How to pull away from a friend who only talks about herself, her kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sometimes I'm afraid to ask questions that could be deemed too personal or sensitive. I just assume if someone wants to share, they'll share. I know this is wrong, and I have begun to be better about posing questions, but it's possible she just figures you'd chime in with your own news if you wanted to share it.

It's not wrong. I hate when someone starts interrogating me about my personal details and history. It's too intrusive.

Same. Also I've learned that people who ask a lot of very specific questions of people are often info collectors and they then turn around and share this info with anyone and everyone. They might not even think of this as "gossip" but I do, so I've learned to be cautious around people like this.

I think it's presumptuous, too. You can't assume everyone is eager to talk about their family or their job or whatever. If you let people share what they want, you don't wind up asking someone whose parents are alcoholics to please tell you all about them, or someone who loathes their job to explain exactly what they do. If they want to share those things, I'm happy to listen. But I don't ask those kinds of specific questions because I think it can really put people on the spot if they don't happen to have easy, small-talk friendly responses to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

[Anonymous]

So hurtful OP. It brings me to tears that you want to do this to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

+1

Agree. Be the adult and own your feelings, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sometimes I'm afraid to ask questions that could be deemed too personal or sensitive. I just assume if someone wants to share, they'll share. I know this is wrong, and I have begun to be better about posing questions, but it's possible she just figures you'd chime in with your own news if you wanted to share it.

This! I don't want to pry and am hoping people will tell me what they want me to know and not be put on the spot by unwelcome questions from me. I've realized it doesn't work like that but... it really should! I hate playing games.

[Anonymous]

I had a coworker/friend who bragged about her kids a lot. I didn't mind it for a long time as I kind of got why she bragged about them. Plus a lot of our other coworkers weren't friendly with her because of the bragging (even ones who didn't have kids so it wasn't a jealousy thing).

But then conversations began to be monopolized by her talking about her kids and their achievements. I may say something going on in my life and she would somehow turn it into her kids, even when it had nothing to do with it. It got to the point where every single conversation somehow turned into her bragging about her kids. I pulled back a little but then ended up taking a different position at the hospital. And while I still see her when we work together, our time together is naturally limited to 15-20 at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ghost her. If she asks why, explain that you grew exhausted with being her cheerleader.

I did the same with a friend from college but at 44.

I was in a parking lot on the phone with her one day while she was crying about yet another boyfriend and I realized she had never asked about my marriage, my three kids, my cross country move while pregnant, nothing.

I was just an ear to abuse. So I stopped taking her calls and the 'friendship' was gone. It's been 4 years and I'm fine with it.

For real, some people just constantly take and take. I like to give them the benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

+1

Some people wait for you to fail/fall - OP seems like that type. I would run from you, OP.

Find other people like you who enjoy when others have misfortune upon them. What is the old saying? Misery loves company. OP is probably the type that thinks everyone else is rich and have no problems, because money solves everything. So naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ghost her. If she asks why, explain that you grew exhausted with being her cheerleader.

I did the same with a friend from college but at 44.

I was in a parking lot on the phone with her one day while she was crying about yet another boyfriend and I realized she had never asked about my marriage, my three kids, my cross country move while pregnant, nothing.

I was just an ear to abuse. So I stopped taking her calls and the 'friendship' was gone. It's been 4 years and I'm fine with it.

For real, some people just constantly take and take. I like to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, if you can't get a word in edgewise, time to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

I mean, OP says she boasts so I assume she boasts. What she describes (telling someone that her DH makes tons of money, for instance, or talking an excessive amount about vacations and kids' achievements) sounds like boasting to me. At a minimum, it sounds like the friend lacks self-awareness and is overly focused on herself.

