Feeling Lonely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but you make friends in college and then your kids friends parents in elementary school. If you haven’t done it by now you aren’t going to have any

That is stinking, self-defeating thinking. It’s harder to make friends outside of those life stages (especially with an attitude like yours) but it’s definitely possible.

I made basically all my friends post college and pre-kids. I have a couple good friends from grad school and one good mom friend, but otherwise all my friends were people I met through work, hobbies, and volunteering in my 20s and 30s.

I have actually found that making friends through my kids school is not easy at all. We’d like to be friendlier with those families but I have found people are pretty arms length and not receptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound sympathetic OP but you need to do some honest introspection to see if you’re the problem. I have a not that great friend I meet up with occasionally when she initiates. She’s passive aggressive, competitive, anxious, and just not fun to be around. I know she’s pushed away other friends and feels lonely, so I put up with her. My other friends are pleasant and easygoing and we like hanging out so we meet up often.

Not OP, but I'm like your friend and I'm aware of it. There are reasons for it and it sucks more for me than it does for anyone who "puts up" with me. It doesn't change that I'm lonely.

If you don’t mind my asking, what are the reasons for your behavior? If my friend wasn’t so competitive and always on the offensive, I’d try to get closer and understand where she’s coming from. Right now, I just think she’s a jerk or has a personality disorder.

PP here. Truthfully, I don't think I'm competitive. I'm insecure and often respond defensively to things that people thing are normal conversation, because I have a different background than they do. Like most of our friends have housecleaners, but we do not as we cannot justify it -- I work part time and technically have time to clean. But I don't like that I work part-time, I'm insecure about our finances and wish we had more money, and I would love to have housecleaners.

So I might be talking to a friend who is frustrated with her housecleaner. And I'll nod along at first but then I'll get annoyed and also feel awkward because, uh, I can't relate. So I'll say something like "yeah, I don't know, our house cleaner is super cheap because I clean my own house." And on the one hand this is true and is coming from a place, actually, of feeling defensive. But I know it gets interpreted as me acting superior, because of how I say it, and it sound like I'm being competitive, like "I do sooo much and you just have help." Though typing that out, honestly, that is how I feel -- I do so much and other people have help and I'm frustrated about it. I guess you could say I'm bitter. I don't know.

Point is, I'm in this uncomfortable situation where I feel like I can't relate to the stuff other people talk about and I can't relate to them as a peer, and it makes me defensive and also annoyed, and I know that comes off as competitive and negative. Maybe it is. But it's not because I think I'm better than anyone, it's because I think I'm not as good and it makes me feel bad and all my frustrating behaviors are just kind of an outgrowth of the fact that I feel bad about myself all the time.

Like I said, it sucks more to be me than to be around me, even if that sucks too. Sorry.

You are surprisingly self aware for someone so entrenched in negative thought and behavior patterns that are pervasive enough to alienate you socially. There is hope for you - it would benefit you to work on this in therapy, maybe even a group.

Thank you, yes — I think I’m pretty self-aware and reflective. I have been to therapy but have never found a therapist who is very good at addressing my negative thought patterns and have had better luck just doing CBT and DBT workbooks on my own. I actually don’t think I’ll ever be “normal” in the way a lot of people want me to be, as I have a lot of past trauma including serious abuse and neglect from my childhood that I think just kind of marks me in ways I’m never going to totally shake.

But I responded to the PP who was complaining about her friend because I think sometimes people assume that when someone is hard to talk to or engages in dysfunctional communication, it’s somehow working for them and meeting their needs. It’s not. It’s harder to be that person than to be friends with that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster. Im lonely a lot of the time and noticed I’ve been turning off my longstanding friends through my behavior. I guess I’m a little/lot self involved. I tend to think the little everyday things going on in my life are very dramatic and need to be discussed (problem with mom? Neighbor? Boss? Crazy interaction on the street?). I’m realizing this is tiring to my friends who also have their own everyday dramas going on. It’s not like I don’t have an outlet for discussion — my spouse is a super listener. I just, feel a compulsion to tell my longstanding friends these things as they happen. I’m sure I have a problem with compulsivity and adhd. I’m a decent listener but these longstanding friends are sick of me and don’t tell me their problems anymore And now I’m telling an anonymous forum. I guess thats a step in the right direction…..

Hi PP, this doesn’t sound bad to me. Everyone needs to vent. If I were your friend, it wouldn’t bother me at all.

I used to be more like you but am not anymore, even though my spouse is not a great listener.

But then it turned out a close friend who used to love to listen to me talk about stuff, and would actively solicit me to talk about whatever was going on in my life, was then using that info to spread a bunch of rumors about me. She liked listening to me because she thought I was ridiculous and said as much to other people when she told them ALL my personal business, often with some embellishments and heavy editorializing.

I’m lonely now and don’t really talk to anyone, including my spouse, but I guess lonely is better than ridiculed and humiliated. There are worse things than lonely.

