Feeling Lonely

[Anonymous]

Some of the best (and wisest) friends I had were 20+ years older than me. Seeing things through their eyes and stage of life was insightful and gave me introspection. Friends don't always have to be contemporaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I identify with everything you said. I used to be social with various friend groups. I don’t know what happened…but it’s embarrassing. Everyone is going out with friends and I’m always home alone.

I don't think everyone is going out. I could have written the OP's post and I very much agree that things changed during Covid and there are now a lot of very lonely and disconnected people. (and yes, there are others who are very happy
to no longer have social obligations).

I sometimes feel like I'm alone but then I look at my block. I live in AU Park--neighborhood of families, kids, etc. Known to be super social, etc. Well, on a typical Friday or Saturday night EVERY single family on my block (10 families) is at home. No one is
entertaining. I don't track the cars (no, I'm not a weird stalker) but I typically walk my dog around 7pm down the block and I know the cars (because I know the neighbors and day-after-day you know who drives what, etc). Well there is no one coming or going (all cars are sitting in front of the homes) and no one is ever having a BBQ or back yard party. We're all sitting in our homes.
It's striking. I really think people's socializing has been dialed way back over the past 2-3 years (by choice or not by choice)

That’s just your weird block. Everyone I know is out all three days of the weekend including us

I cannot relate. That sounds horrible to be out every night like that at this age. Are you in your 20’s?

DP. In my late 30’s and have some social activity going on both days almost every weekend, not 3 days every weekend like PP, and you get used to it. It’s better than being alone and worth it to socialize our kids.

Do you not enjoy being alone? An ideal weekend for me would be to have dinner/drinks with a few close girlfriends and then one night alone or with DH watching movies and connecting.

Three days of weekend socializing would tap me out, and other areas of my life would feel neglected.

[Anonymous]

New poster. Im lonely a lot of the time and noticed I’ve been turning off my longstanding friends through my behavior. I guess I’m a little/lot self involved. I tend to think the little everyday things going on in my life are very dramatic and need to be discussed (problem with mom? Neighbor? Boss? Crazy interaction on the street?). I’m realizing this is tiring to my friends who also have their own everyday dramas going on. It’s not like I don’t have an outlet for discussion — my spouse is a super listener. I just, feel a compulsion to tell my longstanding friends these things as they happen. I’m sure I have a problem with compulsivity and adhd. I’m a decent listener but these longstanding friends are sick of me and don’t tell me their problems anymore And now I’m telling an anonymous forum. I guess thats a step in the right direction…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I identify with everything you said. I used to be social with various friend groups. I don’t know what happened…but it’s embarrassing. Everyone is going out with friends and I’m always home alone.

I don't think everyone is going out. I could have written the OP's post and I very much agree that things changed during Covid and there are now a lot of very lonely and disconnected people. (and yes, there are others who are very happy
to no longer have social obligations).

I sometimes feel like I'm alone but then I look at my block. I live in AU Park--neighborhood of families, kids, etc. Known to be super social, etc. Well, on a typical Friday or Saturday night EVERY single family on my block (10 families) is at home. No one is
entertaining. I don't track the cars (no, I'm not a weird stalker) but I typically walk my dog around 7pm down the block and I know the cars (because I know the neighbors and day-after-day you know who drives what, etc). Well there is no one coming or going (all cars are sitting in front of the homes) and no one is ever having a BBQ or back yard party. We're all sitting in our homes.
It's striking. I really think people's socializing has been dialed way back over the past 2-3 years (by choice or not by choice)

That’s just your weird block. Everyone I know is out all three days of the weekend including us

I cannot relate. That sounds horrible to be out every night like that at this age. Are you in your 20’s?

DP. In my late 30’s and have some social activity going on both days almost every weekend, not 3 days every weekend like PP, and you get used to it. It’s better than being alone and worth it to socialize our kids.

The condescension in this post does a good job of explaining why I don’t socialize this much. I don’t want to hang out with people like this.

Yeah. Also, “socialize our kids” makes it sound like their kids are puppies.

