Lack of motivation and parental success

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have seen that in one of my kids and in the kid of a friend who is very successful. We were talking the other day about how even though they are in high school, they aren't particularly interested in researching colleges and looking at what it takes to get in. This is so, so unlike our experiences. I was researching colleges (on my own) when I was in seventh grade!

I would think that part of it is taking things for granted because she has a much, much easier life than my husband and I did (we both grew up with hardly any money), but she is very conscious about what things cost and what her life will be like if she doesn't go into a high-paying field. She has even said she wants to go to community college so she doesn't have a lot of student loans (I don't know where the heck that comes from, we have been saving for her college tuition).

What is helping, I think, is that DD is now talking with an advisor at school about college. It seems like this is one of those things that she is more willing to hear from somebody besides her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have seen that in one of my kids and in the kid of a friend who is very successful. We were talking the other day about how even though they are in high school, they aren't particularly interested in researching colleges and looking at what it takes to get in. This is so, so unlike our experiences. I was researching colleges (on my own) when I was in seventh grade!

I would think that part of it is taking things for granted because she has a much, much easier life than my husband and I did (we both grew up with hardly any money), but she is very conscious about what things cost and what her life will be like if she doesn't go into a high-paying field. She has even said she wants to go to community college so she doesn't have a lot of student loans (I don't know where the heck that comes from, we have been saving for her college tuition).

What is helping, I think, is that DD is now talking with an advisor at school about college. It seems like this is one of those things that she is more willing to hear from somebody besides her mom.

OP here and appreciate the constructive suggestions offered. My husband works a lot, but he does make time to spend with my son, building things with him, gardening with him, going to toss a baseball around. He's tired, but he sacrifices his sleep to make family time happen. I have told my husband I want him to try to shift to another job or company that can give him more time to decompress and be less stressed but there are larger considerations to deal with. But I will try to be more conscious of how we are acting and reacting around my son to various news and issues around the home. Having him get a job when he's old enough just to see how life is or how hard it can be is a good path as well. I personally started working very young and at a restaurant but only because we didn't have $ so exposing him to more is def the plan. I know his life experiences are different than me and my husbands and will find his path eventually.

[Anonymous]

Other adult role models help. Other adults they have to please. who hold a bit of their future in their hands. Teen may know they aren't wired the same as their parents but don't know, in what way, they are different. But still successful.

A hard coach, a challenging teacher, a boss.

[Anonymous]

He is 14. He doesn't need to be super motivated to have a career at 14. I was probably the same spot he was at 14. I wanted to be a punk rocker and follow bands around and live on the street (lol).

My mom made me promise I would go to college. I took a gap year and worked and then went to community college and discovered a passion (political science/working on campaigns) and then moved on to something less insane (law) and now work a boring desk job as a lawyer but at least I make money.

I know my story isn't inspiring. But he is young. He doesn't need to have all the answers or a desire to work right now.

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of room in between a highly stressful or competitive job and a fast food job. I sometimes think that’s hard to see for people with a type A mindset, because they think anything lower than the top is a failure. Your son already seems wise enough to realize he doesn’t want the stressful career that your husband has. He wants more balance in life and that’s fine. Smart even. Guide him towards finding a rewarding career that suits his personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might come off odd to some people, but please hold your judgement. My husband is fairly successful. He's tech related, he's not internet famous but he is well known in his area of focus. Well respected by others, manage a very large team in a large company. He has been interviewed by various semi tech related news sites or international small news focus pubs. He works a ton. I also work, but certainly not at his level.

Anyway, over the past couple years, and certainly not helped by the pandemic, my son now soon turning 14 is really unmotivated. He'll do things if I ask him to, but never on his own. He used to love reading, now he barely picks up a book. He'll play video games, and he will go play outside with his friends, but video games are his primary entertainment, along with Youtube. I know that's very much the life of teens now and not too out of the ordinary.

