Husband gets angry when I’m sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is clear that he's not someone you should stay married to. Has he always been unsupportive? If you do have a kid, what do you think this would look like? Maybe look at the silver lining and get out before you try to keep having kids with him.

Lol, the DCUM harpies can't bear to see anyone in any condition other than their own single and bitter state.

Yes, OP, you should divorce immediately.

I think OP should divorce so her husband can find someone who knows what it means to make decisions together without coming back and blaming one person when things don't work out as planned.

I have a friend( lawyer) who became SAHM after her DH convinced her to do so so he can focus on his business. He had these big tech dreams and while she was reluctant, she accepted. 15 years later the business crumbled after a partner embezzled so much from it and the tech ideas were not that great.

My friend started talking about " I can't believe Jack made me stay at home. He messed up."

I shut her down really quick, especially after her everyone told her not to stay home ( including me, a fellow SAHM).

Women are adults who can agree or disagree to decisions. You don't get to come back when things go South and blame others. I know countless women who waited to have children and they are very glad they did. It's crazy that it's now OP's DH's fault because things did not work out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is clear that he's not someone you should stay married to. Has he always been unsupportive? If you do have a kid, what do you think this would look like? Maybe look at the silver lining and get out before you try to keep having kids with him.

Lol, the DCUM harpies can't bear to see anyone in any condition other than their own single and bitter state.

Yes, OP, you should divorce immediately.

I think OP should divorce so her husband can find someone who knows what it means to make decisions together without coming back and blaming one person when things don't work out as planned.

I have a friend( lawyer) who became SAHM after her DH convinced her to do so so he can focus on his business. He had these big tech dreams and while she was reluctant, she accepted. 15 years later the business crumbled after a partner embezzled so much from it and the tech ideas were not that great.

My friend started talking about " I can't believe Jack made me stay at home. He messed up."

I shut her down really quick, especially after her everyone told her not to stay home ( including me, a fellow SAHM).

Women are adults who can agree or disagree to decisions. You don't get to come back when things go South and blame others. I know countless women who waited to have children and they are very glad they did. It's crazy that it's now OP's DH's fault because things did not work out

You are way off base. What was OP supposed to do, force him to get pregnant? Lie about birth control? Leave him and start over looking for a new partner? She had no options that would put her in a better position. He bait and switched.

And by the way, hew crying, anger are completely normal. For a woman, especially one who wants children so much, this is one of the greatest losses of her life.

[Anonymous]

He’s not sympathetic to you because you’re not just crying and sad. You’re obviously very angry at him and blaming him for the situation—a sad, stressful situation that both of you are in that is no one’s fault. That’s probably the mental problem to which he referred.

Even if he had agreed to have children the instant you originally wanted to, you might have faced the same infertility problems. They can happen to anyone, just randomly. Also, he wanted to delay having children and you agreed to it. As an adult you have to own your choices. You had choices—you were not forced to do anything.

Infertility is obviously very painful and sad and having gone through problems I understand the strong feelings involved. But this is a problem that affects *both* of you. You seem oblivious to the fact that he also is hurting and might need comforting in some way.

Instead you’re just blaming him and angry at him. It’s like you’re determined to see him as this horrible horrible person, who not only endangered your chance to have children but now won’t even comfort you as you cry! Do you seriously think he is some monster like that? If so, why do you even want to have children with him? And if not, why are you treating him like this?

If he’s a basically decent guy, facing you weeping but also full of anger and blame, of course he’s not going to be sympathetic to you. To do so would be to sort of to agree with your feelings that he is to blame.

The two of you were in a crappy situation and he probably is sad and wishes that you guys could come together at this time and support each other and work towards solving the problem. That’s not going happen if you see this is as his fault, Rather than just something sad that sometimes happens to people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s not sympathetic to you because you’re not just crying and sad. You’re obviously very angry at him and blaming him for the situation—a sad, stressful situation that both of you are in that is no one’s fault. That’s probably the mental problem to which he referred.