Sorry, but this is why y’all are lonely. And children who are socialized properly are less likely to be lonely and defensive as adults.

Lol still not talking about puppies, PP

Puppies are mammals without hangups. We could learn a lot from watching them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the best (and wisest) friends I had were 20+ years older than me. Seeing things through their eyes and stage of life was insightful and gave me introspection. Friends don't always have to be contemporaries.

But then they die and leave you alone. Dammit.

[Anonymous]

I “have” a group of friends that I get together with every month or every other month. The problem is one of them would call
me and say something like
“ we are planning this event on so and so on hope you can make it/ can join.
I mean the date never gets discussed with me beforehand with me - that bothers me.
I guess maybe I can also initiate and haven't done so much due to fam obligations…but I dont know still make me feel strange sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I identify with everything you said. I used to be social with various friend groups. I don’t know what happened…but it’s embarrassing. Everyone is going out with friends and I’m always home alone.

I don't think everyone is going out. I could have written the OP's post and I very much agree that things changed during Covid and there are now a lot of very lonely and disconnected people. (and yes, there are others who are very happy
to no longer have social obligations).

I sometimes feel like I'm alone but then I look at my block. I live in AU Park--neighborhood of families, kids, etc. Known to be super social, etc. Well, on a typical Friday or Saturday night EVERY single family on my block (10 families) is at home. No one is
entertaining. I don't track the cars (no, I'm not a weird stalker) but I typically walk my dog around 7pm down the block and I know the cars (because I know the neighbors and day-after-day you know who drives what, etc). Well there is no one coming or going (all cars are sitting in front of the homes) and no one is ever having a BBQ or back yard party. We're all sitting in our homes.
It's striking. I really think people's socializing has been dialed way back over the past 2-3 years (by choice or not by choice)

That’s just your weird block. Everyone I know is out all three days of the weekend including us

I cannot relate. That sounds horrible to be out every night like that at this age. Are you in your 20’s?

DP. In my late 30’s and have some social activity going on both days almost every weekend, not 3 days every weekend like PP, and you get used to it. It’s better than being alone and worth it to socialize our kids.

The condescension in this post does a good job of explaining why I don’t socialize this much. I don’t want to hang out with people like this.

Yeah. Also, “socialize our kids” makes it sound like their kids are puppies.

Sorry, but this is why y’all are lonely. And children who are socialized properly are less likely to be lonely and defensive as adults.

I'm not lonely and my kid is "socialized." I don't go socialize with people both weekend days because I like to spend at least a little time on my own/just with my family. You make hanging out with friends sound like a chore you make yourself do.

I think at least part of the loneliness people feel is not actually about needing to be around other people more, but about feeling pressure to go out more and have more friends. Kids benefit form quiet time alone and/or at home as well -- kids need to learn to be bored and find ways to entertain themselves without the constant stimulation of events and other people.

We are born alone and we die alone, and honestly being alone isn't so bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I identify with everything you said. I used to be social with various friend groups. I don’t know what happened…but it’s embarrassing. Everyone is going out with friends and I’m always home alone.

I don't think everyone is going out. I could have written the OP's post and I very much agree that things changed during Covid and there are now a lot of very lonely and disconnected people. (and yes, there are others who are very happy
to no longer have social obligations).

I sometimes feel like I'm alone but then I look at my block. I live in AU Park--neighborhood of families, kids, etc. Known to be super social, etc. Well, on a typical Friday or Saturday night EVERY single family on my block (10 families) is at home. No one is
entertaining. I don't track the cars (no, I'm not a weird stalker) but I typically walk my dog around 7pm down the block and I know the cars (because I know the neighbors and day-after-day you know who drives what, etc). Well there is no one coming or going (all cars are sitting in front of the homes) and no one is ever having a BBQ or back yard party. We're all sitting in our homes.
It's striking. I really think people's socializing has been dialed way back over the past 2-3 years (by choice or not by choice)

That’s just your weird block. Everyone I know is out all three days of the weekend including us

I cannot relate. That sounds horrible to be out every night like that at this age. Are you in your 20’s?

