Private school friends not interested in weekend playdates

[Anonymous]

Weekends are for family (nuclear and extended) and other friends. We attend events for school friends and will accept invites for playdates, but these often feel disruptive bc we have do much else going on. With three kids, I'm never the one initiating the playdate, except with my first when all the moms used to hang together too. Now I just don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No I haven't really made mom friends in the sense that I would invite one out for coffee or lunch and they would accept, or who are interested in getting to know me. More mom friends in the sense that if I had a question about something I would feel comfortable texting to ask, but we don't meet up without the kids. I wish I could make mom friends in the class or at the school, but none of them seem interested, and most are all friends with each other.

Yes, my child is an only. I've noticed that the families with same age kids all hang out together and are family friends, and that unfortunately leaves us with no families to hang out with since my kid is the only only child in the class.

This makes sense now. I used to have an only and then 8 years later had my second. When I had just one kid, I remember overly fixating on what others were doing outside of school that I was not invited to. Once I had a second, I didn't really pay as much attention or care because my kids, as far apart as they are in age, still had/have each other. Unfortunately, it's much more motivation for a parent if hanging out with you means BOTH or all three of their kids will be entertained but when you have an only they may think twice about splitting up the kids/family during precious weekend time.

[Anonymous]

I don’t reciprocate bc we live in an apartment. It’s nothing personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would love some tips on how to be charismatic, as I am definitely not! I have no idea how to be more like that. I'm more of a serious type of introvert who prefers one on one conversation.

The dressing well part is easy to do and I do make an effort in that area. I don't think anyone notices or cares though.

Some of the moms have older kids and yes, those families do hang out together. Most of the class has a child in first grade (our class) and then one in third or fourth. And the rest of the moms have a child in our class and a younger sibling, and they all hang out together. Whenever I invite my child's first grade friends on a playdate out somewhere, the moms always bring the older or younger siblings, which I find a bit annoying. Unless it's a playdate at our house, they always bring the siblings, even if it's an activity the other sibling wouldn't really like. So I feel like we are the odd ones out, being the only only child family in the class because we don't have another family we connect with in that way.

But it really bothers me when I attend the all-class events or school events, and I'll try to make small talk with a mom, and she'll chat for a polite minute or two and then make an excuse and leave. How do I handle this problem? I don't get why I'm not interesting enough to chat with for a few minutes. I find it very off-putting.

Stop being bothered and be happy that you are chatting with people. If you chat less time with each person the more people you can chat with. If you are introverted you probably get nervous and end up making a lot of responses and yes and nos. It happens. Try picking up on something the person says and talk about that to keep the conversation going.

1st grade can me older siblings or younger siblings or both and if there are older siblings using the younger ones are going along with the older one's schedule for activities, etc.

I admit that brining all the siblings for a 1st grade playdate is weird. But if they insist, you could suggest meeting up at a park to play.

There is always at least one or two really nice moms, make sure to always say hi and chat with them. Consider hosting a back to school event at your house for the class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No I haven't really made mom friends in the sense that I would invite one out for coffee or lunch and they would accept, or who are interested in getting to know me. More mom friends in the sense that if I had a question about something I would feel comfortable texting to ask, but we don't meet up without the kids. I wish I could make mom friends in the class or at the school, but none of them seem interested, and most are all friends with each other.

Yes, my child is an only. I've noticed that the families with same age kids all hang out together and are family friends, and that unfortunately leaves us with no families to hang out with since my kid is the only only child in the class.

How do you know? Have you tried? Adults are notoriously terrible at making friendships, particularly when it requires putting ourselves out there and being open to rejection. I'm a fellow introvert so 100% get this, as well as the tendency to assume that people will say no. (Also - any chance your introversion comes with a healthy dose of social anxiety? It's pretty common and makes reaching out even harder.)

I'd suggest picking one of those friends who you're comfortable texting with a question and sending a message along the lines of "Hey - it was great catching up a bit at [insert recent school event]. I'd love a chance to pick your brain more about [insert something school-related - volunteer roles, the second grade teachers, your experience at the school, whatever]. Would you have time to grab coffee and chat after drop-off some day?"