Even if he had agreed to have children the instant you originally wanted to, you might have faced the same infertility problems. They can happen to anyone, just randomly. Also, he wanted to delay having children and you agreed to it. As an adult you have to own your choices. You had choices—you were not forced to do anything.

Infertility is obviously very painful and sad and having gone through problems I understand the strong feelings involved. But this is a problem that affects *both* of you. You seem oblivious to the fact that he also is hurting and might need comforting in some way.

Instead you’re just blaming him and angry at him. It’s like you’re determined to see him as this horrible horrible person, who not only endangered your chance to have children but now won’t even comfort you as you cry! Do you seriously think he is some monster like that? If so, why do you even want to have children with him? And if not, why are you treating him like this?

If he’s a basically decent guy, facing you weeping but also full of anger and blame, of course he’s not going to be sympathetic to you. To do so would be to sort of to agree with your feelings that he is to blame.

The two of you were in a crappy situation and he probably is sad and wishes that you guys could come together at this time and support each other and work towards solving the problem. That’s not going happen if you see this is as his fault, Rather than just something sad that sometimes happens to people.

OP’s crying is an authentic and healthy way to express grief during a major life crisis. Emotions are healthy, they orient us to where we are in life. Stuffing emotions down so as not to make a spouse uncomfortable is TOXIC. OP is doing nothing wrong. Perhaps her husband should learn to be more vulnerable, genuine and communicate more openly, rather than force his partner to suppress it all. That will help strengthen their relationship.

The only thing OP needs to change is to stop the blame game. Anger is normal, blame is destructive in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is clear that he's not someone you should stay married to. Has he always been unsupportive? If you do have a kid, what do you think this would look like? Maybe look at the silver lining and get out before you try to keep having kids with him.

Lol, the DCUM harpies can't bear to see anyone in any condition other than their own single and bitter state.

Yes, OP, you should divorce immediately.

I think OP should divorce so her husband can find someone who knows what it means to make decisions together without coming back and blaming one person when things don't work out as planned.

I have a friend( lawyer) who became SAHM after her DH convinced her to do so so he can focus on his business. He had these big tech dreams and while she was reluctant, she accepted. 15 years later the business crumbled after a partner embezzled so much from it and the tech ideas were not that great.

My friend started talking about " I can't believe Jack made me stay at home. He messed up."

I shut her down really quick, especially after her everyone told her not to stay home ( including me, a fellow SAHM).

Women are adults who can agree or disagree to decisions. You don't get to come back when things go South and blame others. I know countless women who waited to have children and they are very glad they did. It's crazy that it's now OP's DH's fault because things did not work out

You are way off base. What was OP supposed to do, force him to get pregnant? Lie about birth control? Leave him and start over looking for a new partner? She had no options that would put her in a better position. He bait and switched.

And by the way, hew crying, anger are completely normal. For a woman, especially one who wants children so much, this is one of the greatest losses of her life.

Yes, you leave.

How I'd leaving any different from dating a boyfriend for 2 years and then finding out he I'd not the one ?

You marry someone and discover a year in that they changed their minds on something this important, you can choose to leave. You don't stay hoping things will workout only to put all the blame on the other person when they don't.

There are people who divorce within the first few years of marriage and marry again. There are others who become single mothers. If she did not want to take these options, she agreed with her DH. It's called compromise. It happens a lot in marriage.

If you get resentful for compromising a lot, you go see a therapist. Or you get a divorce. I bet she'd still happily have a child with him. It's all good as long as the baby comes, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you do seem kind of annoying so maybe he's a little fed up having to deal with you.

Wow. Gunning for the DCUM GlassBowl of the Week award?

[/b]OP, my spouse doesn't deal with tears well, either. (We're both women, FYI.) She gets angry, because angry is how she expresses hurt, and seeing me cry hurts her. Which becomes her berating me, which doesn't help. We call it "spiraling" -- been together 30 years. We know it when we see it, but it's still hard.

