Feeling Lonely

[Anonymous]

I’ve been having feelings of loneliness lately and no one would know from the outside looking in but it’s really getting me down. I do have friends and am social but my circles seem to be dwindling and it seems like those friends all have their groups that they travel with or host parties with or do family things together with their kids and I’m not part of those groups. I feel like when we’re retired, we won’t have any friends to do those things with since we don’t even have that now and the prospect of that is just lonely. I have to work hard to see friends-I have to host or initiate or be the one to communicate. Otherwise they’re off doing other stuff and I’m not involved. And a friend of 40 years is pretty much ghosting me unless she needs or wants something from me and seems too busy to ever see me but then I see her on Facebook getting together with other friends and I only see her if I initiate or try to pin her down, and I think that is just making things worse. I just get the feeling if I basically disappeared or never initiated with anyone no one would really notice.

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what you are feeing, sometimes even I feel the same.

I listen to this song, it helps me to articulate my feelings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEMhFRHMzoY

May be exercise, or go for a walk outdoors, I joined a book club using meet-up and met like minded people.

[Anonymous]

You sound sympathetic OP but you need to do some honest introspection to see if you’re the problem. I have a not that great friend I meet up with occasionally when she initiates. She’s passive aggressive, competitive, anxious, and just not fun to be around. I know she’s pushed away other friends and feels lonely, so I put up with her. My other friends are pleasant and easygoing and we like hanging out so we meet up often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound sympathetic OP but you need to do some honest introspection to see if you’re the problem. I have a not that great friend I meet up with occasionally when she initiates. She’s passive aggressive, competitive, anxious, and just not fun to be around. I know she’s pushed away other friends and feels lonely, so I put up with her. My other friends are pleasant and easygoing and we like hanging out so we meet up often.

No not to toot my own horn but I’m not if those things, well except maybe anxious but not overly. I’m nice to all my friends. I show up on your doorstep if you need me and I’m always there to be a good friend. I have no idea why I feel the odd one out. It sucks and it definitely is making me question my entire self-am I the problem and why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound sympathetic OP but you need to do some honest introspection to see if you’re the problem. I have a not that great friend I meet up with occasionally when she initiates. She’s passive aggressive, competitive, anxious, and just not fun to be around. I know she’s pushed away other friends and feels lonely, so I put up with her. My other friends are pleasant and easygoing and we like hanging out so we meet up often.

Not OP, but I'm like your friend and I'm aware of it. There are reasons for it and it sucks more for me than it does for anyone who "puts up" with me. It doesn't change that I'm lonely.

[Anonymous]

Same. I identify with everything you said. I used to be social with various friend groups. I don’t know what happened…but it’s embarrassing. Everyone is going out with friends and I’m always home alone.

[Anonymous]

I think there are many of us in the same boat especially in this area. It's harder as kids get older and choose their own friends or we find that the friends of convenience (from the neighborhood) are not really our cup of tea.

I feel this way too but stay hopeful that things will change especially when my kids leave the nest because right now it feels like I barely have time to invest what it would take to forget a true friendship.

[Anonymous]

Same, OP. Even ghosted by a friend of 30 years. There are frequently posts like this on DCUM. I really think a meet up would be great.

[Anonymous]

I think for many of us Covid was a pivotal event because I know for me and my spouse, we were more social pre-Covid but then people's social groups narrowed a lot during Covid and people stopped getting together with larger groups.

Like we used to socialize fairly frequently with two other couples and their kids, but during Covid they socialized with each other but rarely invited us. And they both have homes with large outdoor spaces, making Covid-era socializing with families easier, but we don't have this and couldn't host. Plus their kids are closer in age to each other than ours. So it's not like they dropped us, but we did get squeezed out of the group. I'm not offended by it, but it still hurts, and it has impacted our social experience.

Also, during Covid people just basically stopped making new friends. You couldn't form friendships with other couples and families in this same way because everything was remote and even when things were in person, Covid made people more wary of strangers. It's better now but people are still far less open to new friendships than pre-Covid, in my experience. Especially true with family friendships. There are families at my kids' school that it's kind of strange we aren't more friendly because our kids get along well and we're same age and live in the same area. But people are socializing more with established friends and family, and we're cordial but don't hang out. This feels like a difference from pre-Covid.

So the combination of losing friendships during Covid, and people being slower to make new friends or not making new friends, inevitably means that more people are lonely and feeling isolated.

[Anonymous]

So am I OP. I think loneliness is an epidemic.

[Anonymous]

The post had an article about apps to connect with friends but I think (at 51) I am too old for them. All the people featured were millennials.

[Anonymous]

Maybe stop being on your phones all the time and go make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe stop being on your phones all the time and go make friends.

Chicken/egg. Do I not have more friends because I'm on my phone all the time, or am I on my phone all the time to deal with the loneliness of having few friends? What if I try to make friends but when I go places to do so, everyone is on their phones?

Your comments supposes there is a group of people out having friends but not on their phones, and a separate group of people on their phones without any friends. This is false -- people with lots of friends are on their phones all the time, texting their friends and posting photos with friends and also just because people in general in our culture are on their phones all the time.

You can't blame loneliness on individual phone use, sorry.

(typed on my computer, as I'm out at a coffeeshop trying to get some work done but feeling lonely which is why I'm talking to people on DCUM -- everyone here is on their phone)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for many of us Covid was a pivotal event because I know for me and my spouse, we were more social pre-Covid but then people's social groups narrowed a lot during Covid and people stopped getting together with larger groups.

Like we used to socialize fairly frequently with two other couples and their kids, but during Covid they socialized with each other but rarely invited us. And they both have homes with large outdoor spaces, making Covid-era socializing with families easier, but we don't have this and couldn't host. Plus their kids are closer in age to each other than ours. So it's not like they dropped us, but we did get squeezed out of the group. I'm not offended by it, but it still hurts, and it has impacted our social experience.

Also, during Covid people just basically stopped making new friends. You couldn't form friendships with other couples and families in this same way because everything was remote and even when things were in person, Covid made people more wary of strangers. It's better now but people are still far less open to new friendships than pre-Covid, in my experience. Especially true with family friendships. There are families at my kids' school that it's kind of strange we aren't more friendly because our kids get along well and we're same age and live in the same area. But people are socializing more with established friends and family, and we're cordial but don't hang out. This feels like a difference from pre-Covid.

So the combination of losing friendships during Covid, and people being slower to make new friends or not making new friends, inevitably means that more people are lonely and feeling isolated.

Yes! There is a clear difference between my social life pre Covid and post. People stopped hanging out, people moved away, and people found new friends.

Another issue: my friends have always been through my kid’s school. Well, their school and friends have changed (multiple times over!), and people i used to be close with have all gone separate ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound sympathetic OP but you need to do some honest introspection to see if you’re the problem. I have a not that great friend I meet up with occasionally when she initiates. She’s passive aggressive, competitive, anxious, and just not fun to be around. I know she’s pushed away other friends and feels lonely, so I put up with her. My other friends are pleasant and easygoing and we like hanging out so we meet up often.

Not OP, but I'm like your friend and I'm aware of it. There are reasons for it and it sucks more for me than it does for anyone who "puts up" with me. It doesn't change that I'm lonely.

If you don’t mind my asking, what are the reasons for your behavior? If my friend wasn’t so competitive and always on the offensive, I’d try to get closer and understand where she’s coming from. Right now, I just think she’s a jerk or has a personality disorder.