Husband gets angry when I’m sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I was bawling my eyes out in the car and he did not even take my hand. He kept saying I should be thankful to have Ivf as an option and life isn’t fair and I have a mental problem and I’m making myself miserable,

Either you are not telling us the whole story or you should get a divorce. No one says you have a mental problem for crying over infertility. If he were that crazy you'd have a million other examples.

My bet is you are picking and choosing what to share with us.

If I am wrong, my apologies, and you are married to a crazy person.

This is OP. I have been sad about not having children for a few years now and we have had heated arguments as we delayed TTC as he was not ready financially/emotionally for a few years. The ongoing fertility struggles have made me feel bitter and angry.

I bet when you wanted to try he said "we can just have kids later" and now that you can't, he says "we can just do IVF" and will be just as unsupportive when problems arise with that. Do you really want to be with this man?

Op here. I’m just so aghast because I never mislead him about wanting children. I was a nanny when we met!!! All I talked about was children!! He thought it was so cute! And then we got married and he said we were not in a position to have children and we wait. I don’t want to force a man to have children so I waited. Now we have been TTC for a year and my friends are all on their second babies and our younger siblings are having their firsts.

Everyone is having a a baby a few months after their wedding. My head spins as that’s what I deeply craved and was denied! And I stayed!! And I can’t stop bawling. And he is disregarding my feelings now just as he did back then.

Ok but OP if you weren’t ready financially that counts. You weren’t ready. That is both of your faults not just your DH. You’re the one who chose a low paying career as a nanny and then married someone whose career was not ready to support children on your timeline. I know this is painful, but you also sound quite immature. BOTH of your actions and decisions for you here not just his.

How old are you anyway? It’s entirely possible that you would have had issues no matter when you started trying. All of my infertile friends were infertile from a young age, like early to mid thirties, and some were for anatomic not hormonal reasons. They all went on to have children, some with surrogacy, donor eggs or IVF.

+1.

I got married at 26 and started trying the month we got married. It took two years and 5 iuis to get a successful pregnancy.

My younger sister got married at 35 and had her first right after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I was bawling my eyes out in the car and he did not even take my hand. He kept saying I should be thankful to have Ivf as an option and life isn’t fair and I have a mental problem and I’m making myself miserable,

Either you are not telling us the whole story or you should get a divorce. No one says you have a mental problem for crying over infertility. If he were that crazy you'd have a million other examples.

My bet is you are picking and choosing what to share with us.

If I am wrong, my apologies, and you are married to a crazy person.

This is OP. I have been sad about not having children for a few years now and we have had heated arguments as we delayed TTC as he was not ready financially/emotionally for a few years. The ongoing fertility struggles have made me feel bitter and angry.

FFS, just adopt. Start the process and you are in solution space.

Come on. Adoption is not for everyone and it is not at all the same journey as having your own kids.

You make adopted children your own! That's what adoption is about. I hope you never adopt if you have that mentality.

[Anonymous]

Is this you OP?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1141854.page#25296799

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too would have a hard time if my husband wanted me to hold his hand while he sobbed about his stresses while I drove. I would find it distracting and probably try to get him to stop crying in that scenario versus comforting him physically.

Wow. Y’all are really lacking in the empathy department.

I wasn’t raised to be a damsel in distress. You’re right I cannot empathize with helplessness. If she was sad and wanted to talk about concrete solutions that would be another thing. Instead it sounds like she want someone to sit in the figurative dark and do nothing but be sad. I think that is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Are you the OP of the sister baby shower thread on the infertility forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too would have a hard time if my husband wanted me to hold his hand while he sobbed about his stresses while I drove. I would find it distracting and probably try to get him to stop crying in that scenario versus comforting him physically.

Wow. Y’all are really lacking in the empathy department.

I wasn’t raised to be a damsel in distress. You’re right I cannot empathize with helplessness. If she was sad and wanted to talk about concrete solutions that would be another thing. Instead it sounds like she want someone to sit in the figurative dark and do nothing but be sad. I think that is selfish.