My tip -- don't take his reaction personally, if you can. Ask for what you need. "Honestly, I just need you to hold my hand and tell me we're in this together. I'm sad and I'm scared and when you pull away, I just feel alone."

+1 This is sensible advice, but candidly, I think most people feel helpless and then shortly thereafter, irritated at someone crying. [b]It’s only in movies that crying elicits intense tenderness and solicitude. The same goes for any perceived weakness including illness- empathy has its limits.

Not for my husband. He's sad for me when I'm sad. I agree that empathy has its limits and if I did it all the time it would be a different matter, but he does support me when I'm sad. This is one of the big reasons I married him. I was sad about a work failure and he put his arms around me. I asked him if I could cry on his shoulder and he said "I would love it."

The except is when I'm sad about something *he* has done. It took a decent amount of therapy for him to not get mad about that. It doesn't happen often but when it does he doesn't get defensive anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is clear that he's not someone you should stay married to. Has he always been unsupportive? If you do have a kid, what do you think this would look like? Maybe look at the silver lining and get out before you try to keep having kids with him.

Lol, the DCUM harpies can't bear to see anyone in any condition other than their own single and bitter state.

Yes, OP, you should divorce immediately.

I think OP should divorce so her husband can find someone who knows what it means to make decisions together without coming back and blaming one person when things don't work out as planned.

I have a friend( lawyer) who became SAHM after her DH convinced her to do so so he can focus on his business. He had these big tech dreams and while she was reluctant, she accepted. 15 years later the business crumbled after a partner embezzled so much from it and the tech ideas were not that great.

My friend started talking about " I can't believe Jack made me stay at home. He messed up."

I shut her down really quick, especially after her everyone told her not to stay home ( including me, a fellow SAHM).

Women are adults who can agree or disagree to decisions. You don't get to come back when things go South and blame others. I know countless women who waited to have children and they are very glad they did. It's crazy that it's now OP's DH's fault because things did not work out

You are way off base. What was OP supposed to do, force him to get pregnant? Lie about birth control? Leave him and start over looking for a new partner? She had no options that would put her in a better position. He bait and switched.

And by the way, hew crying, anger are completely normal. For a woman, especially one who wants children so much, this is one of the greatest losses of her life.

Yes, you leave.

How I'd leaving any different from dating a boyfriend for 2 years and then finding out he I'd not the one ?

You marry someone and discover a year in that they changed their minds on something this important, you can choose to leave. You don't stay hoping things will workout only to put all the blame on the other person when they don't.

There are people who divorce within the first few years of marriage and marry again. There are others who become single mothers. If she did not want to take these options, she agreed with her DH. It's called compromise. It happens a lot in marriage.

If you get resentful for compromising a lot, you go see a therapist. Or you get a divorce. I bet she'd still happily have a child with him. It's all good as long as the baby comes, right?

Her leaving would make having a child even more untenable. Very difficult to meet, marry, and get pregnant right away with a new partner. She is not trading in a car.

He absolutely misled her, wether intentionally or not. Her being angry at him and her own self is a completely normal emotion in this situation. Not productive but totally normal. And yes you can be angry with someone and still love them. Life is not black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was upset about something today and crying my eyes out. He didn’t even give me a hug or sooth me. He stood there reprimanding me for being so emotional and saying that it’s too much for him.

How often do you get upset and cry your eyes out?
What was it over?

Not very often. Infertility.

Define "not very often." I cry once every couple of years, and consider that "not very often."

Does it matter?? The frequency of crying is irrelevant to this discussion (NP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is clear that he's not someone you should stay married to. Has he always been unsupportive? If you do have a kid, what do you think this would look like? Maybe look at the silver lining and get out before you try to keep having kids with him.

Lol, the DCUM harpies can't bear to see anyone in any condition other than their own single and bitter state.

Yes, OP, you should divorce immediately.

I think OP should divorce so her husband can find someone who knows what it means to make decisions together without coming back and blaming one person when things don't work out as planned.

