How to pull away from a friend who only talks about herself, her kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

I mean, OP says she boasts so I assume she boasts. What she describes (telling someone that her DH makes tons of money, for instance, or talking an excessive amount about vacations and kids' achievements) sounds like boasting to me. At a minimum, it sounds like the friend lacks self-awareness and is overly focused on herself.

I always find it strange when people come on this anonymous website, read a paragraph or two about someone's relationship with another person, and then thinks they know the "real" truth. Just take stuff at face value on here, it makes it easier. OP says her friend is boastful and rarely asks about OP or listens when OP is talking about her life. I just assume that is an accurate assessment of the situation and advise from there because anything else is pointless guesswork.

Maybe. But it is also possible that OP is the type who can't be happy for other people. There are enough of those types around here.

Except nothing OP said indicates that. So much projecting on this thread.

Look, I can play this game too:

I think you have a tendency to brag about your kids, your husband's income, and your vacations, are aware it annoys people, and may even have been called out on it in the past. But rather than work on that element of your personality and figure out what drives you to do this (usually insecurity and social awkwardness, and lack of skill in making conversation), you just blame others for being jealous.

See? It's annoying, isn't it?

+1 This thread is so weird. A lot of women feeling defensive about their conversational skills, or lack thereof.

[Anonymous]

Op, a lot of people don’t know the fins art of making conversation. People love to talk about themselves. They don’t even know they are doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sometimes I'm afraid to ask questions that could be deemed too personal or sensitive. I just assume if someone wants to share, they'll share. I know this is wrong, and I have begun to be better about posing questions, but it's possible she just figures you'd chime in with your own news if you wanted to share it.

I'm like this too. I am very interested in how people are doing but don't want to ask prying questions.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this that I had to cut off
- the friend became increasingly narcissistic over time and more superficial. He could no longer engage in a deep conversation and had no interest in hearing anything about myself or my family. When he eventually had children, I realized I did not have the stomach to listen to him boast for the next 20 plus years about his kids. I cut off contact for several years. We have recently reunited but on a very limited basis- a visit once every few years and a pleasant exchange by text a few times a year with pictures

[Anonymous]

Meh, I have some friends who talk a lot. Not all friends need to be the empathic types. Is she fun? Do you enjoy spending time with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

I mean, OP says she boasts so I assume she boasts. What she describes (telling someone that her DH makes tons of money, for instance, or talking an excessive amount about vacations and kids' achievements) sounds like boasting to me. At a minimum, it sounds like the friend lacks self-awareness and is overly focused on herself.

I always find it strange when people come on this anonymous website, read a paragraph or two about someone's relationship with another person, and then thinks they know the "real" truth. Just take stuff at face value on here, it makes it easier. OP says her friend is boastful and rarely asks about OP or listens when OP is talking about her life. I just assume that is an accurate assessment of the situation and advise from there because anything else is pointless guesswork.

Well, OP isn't being honest about her jealousy or her own role in not mentioning that she has a sister, then OP is really reaching to vilify her friend. She's looking for any excuse to make this about a bad friend, so she doesn't have to admit that she's jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

I mean, OP says she boasts so I assume she boasts. What she describes (telling someone that her DH makes tons of money, for instance, or talking an excessive amount about vacations and kids' achievements) sounds like boasting to me. At a minimum, it sounds like the friend lacks self-awareness and is overly focused on herself.

I always find it strange when people come on this anonymous website, read a paragraph or two about someone's relationship with another person, and then thinks they know the "real" truth. Just take stuff at face value on here, it makes it easier. OP says her friend is boastful and rarely asks about OP or listens when OP is talking about her life. I just assume that is an accurate assessment of the situation and advise from there because anything else is pointless guesswork.

Well, OP isn't being honest about her jealousy or her own role in not mentioning that she has a sister, then OP is really reaching to vilify her friend. She's looking for any excuse to make this about a bad friend, so she doesn't have to admit that she's jealous.

Again, a bunch of assumptions here. How do you know OP never mentioned her sister before? If it bothered OP that the friend didn't know she had a sister, I would assume she'd mentioned her in the past. Also, we don't know anything about OP's own life. Why would you assume she was jealous when you don't even know what's going on in OP's life. I have a great life and am not jealous of any of my friends, but what OP describes would annoy me. For instance, if a friend went on and on about how much her husband made, I'd rapidly grow tired of that because who cares? That's such a dumb and boring topic of conversation. I wouldn't think "oh no, does my DH measure up?!" I just don't care how much my friend's husbands make.

I think YOU are looking for any excuse to make this about OP being jealous. I don't really get why, but you're the one fixated on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

I mean, OP says she boasts so I assume she boasts. What she describes (telling someone that her DH makes tons of money, for instance, or talking an excessive amount about vacations and kids' achievements) sounds like boasting to me. At a minimum, it sounds like the friend lacks self-awareness and is overly focused on herself.

I always find it strange when people come on this anonymous website, read a paragraph or two about someone's relationship with another person, and then thinks they know the "real" truth. Just take stuff at face value on here, it makes it easier. OP says her friend is boastful and rarely asks about OP or listens when OP is talking about her life. I just assume that is an accurate assessment of the situation and advise from there because anything else is pointless guesswork.

Well, OP isn't being honest about her jealousy or her own role in not mentioning that she has a sister, then OP is really reaching to vilify her friend. She's looking for any excuse to make this about a bad friend, so she doesn't have to admit that she's jealous.