Oh wow, that’s terrible! I don’t think my longstanding friends would spread rumors about me because they’re not part of any other social network I have (they’re not local). I don’t know, it just seems like over the past few years their phone calls and texts have dried up and their interest in my life seems obligatory when pressed. But also, I do find that when they talk about their own problems I just can’t relate, so maybe they just can’t relate to me either, anymore. For instance, one friend had a baby a few years ago and complained to me that she teaches one class part time and it’s so awful that she has to give up time with her baby for 2 hours a week. My jaw literally fell to the floor as I had literally two hours to spend with my children during the workweek when they were infants and I was working a full time job (before I tok a more reasonable 40 hour a week job). So I think we’re not on the same page and each thinks the others’ problems are lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound sympathetic OP but you need to do some honest introspection to see if you’re the problem. I have a not that great friend I meet up with occasionally when she initiates. She’s passive aggressive, competitive, anxious, and just not fun to be around. I know she’s pushed away other friends and feels lonely, so I put up with her. My other friends are pleasant and easygoing and we like hanging out so we meet up often.

Not OP, but I'm like your friend and I'm aware of it. There are reasons for it and it sucks more for me than it does for anyone who "puts up" with me. It doesn't change that I'm lonely.

If you don’t mind my asking, what are the reasons for your behavior? If my friend wasn’t so competitive and always on the offensive, I’d try to get closer and understand where she’s coming from. Right now, I just think she’s a jerk or has a personality disorder.

PP here. Truthfully, I don't think I'm competitive. I'm insecure and often respond defensively to things that people thing are normal conversation, because I have a different background than they do. Like most of our friends have housecleaners, but we do not as we cannot justify it -- I work part time and technically have time to clean. But I don't like that I work part-time, I'm insecure about our finances and wish we had more money, and I would love to have housecleaners.

So I might be talking to a friend who is frustrated with her housecleaner. And I'll nod along at first but then I'll get annoyed and also feel awkward because, uh, I can't relate. So I'll say something like "yeah, I don't know, our house cleaner is super cheap because I clean my own house." And on the one hand this is true and is coming from a place, actually, of feeling defensive. But I know it gets interpreted as me acting superior, because of how I say it, and it sound like I'm being competitive, like "I do sooo much and you just have help." Though typing that out, honestly, that is how I feel -- I do so much and other people have help and I'm frustrated about it. I guess you could say I'm bitter. I don't know.

Point is, I'm in this uncomfortable situation where I feel like I can't relate to the stuff other people talk about and I can't relate to them as a peer, and it makes me defensive and also annoyed, and I know that comes off as competitive and negative. Maybe it is. But it's not because I think I'm better than anyone, it's because I think I'm not as good and it makes me feel bad and all my frustrating behaviors are just kind of an outgrowth of the fact that I feel bad about myself all the time.

Like I said, it sucks more to be me than to be around me, even if that sucks too. Sorry.

Thanks for your thoughtful and honest reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I identify with everything you said. I used to be social with various friend groups. I don’t know what happened…but it’s embarrassing. Everyone is going out with friends and I’m always home alone.

I don't think everyone is going out. I could have written the OP's post and I very much agree that things changed during Covid and there are now a lot of very lonely and disconnected people. (and yes, there are others who are very happy
to no longer have social obligations).

I sometimes feel like I'm alone but then I look at my block. I live in AU Park--neighborhood of families, kids, etc. Known to be super social, etc. Well, on a typical Friday or Saturday night EVERY single family on my block (10 families) is at home. No one is
entertaining. I don't track the cars (no, I'm not a weird stalker) but I typically walk my dog around 7pm down the block and I know the cars (because I know the neighbors and day-after-day you know who drives what, etc). Well there is no one coming or going (all cars are sitting in front of the homes) and no one is ever having a BBQ or back yard party. We're all sitting in our homes.
It's striking. I really think people's socializing has been dialed way back over the past 2-3 years (by choice or not by choice)

That’s just your weird block. Everyone I know is out all three days of the weekend including us

Tt's not a weird block. I don't know anyone who is out 3 weekend nights. However, we're all close to 50. Our kids are no longer young. We're no longer "socializing our kids".
When I was in my late 30s I was far more social--going to kid's sporting events all the time, kid's parties, etc. We were rarely home on the weekends. Daytime things would turn into evening dinners with other families.
We vacationed with other families, etc.
Things calm down a lot when your kids get older---which is part of OP's post. Once the kid stuff, sports stuff, school crowd, mom group, etc social things end (people move, kids grow up) it can get pretty lonely.
It's especially lonely for some of us who went through this transition during Covid (entered Covid with a late elementary school kid, came out the other end with a high schooler). People moved, families changed schools, etc.
This was my demographic and my social world.
I never lived in DC pre-kids (moved her with a 2 year old) so I didn't have a social world here that didn't involve kids. My most recent job has been entirely remote.
There are many of us that don't have a pre-kids DC social life.

