How to pull away from a friend who only talks about herself, her kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

I've been friends with a woman, let's call her Jane, since our eldest kids were in a mommy-and-me class together as babies. They later went to the same preschool and elementary school, and the friendship developed naturally due to our kids being in the same grade, proximity, etc. This was a decade ago that we met.

Over time, I've begun to realize that she only talks about or shares things about herself, and boasts: About how savvy her spouse is with investing (she says things like, "We have plenty of money thanks to him - I don't need to work except I like it!"), brags about their exotic vacations, her kids' achievements, etc. I do a lot of smiling and nodding. Last week over dinner, I mentioned going on a trip with my sister next month, and she said: "I didn't even realize you had a sister." It just hit me that...I do a lot of listening and ooh-ing and ahh-ing and don't get much back.

What's the adult way to pull back on the friendship? Our get-togethers usually consist of going for a walk or meeting for a drink on someone's porch.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like that. I was pulling away when life handed me some rough times and she ended up being one of very few who reached out and helped. I am forever grateful and now just let her go on and on. Sometimes, I do space out our lunches a bit further apart when she is particularly annoying, but she will always be a friend.

[Anonymous]

Just stop inviting her to do things and be busy when she invites you.

[Anonymous]

You sound jealous. It’s unbecoming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous. It’s unbecoming.

Oh, dear.

[Anonymous]

This thread made me realize that I've many friends with whom I only listen to or talk about them. I don't know if I'm an empathetic listener or they are self centered.

Either way, its fine by me if it helps them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous. It’s unbecoming.

Your “friends” don’t really like you.

[Anonymous]

OP if you enjoy her company then who cares if you are talking about you or them. Not every friendship has to be the same. However, if it bothers you, say so. Ask her that it seems you really open up to me but I don't share much, does it bother you? I feel like our friendship is old enough for me to trust you.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend that used to be a good listener--we had an equal relationship, and now it's all about her. I have no clue what happened. But we definitely don't talk as much. I find it exhausting to constantly be her sounding board.

Note: if you don't know if you are that type of person; pay attention the next time you talk to your friends, if you talk 90% of the time--you're exhausting. Ask your friend how they are doing, really listen; follow up (not just with a similar story about yourself).

[Anonymous]

So sometimes I'm afraid to ask questions that could be deemed too personal or sensitive. I just assume if someone wants to share, they'll share. I know this is wrong, and I have begun to be better about posing questions, but it's possible she just figures you'd chime in with your own news if you wanted to share it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous. It’s unbecoming.

Oh, dear.

I mean, she does. She could have made her point just by saying “I have a friend who only talks about herself and never listens to me.“ Instead, she gave all the specific things that the friend says that bother her. Sounds like she’s jealous about those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous. It’s unbecoming.

Oh, dear.

I mean, she does. She could have made her point just by saying “I have a friend who only talks about herself and never listens to me.“ Instead, she gave all the specific things that the friend says that bother her. Sounds like she’s jealous about those things.

It sounds like you might be projecting and are nit-picking a bit.

[Anonymous]

Just ghost her. If she asks why, explain that you grew exhausted with being her cheerleader.

I did the same with a friend from college but at 44.

I was in a parking lot on the phone with her one day while she was crying about yet another boyfriend and I realized she had never asked about my marriage, my three kids, my cross country move while pregnant, nothing.

I was just an ear to abuse. So I stopped taking her calls and the 'friendship' was gone. It's been 4 years and I'm fine with it.

[Anonymous]

The sister comment is interesting. I ask lots of questions in conversations with friends. I know so much about their extended families, where they live, what they do for a living, etc., because I’m genuinely interested in people’s back stories and family dynamics. But the reverse is not true. I don’t think many of my friends know anything at all about my family.

[Anonymous]

OP do you enjoy her company? I don't mind listening mostly if I genuinely enjoy the person. If you don't enjoy her company pull back and be busy.

I will say I would rather listen than deal with the busy body. There is a woman who wants to be better friends and keeps trying to get together and the times we chat at the grocery store, school events just exhaust me. Her questions are intrusive and her boundaries poor. She seems to be well liked enough and greeting everyone and chatting a lot so she will do just fine without me. I just don't want to spend what little free time I have dealing with the inquisition.The funny thing is she barely shares info, but will push push push and be all up in your business.