I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.

BTDT. People absolutely ask for different tables or negotiate or leave. Especially busy people or those in a rare dinner out or big rigamarole with travel, sitters, reservations, famous restaurant or view.
Saying you won’t take two hours for a dinner usually works.

Maybe her husband eats out a lot for work and doesn’t care about one more dinner out or the view. That doesn’t mean OP has to smile and nod at crumbs.

[Anonymous]

Narcissists ruin every occasion, every nice dinner, and every holiday.
Not only did everyone do you wrong at the dinner, but now you are upset that your dh did you wrong too. Everyone is to blame but yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and sister are both like OP and I'm like Ops husband. Yes, in theory its good to validate OPs annoyance but I also get why DH didnt. It's exhausting dealing with people like my mom and sister and I really resent having to validate their negativity all the time. It isn't like they put in the effort to just roll with things.

I have a coworker that tends to gravitate to drama or negative stories.

We all just look up and say, Bummer, I’m so sorry.
Then go back to our work or change the subject.
No one gets upset then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're on a vacation with young kids, and, for just one night, got a babysitter and a reservation at a fancy restaurant famous for its incredible views. The prices were a LOT for us ($45 for the typical app, $60 for the typical entree, I've never ever paid that much). But we decided to splurge for one night and enjoy the views.

When we got to the restaurant, we got seated in the back row with a partial view. We asked for a nicer table, and were told that we didn't book early enough. We booked almost a month in advance, and the website said nothing about some tables not getting the full view.

I understand that shit happens, and there's nothing to be done about it, and it would be unproductive to complain to the staff. But also, I was devastated. Without the view, it was just an overpriced restaurant. Plus our service was really mediocre. I quietly sat there feeling sad, doing my best to rally myself. I would have liked my husband to be annoyed or upset alongside me, so I could feel like we're on the same team.

However, my husband felt like it wasn't that big of a deal and why not just have a great time? He got really annoyed at me for being upset, even though I wasn't rude to him or anyone else, and just quietly tried to deal with my feelings. He said that seeing me upset annoyed him. He said he's tired of me chasing amazing experiences when we could just be happy with normal ones.

I understand things go wrong in life, especially when traveling. I have two young kids, so I have gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches. But when it comes to high-stakes things, and especially when it comes to bad service and people just being mean, I don't know how to just get over it.

I don't know how to not care that the one of the top things I was most looking forward to in the entire vacation, that we only get to do once a year, had gotten messed up. Yes, I wanted it to be amazing and romantic instead of sitting in the back watching 90% of the other couples enjoying the view while our waitress gave us the cold shoulder. I want to have an epic evening once in a while. I don't think it's shallow or wrong - I'm not posting on social media or even bragging to friends, this is something I want for myself.

My husband says if I'm not ready for things to go wrong, we shouldn't book anything super-nice or expensive at all. But that doesn't seem like a great solution either, because I would like to have occasional special experiences. How do I learn to be more like my husband?

You got what you paid for. took a gamble, hoping for a first class experience on business class price.
If you expect to get lucky all the time, you'll have a lifetime of disappointment.

Hoping for a great meal and a great view is really pushing your luck. Enjoy the view before or after dinner. During dinner you can look at your food and your date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and sister are both like OP and I'm like Ops husband. Yes, in theory its good to validate OPs annoyance but I also get why DH didnt. It's exhausting dealing with people like my mom and sister and I really resent having to validate their negativity all the time. It isn't like they put in the effort to just roll with things.

I’m a PP from above and DH gets like OP. I sit there wondering, we are both here, having the same experience, but DH chooses to get hung up and emotional, whereas I have to exert not only energy so I don’t react to the situation, but also more energy to offset DH’s dysregulatation. It’s exhausting.

OP see a CBT therapist and learn how to manage your emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.

What would that review have said? That the restaurant honored your reservation, but weren't willing to accommodate your request to change tables because others had already reserved them?

OK, I guess.

[Anonymous]

So not only did you get a bad table, you ruined the rest of the evening by sulking? Ugh. Team DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.

What would that review have said? That the restaurant honored your reservation, but weren't willing to accommodate your request to change tables because others had already reserved them?

OK, I guess.