Spoken like someone who hasn’t dealt with infertility. There’s nothing you can really do.

[Anonymous]

If he is telling you that you have mental issues, then he has no respect for you and it will only get worse after kids. Get out of the marriage now.

[Anonymous]

This also you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1094581.page

There is someone who posts frequently about her gnawing, deeply toxic envy that her friend have money and kids and she married an academic (but makes no money herself) and is just so full of bitterness while not accepting any responsibility for dealing with her feelings or choices. It’s very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This also you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1094581.page

There is someone who posts frequently about her gnawing, deeply toxic envy that her friend have money and kids and she married an academic (but makes no money herself) and is just so full of bitterness while not accepting any responsibility for dealing with her feelings or choices. It’s very sad.

I think there is more than one person TTC each year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is telling you that you have mental issues, then he has no respect for you and it will only get worse after kids. Get out of the marriage now.

Or....... OP has mental issues. Reading her posts makes me this she does. Not like diagnosable mental disease or defect. But she's the one carrying the anger, crying uncontrollably and frequently, and obsessed with TTC. Sounds like she's got some serious stuff going on that has nothing to do with her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is telling you that you have mental issues, then he has no respect for you and it will only get worse after kids. Get out of the marriage now.

Or....... OP has mental issues. Reading her posts makes me this she does. Not like diagnosable mental disease or defect. But she's the one carrying the anger, crying uncontrollably and frequently, and obsessed with TTC. Sounds like she's got some serious stuff going on that has nothing to do with her DH.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was upset about something today and crying my eyes out. He didn’t even give me a hug or sooth me. He stood there reprimanding me for being so emotional and saying that it’s too much for him.

How often do you get upset and cry your eyes out?
What was it over?

Not very often. Infertility.

Define "not very often." I cry once every couple of years, and consider that "not very often."

Does it matter?? The frequency of crying is irrelevant to this discussion (NP).

It matters a lot. If someone is crying all the damn time, I wouldn't care about it either -- empathy fatigue is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too would have a hard time if my husband wanted me to hold his hand while he sobbed about his stresses while I drove. I would find it distracting and probably try to get him to stop crying in that scenario versus comforting him physically.

Wow. Y’all are really lacking in the empathy department.

I wasn’t raised to be a damsel in distress. You’re right I cannot empathize with helplessness. If she was sad and wanted to talk about concrete solutions that would be another thing. Instead it sounds like she want someone to sit in the figurative dark and do nothing but be sad. I think that is selfish.

I grew up as a problem solver too, but it came to the point where even my engineer husband asked me to be just be still and listen and empathize and not solve. Over the last couple years, I have learned quite a lot about emotional validation as my teenage daughters grow.

Sometimes the answer is to just sit and listen. Sometime people think that this encounter negative emotions but I am learning it’s the opposite - if you don’t allow space for the emotion it becomes louder.

OP’ post is a little more complicated but generally your approach of shutting down feeling seems backwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This also you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1094581.page

There is someone who posts frequently about her gnawing, deeply toxic envy that her friend have money and kids and she married an academic (but makes no money herself) and is just so full of bitterness while not accepting any responsibility for dealing with her feelings or choices. It’s very sad.

I think there is more than one person TTC each year.

Who waited to TTC and now blames it on her DH. Sadly I do think it’s not an uncommon fact pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I was bawling my eyes out in the car and he did not even take my hand. He kept saying I should be thankful to have Ivf as an option and life isn’t fair and I have a mental problem and I’m making myself miserable,

Either you are not telling us the whole story or you should get a divorce. No one says you have a mental problem for crying over infertility. If he were that crazy you'd have a million other examples.

My bet is you are picking and choosing what to share with us.

If I am wrong, my apologies, and you are married to a crazy person.

This is OP. I have been sad about not having children for a few years now and we have had heated arguments as we delayed TTC as he was not ready financially/emotionally for a few years. The ongoing fertility struggles have made me feel bitter and angry.

FFS, just adopt. Start the process and you are in solution space.

Only a complete dumba$$ would make this dumb statement.