Kids who work but never move on/out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse.

The only cases where I have seen it there was undiagnosed or untreated mental illness.

This exactly.

[Anonymous]

I know of several situations like this. With kids in late 20s to mid-30s.

But all of them involve both really inappropriate enmeshment, lack of a college degree, and and low-paying jobs (as well as a history of getting fired or quitting and having long periods of unemployment). So there are problems there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:our son (28) is like that. educated, employed, and too comfortable. we don't push or pull and he is not showing any signs of wanting to move out. he is saving good money though. we don't charge expenses/rent either

This is our 26 year old dd. She is an independent woman but resides at home. She pays all her own bills (car, insurance, phone, cc etc) travels does as she wants but likes the feeling of coming home to family. We are fine with it and when she is finally ready to move out we will be fine with that also. Most of her friends also still reside at home and are also educated with good careers.

[Anonymous]

Two of my cousins (three until last year when one got married in her 30s). All in extremely coddled/comfortable positions, frugal so saving tons of money, and with good jobs. They come and go as they please. My own mother threatened to charge us rent, never cooked for us and kept strict track of our whereabouts and neither me nor my sister lived there for more than one college summer after turning 18. So the secret seems to be that a friendly relationship with your kids is directly correlated with them wanting to stay in your house for years!

[Anonymous]

My aunt and cousin are like this. It’s crazy because they can’t stand each other but my cousin won’t move out. I love my aunt but she is very overbearing in general and I would have left as soon as I could.

[Anonymous]

My husband's 35 year old nephew has had sporadic employment at best, did not go to college (took some classes at NOVA in his mid 20s and failed them because he didn't go), and pays no rent. His mother is still "making dinner" every night and he complains if it wasn't what he wanted. She does get something out of this, though as he seems to be her only friend and she relies on him to do things for her (for example she gives him the shopping list and her debit card and he goes to the store and gets the groceries ... and he then gets cash back that she doesn't call him on lol). Oh, and he plays video games all night and sleeps all day. Has a problem with dependence on weed, of course. His social skills are almost nonexistent. He had a job at Macy's a few years ago but was fired within a couple of months for multiple no-shows -- which he was happy about because he hated people "telling me what to do."

I see it as pretty pathetic tbh.

[Anonymous]

What about sex?

Three of my friends have adult children in their mid- to late-20s still living at home. All attended college and all have professional jobs.

Two are gay and have never had a confirmed relationship. They definitely use hook up apps, cause I've heard them talking about it. But I'm sure they've never brought anyone home. The other AC is straight but also has never been in a relationship.

So are these ACs who live at home emotionally stunted? Are they just staying children until they finally, hopefully, maybe meet someone?

Truly curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about sex?

Three of my friends have adult children in their mid- to late-20s still living at home. All attended college and all have professional jobs.

Two are gay and have never had a confirmed relationship. They definitely use hook up apps, cause I've heard them talking about it. But I'm sure they've never brought anyone home. The other AC is straight but also has never been in a relationship.

So are these ACs who live at home emotionally stunted? Are they just staying children until they finally, hopefully, maybe meet someone?

Truly curious.

I have a gay coworker who lives at home and he meets guys in public places. He has never had an actual relationship at 36.
Out of my cousins (straight) one goes to his GF's house and one does not date at all, though he used to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So the secret seems to be that a friendly relationship with your kids is directly correlated with them wanting to stay in your house for years!

I think you nailed it. I had a bad home life and left asap, so I vouched my kid would have a nice warm welcoming home. We shall see as he is still young. The house is very small though, maybe he will want to leave anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about sex?

Three of my friends have adult children in their mid- to late-20s still living at home. All attended college and all have professional jobs.

Two are gay and have never had a confirmed relationship. They definitely use hook up apps, cause I've heard them talking about it. But I'm sure they've never brought anyone home. The other AC is straight but also has never been in a relationship.

So are these ACs who live at home emotionally stunted? Are they just staying children until they finally, hopefully, maybe meet someone?

Truly curious.

