How do you raise well mannered and polite children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in Kuwait visiting family and I am pleased with how well mannered and polite the Kuwaiti teens and children are. I wonder how one would instill such nice manners in children.

Are you well mannered and polite? Children learn from parents .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For starters, don't give a kid what they want when they're demanding something. I require a nice tone and the word please before giving it to them. Sometimes my kids have to try multiple times.

"give me the ketchup", -no, try again.
(Irritated)"give me the ketchup please"- no, try again.
(Nice tone),"can you please give me the ketchup" - yes, here it is.

At my table we say. "please pass the ketchup" and say " thank you" when passed to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like tips on this as well.

My kid is actually pretty polite to other people but has recently become quite rude to us at home. I thought we were doing very well but obviously we've gone wrong somewhere because some of the behavior is quite bad. We don't tolerate it -- there are always consequences. Sometimes the consequences just provoke more rudeness though. She is 6.

This is also seeping into behavior towards others, however. While she is still very polite to people's faces, recently she threw a huge fit when I said we needed to write a thank you note for a gift a friend had sent. Just a few months ago this would have been a non-issue -- she is proud of her writing and loves sending/receiving mail, so this has never been a challenge in the 2-3 years that we've been doing it.

I am at a loss. I've been reading books on teaching children manners and dealing with rudeness in early elementary, but many of them focus on kids who never had these skills. For us it is a mystery because she's always been pretty mild-mannered and polite, helpful and kind at home. But lately she rolls her eyes at us, refuses to do basic things like clear her plate from the table, orders us around, or when she's really mad, says she hates us or wants us to die. I do not understand what has happened.

For what it's worth, we are always polite and respectful towards her, which I felt was a good way to teach manners and seemed to be working until recently.

How's her sleep? My normally well-behaved kids get really snippy when they're tired.

Also, how much screen time does she get?

Very little screen time. Like maybe 2 hours of TV time a week, no tablets.

Sleep has always been tricky with her. She struggles to fall asleep at night and I do think sometimes being overtired exacerbates this year issue. But it's been going on long enough (around 5 months) that I don't think it can just be that.

[Anonymous]

My kids are both genuinely kind and polite, but since they’re both shy/a little socially awkward, we have to remind them to look people in the eye, to say thank you for rides, to say “excuse me” before interrupting a conversation, etc. I will say that impeccable manners don’t always equal kind-hearted kids, though. The ones who are the most polished with adults are sometimes the smarmiest/meanest/most cutthroat when no one’s looking.

[Anonymous]

I agree that manners are totally separate from empathy and other traits you want your kid to have. However, I still think they are worth instilling. One of my kids has ADHD and impulse control issues and beautiful manners (please, thank you, yes please and no thank you those sorts of things) because they are just habit now. I do ask my kids to rephrase if they demand things and remind them to say please and thank you to others but it’s not a big deal.

Now remembering not to interrupt, that is much harder….

With all that said they eventually notice their peers don’t use great manners but mine are still young enough to enjoy it when people praise their manners. I hope it keeps up. I’m kind of shocked how some kids speak to their parents, not when they are angry but just their typical interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have extremely polite teens and get told this.

Model it always. This is #1.

Remind them constantly. You will feel you are saying it 1000 times. If they don’t do it remind them every single time you are with them even if it’s just your family.

Be specific about when to say it and how to say it. When mrs Smith drops you off, thank her for the ride. Afterward…did you thank Mrs Smith for the ride?

I came here to say this. Model it.

[Anonymous]

Today at the grocery store there were two elementary school-aged brothers screaming at each other, throwing things, and just being awful. I wondered where a parent or some adult in charge was, and then I heard their mom yelling behind me, from about 20 feet away from her boys: "STOP SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER NOW!!!!! BE QUIET!!!!! YOU ARE TERRIBLE!!!! I'VE TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE AND LOOK YOU ARE PROVING IT TO EVERYONE IN THIS STORE!!!!!"

They ignored her, and she just walked away to go look for shredded cheese or whatever and just let them keep destroying the store and fighting with each other for another 10 minutes before she dragged them to checkout.

So...yeah. The behavior you model and enforce is the behavior you get back.

[Anonymous]

It’s a societal norm. Being polite is a big deal in most countries outside the US.

[Anonymous]

Model it. Be polite TO THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like tips on this as well.

My kid is actually pretty polite to other people but has recently become quite rude to us at home. I thought we were doing very well but obviously we've gone wrong somewhere because some of the behavior is quite bad. We don't tolerate it -- there are always consequences. Sometimes the consequences just provoke more rudeness though. She is 6.

This is also seeping into behavior towards others, however. While she is still very polite to people's faces, recently she threw a huge fit when I said we needed to write a thank you note for a gift a friend had sent. Just a few months ago this would have been a non-issue -- she is proud of her writing and loves sending/receiving mail, so this has never been a challenge in the 2-3 years that we've been doing it.

I am at a loss. I've been reading books on teaching children manners and dealing with rudeness in early elementary, but many of them focus on kids who never had these skills. For us it is a mystery because she's always been pretty mild-mannered and polite, helpful and kind at home. But lately she rolls her eyes at us, refuses to do basic things like clear her plate from the table, orders us around, or when she's really mad, says she hates us or wants us to die. I do not understand what has happened.

For what it's worth, we are always polite and respectful towards her, which I felt was a good way to teach manners and seemed to be working until recently.

How's her sleep? My normally well-behaved kids get really snippy when they're tired.

Also, how much screen time does she get?

What does screen time have to do with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in Kuwait visiting family and I am pleased with how well mannered and polite the Kuwaiti teens and children are. I wonder how one would instill such nice manners in children.

By being good example by behaving in polite manner to them. If you are polite to others but rude and authoritarian to kids, it won't help much.

[Anonymous]

Don't do "gentle parenting". Teach obedience. Underrated skill these days.

Model politeness yourself (don't snap at wait staff, say please and thank you, etc.).

Nip interrupting habits in the bud. We started teaching our child not to interrupt at 2. It is still a work in progress but we do not tolerate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extra curricular faith based education. Kids are taught to honor their mother and father for example.

Actually these are some of the worst behaved kids I've seen. DD attends an episcopal school with extracurriculars and some of these kids are rude to their parents, beg their parents to buy them things, talk like babies, and are snobby. This is MS. We're moving to a different HS.

[Anonymous]

It helps to be well mannered and polite yourself.

The biggest things I notice (when they’re not done) are saying thank you and holding the door for the person behind you. Although I also have a pet peeve of holding the door open for the next person to catch and then they just walk through like I’m a doorman or something, so teach your kids not to do that either!

[Anonymous]

It's 100 percent the parenting.

Poorly behaved children always have terrible parents.
Horrible begets horrible