Lack of motivation and parental success

[Anonymous]

I had a cushion growing up and I’m pretty unambitious.

I have a great life. I have time for my family, we love each other, we have enough money to feel safe and fulfilled, and my children will have the education to pursue whatever they want to pursue.

There’s more to life than being interviewed by trade publications or having a big house by the river.

I don’t want to “light a fire” under my children. They are their own people. It’s not up to me what they decide to do with their short time on the planet.

[Anonymous]

The tough part about this is that there are no jobs in between being a hard charging tech worker and a fast good job. Nothing at all, it's one or the other. If only there existed the possibility of jobs that paid a decent wage with a reasonable workload.

[Anonymous]

My FIL worked very hard and was successful but it took a toll on his family life. My husband isn’t as successful but he’s always prioritized being a good, involved dad. We made it work for me to stay home in the early years and then I went back to my pink collar job. We have way less than his parents but they always tell us how they feel like we made good decisions and they wished they had prioritized differently. They had money but missed out on a lot of life.

[Anonymous]

I think this is totally normal. However I would plant the seed now that you expect him to get a summer job when he's 15, then don't help him at all. Honestly I think this is just a really selfish time at this age, and totally fine, but giving him notice now that you will be expecting him to start working soon might just give him something to vector in on. And having cash in your pocket allows for more outdoor time, socializing, all the things many kids are lacking these days. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

He's just turning 14? I say this as the mom of two young adult sons and a teen daughter: Mom, chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

A small home 2 hours outside the city is the new van down by the river.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents were academically gifted, went to top schools, and worked like crazy. The only thing I knew was that I didn't want to live like them - work all the time, be consumed by the jobs, only talk about the job, have no time for your kids etc. So I get where your son is coming from! I'm a slacker by comparison but satisfied with my life. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

2 hours outside the city!! The horror!

[Anonymous]

Maybe he has motivations but different motivations than his father. If he wants to pet sit, maybe he’d be open to volunteering at an animal shelter and having conversations on the kind of impact he wants to have on his friends, family and community?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might come off odd to some people, but please hold your judgement. My husband is fairly successful. He's tech related, he's not internet famous but he is well known in his area of focus. Well respected by others, manage a very large team in a large company. He has been interviewed by various semi tech related news sites or international small news focus pubs. He works a ton. I also work, but certainly not at his level.

Anyway, over the past couple years, and certainly not helped by the pandemic, my son now soon turning 14 is really unmotivated. He'll do things if I ask him to, but never on his own. He used to love reading, now he barely picks up a book. He'll play video games, and he will go play outside with his friends, but video games are his primary entertainment, along with Youtube. I know that's very much the life of teens now and not too out of the ordinary.

However, what came across in conversations with him recently when we ask about what he likes to do or not want to do, he has mentioned that he does NOT want to work as hard as my husband. He sees how tired he is. He does know a lot of his accomplishments and I'm getting a sense that my husbands success might be a bit overwhelming for him. When we have kids, we always hope that they will do better than us, accomplish more, be happy of course. However, I really hope that my son isn't giving up on accomplishing anything as there would be very little chance for him to "do better than his old man" in a way.

He seems perfectly fine to aim for a life at a fast food restaurant paying $20/hr. No aspirations at all, hates to compete in anything official even though he's very athletic and in accelerated math etc.

I can't help but wonder if our easy life is making him aimless and really lacking a desire to accomplish anything if being the same or more successful than his dad would be really hard...and he's not willing to or want to work hard to get there.

Anyway, any suggestions in how you get your teen into something new or more motivated as they get older and have to eventually make those college decisions and applications. I'm continuing to be positive, supportive, and giving him ideas on things he could do. I haven't forced him to take on any activities other than 1 sport a season to stay active to balance all his device time. But maybe I should? Anyone else encounter a similar situation? Or maybe he'll just grown out of it and find his own way.

OP, no your easy life is not making him
aimless. It’s your husband’s excessive focus on work and validation that is making your son see the big picture as he misses his dad. I say this from experience and coming from the best of placed, after a rude awakening with our own child. I was once your husband and I am so glad I woke up just in time.
What your son needs is time with his parents, he is on the computer and videogames to fill a void. He sees you working and a tired dad who is not around his family but pouring into a job and interviews. Why would he want to follow on those footsteps?
We tell ourselves we do lots of things for our children, but all children need is time, love, a present parent. He is 14. Be with him and truly make him your priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

Hahaha, maybe they want to live outside the city. How over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents were academically gifted, went to top schools, and worked like crazy. The only thing I knew was that I didn't want to live like them - work all the time, be consumed by the jobs, only talk about the job, have no time for your kids etc. So I get where your son is coming from! I'm a slacker by comparison but satisfied with my life. No regrets.

I feel this so much.

[Anonymous]

I live in the city all my life, I actually strive to live 2 hours outside the city. What does that make me?

[Anonymous]

My 14 year old is the same way. He just doesn’t see the point in the rat race and says it’s better to enjoy life. I point out that life is easier when you have a higher paying job and a nice house but he says he would rather live in a converted bus or van and travel around the country enjoying life surfing and camping.

I sent him for a week over break to a relative’s house in Colorado that lives in a semi-rural place to do physical labor. I thought he would learn that it is tough and he wouldn’t want that type of life. Turns out he loved it and didn’t mind working 8 hours doing physical labor. He said he would be happy dropping out and working on the ranch and skiing on his days off.

[Anonymous]

...When we have kids, we always hope that they will do better than us, accomplish more, be happy of course. However, I really hope that my son isn't giving up on accomplishing anything as there would be very little chance for him to "do better than his old man" in a way....

One of the many problems you and your DH have is that you are equating success to achievement. It's likely that your DS doesn't see you and your DH as 'happy' and that doing things the way you do it will not be fulfilling for him. It's likely he doesn't want his efforts to be compared to his father's efforts (please tell me your DS isn't named after his father). I'm glad that your DS recognizes that's not what he wants.

You say nothing at all about what positive characteristics you and your DH model for you DS. Instead, you seem to be focused on achievement and, indirectly, external validation/praise/recognition. Certainly, your DS should have skills for a job that will support him but you've probably led him to believe his worth is based on what he does/achieved rather than who he is as a person. You should have been nurturing his interests, encouraging him to take risks/stretch himself and then celebrating his efforts (not his achievements) even when he failed. It's only a failure if you never try.

I highly recommend you look into Carol Dweck's work on Mindset.
https://www.mindsetworks.com/science/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000FCKPHG?ref=KC_GS_GB_US