Lack of motivation and parental success

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might come off odd to some people, but please hold your judgement. My husband is fairly successful. He's tech related, he's not internet famous but he is well known in his area of focus. Well respected by others, manage a very large team in a large company. He has been interviewed by various semi tech related news sites or international small news focus pubs. He works a ton. I also work, but certainly not at his level.

Anyway, over the past couple years, and certainly not helped by the pandemic, my son now soon turning 14 is really unmotivated. He'll do things if I ask him to, but never on his own. He used to love reading, now he barely picks up a book. He'll play video games, and he will go play outside with his friends, but video games are his primary entertainment, along with Youtube. I know that's very much the life of teens now and not too out of the ordinary.

However, what came across in conversations with him recently when we ask about what he likes to do or not want to do, he has mentioned that he does NOT want to work as hard as my husband. He sees how tired he is. He does know a lot of his accomplishments and I'm getting a sense that my husbands success might be a bit overwhelming for him. When we have kids, we always hope that they will do better than us, accomplish more, be happy of course. However, I really hope that my son isn't giving up on accomplishing anything as there would be very little chance for him to "do better than his old man" in a way.

He seems perfectly fine to aim for a life at a fast food restaurant paying $20/hr. No aspirations at all, hates to compete in anything official even though he's very athletic and in accelerated math etc.

I can't help but wonder if our easy life is making him aimless and really lacking a desire to accomplish anything if being the same or more successful than his dad would be really hard...and he's not willing to or want to work hard to get there.

Anyway, any suggestions in how you get your teen into something new or more motivated as they get older and have to eventually make those college decisions and applications. I'm continuing to be positive, supportive, and giving him ideas on things he could do. I haven't forced him to take on any activities other than 1 sport a season to stay active to balance all his device time. But maybe I should? Anyone else encounter a similar situation? Or maybe he'll just grown out of it and find his own way.

If your husband is successful in tech, why does the kid have to be motivated. Nepotism and a large bank account will get him farther than motivation ever could

+1. Most rich kids aren’t motivated. But their life is laid out for them

One of the wealthiest families we knew growing up had 5 kids. Dad was the managing partner at a Big 4 accounting firm in our city. They continue to spend lavishly on their adult children and grandchildren. The problem is that none of the children make any signficiant money. 2 are teachers are they are doing the "best". One works at a restaurant, one at Home Depot and one at a doctor's office (but not a nurse.) None of the married ones have spouses making good income. So once the parents die and the money is divided 5 ways, it will only last so long and there certainly won't be enough for the grandchildren in adulthood. Hope the grandkids have more motivation than the kids, else there will be huge lifestyle drop off at some point.

If this is the case, then they’re not really that wealthy. Just foolish in spending lavishly on their kids.

[Anonymous]

If my kid is contributing to the world (nurse, teacher, librarian, scientist), I would be happy to help out financially.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is 14. They have no clue what they’re going to be doing later in life. I grew up like your kid did. My mom worked outside the home but my dad was the breadwinner. My dad left for work before I woke up in the morning and would often get home after I went to bed. But he was well known in DC. Whoop-de-doo good for him. That prestige and power didn’t make him available much as a dad but I grew up in what some would consider a prestigious suburb and went to a W school. So there was privilege as a result of his career. I’d have traded all of it in a second for parents who were around and available.

I work for the federal government in a mid-level job. I absolutely love what I do, am passionate about the mission of the organization and have a great work-life balance. My financial needs are met and I have the flexibility to take time for my kids.

It’s not always about the money OP. Your 14 year old kid is trying to teach you a very valuable lesson.

[Anonymous]

Of course a kid will be scared off by an adult who does nothing but work, if that adult doesn't communicate that they find fulfillment in their work! And working long hours isn't necessarily the key to success. I don't think you should worry about your child, OP. I think you should reframe the lifestyles you are modeling for him. Obviously he only sees the toil, not the joy.

My youngest nephew was completely turned off as a young teen by his older siblings' demanding academic tracks (med school and vet school for the two oldest, and hotel work for the third, which turned out to have equally long hours). He told his parents he didn't want to suffer like his older brothers and sisters, and his parents had to talk him into studying and applying to college. Now he's doing very well as a young engineer, and is in a much better frame of mind. I think it's a mix of adolescent angst, concern about not measuring up to relatives or peers, and sadness at seeing a future life all laid out and prescribed. Remind your son that he can choose what he wants to do in life!

We're an academic, but ADHD/ASD family. We can only work hard on our areas of interest, otherwise it's not possible for us to sustain our attention. So I've told my kids that they have to get degrees in whatever they are passionate about, so they can power through whatever workplace or life issues crop up. My oldest has always had very defined interests, and is pursuing a degree in one of them. My 13 year old doesn't yet know what to do, which is normal, and I find it entirely acceptable for someone her age to relax during the summer. I am confident she will find her path.