DP. In my late 30’s and have some social activity going on both days almost every weekend, not 3 days every weekend like PP, and you get used to it. It’s better than being alone and worth it to socialize our kids.

The condescension in this post does a good job of explaining why I don’t socialize this much. I don’t want to hang out with people like this.

Yeah. Also, “socialize our kids” makes it sound like their kids are puppies.

Sorry, but this is why y’all are lonely. And children who are socialized properly are less likely to be lonely and defensive as adults.

Lol still not talking about puppies, PP

Puppies are mammals without hangups. We could learn a lot from watching them.

Sometimes the mama dog eats her own baby puppy. Think of what we could accomplish without our pesky human “hangups”!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I identify with everything you said. I used to be social with various friend groups. I don’t know what happened…but it’s embarrassing. Everyone is going out with friends and I’m always home alone.

I don't think everyone is going out. I could have written the OP's post and I very much agree that things changed during Covid and there are now a lot of very lonely and disconnected people. (and yes, there are others who are very happy
to no longer have social obligations).

I sometimes feel like I'm alone but then I look at my block. I live in AU Park--neighborhood of families, kids, etc. Known to be super social, etc. Well, on a typical Friday or Saturday night EVERY single family on my block (10 families) is at home. No one is
entertaining. I don't track the cars (no, I'm not a weird stalker) but I typically walk my dog around 7pm down the block and I know the cars (because I know the neighbors and day-after-day you know who drives what, etc). Well there is no one coming or going (all cars are sitting in front of the homes) and no one is ever having a BBQ or back yard party. We're all sitting in our homes.
It's striking. I really think people's socializing has been dialed way back over the past 2-3 years (by choice or not by choice)

That’s just your weird block. Everyone I know is out all three days of the weekend including us

I cannot relate. That sounds horrible to be out every night like that at this age. Are you in your 20’s?

DP. In my late 30’s and have some social activity going on both days almost every weekend, not 3 days every weekend like PP, and you get used to it. It’s better than being alone and worth it to socialize our kids.

The condescension in this post does a good job of explaining why I don’t socialize this much. I don’t want to hang out with people like this.

Yeah. Also, “socialize our kids” makes it sound like their kids are puppies.

Sorry, but this is why y’all are lonely. And children who are socialized properly are less likely to be lonely and defensive as adults.

Lol still not talking about puppies, PP

Puppies are mammals without hangups. We could learn a lot from watching them.

Sometimes the mama dog eats her own baby puppy. Think of what we could accomplish without our pesky human “hangups”!

Yeah, dogs don’t have hang ups because they are extremely dumb and live almost entirely on instinct. And bred to be loyal to a fault— dogs get abused by humans all the time and just accept it because they are 100% dependent on the person who feeds them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster. Im lonely a lot of the time and noticed I’ve been turning off my longstanding friends through my behavior. I guess I’m a little/lot self involved. I tend to think the little everyday things going on in my life are very dramatic and need to be discussed (problem with mom? Neighbor? Boss? Crazy interaction on the street?). I’m realizing this is tiring to my friends who also have their own everyday dramas going on. It’s not like I don’t have an outlet for discussion — my spouse is a super listener. I just, feel a compulsion to tell my longstanding friends these things as they happen. I’m sure I have a problem with compulsivity and adhd. I’m a decent listener but these longstanding friends are sick of me and don’t tell me their problems anymore And now I’m telling an anonymous forum. I guess thats a step in the right direction…..

How do you know that your behavior is turning them off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound sympathetic OP but you need to do some honest introspection to see if you’re the problem. I have a not that great friend I meet up with occasionally when she initiates. She’s passive aggressive, competitive, anxious, and just not fun to be around. I know she’s pushed away other friends and feels lonely, so I put up with her. My other friends are pleasant and easygoing and we like hanging out so we meet up often.

Not OP, but I'm like your friend and I'm aware of it. There are reasons for it and it sucks more for me than it does for anyone who "puts up" with me. It doesn't change that I'm lonely.