I always find it strange when people come on this anonymous website, read a paragraph or two about someone's relationship with another person, and then thinks they know the "real" truth. Just take stuff at face value on here, it makes it easier. OP says her friend is boastful and rarely asks about OP or listens when OP is talking about her life. I just assume that is an accurate assessment of the situation and advise from there because anything else is pointless guesswork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

I mean, OP says she boasts so I assume she boasts. What she describes (telling someone that her DH makes tons of money, for instance, or talking an excessive amount about vacations and kids' achievements) sounds like boasting to me. At a minimum, it sounds like the friend lacks self-awareness and is overly focused on herself.

I always find it strange when people come on this anonymous website, read a paragraph or two about someone's relationship with another person, and then thinks they know the "real" truth. Just take stuff at face value on here, it makes it easier. OP says her friend is boastful and rarely asks about OP or listens when OP is talking about her life. I just assume that is an accurate assessment of the situation and advise from there because anything else is pointless guesswork.

Maybe. But it is also possible that OP is the type who can't be happy for other people. There are enough of those types around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

+1

Some people wait for you to fail/fall - OP seems like that type. I would run from you, OP.

Find other people like you who enjoy when others have misfortune upon them. What is the old saying? Misery loves company. OP is probably the type that thinks everyone else is rich and have no problems, because money solves everything. So naive.

What in OP's statements make it sound like she's waiting for her friend to fail? It sounds like she's annoyed that a friend she's known for a while doesn't seem that interested in getting to know her and talks about herself a lot. "I would run from you"? Y'all are being dramatic. OP has a crummy friend and wants to distance from her. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

I forgot to mention that you're completely jealous though. You're only upset about her talking about good things in her life. You're not complaining about her droning on and on about her sick cat.

Except it sounds like, from OP's description of this woman, that she doesn't go on and on about her sick cat. She only boasts. People who walk around boasting all the time, or one-upping people constantly, inspire jealousy because they like it. Well it worked! OP is jealous, but also doesn't want to be around this woman who makes her feel jealous all the time, which is a healthy approach to the problem from OP.

"You sound jealous" isn't the insult some of you think it is. Sure, sometimes people get jealous. And OP's response is "how do I withdraw from this relationship that isn't serving my mental health." You aren't required to stay friends with someone who is constantly trying to get you to feel jealous out of some weird social obligation. You can just move on and hang out with people who don't view life as a giant competition all the time.

PP here. We agree that OP should stop hanging out with her if she doesn't enjoy it. But someone talking about positive things in her life isn't necessarily boasting. We don't know how the conversation truly went. It's not an insult to say OP is jealous, but she should own it. It's ok to say I'm jealous AND I don't like hanging out with this person. OP doesn't even need a good reason. Just not enjoying it is enough. But stop attacking the friend for not knowing that OP has a sister. That's on OP. Now OP is jealous and nitpicking the friend to create a justification to stop hanging out with her. That's really crappy. OP should just own the facts and stop seeing her friend without trumping up charges.

I mean, OP says she boasts so I assume she boasts. What she describes (telling someone that her DH makes tons of money, for instance, or talking an excessive amount about vacations and kids' achievements) sounds like boasting to me. At a minimum, it sounds like the friend lacks self-awareness and is overly focused on herself.

I always find it strange when people come on this anonymous website, read a paragraph or two about someone's relationship with another person, and then thinks they know the "real" truth. Just take stuff at face value on here, it makes it easier. OP says her friend is boastful and rarely asks about OP or listens when OP is talking about her life. I just assume that is an accurate assessment of the situation and advise from there because anything else is pointless guesswork.

Maybe. But it is also possible that OP is the type who can't be happy for other people. There are enough of those types around here.

Except nothing OP said indicates that. So much projecting on this thread.

Look, I can play this game too:

I think you have a tendency to brag about your kids, your husband's income, and your vacations, are aware it annoys people, and may even have been called out on it in the past. But rather than work on that element of your personality and figure out what drives you to do this (usually insecurity and social awkwardness, and lack of skill in making conversation), you just blame others for being jealous.

See? It's annoying, isn't it?