[Anonymous]

Too much BS about the 14 year old teaching op a lesson. Kid is just being lazy. He’s not that deep, at least not yet.

He’ll grow op, and will understand. I would not worry as long as he’s doing well.

Just because your husband was/continues to be a high achiever, doesn’t mean that your kids needs to be one too. That’s ok as long as the kid still succeeds. He doesn’t need to surpass your husband.

14 year old boys have no clue about life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

You’re not raising your kids right. Stuff like that shouldn’t matter.

plenty of people who work hard and live in small houses or live two hours outside of the city. your definition of success is very limited and seems to revolve around money. nurses, teachers, urban planners, psychologists, etc. aren’t stupid/failures/lazy, etc. There isn’t anything wrong with pursuing money and it’s great if you are good at something and passionate about something that affords you a comfortable lifestyle but it’s toxic to teach your children that you must live life a particular way to be successful or fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both attorneys. My job is particularly challenging with travel and litigation. None of my kids want to be an attorney. They see the stress, long hours, constantly on the computer. It looks like he11 to them.

For my older child, we went driving along the Potomac and my kid noticed the big, beautiful homes. He asked who lives in those homes. I told him people who did really well in school and college. That lit a fire under him. Sometimes kids need to see the reality of choices. Do you want to live on a small home 2 hours outside of the city? No, then work hard.

You’re not raising your kids right. Stuff like that shouldn’t matter.

plenty of people who work hard and live in small houses or live two hours outside of the city. your definition of success is very limited and seems to revolve around money. nurses, teachers, urban planners, psychologists, etc. aren’t stupid/failures/lazy, etc. There isn’t anything wrong with pursuing money and it’s great if you are good at something and passionate about something that affords you a comfortable lifestyle but it’s toxic to teach your children that you must live life a particular way to be successful or fulfilled.

but how many of them grew up in multimillion dollar homes? OP's kid is used to a certain lifestyle. growing up modestly and continuing on the same path is very different from having a guided childhood.

[Anonymous]

People really have these questions about 14 year olds?

Try letting them be kids.

[Anonymous]

Don't focus on the job opportunity as an adult. Focus on his present job. His job as a 14 yr old is to do very well in school and master all the subjects he is taught.

Other than that? Adulting skills - cleaning, cooking, nutrition, exercise, laundry, learning how to drive , how to host, money management and budgeting, organizing his time, taking care of his health.

Expand his world - travel, museums, documentaries.

Teach him to socialize, good manners, volunteer work, teach him different culture, religions etc.

Get him involved with creating video games, content creation and app development.

[Anonymous]

I think that the Pandemic has taught kids and many adults the value of balance and placing a premium on what’s truly important. It doesn’t mean that kids won’t mature and learn to work hard, but it does mean that may not be striving for accolades and 80hrs work weeks or requiring more work travel than time spent with family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too much BS about the 14 year old teaching op a lesson. Kid is just being lazy. He’s not that deep, at least not yet.

He’ll grow op, and will understand. I would not worry as long as he’s doing well.

Just because your husband was/continues to be a high achiever, doesn’t mean that your kids needs to be one too. That’s ok as long as the kid still succeeds. He doesn’t need to surpass your husband.

14 year old boys have no clue about life.

+100
kids are clueless, they don't know about "balance" because they don't understand what needs to be balanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My children are welcome to pursue any career or job that they want. But we often talk about the necessity of having a job that affords the lifestyle that each child wants.

Someone people are happy with much les. Some people will work harder to have more material possessions. Only if there is a disconnection between the two is there a problem.

Yes!!! Be a teacher or social worker or whatever you want. But if you have a desire to drive luxury cars, take 2 fancy vacations a year to Hawaii or Europe, eat out 3-4x/week, etc then perhaps your career cannot support the desired lifestyle. So you need to either adjust your career path or adjust your lifestyle choices. You can't have both of them sometimes, so you must pick

Similarly, don't take more college loans than 1x what your starting salary will likely be. So yes, engineers/CS majors could take a bit more in loans, but if you are a theater major, probably better to have minimal loans

[Anonymous]

the problem is, young people often think they won't care about cars or hotels or really any kind of comfort. but it turns, when they hit a certain age, they do care.

[Anonymous]

Hi dcurbanmom.com webmaster, Your posts are always well-referenced and credible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another DCUMer complaining about a kid doing well in school, playing a sport a season, but still not good enough.

+1 Why do UMC DMVers go out of their way to make their kids feel bad?