If you don’t mind my asking, what are the reasons for your behavior? If my friend wasn’t so competitive and always on the offensive, I’d try to get closer and understand where she’s coming from. Right now, I just think she’s a jerk or has a personality disorder.

PP here. Truthfully, I don't think I'm competitive. I'm insecure and often respond defensively to things that people thing are normal conversation, because I have a different background than they do. Like most of our friends have housecleaners, but we do not as we cannot justify it -- I work part time and technically have time to clean. But I don't like that I work part-time, I'm insecure about our finances and wish we had more money, and I would love to have housecleaners.

So I might be talking to a friend who is frustrated with her housecleaner. And I'll nod along at first but then I'll get annoyed and also feel awkward because, uh, I can't relate. So I'll say something like "yeah, I don't know, our house cleaner is super cheap because I clean my own house." And on the one hand this is true and is coming from a place, actually, of feeling defensive. But I know it gets interpreted as me acting superior, because of how I say it, and it sound like I'm being competitive, like "I do sooo much and you just have help." Though typing that out, honestly, that is how I feel -- I do so much and other people have help and I'm frustrated about it. I guess you could say I'm bitter. I don't know.

Point is, I'm in this uncomfortable situation where I feel like I can't relate to the stuff other people talk about and I can't relate to them as a peer, and it makes me defensive and also annoyed, and I know that comes off as competitive and negative. Maybe it is. But it's not because I think I'm better than anyone, it's because I think I'm not as good and it makes me feel bad and all my frustrating behaviors are just kind of an outgrowth of the fact that I feel bad about myself all the time.

Like I said, it sucks more to be me than to be around me, even if that sucks too. Sorry.

You are surprisingly self aware for someone so entrenched in negative thought and behavior patterns that are pervasive enough to alienate you socially. There is hope for you - it would benefit you to work on this in therapy, maybe even a group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster. Im lonely a lot of the time and noticed I’ve been turning off my longstanding friends through my behavior. I guess I’m a little/lot self involved. I tend to think the little everyday things going on in my life are very dramatic and need to be discussed (problem with mom? Neighbor? Boss? Crazy interaction on the street?). I’m realizing this is tiring to my friends who also have their own everyday dramas going on. It’s not like I don’t have an outlet for discussion — my spouse is a super listener. I just, feel a compulsion to tell my longstanding friends these things as they happen. I’m sure I have a problem with compulsivity and adhd. I’m a decent listener but these longstanding friends are sick of me and don’t tell me their problems anymore And now I’m telling an anonymous forum. I guess thats a step in the right direction…..

Hi PP, this doesn’t sound bad to me. Everyone needs to vent. If I were your friend, it wouldn’t bother me at all.

I used to be more like you but am not anymore, even though my spouse is not a great listener.

But then it turned out a close friend who used to love to listen to me talk about stuff, and would actively solicit me to talk about whatever was going on in my life, was then using that info to spread a bunch of rumors about me. She liked listening to me because she thought I was ridiculous and said as much to other people when she told them ALL my personal business, often with some embellishments and heavy editorializing.

I’m lonely now and don’t really talk to anyone, including my spouse, but I guess lonely is better than ridiculed and humiliated. There are worse things than lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but you make friends in college and then your kids friends parents in elementary school. If you haven’t done it by now you aren’t going to have any

That is stinking, self-defeating thinking. It’s harder to make friends outside of those life stages (especially with an attitude like yours) but it’s definitely possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I “have” a group of friends that I get together with every month or every other month. The problem is one of them would call
me and say something like
“ we are planning this event on so and so on hope you can make it/ can join.
I mean the date never gets discussed with me beforehand with me - that bothers me.
I guess maybe I can also initiate and haven't done so much due to fam obligations…but I dont know still make me feel strange sometimes.

I don’t understand - it sounds like they are telling you the date when they call you up. Do you mean you think they should check with you ahead of time to make sure you are available? It doesn’t usually work like that for larger gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Put energy into making new friends. Develop a hobby, volunteer, whatever it is. Start trying to meet new people. Hang in there.