Lack of motivation and parental success

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a lot of room in between a highly stressful or competitive job and a fast food job. I sometimes think that’s hard to see for people with a type A mindset, because they think anything lower than the top is a failure. Your son already seems wise enough to realize he doesn’t want the stressful career that your husband has. He wants more balance in life and that’s fine. Smart even. Guide him towards finding a rewarding career that suits his personality.

Even as a recent college grad, some kids see things differently. My one kid is 2 years into first real job. They put in their 40 hours/week and the extra 5-8 hours/week as needed. But they don't see the purpose behind working 60-80 hour weeks "to get ahead". Sure the person who has put in the 70-80 hours got a 15% raise, my kid got a 10% raise (there were kids who got only 5-6%), so in perspective my kid feels they have a life outside work and the "striver" may be the top employee and earning a slight bit more, but has no life outside of work and might burn out in a few years. My kid can pay the bills and support themselves, but knows we are always around to help. They want to enjoy their weekends and evenings and who can fault them for that? They are still doing well, got a good raise (many places did not give any raises this year) and excellent reviews on the job. They have always been a happy go lucky type of person and not a "go getter", so I have tried to learn to just accept that and be happy with it.. Very different than my partner or myself who have been type A go getters/striver/excel at most things.
So they might not be making $160K at age 30, but they will be an excellent employee, have a great job, and they live in a MCOL area so can live extremely well on what they make/will make.
Most importantly, they are happy and forging their own path.

[Anonymous]

Try to make him see the ways to be successful that are not about money. My husband and I are lawyers who earn a good living but do public interest law. My kid, a rising freshman has tons of passion around causes she cares about it. Find something your kid cares about or feels strongly about (good or bad).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

Lol. What an inspiring story.

NP. It’s always entertaining when the plebs jump in these threads to share all their “knowledge” about who actually lives in those homes, judgement on those who encourage their kids to work hard, etc. Very transparent displays of insecurity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to make him see the ways to be successful that are not about money. My husband and I are lawyers who earn a good living but do public interest law. My kid, a rising freshman has tons of passion around causes she cares about it. Find something your kid cares about or feels strongly about (good or bad).

What if kid feels strongly about earning lots of money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14 year old is the same way. He just doesn’t see the point in the rat race and says it’s better to enjoy life. I point out that life is easier when you have a higher paying job and a nice house but he says he would rather live in a converted bus or van and travel around the country enjoying life surfing and camping.

I sent him for a week over break to a relative’s house in Colorado that lives in a semi-rural place to do physical labor. I thought he would learn that it is tough and he wouldn’t want that type of life. Turns out he loved it and didn’t mind working 8 hours doing physical labor. He said he would be happy dropping out and working on the ranch and skiing on his days off.

The worst thing you could do is criticize his choices. He’s not a carbon copy of his father. He is his own person.

He’s only 14, who knows what he’ll end up doing. But if he decides he loves the Colorado lifestyle, the outdoors, working with his hands, then you did your job and consider yourself lucky to have a successful satisfied kid who loves what he does.

[Anonymous]

My children are welcome to pursue any career or job that they want. But we often talk about the necessity of having a job that affords the lifestyle that each child wants.

Someone people are happy with much les. Some people will work harder to have more material possessions. Only if there is a disconnection between the two is there a problem.

[Anonymous]

The world is a hard place. I want my children to be motivated to have a strong work ethic, get a job that pays the bills and can provide for themselves and a family, if they decide they want one, and gives them access to good health insurance. It's about survival and not status. A teen lacks the life perspective to understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might come off odd to some people, but please hold your judgement. My husband is fairly successful. He's tech related, he's not internet famous but he is well known in his area of focus. Well respected by others, manage a very large team in a large company. He has been interviewed by various semi tech related news sites or international small news focus pubs. He works a ton. I also work, but certainly not at his level.

