Private school friends not interested in weekend playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t reciprocate bc we live in an apartment. It’s nothing personal.

you’re using living in an apartment as an excuse. It’s part of your life story not an excuse for letting your kids have friends over. Kids don’t care about space or how big your houses is.
Or you take your kid and a friend to the playground….. don’t event need to go to your house.

Not your apartment, not your kid, not your say that matters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, this is our story and my gripe. 3 years into our school, I've given up.

The "playdates" are class bday parties or after school programs.

It totally dumbfounds me. There are many playdates I've arranged and with no/low reciprocation, like OP.

The girls seems to do better than the boys re playdates, who go sport to sport.

So neighborhood, church, pool, and camp friends are the playdates, not the classmates. And yeah, concur makes public compelling.

Guessing a post COVID thing?

Sounds like there are a lot of sporty boys in your child’s class. Sporty boys have tight schedules. They become close teammates and may have more get togethers on that front, especially if they’re in travel sports and play dates happen in before, after or in between distant games in, for example, Richmond or Annapolis. Also many sporty boys can be hyperaggressive and annoying to host.

Don’t take it personally but if you think you can find a better dynamic elsewhere, worth checking around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is in first grade in private school, and we have been at this school for two years. I am really bothered by the fact that none of my son's classmates have ever invited him to a playdate. He has 5 super close friends in the class, and we have invited those kids over to our house many times, I've organized playdates and meetups at parks and playgrounds, as well as invited their whole families over for pizza, but not once has any of the other parents invited my child or our family to do anything outside of school--like not even a park meetup. I know these kids really like my son, and the parents are usually happy to meet up for whatever I organize, but there has been zero reciprocation. I also know that these other parents talk a lot with each other (but not with me). I don't really know why we're left out of the loop or not included. Last week I learned that one of my son's best friends invited a few other classmates over to his house but my son was not invited, and this really upset me.

This whole thing really bothers me and it's one reason I'm considering leaving private for public. I want my son to have friendships outside of school and I want him to hang out with his classmates outside of school, but for the past two years, there has been no interest from the other families in doing so. My son has a few other friends from church, etc. but mainly wants to hang out with his school friends on weekends. Is this typical for private school or did we just get stuck with a class of disinterested parents?

I like you. You play by your own rules!

[Anonymous]

The other kids are doing sports and other lessons all weekend or are at their country or beach house or traveling. They just don’t have time for a “play date.”

[Anonymous]

My kids were in public for most of elementary and then in private. Most of the dynamics that are complained about in this thread— harder for an only, kids in outside activities or sports together, or moms are friends, are also present at public school. The only thing unique to private is families living some distance away, I definitely did not pursue play dates with kids who lived more than half an hour from us.

I will say this thread give too little agency to the kids. From an early age, my kids had definite preferences about who they wanted to be friends with, even if they got along well enough to enjoy a playdate with most kids. It just may be your kid hasn’t found their people yet.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a big play date reciprocater. Literally maybe 1-2 times per year. We have 3 kids and have a hard enough time managing schedules/deconflicting our own stuff.

Don’t stress. If people don’t like your kid, they won’t come over when invited or he won’t get invited to birthday parties.

I know it’s hard, but try to find other adult friends (in your neighborhood etc) so that you don’t rely on your son’s school for a social circle.

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes it is due to luck. We've made a lot of friends at my youngest's preschool because there are a lot of families where it's their oldest and they are looking to meet other families. With my oldest who was in 1st it's been less frequent. Families are more spread out and have their own groups already. Everyone is friendly and my kid has a lot of friends and is happy but we're not socializing as much with the families. My youngest is actually starting at my oldest school and this year it's all siblings. Like way more siblings than usual..I feel bad for any families that are new to the school because alot of the kids will have built in social lives because of older siblings. Another year things might look very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

Interesting to whom? Do you talk about it a lot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, this is our story and my gripe. 3 years into our school, I've given up.

The "playdates" are class bday parties or after school programs.

It totally dumbfounds me. There are many playdates I've arranged and with no/low reciprocation, like OP.

The girls seems to do better than the boys re playdates, who go sport to sport.