You're going to feel super awkward. They may say no. They may say yes and you'll meet and nothing will come of it. You may hit it off. No matter what the outcome, do it again with another parent. Building a social network is hard and requires continuous work. But you can do it. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I recommend Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Nothing wrong with not being "charismatic," much better that you and your kid are comfortable being yourselves whether at this school or any other. Some of this gets easier as kids get older and make their own plans...hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t reciprocate bc we live in an apartment. It’s nothing personal.

you’re using living in an apartment as an excuse. It’s part of your life story not an excuse for letting your kids have friends over. Kids don’t care about space or how big your houses is.
Or you take your kid and a friend to the playground….. don’t event need to go to your house.

[Anonymous]

Well, this is our story and my gripe. 3 years into our school, I've given up.

The "playdates" are class bday parties or after school programs.

It totally dumbfounds me. There are many playdates I've arranged and with no/low reciprocation, like OP.

The girls seems to do better than the boys re playdates, who go sport to sport.

So neighborhood, church, pool, and camp friends are the playdates, not the classmates. And yeah, concur makes public compelling.

Guessing a post COVID thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

This is not going to be popular but here goes.. Dress well (make an effort) so you'll stand out. Throw on a love bangle, wear your Hermes bag, etc. Avoid "comfy" clothes. Then, be assertive. Continue to be a part of the conversation. If people are floating around and float past you after a hello, then follow them and float around yourself.

Ask others questions that they will be proud to answer. People love talking about themselves. "I noticed you have a fully electric vehicle. That's fab. Tell me the difference its made in your life..etc.."

Yeah, bring a 12K+ bag to the playground. That's not weird at all.

Poor attempt at trolling.

[Anonymous]

As long as you ask and they still attend/want to come over, please don't sweat it. So many people in the area have things going on with work, their other kids, etc etc etc.

[Anonymous]

I think this probably has to do with the fact that you have an only child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

This is not going to be popular but here goes.. Dress well (make an effort) so you'll stand out. Throw on a love bangle, wear your Hermes bag, etc. Avoid "comfy" clothes. Then, be assertive. Continue to be a part of the conversation. If people are floating around and float past you after a hello, then follow them and float around yourself.

Ask others questions that they will be proud to answer. People love talking about themselves. "I noticed you have a fully electric vehicle. That's fab. Tell me the difference its made in your life..etc.."

Yeah, bring a 12K+ bag to the playground. That's not weird at all.

Poor attempt at trolling.

That PP above you is probably talking about pick ups.

[Anonymous]

Are they stay at home or working mums? I’m a nanny and my nanny kids only ever have playdates during the week, with me. The weekends are for family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

This is not going to be popular but here goes.. Dress well (make an effort) so you'll stand out. Throw on a love bangle, wear your Hermes bag, etc. Avoid "comfy" clothes. Then, be assertive. Continue to be a part of the conversation. If people are floating around and float past you after a hello, then follow them and float around yourself.

Ask others questions that they will be proud to answer. People love talking about themselves. "I noticed you have a fully electric vehicle. That's fab. Tell me the difference its made in your life..etc.."

Yeah, bring a 12K+ bag to the playground. That's not weird at all.

Poor attempt at trolling.

That PP above you is probably talking about pick ups.

Well then, glad we've cleared that up, and certainly makes the suggestion to tote a $12k bag around seem downright reasonable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would love some tips on how to be charismatic, as I am definitely not! I have no idea how to be more like that. I'm more of a serious type of introvert who prefers one on one conversation.

The dressing well part is easy to do and I do make an effort in that area. I don't think anyone notices or cares though.

Some of the moms have older kids and yes, those families do hang out together. Most of the class has a child in first grade (our class) and then one in third or fourth. And the rest of the moms have a child in our class and a younger sibling, and they all hang out together. Whenever I invite my child's first grade friends on a playdate out somewhere, the moms always bring the older or younger siblings, which I find a bit annoying. Unless it's a playdate at our house, they always bring the siblings, even if it's an activity the other sibling wouldn't really like. So I feel like we are the odd ones out, being the only only child family in the class because we don't have another family we connect with in that way.

But it really bothers me when I attend the all-class events or school events, and I'll try to make small talk with a mom, and she'll chat for a polite minute or two and then make an excuse and leave. How do I handle this problem? I don't get why I'm not interesting enough to chat with for a few minutes. I find it very off-putting.

This is it.

Don't bother getting a Birkin or reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
Only stay at this school if you are okay with this dynamic continuing all through ES especially if your DD's grade has a small size with few classes.

BTDT, my DC's whole grade was like this and we held out thinking it would get better in later years. It didn't.
It's just luck. The grade below us had a very different make-up and were so welcoming.