How to pull away from a friend who only talks about herself, her kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't getting what you need from the friendship, just be less available. See if stepping it down to just once a month or something makes it better, or worse. Don't just stop talking to her altogether because that will hurt her and you will create enmity between you. Just step it back a bit (you're on vacation, work is really busy, so hard to get together first month of school) but still schedule things, just fewer and further between. See how you feel.

By the way, I think the bigger issue here is that your friend brags a lot, not that she talks about herself a lot. I actually love it when friends just volunteer info about themselves, tell me what is going on in their lives, etc. Once you've known someone a certain length of time, it's nice to not always HAVE to ask or draw them out. So I have a bunch of friendships where mostly, we both just volunteer. So I'll talk about my stuff, she'll talk about her stuff, we aren't necessarily asking a ton of questions but we will comment and ask follow ups.

But the bragging is an issue, especially if it takes the form of one-upping. I do have one friend who is like that. I'll say "Larla is starting ballet this fall, she's excited" and she'll respond with "Oh, Julia has been in ballet since she was 3, she's just moved in to the pre-professional program. We've added tap and modern, too..." and then go on for 20 minutes about her kid's dance career. And she'll do this with everything -- vacations, jobs, kids, houses, etc. The issue is not that she talks about herself, it's that it feels like she has to "top" everything I talk about and then dominates the conversation. I am at the point where I only see her like twice a year and usually only at family things so my interactions with her are more diluted. I don't hate her or anything, but talking to her 1:1 isn't very fun for me so I don't do it much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous. It’s unbecoming.

Oh, dear.

I mean, she does. She could have made her point just by saying “I have a friend who only talks about herself and never listens to me.“ Instead, she gave all the specific things that the friend says that bother her. Sounds like she’s jealous about those things.

Are you kidding? DCUM always needs details. OP was 100% correct to include them. And she doesn’t sound jealous at all. So suck it PP.

[Anonymous]

I do have a friend from college whom I avoid because she only talks about herself or share information about others she shouldn't. It made me realize she probably shares mine as well.

[Anonymous]

Do the kids still get along? If so then I would try not to make things hostile or too uncomfortable and try to keep some sort of relationship. But you can reduce the frequency or intensity.

During the actual conversation, if it’s too one-sided and too much to hear, try to sound less enthusiastic. “Hmmm” “I see”. Or just nod a bit in response. Don’t ask follow up questions. Try to change the topic to something neutral or ask about something you want the answer to - what summer camps are you considering this year?

Also dilute the interaction - have 1-2 additional people at the outing.

Reduce the frequency if needed.

Finally check to see if it’s you who’s hesitant to share personal information. Some people talk to fill in space and they know themselves best so they talk about themselves and sound like they’re bragging. Maybe they’re not sure you want to answer personal questions so they don’t ask.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend that makes sure to tell me she has done everything I share, first. It’s annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you enjoy her company? I don't mind listening mostly if I genuinely enjoy the person. If you don't enjoy her company pull back and be busy.

I will say I would rather listen than deal with the busy body. There is a woman who wants to be better friends and keeps trying to get together and the times we chat at the grocery store, school events just exhaust me. Her questions are intrusive and her boundaries poor. She seems to be well liked enough and greeting everyone and chatting a lot so she will do just fine without me. I just don't want to spend what little free time I have dealing with the inquisition.The funny thing is she barely shares info, but will push push push and be all up in your business.

+1

This is an excellent point. DP here.

[Anonymous]

You do the slow fade.

You start being "busy".

You don't respond to her text immediately. You make her wait. By making her wait, she goes to find other people to be her mirror.

Sorry I haven't been able to get back to you, things are very busy.

You enroll your kids in an activity that will take up good time. My kids are enrolled in ___ now, gotta go.

You fade out.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it feels like shockingly few people have the skills for the kind of give-and-take conversation that I think most people think is ideal. It's so rare to meet someone who can do this. Instead there are a handful of mildly dysfunctional conversational styles and you kind of have to pick and choose based on your personality and what you can deal with.

- Only talks about themselves, never asks questions. This person is great for introverts who don't want to talk about themselves, terrible for people who actually want to share things about themselves.

- Interrogators who only ask questions, never share anything about themselves. This person is great for people who love to talk about themselves, terrible for people who are shy as well as people who are more interested in others than themselves.

- The person who never talks, just listens. Great for people who like to talk, bad for people who struggle to come up with things to talk about. Two of these is bad unless they are both totally happy with long silences.

- The person who only wants to talk about OTHER people. Great for gossips! Bad for people who don't like gossiping, or anyone who doesn't want to be gossiped about to everyone else.

I'm an introvert so I actually like the people who mostly just talk about themselves and a lot of my friends fall in that category! Some are worse than others and I do prefer the people who can do a bit more give and take, but I'd much rather hang out with someone who just talks about their now life a lot than someone who is going to pepper me with a million question or who never has anything at all to say or who just wants to share a bunch of judgmental things about our other friends or colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Confronting a narcissist is a waste of time. One, they won't change. Two, you are now on their bad list and they'll diss you behind your back.

You back away slowly, then disappear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sometimes I'm afraid to ask questions that could be deemed too personal or sensitive. I just assume if someone wants to share, they'll share. I know this is wrong, and I have begun to be better about posing questions, but it's possible she just figures you'd chime in with your own news if you wanted to share it.

NP. With people like this, I feel like if they don’t ask me questions about myself, they aren’t interested in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sometimes I'm afraid to ask questions that could be deemed too personal or sensitive. I just assume if someone wants to share, they'll share. I know this is wrong, and I have begun to be better about posing questions, but it's possible she just figures you'd chime in with your own news if you wanted to share it.

NP. With people like this, I feel like if they don’t ask me questions about myself, they aren’t interested in me.

Same. And if someone asks "how are you?" Are you still afraid to ask them? Does it still feels like interrogation?

[Anonymous]

She didn't know you had a sister - that's on you. Or might be on you. Clearly you don't mention your family, for sister. Op, I think you have some work to do. Whether you stay friends with this person/or not is not your biggest problem. You should use this as an opportunity to practice some conversation give and take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do the slow fade.

You start being "busy".

You don't respond to her text immediately. You make her wait. By making her wait, she goes to find other people to be her mirror.

Sorry I haven't been able to get back to you, things are very busy.

You enroll your kids in an activity that will take up good time. My kids are enrolled in ___ now, gotta go.

You fade out.

This. It's a simple process over time. Stop inviting her. Have an excuse for why you cannot meet up but always respond to texts with pleasant responses. It will eventually fade.
It's not a terrible thing. Friendships may naturally close as we mature, move on, or have different needs.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you don't enjoy spending time with her then don't. But a lot of people don't want to pry, so it's on you to mention that you have a sister. If she listens when you talk, then I don't see the problem. If she immediately turns every topic back to herself, then that's a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sometimes I'm afraid to ask questions that could be deemed too personal or sensitive. I just assume if someone wants to share, they'll share. I know this is wrong, and I have begun to be better about posing questions, but it's possible she just figures you'd chime in with your own news if you wanted to share it.

It's not wrong. I hate when someone starts interrogating me about my personal details and history. It's too intrusive.