Np.
I assume the review would say that there are a few bad tables, if you make reservations be sure to stipulate you want a full view or forget it.

They can leave the krappy tables for the last minute walk ins.

[Anonymous]

My spouse is ADHD so he’s always “rolling with it” and thinks everyone else has as many accidents, lost stuff, forgotten appointments, and dropped balls as he does.
He can’t fathom another way besides boggling through things and begging for exceptions or experienced letdowns.
He would gloat with glee if one of the billion things I’m left having to plan, resulted in a dark corner table all walked in.

[Anonymous]

Why would he ever marry you? Why would you ever get involved with anyone unless they are exactly the way you are and you both enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.

BTDT. People absolutely ask for different tables or negotiate or leave. Especially busy people or those in a rare dinner out or big rigamarole with travel, sitters, reservations, famous restaurant or view.
Saying you won’t take two hours for a dinner usually works.

Maybe her husband eats out a lot for work and doesn’t care about one more dinner out or the view. That doesn’t mean OP has to smile and nod at crumbs.

Sure it means she has to make it a miserable time for everyone else! Who wants to hang around someone like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So not only did you get a bad table, you ruined the rest of the evening by sulking? Ugh. Team DH.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.

This is the only good advice in this thread. OP, it is understandable that you are disappointed and frustrated. Your husband should have validated your feelings and worked on solutions with you. Teamwork, you know?! The way he acted, he made the situation worse and added to your negative feelings and then blamed you for them.
In the future, I recommend that you tell him what you seek from him -> validation/acknowledging feelings and then joint-problem-resolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.

Why? Realistically, not every table in a restaurant can have the same access to a view. If it was really important to OP, she should have noted it in her reservation, while understanding that it might not be accommodated.

OP, those restaurants with great views generally don't have great food--they're coasting because people come for the view. I usually go for an early drink at that kind of place, to enhance my chances of a good view without feeling like I've overspent if I don't have a good view, then move on to a hole in the wall with no view but fantastic food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're on a vacation with young kids, and, for just one night, got a babysitter and a reservation at a fancy restaurant famous for its incredible views. The prices were a LOT for us ($45 for the typical app, $60 for the typical entree, I've never ever paid that much). But we decided to splurge for one night and enjoy the views.

When we got to the restaurant, we got seated in the back row with a partial view. We asked for a nicer table, and were told that we didn't book early enough. We booked almost a month in advance, and the website said nothing about some tables not getting the full view.

I understand that shit happens, and there's nothing to be done about it, and it would be unproductive to complain to the staff. But also, I was devastated. Without the view, it was just an overpriced restaurant. Plus our service was really mediocre. I quietly sat there feeling sad, doing my best to rally myself. I would have liked my husband to be annoyed or upset alongside me, so I could feel like we're on the same team.

However, my husband felt like it wasn't that big of a deal and why not just have a great time? He got really annoyed at me for being upset, even though I wasn't rude to him or anyone else, and just quietly tried to deal with my feelings. He said that seeing me upset annoyed him. He said he's tired of me chasing amazing experiences when we could just be happy with normal ones.

I understand things go wrong in life, especially when traveling. I have two young kids, so I have gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches. But when it comes to high-stakes things, and especially when it comes to bad service and people just being mean, I don't know how to just get over it.

I don't know how to not care that the one of the top things I was most looking forward to in the entire vacation, that we only get to do once a year, had gotten messed up. Yes, I wanted it to be amazing and romantic instead of sitting in the back watching 90% of the other couples enjoying the view while our waitress gave us the cold shoulder. I want to have an epic evening once in a while. I don't think it's shallow or wrong - I'm not posting on social media or even bragging to friends, this is something I want for myself.

My husband says if I'm not ready for things to go wrong, we shouldn't book anything super-nice or expensive at all. But that doesn't seem like a great solution either, because I would like to have occasional special experiences. How do I learn to be more like my husband?

You got what you paid for. took a gamble, hoping for a first class experience on business class price.
If you expect to get lucky all the time, you'll have a lifetime of disappointment.

Hoping for a great meal and a great view is really pushing your luck. Enjoy the view before or after dinner. During dinner you can look at your food and your date.

I don't understand what you mean. OP's steak didn't cost any less just because she was further from the view.