Lack of motivation and parental success

[Anonymous]

This might come off odd to some people, but please hold your judgement. My husband is fairly successful. He's tech related, he's not internet famous but he is well known in his area of focus. Well respected by others, manage a very large team in a large company. He has been interviewed by various semi tech related news sites or international small news focus pubs. He works a ton. I also work, but certainly not at his level.

Anyway, over the past couple years, and certainly not helped by the pandemic, my son now soon turning 14 is really unmotivated. He'll do things if I ask him to, but never on his own. He used to love reading, now he barely picks up a book. He'll play video games, and he will go play outside with his friends, but video games are his primary entertainment, along with Youtube. I know that's very much the life of teens now and not too out of the ordinary.

However, what came across in conversations with him recently when we ask about what he likes to do or not want to do, he has mentioned that he does NOT want to work as hard as my husband. He sees how tired he is. He does know a lot of his accomplishments and I'm getting a sense that my husbands success might be a bit overwhelming for him. When we have kids, we always hope that they will do better than us, accomplish more, be happy of course. However, I really hope that my son isn't giving up on accomplishing anything as there would be very little chance for him to "do better than his old man" in a way.

He seems perfectly fine to aim for a life at a fast food restaurant paying $20/hr. No aspirations at all, hates to compete in anything official even though he's very athletic and in accelerated math etc.

I can't help but wonder if our easy life is making him aimless and really lacking a desire to accomplish anything if being the same or more successful than his dad would be really hard...and he's not willing to or want to work hard to get there.

Anyway, any suggestions in how you get your teen into something new or more motivated as they get older and have to eventually make those college decisions and applications. I'm continuing to be positive, supportive, and giving him ideas on things he could do. I haven't forced him to take on any activities other than 1 sport a season to stay active to balance all his device time. But maybe I should? Anyone else encounter a similar situation? Or maybe he'll just grown out of it and find his own way.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

[Anonymous]

My dad was/is extremely successful and incredibly hard working. He also had multiple heart attacks and had major stress and anger management issues.

I am not super ambitious and have structured my life around balance. I actually do have a high paying job, but I choose to work part time so that I can enjoy more time with my family and more leisure. We are not rich, though we could be much better off if I worked full time. But we would also have much more stress, less time together, less calm.

I would talk to your son about career paths that could ensure he does not have to work long hours or have a super demanding job. I make $80/hr in my part time work, and I got to this point by cultivating a niche specialty in a lucrative industry that often needs people with my expertise. I did have to work more stressful full-time jobs early in my career, but by the time I was 34, I had a great deal of flexibility. That enabled me to build up retirement savings and a financial cushion, and then I was able to transfer into my current set up, where I work part time but still make close to 100k, have a lot of control over when and how I work, and have a great deal of balance in my life.

Make sure your son understands that ambition doesn't just have to be about being famous, being the boss, or being the very best in your field. He can channel his ambition towards a more balanced and fulfilling lifestyle. He can use ambition to set up a life where he always has the time and means to play video games or hang with friends when he wants. Teach him to work smart, not simply hard and long.

[Anonymous]

Sounds pretty normal to me. I've been working on life skills with my teen this summer. Also required her to volunteer at a camp for a week. It was out of her comfort zone but a character-building experience. There seems to be so much focus on individual achievement now (or maybe there always was) but it doesn't seem to make anyone happier. How about having him volunteer or develop some skills and earn a little money? My 14-year-old has to earn her own money for extras (movies, starbucks, etc.) so she started cat-sitting for neighbors, a little babysitting, etc..

Some kids aren't self-motivated (my other child isn't). Help him develop some goals and a plan for achieving them. I tell my students that happiness is like a muscle. You have to develop it, exercise your gifts and strengths. It doesn't just drop out of the sky while we passively wait for it. Maybe he just needs a little help identifying the things he can do that make him feel fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

You’re not raising your kids right. Stuff like that shouldn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds pretty normal to me. I've been working on life skills with my teen this summer. Also required her to volunteer at a camp for a week. It was out of her comfort zone but a character-building experience. There seems to be so much focus on individual achievement now (or maybe there always was) but it doesn't seem to make anyone happier. How about having him volunteer or develop some skills and earn a little money? My 14-year-old has to earn her own money for extras (movies, starbucks, etc.) so she started cat-sitting for neighbors, a little babysitting, etc..

Some kids aren't self-motivated (my other child isn't). Help him develop some goals and a plan for achieving them. I tell my students that happiness is like a muscle. You have to develop it, exercise your gifts and strengths. It doesn't just drop out of the sky while we passively wait for it. Maybe he just needs a little help identifying the things he can do that make him feel fulfilled.

OP here, thanks for the great advice! In fact he as been asking about trying to pet sit on the side. One thing at a time and hope he develops a joy in something beyond video games.

[Anonymous]

He is 13? He is basically talking out of his ass right now.

Signed, mom of 3 boys

[Anonymous]

I have noticed that kids who have a really easy life where everything is kind of handed to them/know that college is paid for and that there is always a cushion to fall back on/ often lack a fire to be successful or have a strong work ethic. I grew up surround by the children of first generation immigrant whose parents sacrificed everything for the kids to have a better life. I'm not saying these friends ended up extremely happy but they are mostly well to do and successful in high level careers. The fire and pressure for their success were ever present. I think helping your kids find a good balance as a previous poster suggested is key. Don't make the cushion too soft.

[Anonymous]

One way to light a fire is to have him actually take a job so he can see how the right choice makes a huge impact. In DC, they have summer employment programs that start at age 14.

[Anonymous]

When I was in college, I worked at a donut shop on the weekends. During a conversation with my dad, I complained about the hours, job etc. He reminded me the only thing about the job that I needed to learn was that I didn’t want to work there the rest of my life. Good lesson to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

The people in those homes are pro athletes, entrepreneurs. Not doctors and lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in college, I worked at a donut shop on the weekends. During a conversation with my dad, I complained about the hours, job etc. He reminded me the only thing about the job that I needed to learn was that I didn’t want to work there the rest of my life. Good lesson to learn.

+1. Working in a fast food restaurant part time for a summer in high school was enough to know that I wanted a desk job

[Anonymous]

Another DCUMer complaining about a kid doing well in school, playing a sport a season, but still not good enough.

[Anonymous]

Do a budget with him. Go look at apartments he could live in making $20/hour? Car payments? What if something breaks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

Lol. What an inspiring story.