Husband is not there for me in my grief
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Anonymous
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I am 36 and I am having a difficult time accepting the reality of my life vs what I had wanted my life to be. From around the time I was 28 years old I had wanted children and to be a mother and to have a family. Due to a lack of financial stability ( we are both academics) we postponed TTC until about 2 years ago after which I have been dealing with infertility.
Of course during this time, other couples around us married and popped out babies not even a year into their wedding anniversaries and moved out of condos to buy their first homes. We were broke graduate students eating ramen and barely making ends meet. Now of course said friends have homes and a few children meanwhile we still rent and are childless. I am sad and angry and I’m grieving the life I never got. Whenever I get sad, my husband runs away and leaves for a few hours and says he cannot deal with me complaining about our life. I feel so alone and so unheard and so hurt. |
Anonymous
| He isn't your therapist. Find a good therapist to process all your pain and anger. |
Anonymous
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That’s because your grief is directly related to his choices and actions so it is hurtful to him to hear your unhappiness. It must make him feel inadequate.
You are where you are. Hang on to what you love. If you really don’t have a life you want, can you move to a cheaper place? Adopt? You’re still young. |
Anonymous
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It's hard for me to have sympathy for people upset about their finances when they picked low-paying careers. Did you think you'd magically come into money?
You claim you're grieving the life you never got. But your life isn't over yet. You sound like you've given up but unless you've had a hysterectomy there's no reason to. Agree that you should find a therapist. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like your husband feels attacked and rejected, which may be why he bolts when you get upset. When you think about what prevented you from having the life you wanted, what are you the most angry at? Where does your hurt place blame for this situation? Does your husband share your feelings about the problem? Does he grieve for the life you are grieving for? The envy and resentment is very clear in your post. I am not saying those feelings are invalid, but I think it's possible that your husband feels they are directed at him and that's why he doesn't want to listen to you.
It also sounds to me your grief is also fueled by comparing your life to the lives of others. Stop comparing yourself to your friends, and/or get some friends who are in the same stage and position of life as you if you are finding your life radically different from these friends you compare yourself negatively to. |
Anonymous
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Op here. I think I have a lot of resentment at my husband for not pursuing a higher paying professional track and not listening to me when I had told me I was concerned about fertility while we were waiting to TTC.
So I don’t blame him for running away, exactly. But I don’t have anyone to help me with my grief. I think I am also angry at myself for choosing a low paid career and I guess I assumed I’d meet a guy who made more but I fell in love with my husband and thought we could make it work. |
Anonymous
But doesn't he have the right to choose a career he wants? Maybe he doesn't care about buying a house. I love living in a condo! |
Anonymous
| Are you also angry with yourself for not pursuing a higher-paying career? If not, why not? |
Anonymous
Sotry, I just saw your reply. OP, I strongly encourage you to see a therapist. |
Anonymous
OP, you need a therapist. I am not at all surprised that your husband isn't there for you in your grief - you blame him for it! For not making enough money. At the end of the day, that's what it boils down to. You believe that if he made more money, you would have a baby now, and while that's possible, it's certainly not guaranteed. Either way, he knows you think this is all his fault, even if you have tried to conceal it. Even when you are taking responsibility for your own resentments, you basically say you're angry with yourself for not choosing a more wealthy mate also! Apologize to your husband. Recognize that the grief of infertility makes people lash out inappropriately. It is toxic and will absolutely kill your marriage if you allow that pattern to continue. |
Anonymous
| I think it’s mean to think that your husband should have pursued a higher paying job. The message you are sending him is that he is not good enough. |
Anonymous
| I get it, OP. I have wanted that kind of support sometimes too and get disappointed when DH can’t provide it. But it’s because I never got support from my family of origin and am now searching for it from DH. That’s not fair to him. The therapist is better at being supportive. |
Anonymous
| Hi OP - I too am dealing with infertility and a few years ahead of you. I am also dealing with resentment towards DH for not trying sooner. It takes everything in me not to hate him on a daily basis. You are not alone. |
Anonymous
| The grief of infertility can make you feel and think unfair things. Talk to a therapist, not as much your husband. |
Anonymous
+1 I've had some depression, etc, that required treatment and I have learned to lean on my psychiatrist and therapist for help with stuff that is deep enough to need prof help. My husband is sweet, and generous and amazing, but he has never spend a day of his life depressed and can only support me so much. The fact that your husband is literally running away is problematic though. Maybe some couples counseling as well? FWIW, I was in your position in my mid-30s and worked with Shady Grove Fertility doing several clomid cycles. It didn't work. When they told me it was time to consider ivf I decided I was done, and now, at 52 and childless, I'm so happy with my life how it turned out. You can have a fulfilling life even when it doesn't turn out the way you planned (in fact it rarely turns out as planned for anyone). |