Husband is not there for me in my grief

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are 36. You can still have children if you want them and can afford them. You may not get them exactly how you wanted, may need IVF or donor eggs, but you can have them. You can also have a more lucrative career. It not too late to get credentials & training that will get you higher incomes. I made $65K at 36. Now at 52 I make $230K. What type/field of academics are you? Some disciplines you can actually make money with time.

What career change did you make?

I entered the health care field. There are so many avenues to do this where can make $100K, $150K, $200K and upwards.

Is this a PA or NP course?
Not pp but I’m also wanting to transition because of very low pay and nearing 40.
If you had any credentials to take again that were realistic budget and time wise, pls give me any advice!

[Anonymous]

What exactly is academic”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think I have a lot of resentment at my husband for not pursuing a higher paying professional track and not listening to me when I had told me I was concerned about fertility while we were waiting to TTC.

So I don’t blame him for running away, exactly. But I don’t have anyone to help me with my grief. I think I am also angry at myself for choosing a low paid career and I guess I assumed I’d meet a guy who made more but I fell in love with my husband and thought we could make it work.

This. My mom used to repeat the saying when you point the finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you. You had agency every step of the way - you could have pivoted to finding a job that paid more, you could have just had a kid while being poor (my mom had me in her early 20’s) and come up with how you could make that work - lower COL, living near family willing to help, you could have only dated guys that wanted their wives to SAH with kids if that was your priority. As much as you day you were worried, about putting off TTC, you didn’t make any moves to a higher paying job yourself or say you would rather be poor with one kid than risk not having kids at all and had that the make or break moment

So here you are - owning your own decisions, what do you want now? How are you and your DH a team again?

[Anonymous]

Holy moly! I am reading posts on DCUM and these ladies are regular prophets of DOOM!! How is anyone tolerating living with them?

[Anonymous]

💩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I too am dealing with infertility and a few years ahead of you. I am also dealing with resentment towards DH for not trying sooner. It takes everything in me not to hate him on a daily basis. You are not alone.

NP and I really don’t think you should be trying to have children with someone you hate. I’m sorry you’re dealing with infertility but that is not a healthy environment to bring a child into.

I agree. That is why I am fighting the resentment. This is something though that you both need to be on the same page for - starting to try - and when it turns out that your fears were correct that you were going to hit the fertility cliff its difficult. There is no easy answer and its rough. Getting divorced is not a quick fix at either point and people change their minds. Relationships are tough and this person is not alone in being very frustrated that this choice was made unilaterally by her husband and is having lifelong consequences.

Example, today my DH announced that we can just do a three more rounds of IVF in 2025 when DC mandates it for health insurance. I am pretty over it but hey, it literally will not cost him any money comparatively to what we are paying now and its just me going treatments and being emotionally drained right. But if I say no then I am giving up on having a baby. So yeah, I have sympathy for this OP and its not a cakewalk.

[Anonymous]

OP firstly you didn't become infertile at 36 you probably always were, you only discovered it then.

why not adopt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP firstly you didn't become infertile at 36 you probably always were, you only discovered it then.

why not adopt?

You're kidding right? Your fertility can change from year to year. Please stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP firstly you didn't become infertile at 36 you probably always were, you only discovered it then.

why not adopt?

You're kidding right? Your fertility can change from year to year. Please stop.

DP. It CAN, but you don't know that it did. You have a really intense negative fantasy in which all of the facts are exactly as you most feared them being. That's not the same as it being real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP firstly you didn't become infertile at 36 you probably always were, you only discovered it then.

why not adopt?

You're kidding right? Your fertility can change from year to year. Please stop.

DP. It CAN, but you don't know that it did. You have a really intense negative fantasy in which all of the facts are exactly as you most feared them being. That's not the same as it being real.

Umm I am not OP and I am infertile and my AMH is halving every year. Please tell me more about my intense negative fantasies.

[Anonymous]

You’re not experiencing regret and disappointment, not grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s both of your faults for putting off starting your family. It’s a typical DCUM move though. You all wait too damned long, and many of you end up regretting it.

Hi, Brunch Granny! Sex In The City, amirite?

[Anonymous]

OP, some of these responses are really harsh. As someone who's been through infertility, it's stressful and heartbreaking. I think you need to find a therapist to vent to and find ways to cope with what you are going through, especially as your husband isn't providing the emotional support you need right now. An infertility support group might also be helpful.

For now, hang in there and I'm sending hugs out your way.

[Anonymous]

Renting is fine. Don't torture yourself obsessing over richer people (but advocates to get the $ you deserve).

Focus on TTC or adoption, if that's priamry importance. That's a window that will close. Make sure husband is on board and supports the idea of kids, or else leave before it's too late.

[Anonymous]

No one had a time machine. It doesn't matter how fertile you were in the past.