I have a friend( lawyer) who became SAHM after her DH convinced her to do so so he can focus on his business. He had these big tech dreams and while she was reluctant, she accepted. 15 years later the business crumbled after a partner embezzled so much from it and the tech ideas were not that great.

My friend started talking about " I can't believe Jack made me stay at home. He messed up."

I shut her down really quick, especially after her everyone told her not to stay home ( including me, a fellow SAHM).

Women are adults who can agree or disagree to decisions. You don't get to come back when things go South and blame others. I know countless women who waited to have children and they are very glad they did. It's crazy that it's now OP's DH's fault because things did not work out

You are way off base. What was OP supposed to do, force him to get pregnant? Lie about birth control? Leave him and start over looking for a new partner? She had no options that would put her in a better position. He bait and switched.

And by the way, hew crying, anger are completely normal. For a woman, especially one who wants children so much, this is one of the greatest losses of her life.

Yes, you leave.

How I'd leaving any different from dating a boyfriend for 2 years and then finding out he I'd not the one ?

You marry someone and discover a year in that they changed their minds on something this important, you can choose to leave. You don't stay hoping things will workout only to put all the blame on the other person when they don't.

There are people who divorce within the first few years of marriage and marry again. There are others who become single mothers. If she did not want to take these options, she agreed with her DH. It's called compromise. It happens a lot in marriage.

If you get resentful for compromising a lot, you go see a therapist. Or you get a divorce. I bet she'd still happily have a child with him. It's all good as long as the baby comes, right?

Her leaving would make having a child even more untenable. Very difficult to meet, marry, and get pregnant right away with a new partner. She is not trading in a car.

He absolutely misled her, wether intentionally or not. Her being angry at him and her own self is a completely normal emotion in this situation. Not productive but totally normal. And yes you can be angry with someone and still love them. Life is not black and white.

People change their minds all the time.

And his reaction to her anger and crying while blaming him is completely normal. No one wants to be blamed for a decision that was made as a team.

You can also divorce someone you love...

And there are sperm banks, so having children on your own is very tenable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is clear that he's not someone you should stay married to. Has he always been unsupportive? If you do have a kid, what do you think this would look like? Maybe look at the silver lining and get out before you try to keep having kids with him.

Lol, the DCUM harpies can't bear to see anyone in any condition other than their own single and bitter state.

Yes, OP, you should divorce immediately.

I think OP should divorce so her husband can find someone who knows what it means to make decisions together without coming back and blaming one person when things don't work out as planned.

I have a friend( lawyer) who became SAHM after her DH convinced her to do so so he can focus on his business. He had these big tech dreams and while she was reluctant, she accepted. 15 years later the business crumbled after a partner embezzled so much from it and the tech ideas were not that great.

My friend started talking about " I can't believe Jack made me stay at home. He messed up."

I shut her down really quick, especially after her everyone told her not to stay home ( including me, a fellow SAHM).

Women are adults who can agree or disagree to decisions. You don't get to come back when things go South and blame others. I know countless women who waited to have children and they are very glad they did. It's crazy that it's now OP's DH's fault because things did not work out

You are way off base. What was OP supposed to do, force him to get pregnant? Lie about birth control? Leave him and start over looking for a new partner? She had no options that would put her in a better position. He bait and switched.

And by the way, hew crying, anger are completely normal. For a woman, especially one who wants children so much, this is one of the greatest losses of her life.

Yes, you leave.

How I'd leaving any different from dating a boyfriend for 2 years and then finding out he I'd not the one ?

You marry someone and discover a year in that they changed their minds on something this important, you can choose to leave. You don't stay hoping things will workout only to put all the blame on the other person when they don't.

There are people who divorce within the first few years of marriage and marry again. There are others who become single mothers. If she did not want to take these options, she agreed with her DH. It's called compromise. It happens a lot in marriage.

If you get resentful for compromising a lot, you go see a therapist. Or you get a divorce. I bet she'd still happily have a child with him. It's all good as long as the baby comes, right?