Anyway, over the past couple years, and certainly not helped by the pandemic, my son now soon turning 14 is really unmotivated. He'll do things if I ask him to, but never on his own. He used to love reading, now he barely picks up a book. He'll play video games, and he will go play outside with his friends, but video games are his primary entertainment, along with Youtube. I know that's very much the life of teens now and not too out of the ordinary.

However, what came across in conversations with him recently when we ask about what he likes to do or not want to do, he has mentioned that he does NOT want to work as hard as my husband. He sees how tired he is. He does know a lot of his accomplishments and I'm getting a sense that my husbands success might be a bit overwhelming for him. When we have kids, we always hope that they will do better than us, accomplish more, be happy of course. However, I really hope that my son isn't giving up on accomplishing anything as there would be very little chance for him to "do better than his old man" in a way.

He seems perfectly fine to aim for a life at a fast food restaurant paying $20/hr. No aspirations at all, hates to compete in anything official even though he's very athletic and in accelerated math etc.

I can't help but wonder if our easy life is making him aimless and really lacking a desire to accomplish anything if being the same or more successful than his dad would be really hard...and he's not willing to or want to work hard to get there.

Anyway, any suggestions in how you get your teen into something new or more motivated as they get older and have to eventually make those college decisions and applications. I'm continuing to be positive, supportive, and giving him ideas on things he could do. I haven't forced him to take on any activities other than 1 sport a season to stay active to balance all his device time. But maybe I should? Anyone else encounter a similar situation? Or maybe he'll just grown out of it and find his own way.

If your husband is successful in tech, why does the kid have to be motivated. Nepotism and a large bank account will get him farther than motivation ever could

+1. Most rich kids aren’t motivated. But their life is laid out for them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

Lol. What an inspiring story.

NP. It’s always entertaining when the plebs jump in these threads to share all their “knowledge” about who actually lives in those homes, judgement on those who encourage their kids to work hard, etc. Very transparent displays of insecurity.

It’s true. Those who don’t try to motivate their kids with big, beautiful homes are clearly the insecure ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might come off odd to some people, but please hold your judgement. My husband is fairly successful. He's tech related, he's not internet famous but he is well known in his area of focus. Well respected by others, manage a very large team in a large company. He has been interviewed by various semi tech related news sites or international small news focus pubs. He works a ton. I also work, but certainly not at his level.

Anyway, over the past couple years, and certainly not helped by the pandemic, my son now soon turning 14 is really unmotivated. He'll do things if I ask him to, but never on his own. He used to love reading, now he barely picks up a book. He'll play video games, and he will go play outside with his friends, but video games are his primary entertainment, along with Youtube. I know that's very much the life of teens now and not too out of the ordinary.

However, what came across in conversations with him recently when we ask about what he likes to do or not want to do, he has mentioned that he does NOT want to work as hard as my husband. He sees how tired he is. He does know a lot of his accomplishments and I'm getting a sense that my husbands success might be a bit overwhelming for him. When we have kids, we always hope that they will do better than us, accomplish more, be happy of course. However, I really hope that my son isn't giving up on accomplishing anything as there would be very little chance for him to "do better than his old man" in a way.

He seems perfectly fine to aim for a life at a fast food restaurant paying $20/hr. No aspirations at all, hates to compete in anything official even though he's very athletic and in accelerated math etc.

I can't help but wonder if our easy life is making him aimless and really lacking a desire to accomplish anything if being the same or more successful than his dad would be really hard...and he's not willing to or want to work hard to get there.

Anyway, any suggestions in how you get your teen into something new or more motivated as they get older and have to eventually make those college decisions and applications. I'm continuing to be positive, supportive, and giving him ideas on things he could do. I haven't forced him to take on any activities other than 1 sport a season to stay active to balance all his device time. But maybe I should? Anyone else encounter a similar situation? Or maybe he'll just grown out of it and find his own way.

