Husband is not there for me in my grief

[Anonymous]

Ha ha!! Your life is MISERABLE because you choose to think of it as miserable. How can you be helped? You are single-handedly destroying the peace, calm, happiness of your marriage and household. There are plenty of people who probably envy your child free life. You have all the flexibility of being a renter.

Let me count your blessings-
You are married,
Educated,
young,
Healthy,
American,
Fluent in English,
Probably White,
Not destitute,
Not burdened by an elderly parent, disabled relative, small kids, needy pet, horrible mortgage!

You are doing ok. Take some happy gummies!!

[Anonymous]

You need a therapist. I feel bad for your husband and your behavior would definitely be a marriage killer for me.

[Anonymous]

You need a therapist and you can be the one to pursue a better paying job since you decided to pursue academics. It’s not all on him.

[Anonymous]

You're assuming that everyone else's life is good because they have houses and children, but they probably all have their own problems.

You're an academic, married to another academic who you chose because you loved him. You're already one of the luckiest people in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're assuming that everyone else's life is good because they have houses and children, but they probably all have their own problems.

You're an academic, married to another academic who you chose because you loved him. You're already one of the luckiest people in the world.

+ You are lucky in so many ways.

[Anonymous]

Blond??

[Anonymous]

I get feeling frustrated, but you’re really being unfair to your husband. I too married an academic and at times wish he had more earning potential, especially looking at some others in my close circle, but we have a very comfortable life in the scheme of things and our HHI is as much a result of my choices as his, so that’s what I’m focused on changing (looking at a career pivot at 43). I made my own choices, about my own career, and about marrying someone on track to be an academic. Sounds like you too were onboard with waiting to TTC at the time, but are placing blame there too. If he feels your blame of coarse he’s going to be less supportive. I think others are right that you should be talking to a therapist not expecting all support to come from DH. My DH is a great guy but gets paralyzed and hasn’t known what to do when I’ve been grieving, and that is even in the absence of any component of blame (ie deaths he had nothing to do with).

[Anonymous]

grieving the life I never got --- it is, the life you chose. To wait.
Your DH cannot deal with the complaining --- I wouldn't be able to either.

Age 36. TTC since 2 years ago. There's still a happy life -you could build- with children/in some way

Op, I hope it's only hormones making you this miserable person. I hope you get some relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 36 and I am having a difficult time accepting the reality of my life vs what I had wanted my life to be. From around the time I was 28 years old I had wanted children and to be a mother and to have a family. Due to a lack of financial stability ( we are both academics) we postponed TTC until about 2 years ago after which I have been dealing with infertility.

Of course during this time, other couples around us married and popped out babies not even a year into their wedding anniversaries and moved out of condos to buy their first homes. We were broke graduate students eating ramen and barely making ends meet.

Now of course said friends have homes and a few children meanwhile we still rent and are childless. I am sad and angry and I’m grieving the life I never got.

Whenever I get sad, my husband runs away and leaves for a few hours and says he cannot deal with me complaining about our life.

I feel so alone and so unheard and so hurt.

Kids are so expensive. If anything you have more money as Dual income no kids vs if you had kids. So why are you broke and still renting? That has nothing to do with kids.

[Anonymous]

It’s both of your faults for putting off starting your family. It’s a typical DCUM move though. You all wait too damned long, and many of you end up regretting it.

[Anonymous]

If you do get pregnant and cannot afford a larger place, will you then carry your resentment to not having a house, affording a nanny, private schools, etc.? Please get therapy before you lose your marriage.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have had a very privileged life overall and haven't had to deal with much adversity.

There are plenty of women your age who haven't married, can't find the right person, and don't have kids.

You chose to be an academic, and so did your husband. You both decided to wait, even if it was more of his choice.

You can still change things around and have a child. And if a child doesn't happen, then you have to decide what you want to do.

But your husband feels attacked and inadequate if you blame everything on him. You both made choices in life. Agreed with go to therapy on your own, and marriage counseling as well. You might be drowning in your grief so much that you drive others away, and you have to be able to deal with these emotions so you can be present and try to think of what is going well in your life so you can move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I too am dealing with infertility and a few years ahead of you. I am also dealing with resentment towards DH for not trying sooner. It takes everything in me not to hate him on a daily basis. You are not alone.

NP and I really don’t think you should be trying to have children with someone you hate. I’m sorry you’re dealing with infertility but that is not a healthy environment to bring a child into.

[Anonymous]

From the Mayo Clinic: “While it's unlikely that stress alone can cause infertility, stress interferes with a woman's ability to get pregnant. Research has shown that women with a history of depression are twice as likely to experience infertility. Anxiety also can prolong the time needed to achieve pregnancy.”

https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/infertility-and-stress#:~:text=While%20it%27s%20unlikely%20that%20stress,time%20needed%20to%20achieve%20pregnancy.

OP, talk to your doctor and get a referral to a therapist to help with your grief, anger and resentment. You have a lot to unpack. Once you get yourself in a better place, then start marriage counseling, too.

[Anonymous]

We had our children before financially stable and it worked out. You made your choice. Stop complaining about it.