Her leaving would make having a child even more untenable. Very difficult to meet, marry, and get pregnant right away with a new partner. She is not trading in a car.

He absolutely misled her, wether intentionally or not. Her being angry at him and her own self is a completely normal emotion in this situation. Not productive but totally normal. And yes you can be angry with someone and still love them. Life is not black and white.

She misled him by pretending to be okay with the decision to wait. She is now doing a bait and switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too would have a hard time if my husband wanted me to hold his hand while he sobbed about his stresses while I drove. I would find it distracting and probably try to get him to stop crying in that scenario versus comforting him physically.

Wow. Y’all are really lacking in the empathy department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too would have a hard time if my husband wanted me to hold his hand while he sobbed about his stresses while I drove. I would find it distracting and probably try to get him to stop crying in that scenario versus comforting him physically.

Wow. Y’all are really lacking in the empathy department.

Where is OP's empathy towards her DH? This is a shared tragedy. Why is he supposed to put his own grieving process on hold to comfort her?

This is different from OP losing a parent. They are both grieving and anxious. Just because she is louder does not necessarily mean she is in more pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I was bawling my eyes out in the car and he did not even take my hand. He kept saying I should be thankful to have Ivf as an option and life isn’t fair and I have a mental problem and I’m making myself miserable,

Either you are not telling us the whole story or you should get a divorce. No one says you have a mental problem for crying over infertility. If he were that crazy you'd have a million other examples.

My bet is you are picking and choosing what to share with us.

If I am wrong, my apologies, and you are married to a crazy person.

This is OP. I have been sad about not having children for a few years now and we have had heated arguments as we delayed TTC as he was not ready financially/emotionally for a few years. The ongoing fertility struggles have made me feel bitter and angry.

FFS, just adopt. Start the process and you are in solution space.

Come on. Adoption is not for everyone and it is not at all the same journey as having your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I was bawling my eyes out in the car and he did not even take my hand. He kept saying I should be thankful to have Ivf as an option and life isn’t fair and I have a mental problem and I’m making myself miserable,

Either you are not telling us the whole story or you should get a divorce. No one says you have a mental problem for crying over infertility. If he were that crazy you'd have a million other examples.

My bet is you are picking and choosing what to share with us.

If I am wrong, my apologies, and you are married to a crazy person.

This is OP. I have been sad about not having children for a few years now and we have had heated arguments as we delayed TTC as he was not ready financially/emotionally for a few years. The ongoing fertility struggles have made me feel bitter and angry.

I bet when you wanted to try he said "we can just have kids later" and now that you can't, he says "we can just do IVF" and will be just as unsupportive when problems arise with that. Do you really want to be with this man?

Op here. I’m just so aghast because I never mislead him about wanting children. I was a nanny when we met!!! All I talked about was children!! He thought it was so cute! And then we got married and he said we were not in a position to have children and we wait. I don’t want to force a man to have children so I waited. Now we have been TTC for a year and my friends are all on their second babies and our younger siblings are having their firsts.

Everyone is having a a baby a few months after their wedding. My head spins as that’s what I deeply craved and was denied! And I stayed!! And I can’t stop bawling. And he is disregarding my feelings now just as he did back then.

Ok but OP if you weren’t ready financially that counts. You weren’t ready. That is both of your faults not just your DH. You’re the one who chose a low paying career as a nanny and then married someone whose career was not ready to support children on your timeline. I know this is painful, but you also sound quite immature. BOTH of your actions and decisions for you here not just his.

How old are you anyway? It’s entirely possible that you would have had issues no matter when you started trying. All of my infertile friends were infertile from a young age, like early to mid thirties, and some were for anatomic not hormonal reasons. They all went on to have children, some with surrogacy, donor eggs or IVF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce and do IVF with donor sperm. This man is a horrible emotionless selfish ass$&023.

Do you have a good job?

Are you crazy she is an unemployed former nanny. What you’re suggesting is like the worst thing she could possibly do to herself and a child.