Do you care what other parents look like?

[Anonymous]

I don’t care what other parents look like, but more because I don’t try very hard to be friends with them. I’m a fat mom with a big job. I don’t hang with the SAHMs that do Pilates and play tennis, because I have nothing in common with them. They talk about their jewelry making business and vacations. They make cookies with each team members name in icing. I have no interest in this at all. They are all fit and pretty, but I can’t stand being with them for any period of time.

My kids play sports and I tend to hang with the dads. My job is more in line with theirs and I know more than most moms about sports.

[Anonymous]

I’ve noticed that a lot of friend groups look similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only care when the parent talks about it. I’m new to our neighborhood and one mom regularly talks about needing to lose weight referring to it as her Covid pounds. I am not her bestie or doc so it’s uncomfortable when she keeps bringing it up.

She probably brings it up because she doesn't want you to think she's normally fat because you wouldn't want to be her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in sports.

There just aren’t a lot of fat parents.

In fact, I think my husband is the biggest guy out of all the dads. He definitely notices. I can’t imagine it’s any easier for the overweight moms.

OP here. My kids also play a lot of sports. Tennis is our main sport.

Tennis is a rich people leisure sport, it's not a real sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care what other parents look like, but more because I don’t try very hard to be friends with them. I’m a fat mom with a big job. I don’t hang with the SAHMs that do Pilates and play tennis, because I have nothing in common with them. They talk about their jewelry making business and vacations. They make cookies with each team members name in icing. I have no interest in this at all. They are all fit and pretty, but I can’t stand being with them for any period of time.

My kids play sports and I tend to hang with the dads. My job is more in line with theirs and I know more than most moms about sports.

I am a SAHM and actively avoid these types as well. In fact, if I return to work, it will be to simply provide me with access to normal people as friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care what other parents look like, but more because I don’t try very hard to be friends with them. I’m a fat mom with a big job. I don’t hang with the SAHMs that do Pilates and play tennis, because I have nothing in common with them. They talk about their jewelry making business and vacations. They make cookies with each team members name in icing. I have no interest in this at all. They are all fit and pretty, but I can’t stand being with them for any period of time.

My kids play sports and I tend to hang with the dads. My job is more in line with theirs and I know more than most moms about sports.

Play this back in your head and think about whether you want to be this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t believe your DH said this. You sound shallow.

He absolutely did say this and I was offended that it seemed like he was saying I was shallow. Then he said everyone does this and consciously or subconsciously is drawn to more physically attractive people.

The conversation started because we went to a party and I saw a mom I have known for years. We have many friends in common but we were never friends. DH said I probably don’t like her because she is ugly. I thought Dh was shallow and offended he thought that way of me.

You're upset because you realize he is correct. I know people like you.

-fat mom

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in sports.

There just aren’t a lot of fat parents.

In fact, I think my husband is the biggest guy out of all the dads. He definitely notices. I can’t imagine it’s any easier for the overweight moms.

OP here. My kids also play a lot of sports. Tennis is our main sport.

Tennis is a rich people leisure sport, it's not a real sport.

Tell that to the Williams sisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one friend who is obese. All my other friends have normal bodies. A couple are very pretty. All my friends say I am always the prettiest and have all said so multiple times.

All my moms friends are slim though I am not sure they are all beautiful. My obese friend is an old friend from grad school. I love her and she is one of the few people I can really be myself with. She was not always this big and multiple health issues have brought about a large weight gain. I don’t think she cares at all that I am pretty and fit.

6/10 I LOLed.

[Anonymous]

I’m good looking and was athletic - not thin but very toned with a good figure. I had a hard time going through divorce and COVID and have gained 50 pounds. I don’t know know if the thin moms avoid me but they definitely haven’t made an effort to be friendly and it wasn’t like that before. I usually initiate taking to new people at school stuff.

I’m not jealous, l know keeping thin and healthy is hard work and l haven’t been doing it - I’ve been in survival mode. This is a me thing, my only competition is myself. I hate that so many thin people on here say all the fat people are jealous. We’re not all the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one friend who is obese. All my other friends have normal bodies. A couple are very pretty. All my friends say I am always the prettiest and have all said so multiple times.

All my moms friends are slim though I am not sure they are all beautiful. My obese friend is an old friend from grad school. I love her and she is one of the few people I can really be myself with. She was not always this big and multiple health issues have brought about a large weight gain. I don’t think she cares at all that I am pretty and fit.

WTAF

[Anonymous]

This is all more complicated than it seems people realize. People self select for all sorts of reasons they may or may not be aware of. If someone is really into cooking healthy and being fit, they are likely to have more to talk about with other people with similar interests. That's the simplified explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care what other parents look like, but more because I don’t try very hard to be friends with them. I’m a fat mom with a big job. I don’t hang with the SAHMs that do Pilates and play tennis, because I have nothing in common with them. They talk about their jewelry making business and vacations. They make cookies with each team members name in icing. I have no interest in this at all. They are all fit and pretty, but I can’t stand being with them for any period of time.

My kids play sports and I tend to hang with the dads. My job is more in line with theirs and I know more than most moms about sports.

Play this back in your head and think about whether you want to be this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, correction: You are NOT actively excluding women like me from your group, you just DON'T SEE US.

That's the implicit bias that your husband is talking about.

I have to agree with this. I was somewhat friends with someone like this in my early 20s. She was nice and wasn't purposefully excluding people who weren't thin and pretty, I just don't think she noticed people who weren't and just didn't make the effort to get to know anyone who didn't fit in that mold. She wasn't overtly mean or shallow.

Perhaps. But there are other reasons too. Like it or not, there are certain circumstances that are usually involved with being overweight, and these don't correlate well with putting in the effort to maintain several friendships.

I am fat, and I have one fat friend from college. All my mom friends are thin. They would be prettier too if they were younger ( I had my first kid in my twenties so almost always the youngest mom in any group in my neighborhood).

Generally, you are fat for one of very few reasons: you either lack discipline or you are not well, or you have some very stressful and time consuming commitment that you don’t make time for yourself.

My fat friend works a million hours a week at a very stressful job. I probably have undiagnosed ADHD and mild ASD.

People who are disciplined, healthy and less stressed tend to put more effort in most areas of their lives than people who are not one of these. They tend to have more time and capacity to stay thin and fit etc. They tend to have more time and capacity to prioritize and maintain friendships.

I am an outlier because I come from a very social culture so even with my undiagnosed problems, friendships are a major priority.

I'm thin and lazy and this comment is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tend to avoid pretty parents who are pretty in that particular manicured way that means they work hard at it. A combination of assuming they won’t want to talk to me and lingering middle school life lessons. If they go out of their way to talk to me, I’ll definitely still be friendly but I’m more likely to strike up a conversation with an un-made-up, slightly schlubby looking mom on the playground.

Forgot to add: my friends range from borderline underweight to overweight. I don’t think any of them are obese but it’s never come up in conversation and it’s not like I can tell someone’s BMI by looking at them. I feel like this is only tangentially related to how conventionally pretty they are.

That's a bit backwards. BMI is an extremely loose approximation for estimating obesity or underweight without actually looking at someone. Looking at someone is the simple easy way to see if someone is obese.