Kids who work but never move on/out

[Anonymous]

Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse.

[Anonymous]

You know several?
I don’t know any.

[Anonymous]

The only ones I know have disabilities. Their incapability has nothing to do with their mother’s personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse.

I don't know any. All the mums I know, want/wanted their daughters married and all the daughters wanted to marry or just live independently. Ones whose parents were overprotective, moved to other cities or states. Unless adult child has some issues themselves, I don't see how a parent can keep them at home.

[Anonymous]

It can be a cultural thing and may be normal and acceptable fir daughters. It can be a financial thing as you don't know anyone's financial condition, student loans and low income can be very limiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse.

If daughter is grown and employed, how is this child abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse.

If daughter is grown and employed, how is this child abuse?

It’s called enmeshed parenting. I know a few people like that, not one is disabled or has any health issues, but each one has a very overbearing mother. I usually see it go one of two ways: either the daughter moves as far away as possible, or the daughter can never let go (has been stifled emotionally since childhood) and never launches. Coincidentally, 2 of the women l I know are teachers, one works in the family business, and one is a nurse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse.

The only cases where I have seen it there was undiagnosed or untreated mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only ones I know have disabilities. Their incapability has nothing to do with their mother’s personality.

+1

Or the parent or a sibling is disabled. Or there’s some other challenge again unrelated to an overbearing mother. A friend had a baby at 18 and then at 21. She’s always worked and never been on public assistance, but she’s always lived with her mom and late dad although her kids are now 30+. The issue is that she makes too little to afford her own place, but too much for Section 8. Now that her widowed mom is in her late 70s, she needs help around the house that she’d have to pay for if my friend didn’t live there. It’s a nice deal. She raised her kids in a nice working class neighborhood with a yard and her mom gets to age in place. No child abuse involved.

[Anonymous]

our son (28) is like that. educated, employed, and too comfortable. we don't push or pull and he is not showing any signs of wanting to move out. he is saving good money though. we don't charge expenses/rent either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse.

If daughter is grown and employed, how is this child abuse?

It’s called enmeshed parenting. I know a few people like that, not one is disabled or has any health issues, but each one has a very overbearing mother. I usually see it go one of two ways: either the daughter moves as far away as possible, or the daughter can never let go (has been stifled emotionally since childhood) and never launches. Coincidentally, 2 of the women l I know are teachers, one works in the family business, and one is a nurse.

Ok but it's more complicated than that. Except in extreme cases, the adult child can decide to move out and create their own life.

In my family, I chose to move far away and create my own life, and I am not enmeshed with my parents. My sister chose to rely heavily on my parents financially, move back in with them at various times, and live nearby. She remained very enmeshed with them and only recently, in her mid-40s, has she realized why this is a problem and sought to create healthier boundaries. But there have also been times during her adulthood when that enmeshment worked for her, because she likes being able to rely on them in this way. It only started becoming a problem as they aged and started relying on her more.

But I view it as a joint mistake. My parents should have encouraged her to be more independent in her 20s and found ways to be emotionally supportive without literally supporting her (there were many years when she not only lived with them but also worked for my dad). But my sister has agency. She could have left. She liked the ease of relying on them, which spared her some of the growing pains of figuring out how to navigate the world on her own. She was not manipulated into it -- it was her choice.

[Anonymous]

Finances are usually the main reason behind enmeshment. Either parents or adult kids need to stay together to make the lifestyle work.

[Anonymous]

This is how most of the world lives if a daughter or son doesn’t get married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:our son (28) is like that. educated, employed, and too comfortable. we don't push or pull and he is not showing any signs of wanting to move out. he is saving good money though. we don't charge expenses/rent either

you're enabling him to be dependent, as an adult. That's not really attractive for a woman for a ltr, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how most of the world lives if a daughter or son doesn’t get married

that's usually due to necessity or a conservative culture.

I grew up in such a culture, but I moved out as soon as I could.