The good news is that my kids (now all teenagers) have fabulous social lives. They are out Fri and Sat nights every weeks. All my socializing paid off in spades for them. So I did my job.
Just trying to pick up the pieces of my own life at this point.

[Anonymous]

I have seen many posts on this forum from people in similar situations over the years OP so am wondering if this is due to the area that you live in.

I live in Southern CA & find it easy here to make friends.
People in my area are very friendly, easy to talk to + the social circles around where I live are very diverse.

I am not suggesting that you move (Lol!) - but am thinking perhaps you may need to try a bit harder to find friends.

Are there any social, online sites or apps that you can utilize in order to meet up w/others who may share a mutual interest?

I.e., book clubs, hiking groups, etc.?
Do you have a passion for helping others?
Maybe volunteer w/a large organization where you will be around a lot of people.

Or you could sign up for a free adult Ed course at your local Adult Ed Centre.
Or even an exercise, dance, tennis, etc. class at your local Community College.

You may have to do some legwork in the process but I say keep on trying, do not give up.

You are surely bound to find new people who you can count on as future friends❣️👍🏽

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I “have” a group of friends that I get together with every month or every other month. The problem is one of them would call
me and say something like
“ we are planning this event on so and so on hope you can make it/ can join.
I mean the date never gets discussed with me beforehand with me - that bothers me.
I guess maybe I can also initiate and haven't done so much due to fam obligations…but I dont know still make me feel strange sometimes.

I don’t understand - it sounds like they are telling you the date when they call you up. Do you mean you think they should check with you ahead of time to make sure you are available? It doesn’t usually work like that for larger gatherings.

What I meant was .. obviously the dates are discussed among the group when to have an event - once that date is decided then they ask me instead am I available instead of discussing the possible dates with me as well before finalizing. So sometimes feels like I am not in the “group” .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I “have” a group of friends that I get together with every month or every other month. The problem is one of them would call
me and say something like
“ we are planning this event on so and so on hope you can make it/ can join.
I mean the date never gets discussed with me beforehand with me - that bothers me.
I guess maybe I can also initiate and haven't done so much due to fam obligations…but I dont know still make me feel strange sometimes.

I don’t understand - it sounds like they are telling you the date when they call you up. Do you mean you think they should check with you ahead of time to make sure you are available? It doesn’t usually work like that for larger gatherings.

What I meant was .. obviously the dates are discussed among the group when to have an event - once that date is decided then they ask me instead am I available instead of discussing the possible dates with me as well before finalizing. So sometimes feels like I am not in the “group” .

I think you’d feel less lonely if you weren’t that stuck up about “dates” - who cares what dates are discussed. They organize meetings and invite you and you still complain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I identify with everything you said. I used to be social with various friend groups. I don’t know what happened…but it’s embarrassing. Everyone is going out with friends and I’m always home alone.

I don't think everyone is going out. I could have written the OP's post and I very much agree that things changed during Covid and there are now a lot of very lonely and disconnected people. (and yes, there are others who are very happy
to no longer have social obligations).

I sometimes feel like I'm alone but then I look at my block. I live in AU Park--neighborhood of families, kids, etc. Known to be super social, etc. Well, on a typical Friday or Saturday night EVERY single family on my block (10 families) is at home. No one is
entertaining. I don't track the cars (no, I'm not a weird stalker) but I typically walk my dog around 7pm down the block and I know the cars (because I know the neighbors and day-after-day you know who drives what, etc). Well there is no one coming or going (all cars are sitting in front of the homes) and no one is ever having a BBQ or back yard party. We're all sitting in our homes.
It's striking. I really think people's socializing has been dialed way back over the past 2-3 years (by choice or not by choice)

That’s just your weird block. Everyone I know is out all three days of the weekend including us

Tt's not a weird block. I don't know anyone who is out 3 weekend nights. However, we're all close to 50. Our kids are no longer young. We're no longer "socializing our kids".
When I was in my late 30s I was far more social--going to kid's sporting events all the time, kid's parties, etc. We were rarely home on the weekends. Daytime things would turn into evening dinners with other families.
We vacationed with other families, etc.
Things calm down a lot when your kids get older---which is part of OP's post. Once the kid stuff, sports stuff, school crowd, mom group, etc social things end (people move, kids grow up) it can get pretty lonely.
It's especially lonely for some of us who went through this transition during Covid (entered Covid with a late elementary school kid, came out the other end with a high schooler). People moved, families changed schools, etc.
This was my demographic and my social world.
I never lived in DC pre-kids (moved her with a 2 year old) so I didn't have a social world here that didn't involve kids. My most recent job has been entirely remote.
There are many of us that don't have a pre-kids DC social life.

The good news is that my kids (now all teenagers) have fabulous social lives. They are out Fri and Sat nights every weeks. All my socializing paid off in spades for them. So I did my job.
Just trying to pick up the pieces of my own life at this point.

That’s strange that you get together less now that your kids are older. I noticed that between working and having kids I barely had time for friends. Now that my kids are independent (teens), I have so much more bandwidth to reconnect with old friends. It’s been great!