So neighborhood, church, pool, and camp friends are the playdates, not the classmates. And yeah, concur makes public compelling.

Guessing a post COVID thing?

Sounds like there are a lot of sporty boys in your child’s class. Sporty boys have tight schedules. They become close teammates and may have more get togethers on that front, especially if they’re in travel sports and play dates happen in before, after or in between distant games in, for example, Richmond or Annapolis. Also many sporty boys can be hyperaggressive and annoying to host.

Don’t take it personally but if you think you can find a better dynamic elsewhere, worth checking around.

This is the dynamic at our school as well. Also, as they get a little older (think 1st or 2nd grade), this really gets entrenched. You see friends at sports, at sports camp, at the pool, at after-school enrichments. Every once in awhile there's a "playdate" (though even that is often a meetup at the playground to kick the soccer ball or something), but the schedules get really tight. As a parent of boys, I don't love how all-encompassing the sports schedules get so young, but it's either that or they don't play the sport, sadly. I certainly wouldn't chalk it up to lack of charisma. Things are just really busy, family time is precious, and extra-curriculars are really the "playdates."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t reciprocate bc we live in an apartment. It’s nothing personal.

you’re using living in an apartment as an excuse. It’s part of your life story not an excuse for letting your kids have friends over. Kids don’t care about space or how big your houses is.
Or you take your kid and a friend to the playground….. don’t event need to go to your house.

Not your apartment, not your kid, not your say that matters?

We live in an apartment. My kid's friends all live in large houses. We reciprocate. They like our place. It is in a walkable neighborhood while their houses all require driving or bus/metro ride.

[Anonymous]

Getting hung up on reciprocation is going to leave you miserable. If your DS has friends who will come over when invited for playdates, then I think you and he are doing fine.

My example for you - DS has had the same best friend since 1st grade. For a number of reasons, the kids would hang out at our house (despite friend's house being much bigger/nicer). This lasted years, and friend pretty much lived at our house every weekend during Covid. It never bothered me, but DH was always upset that the hosting wasn't reciprocated. Well, finally, DS and friend have now decided that friend's house is the cool house and are hanging out over there (DS is now 15, so admittedly, it's taken a while).

[Anonymous]

At my private, families travel a lot during the weekends. Especially during long weekends. That may be a part of it. Volunteering also gets you close to other families.

[Anonymous]

We don’t get invited for play dates. Frankly, we think it is a blessing to not be invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No I haven't really made mom friends in the sense that I would invite one out for coffee or lunch and they would accept, or who are interested in getting to know me. More mom friends in the sense that if I had a question about something I would feel comfortable texting to ask, but we don't meet up without the kids. I wish I could make mom friends in the class or at the school, but none of them seem interested, and most are all friends with each other.

Yes, my child is an only. I've noticed that the families with same age kids all hang out together and are family friends, and that unfortunately leaves us with no families to hang out with since my kid is the only only child in the class.

Ding ding ding! This is your answer. There have been many posts about this and it has nothing to do with private school families. Parents of only children are always complaining that they organize all the meet ups and nobody reciprocates. I am also the parent of an only child. We are usually more desperate to plan and host playdates because this is the only way our child can socialize with other kids. I really just had to stop resenting the fact that families with multiple kids don't usually invite us, as long as they are happy to come when I invite them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone who has responded. I also am pretty disappointed that none of the other moms wants to be my friend. I was hoping this school would be our main source of a social life and friends (both friends for my child and family friends) and we have been really disappointed that that has not been the case. I don't understand why the moms are neutral at best or give me the cold shoulder at worst. I have so much in common with them, but they make it clear they're not interested in getting to know me. I have invited a few out to coffee and one responded and we went, and it was a nice time but then later she started ignoring me at class events. The others didn't even respond when I invited them out for coffee. One time I invited one of the families over for a game night and the mom didn't even bother to respond, I found that really upsetting. I know that many of the moms are getting together with each other, because I hear about this at different events. I went to a birthday party a few weeks ago and found out that a bunch of the dads keep in touch via text. My husband has never been included in anything socially through the class.

Why don't the other moms want to be my friend? Any ideas?