However, what came across in conversations with him recently when we ask about what he likes to do or not want to do, he has mentioned that he does NOT want to work as hard as my husband. He sees how tired he is. He does know a lot of his accomplishments and I'm getting a sense that my husbands success might be a bit overwhelming for him. When we have kids, we always hope that they will do better than us, accomplish more, be happy of course. However, I really hope that my son isn't giving up on accomplishing anything as there would be very little chance for him to "do better than his old man" in a way.

He seems perfectly fine to aim for a life at a fast food restaurant paying $20/hr. No aspirations at all, hates to compete in anything official even though he's very athletic and in accelerated math etc.

I can't help but wonder if our easy life is making him aimless and really lacking a desire to accomplish anything if being the same or more successful than his dad would be really hard...and he's not willing to or want to work hard to get there.

Anyway, any suggestions in how you get your teen into something new or more motivated as they get older and have to eventually make those college decisions and applications. I'm continuing to be positive, supportive, and giving him ideas on things he could do. I haven't forced him to take on any activities other than 1 sport a season to stay active to balance all his device time. But maybe I should? Anyone else encounter a similar situation? Or maybe he'll just grown out of it and find his own way.

If your husband is successful in tech, why does the kid have to be motivated. Nepotism and a large bank account will get him farther than motivation ever could

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds pretty normal to me. I've been working on life skills with my teen this summer. Also required her to volunteer at a camp for a week. It was out of her comfort zone but a character-building experience. There seems to be so much focus on individual achievement now (or maybe there always was) but it doesn't seem to make anyone happier. How about having him volunteer or develop some skills and earn a little money? My 14-year-old has to earn her own money for extras (movies, starbucks, etc.) so she started cat-sitting for neighbors, a little babysitting, etc..

Some kids aren't self-motivated (my other child isn't). Help him develop some goals and a plan for achieving them. I tell my students that happiness is like a muscle. You have to develop it, exercise your gifts and strengths. It doesn't just drop out of the sky while we passively wait for it. Maybe he just needs a little help identifying the things he can do that make him feel fulfilled.

+1
Also, have him begin working ASAP as suggested. Make him earn spending money and once old enough to have a W2 type job, make him work 10-15 hours per week. It will provide insight into what those jobs are really like. Also discuss finances with them. Sure he can work for $15/hr at McD's---but here is what things cost to live in our area---do a full budget/spreadsheet and help him see all the stuff Adults have to pay for. Go house hunting on Zillow in your area and see what homes cost and discuss all the extras (insurance, interest on the mortgage, budgeting for repairs, utilities, yard maintenance), what do cars (and insurance and repairs and registration, etc) cost.....Help him see what his life would be with making only $15-20/hr with no real chances for advancement. That might help light a motivational fire under his ass....because most of our kids are spoiled and do not fully understand what things cost (I'm guilty as a parent).
Explain that with a college degree the doors are opened for more things and more chances of advancement and that there are many career choices that are not working 80+hr/week and still are enjoyable and pay well. It is not work fast food or work in a high pressure/high stress job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in college, I worked at a donut shop on the weekends. During a conversation with my dad, I complained about the hours, job etc. He reminded me the only thing about the job that I needed to learn was that I didn’t want to work there the rest of my life. Good lesson to learn.

