because that’s what kids do. The amount she takes it out on you shouldn’t be so much.

(I’m not disagreeing with you that modeling politeness isn’t the correct path, some kids just twist it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People compliment my children's manners all the time. They are kind and well mannered. We raised them by good example. We never hit our kids. If they were out of line, they got time out but also we explained why and made them aware of other people's feelings and perspectives.

Every rude kid was trained by a rude parent.

Ahh got it. So autistic children who others see as “rude” are that way because their “rude” parents trained them to be that way. Makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like tips on this as well.

My kid is actually pretty polite to other people but has recently become quite rude to us at home. I thought we were doing very well but obviously we've gone wrong somewhere because some of the behavior is quite bad. We don't tolerate it -- there are always consequences. Sometimes the consequences just provoke more rudeness though. She is 6.

This is also seeping into behavior towards others, however. While she is still very polite to people's faces, recently she threw a huge fit when I said we needed to write a thank you note for a gift a friend had sent. Just a few months ago this would have been a non-issue -- she is proud of her writing and loves sending/receiving mail, so this has never been a challenge in the 2-3 years that we've been doing it.

I am at a loss. I've been reading books on teaching children manners and dealing with rudeness in early elementary, but many of them focus on kids who never had these skills. For us it is a mystery because she's always been pretty mild-mannered and polite, helpful and kind at home. But lately she rolls her eyes at us, refuses to do basic things like clear her plate from the table, orders us around, or when she's really mad, says she hates us or wants us to die. I do not understand what has happened.

For what it's worth, we are always polite and respectful towards her, which I felt was a good way to teach manners and seemed to be working until recently.

How's her sleep? My normally well-behaved kids get really snippy when they're tired.

Also, how much screen time does she get?

Very little screen time. Like maybe 2 hours of TV time a week, no tablets.

Sleep has always been tricky with her. She struggles to fall asleep at night and I do think sometimes being overtired exacerbates this year issue. But it's been going on long enough (around 5 months) that I don't think it can just be that.

Have you tried talking to her about her feelings in general, not when there’s an incident? Sometimes anxiety manifests at this age and looks like moodiness and defiance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do "gentle parenting". Teach obedience. Underrated skill these days.

Model politeness yourself (don't snap at wait staff, say please and thank you, etc.).

Nip interrupting habits in the bud. We started teaching our child not to interrupt at 2. It is still a work in progress but we do not tolerate it.

I promise that your kid will one day either run away or completely rebel against everything you teach them. It’s a story as old as time.

I parent the way my parents did and I am very close with them. Not everything needs to be a Lifetime movie. We're not overly strict, we just have some bare minimum standards about respect for others.

[Anonymous]

I'm strict, I model it and like other posters I constantly get on them about tone/acting well in public.

It is just sometime I'm always on them about. And I'm a fun mom! I do a lot of fun things! I am not like, a no fun mom who is always yelling at them. I am very loving! But bad behavior gets them in trouble. No natural consequences or trying to gently explain things. Just 'that's a mean thing to say and its hurting the people around you, if you don't stop then we will leave'. And then you have to actually leave. But you do that once or twice and then the threat is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People compliment my children's manners all the time. They are kind and well mannered. We raised them by good example. We never hit our kids. If they were out of line, they got time out but also we explained why and made them aware of other people's feelings and perspectives.

Every rude kid was trained by a rude parent.

Ahh got it. So autistic children who others see as “rude” are that way because their “rude” parents trained them to be that way. Makes sense.

Sorry but some kids just need more intensive parenting. Some kids need explicit instruction and rules for how to not be seen as rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do "gentle parenting". Teach obedience. Underrated skill these days.

Model politeness yourself (don't snap at wait staff, say please and thank you, etc.).

Nip interrupting habits in the bud. We started teaching our child not to interrupt at 2. It is still a work in progress but we do not tolerate it.

I promise that your kid will one day either run away or completely rebel against everything you teach them. It’s a story as old as time.

Oh really? Most kids I see who have nice manners have parents who instilled it in them. It doesn’t mean they’re kept on a short leash. It just means they’re taught to be kind to people, address adults appropriately, say please and thank you, make conversation, hold the door open, make eye contact and smile. It’s not difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People compliment my children's manners all the time. They are kind and well mannered. We raised them by good example. We never hit our kids. If they were out of line, they got time out but also we explained why and made them aware of other people's feelings and perspectives.

Every rude kid was trained by a rude parent.

Ahh got it. So autistic children who others see as “rude” are that way because their “rude” parents trained them to be that way. Makes sense.

Sorry but some kids just need more intensive parenting. Some kids need explicit instruction and rules for how to not be seen as rude.

DP.

Intensive parenting by its very nature should take longer to accomplish. And while they are in the process, you are concluding that the parents of these challenging children are rude.

You can always admit that your arguments were very general and that there are exceptions. It's much better than piling on rubbish on rubbish.