I used to date quite a few guys who lived at home while I didn’t (in college and shortly after), we used my place (separate story about trying to get rid of the roommates for a few hours…)
I think it’s a type of mooching tbh

[Anonymous]

In Indian culture, parents make all efforts to get their ACs
- very well educated,
- make sure that they have a well paying career/job
- make sure that the daughter get married through arranged marriage to a suitable groom, if they cannot find a partner on their own.

Where the AC stays after that is immaterial. Many times married AC and their family stays with the parents, as that is helpful to all members of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about sex?

Three of my friends have adult children in their mid- to late-20s still living at home. All attended college and all have professional jobs.

Two are gay and have never had a confirmed relationship. They definitely use hook up apps, cause I've heard them talking about it. But I'm sure they've never brought anyone home. The other AC is straight but also has never been in a relationship.

So are these ACs who live at home emotionally stunted? Are they just staying children until they finally, hopefully, maybe meet someone?

Truly curious.

I can say about Indian AC living at home with parents. Truly, the problem is never where to find a place to have sex. The problem with most single people is that they are finding it hard to find people they like enough to have monogamous LTR with or want to get married to. Yes, even ACs living at home are able to go to hotels, trips, friend's apartments, vacations, date's house etc. I mean even the people who want to just hook-up through tinder etc are able to find places to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the daughter they have a window 20-30 to find a wealthy man and it's harder for unattractive women

What's wrong with not wealthy men?

Nothing but harder life

Did you know it’s 2023 and women can work and create their own wealth? I blew your mind there. I know!

[Anonymous]

OP your privilege is showing and you have way too much time on your hands to be judgmental. The first question to think about is, do they all seem fine with the arrangement? if so, there is no issue.

There are many reasons multi-generational families live together which include-love and harmony, culture, financial, illness, mental health issues, neurodevelopmental issues and more. It is disgusting and disturbing to assume this is abusive.

My mother was like you and moved out as soon as we could. She judged the European family next door where the daughters lived at home until they married in their 30s. Now she envies how close they are and how often the grandkids come to visit the loving and generous grandparents.

My mother judged everything. Now she finds nobody wants to be around her. She gave unsolicited advice too. Just as she has lost her censor her "friends" have too and they no problem telling she is judgmental and nasty.

OP, rather than inserting yourself where you don't belong, consider counting your blessings and spending your free time doing volunteer work with those less fortunate.

By the way, my oldest has autism and while we do expect him to be able to have a job of some sort, he will likely live with us most of his life. Glad to know there are people like you who will assume I am abusive and overbearing when I have devoted endless hours and money to his therapies and advocating. I have dealt with more adversity than you could fathom between my own illness, difficult aging parents, husband's surgery and difficult recovery. Get some perspective and leave those of us forever parents alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your privilege is showing and you have way too much time on your hands to be judgmental. The first question to think about is, do they all seem fine with the arrangement? if so, there is no issue.

There are many reasons multi-generational families live together which include-love and harmony, culture, financial, illness, mental health issues, neurodevelopmental issues and more. It is disgusting and disturbing to assume this is abusive.

My mother was like you and moved out as soon as we could. She judged the European family next door where the daughters lived at home until they married in their 30s. Now she envies how close they are and how often the grandkids come to visit the loving and generous grandparents.

My mother judged everything. Now she finds nobody wants to be around her. She gave unsolicited advice too. Just as she has lost her censor her "friends" have too and they no problem telling she is judgmental and nasty.

OP, rather than inserting yourself where you don't belong, consider counting your blessings and spending your free time doing volunteer work with those less fortunate.

By the way, my oldest has autism and while we do expect him to be able to have a job of some sort, he will likely live with us most of his life. Glad to know there are people like you who will assume I am abusive and overbearing when I have devoted endless hours and money to his therapies and advocating. I have dealt with more adversity than you could fathom between my own illness, difficult aging parents, husband's surgery and difficult recovery. Get some perspective and leave those of us forever parents alone.

Multi-generational living requires psychologically healthy people and families who set and honor boundaries (hint: not most people).

Otherwise it’s an amalgamation of DSM 5 disorders that would have Freud rolling in his grave.