Again, a bunch of assumptions here. How do you know OP never mentioned her sister before? If it bothered OP that the friend didn't know she had a sister, I would assume she'd mentioned her in the past. Also, we don't know anything about OP's own life. Why would you assume she was jealous when you don't even know what's going on in OP's life. I have a great life and am not jealous of any of my friends, but what OP describes would annoy me. For instance, if a friend went on and on about how much her husband made, I'd rapidly grow tired of that because who cares? That's such a dumb and boring topic of conversation. I wouldn't think "oh no, does my DH measure up?!" I just don't care how much my friend's husbands make.

I think YOU are looking for any excuse to make this about OP being jealous. I don't really get why, but you're the one fixated on this.

DP here, this is a super defensive post!

[Anonymous]

We're friends with a couple who talk incessantly about their kids and grandkids. The few times I shared a photo of our new granddaughter they barely looked at it and went right on to another subject. I have no desire to spend a lot of time with them so we limit our dinners to once every few months. My husband is closer to her husband so I can't sever the friendship without causing awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

I have a neighbor like this. It is super grating and I had to back way up from our hang outs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

I mean, OP says she boasts so I assume she boasts. What she describes (telling someone that her DH makes tons of money, for instance, or talking an excessive amount about vacations and kids' achievements) sounds like boasting to me. At a minimum, it sounds like the friend lacks self-awareness and is overly focused on herself.

I always find it strange when people come on this anonymous website, read a paragraph or two about someone's relationship with another person, and then thinks they know the "real" truth. Just take stuff at face value on here, it makes it easier. OP says her friend is boastful and rarely asks about OP or listens when OP is talking about her life. I just assume that is an accurate assessment of the situation and advise from there because anything else is pointless guesswork.

Maybe. But it is also possible that OP is the type who can't be happy for other people. There are enough of those types around here.

Except nothing OP said indicates that. So much projecting on this thread.

Look, I can play this game too:

I think you have a tendency to brag about your kids, your husband's income, and your vacations, are aware it annoys people, and may even have been called out on it in the past. But rather than work on that element of your personality and figure out what drives you to do this (usually insecurity and social awkwardness, and lack of skill in making conversation), you just blame others for being jealous.

See? It's annoying, isn't it?

+1 This thread is so weird. A lot of women feeling defensive about their conversational skills, or lack thereof.

+2
I can only assume the women calling OP jealous are the braggarts in real life. And completely lack self awareness. “I’m not bragging about summering in the Hamptons! Can’t you just be happy for me?!? Your just jealous!” I mean c’mon.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this and told them I wanted to talk about me. We are still friends.

My friend is a bit self-centered and may realize that.

You could try stating your needs instead of ghosting then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

I mean, OP says she boasts so I assume she boasts. What she describes (telling someone that her DH makes tons of money, for instance, or talking an excessive amount about vacations and kids' achievements) sounds like boasting to me. At a minimum, it sounds like the friend lacks self-awareness and is overly focused on herself.

I always find it strange when people come on this anonymous website, read a paragraph or two about someone's relationship with another person, and then thinks they know the "real" truth. Just take stuff at face value on here, it makes it easier. OP says her friend is boastful and rarely asks about OP or listens when OP is talking about her life. I just assume that is an accurate assessment of the situation and advise from there because anything else is pointless guesswork.

Maybe. But it is also possible that OP is the type who can't be happy for other people. There are enough of those types around here.

Except nothing OP said indicates that. So much projecting on this thread.

Look, I can play this game too:

I think you have a tendency to brag about your kids, your husband's income, and your vacations, are aware it annoys people, and may even have been called out on it in the past. But rather than work on that element of your personality and figure out what drives you to do this (usually insecurity and social awkwardness, and lack of skill in making conversation), you just blame others for being jealous.

See? It's annoying, isn't it?

+1 This thread is so weird. A lot of women feeling defensive about their conversational skills, or lack thereof.

+2
I can only assume the women calling OP jealous are the braggarts in real life. And completely lack self awareness. “I’m not bragging about summering in the Hamptons! Can’t you just be happy for me?!? Your just jealous!” I mean c’mon.

Yeah, they are really telling on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous. It’s unbecoming.

Oh, dear.

I mean, she does. She could have made her point just by saying “I have a friend who only talks about herself and never listens to me.“ Instead, she gave all the specific things that the friend says that bother her. Sounds like she’s jealous about those things.

Her friend sounds boorish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sister comment is interesting. I ask lots of questions in conversations with friends. I know so much about their extended families, where they live, what they do for a living, etc., because I’m genuinely interested in people’s back stories and family dynamics. But the reverse is not true. I don’t think many of my friends know anything at all about my family.

I’m just like you, OP! Patient, kind, sensitive - a great listener (and in a helping profession).

I’ve dropped friendships when I quickly realize that I could quickly recall as you said - entire back stories, every detail she’s shared about childhood and current family but should the situation be reversed, I knew this “friend” would likely recall nothing about me, likely because she never shut up enough to ask. So one sided and so frustrating. This isn’t friendship or even how you build a relationship…with anyone.

I have no answers. I also have very few friends, but I am blessed to have close sibling relationships, a long marriage, young adult DC and a group of childhood friends I see intermittently.

If you are going to take the time to ask ME questions, listen to my stories and get to know me just as I would like to do for you, then we will be friends. I think this is rare; so many self-involved, rude and discourteous people who are disinterested in friendships.