If your husband is successful in tech, why does the kid have to be motivated. Nepotism and a large bank account will get him farther than motivation ever could

+1. Most rich kids aren’t motivated. But their life is laid out for them

One of the wealthiest families we knew growing up had 5 kids. Dad was the managing partner at a Big 4 accounting firm in our city. They continue to spend lavishly on their adult children and grandchildren. The problem is that none of the children make any signficiant money. 2 are teachers are they are doing the "best". One works at a restaurant, one at Home Depot and one at a doctor's office (but not a nurse.) None of the married ones have spouses making good income. So once the parents die and the money is divided 5 ways, it will only last so long and there certainly won't be enough for the grandchildren in adulthood. Hope the grandkids have more motivation than the kids, else there will be huge lifestyle drop off at some point.

[Anonymous]

OP, your son is not yet 14. he has no idea what he going to do. he seems capable, and, since both of you are driven, he will likely at some point be driven as well. i think that is genetic.

also, many of those computer games are very competitive. it's stupid, i know, but the drive could be there, just directed into the games at the moment. he is still a child.

he might not surpass his father, and he will need to deal with that. but i wouldn't worry too much yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

That statement is unfair to your son. Lots of those people are legacy money and connections. It’s like the hard work of Ivanka Trump - no offense to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might come off odd to some people, but please hold your judgement. My husband is fairly successful. He's tech related, he's not internet famous but he is well known in his area of focus. Well respected by others, manage a very large team in a large company. He has been interviewed by various semi tech related news sites or international small news focus pubs. He works a ton. I also work, but certainly not at his level.

Anyway, over the past couple years, and certainly not helped by the pandemic, my son now soon turning 14 is really unmotivated. He'll do things if I ask him to, but never on his own. He used to love reading, now he barely picks up a book. He'll play video games, and he will go play outside with his friends, but video games are his primary entertainment, along with Youtube. I know that's very much the life of teens now and not too out of the ordinary.

However, what came across in conversations with him recently when we ask about what he likes to do or not want to do, he has mentioned that he does NOT want to work as hard as my husband. He sees how tired he is. He does know a lot of his accomplishments and I'm getting a sense that my husbands success might be a bit overwhelming for him. When we have kids, we always hope that they will do better than us, accomplish more, be happy of course. However, I really hope that my son isn't giving up on accomplishing anything as there would be very little chance for him to "do better than his old man" in a way.

He seems perfectly fine to aim for a life at a fast food restaurant paying $20/hr. No aspirations at all, hates to compete in anything official even though he's very athletic and in accelerated math etc.

I can't help but wonder if our easy life is making him aimless and really lacking a desire to accomplish anything if being the same or more successful than his dad would be really hard...and he's not willing to or want to work hard to get there.

Anyway, any suggestions in how you get your teen into something new or more motivated as they get older and have to eventually make those college decisions and applications. I'm continuing to be positive, supportive, and giving him ideas on things he could do. I haven't forced him to take on any activities other than 1 sport a season to stay active to balance all his device time. But maybe I should? Anyone else encounter a similar situation? Or maybe he'll just grown out of it and find his own way.

It’s not easy to surpass your parents when they’re already at the top. It can be damaging to kids to compare themselves to really accomplished parents.

Below: REGULAR PEOPLE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd_zBzi8vpY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

You’re not raising your kids right. Stuff like that shouldn’t matter.

+1 Seems like this would encourage greed and materialism. Also, it sounds like you and spouse aren't really parenting if you are stressed, working long hours, and constantly on computer. Maybe your kids you need and want you to be present with them more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a cushion growing up and I’m pretty unambitious.

I have a great life. I have time for my family, we love each other, we have enough money to feel safe and fulfilled, and my children will have the education to pursue whatever they want to pursue.

There’s more to life than being interviewed by trade publications or having a big house by the river.

I don’t want to “light a fire” under my children. They are their own people. It’s not up to me what they decide to do with their short time on the planet.

Spoiled moron.