Husband is not there for me in my grief

[Anonymous]

OP, I, too, went through infertility. I was diagnosed with stage iv endometriosis. Took years to become parents. My DH was the one who would lament our situation all the time. I was in place where I wanted to see the good in what we had, and he would constantly look at others and live a slow “death by comparison.” I was so exhausted those years, and really didn’t have the will to imagine life with a child -I was an afraid of the grief if that actually did not happen. My defense was to find what was good or easy about not having kids. My DH’s constantly reminding me that we were, indeed, dealing with infertility really got under my skin and caused a lot more unnecessary stress. I kept my mouth shut because I felt that everyone needed to process and grieve in their own ways. But, man, did I resent the hell out of it.

[Anonymous]

Get your own high paying job.

[Anonymous]

OP you are 36. You can still have children if you want them and can afford them. You may not get them exactly how you wanted, may need IVF or donor eggs, but you can have them. You can also have a more lucrative career. It not too late to get credentials & training that will get you higher incomes. I made $65K at 36. Now at 52 I make $230K. What type/field of academics are you? Some disciplines you can actually make money with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are 36. You can still have children if you want them and can afford them. You may not get them exactly how you wanted, may need IVF or donor eggs, but you can have them. You can also have a more lucrative career. It not too late to get credentials & training that will get you higher incomes. I made $65K at 36. Now at 52 I make $230K. What type/field of academics are you? Some disciplines you can actually make money with time.

What career change did you make?

[Anonymous]

He’s running out of the room because you have an amazing life, and decades of potential joy and service to the communities around you, and all you’re doing is sitting around and b******* at him. And if he tells you the objective TRUTH (which is: you’re a basket case and wasting your life being negative, and will continue to waste many more decades if you continue to CHOOSE to act like this, then you’ll die a bitter / lonely old crank), then you’ll go berserk on him.

You don’t need counseling. You need to pull yourself together. There was a couple in my small hometown who were “barren” and never had kids, yet they brought so much joy and grace to all of us. They were always there - full of smiles and encouragement - at every church function, high school sporting event, graduation party, wedding, chamber of commerce meeting, etc. for as long as I remember. They fostered kids occasionally. They sponsored kids discreetly who needed help buying sports equipment. They were like the grandparents of the whole town, and all of us ended up with richer lives because of them.

If the wife would have sat around the house whinging, it would have been a waste of her life and the husband’s. (And if she’d have been that kind of wicked person AND had children… well then she’d have STILL been miserable and have raised miserable kids to boot.)

I despise celebrity pastors and often dislike Rick Warren’s stances, but you could benefit from reading and comprehending just the first few sentences of “The Purpose Driven Life”.

[Anonymous]

Op if I’m correct you have posted before about feeling envy and resentment. You both made choices and here you are. You have another choice ahead of you which is how you are going to move forward. You can divorce because your resentment will eat you up: you can accept a reality that many couples face and with through:’or you can stay stuck and create misery.

I have compassion for people suffering infertility but not for those blaming others for their choices.

Two academic parents is a wonderful recipe for stable family and flexibility. Plenty of ppl have kids with little money. You don’t need a big house for a baby. Both dh and I were in our late 30s/40s working in non profits when we had kids. I had kids at 38/40 as well. You have options but until you see a trherapist and accept your role in this and see past the resentment and grief you will be stuck. You may be disappointed that you did not marry a high earner but that’s not his fault and what does that say about you and why do you think blaming your spouse is productive in any way? Sounds to me like You are not asking him to handle your grief so much as to keep taking blame. There is no solution here, o upside for either one of you.

[Anonymous]

Why is the fact that you still rent your DH’s problem? You are clearly educated. Get a better job to afford the lifestyle you seem to feel you are owed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the fact that you still rent your DH’s problem? You are clearly educated. Get a better job to afford the lifestyle you seem to feel you are owed.

Even if one isn’t educated, there is an incredible amount of money to be made right now for people who want to work. A kid in his or her 20s with a clean background can get paid to get a CDL license and can make a crap-ton of money driving a truck. As in… as much money as I didn’t make until my early 40s with my multiple college degrees.

I don’t suggest that as a long term strategy, but the point is… if you’re not making money right now it’s because you don’t want to. Or you don’t want to relocate geographically, or learn a new career.

[Anonymous]

You post the same story every other month. You get the same advice and have yet to take any of it.

I'm not going to coddle you like everyone.else.

Life is not fair. Period. We make choices and sometimes it goes out way and sometimes it doesn't.
We don't always get what we want and dream about even when we do all the " to things"

It's a complete waste of time to resent others for having what you want. Blaming others for your choices and having a pity party.

Accept you have very little control over most things in life
Change what you can mostly your shitty attitude

[Anonymous]

You post all the time and clearly do nothing to change the situation. Pretty soon you'll be able to tack on divorce to your endless list of things to complain about. Your DH is done with you, and rightly so.

[Anonymous]

Wow, why is everyone so mean here? Don't we all want and need partners who can support us?

OP, I agree that a therapist would probably help. In an ideal world, DH would gently let you know that he's also stuck and not equipped to support you. He may be that person one day, but he might be too young and inexperienced to be that person today. Help yourself first, then try to examine the relationship dynamics.

[Anonymous]

OP, 1/3 of my academic cohort started having kids around 40. 1/3 never had kids. You still have time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are 36. You can still have children if you want them and can afford them. You may not get them exactly how you wanted, may need IVF or donor eggs, but you can have them. You can also have a more lucrative career. It not too late to get credentials & training that will get you higher incomes. I made $65K at 36. Now at 52 I make $230K. What type/field of academics are you? Some disciplines you can actually make money with time.

What career change did you make?

I entered the health care field. There are so many avenues to do this where can make $100K, $150K, $200K and upwards.

[Anonymous]

Best parents I know had twins when she was 44 using donor eggs.

[Anonymous]

Stop comparing yourself to others. You are still young and have time to do the things you want to do. Try focusing on small concrete things you can do to improve your situation.