+1

One college summer I could only secure a 4 day/week job in an office, so I worked 2 more days at a fast food joint (Fri/Sat/Sun). I was a highly motivated, top of my class kid attending a T20 university. Yet it still made me highly motivated to do well and not end up in a job like that. Always said everyone should be made to work a few months in Fast food in HS, as it would motivate many many kids to strive for more. I mean, I worked with kids who were going into their 3rd attempt at 11th grade, had never been allowed to work cash register in their 2 years there (think 35 years ago, back when people paid with cash and the cashiers had to actually make change), would call in sick if they just didn't feel like working that day, etc. Meanwhile I was trained on cash register for lunch rush my first day because we were short staffed (manager did drive thru, I did the main register) because they trusted me more than anyone else in that day. I hated that job because I was working with people (mostly except for a few) who had no motivation in life, no desire to do more than the bare minimum, etc. So as a lower income kid who had the goal to change my direction in life, I was extremely motivated by those working conditions and knew I never wanted a full time job doing that---it was hard work, boring, and you were surrounded largely by people who didn't care and often didn't do their job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14 year old is the same way. He just doesn’t see the point in the rat race and says it’s better to enjoy life. I point out that life is easier when you have a higher paying job and a nice house but he says he would rather live in a converted bus or van and travel around the country enjoying life surfing and camping.

I sent him for a week over break to a relative’s house in Colorado that lives in a semi-rural place to do physical labor. I thought he would learn that it is tough and he wouldn’t want that type of life. Turns out he loved it and didn’t mind working 8 hours doing physical labor. He said he would be happy dropping out and working on the ranch and skiing on his days off.

Umm, can he afford skiing as a hobby doing physical labor though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to I live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

Entitled. elitist. Obnoxious.

Jokes on you because a number of those homes are owned by the inherited wealthy. Next time your kid sees someone working a second job as a janitor it’s good to know that his mom has taught him that person didn’t work hard enough…


The privilege dripping from your post is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to I live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

Entitled. elitist. Obnoxious.

Jokes on you because a number of those homes are owned by the inherited wealthy. Next time your kid sees someone working a second job as a janitor it’s good to know that his mom has taught him that person didn’t work hard enough…I


The privilege dripping from your post is disgusting.

Hopefully, the nanny is teaching the children some different values and empathy.

[Anonymous]

He's only 14. So much will change. My kid reinvented himself in college. I would have never guessed. Used to love reading, but stopped around the same age. Still not reading, but has a very impressive resume.

Give yourself a break and focus on who he is right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a cushion growing up and I’m pretty unambitious.

I have a great life. I have time for my family, we love each other, we have enough money to feel safe and fulfilled, and my children will have the education to pursue whatever they want to pursue.

There’s more to life than being interviewed by trade publications or having a big house by the river.

I don’t want to “light a fire” under my children. They are their own people. It’s not up to me what they decide to do with their short time on the planet.

Agreed. However, we do try to ensure our kids are not "too cushy" as we could provide them with pretty much anything they wanted. But we want them to have some value of money and a some desire to go far in life and achieve something (whatever is important to them).

For example: when TS was in our area, several of my Teenage DD friends attended, many with excellent seats, most with "aftermarket purchases". My DD would have loved to go, but knows there is no way in hell we are paying well over $1-2K per ticket for that to happen....my DD said "it's ridiculous to spend that much money on just a concert ticket---it's just a concert" So while she knows we could easily afford to do that (and if she'd begged to have it be xmas or birthday gift we might have done it), she gets why we wouldn't do that---and I'm happy my kid has learned some of the values of time and money we have attempted to instill in her, despite the fact she's had a UMC to now wealthy upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

2 hours outside the city!! The horror!

Well if the job is in the city, that is not a fun way to live. a 2-3 hour commute daily would be miserable and not allow you to be around much for your family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14 year old is the same way. He just doesn’t see the point in the rat race and says it’s better to enjoy life. I point out that life is easier when you have a higher paying job and a nice house but he says he would rather live in a converted bus or van and travel around the country enjoying life surfing and camping.

I sent him for a week over break to a relative’s house in Colorado that lives in a semi-rural place to do physical labor. I thought he would learn that it is tough and he wouldn’t want that type of life. Turns out he loved it and didn’t mind working 8 hours doing physical labor. He said he would be happy dropping out and working on the ranch and skiing on his days off.

So make him at least finish HS, then let him explore and do just that. Might lead to a skilled trade job that would be more interesting to him long term than a typical job after college