Private school friends not interested in weekend playdates

[Anonymous]

My child is in first grade in private school, and we have been at this school for two years. I am really bothered by the fact that none of my son's classmates have ever invited him to a playdate. He has 5 super close friends in the class, and we have invited those kids over to our house many times, I've organized playdates and meetups at parks and playgrounds, as well as invited their whole families over for pizza, but not once has any of the other parents invited my child or our family to do anything outside of school--like not even a park meetup. I know these kids really like my son, and the parents are usually happy to meet up for whatever I organize, but there has been zero reciprocation. I also know that these other parents talk a lot with each other (but not with me). I don't really know why we're left out of the loop or not included. Last week I learned that one of my son's best friends invited a few other classmates over to his house but my son was not invited, and this really upset me.

This whole thing really bothers me and it's one reason I'm considering leaving private for public. I want my son to have friendships outside of school and I want him to hang out with his classmates outside of school, but for the past two years, there has been no interest from the other families in doing so. My son has a few other friends from church, etc. but mainly wants to hang out with his school friends on weekends. Is this typical for private school or did we just get stuck with a class of disinterested parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is in first grade in private school, and we have been at this school for two years. I am really bothered by the fact that none of my son's classmates have ever invited him to a playdate. He has 5 super close friends in the class, and we have invited those kids over to our house many times, I've organized playdates and meetups at parks and playgrounds, as well as invited their whole families over for pizza, but not once has any of the other parents invited my child or our family to do anything outside of school--like not even a park meetup. I know these kids really like my son, and the parents are usually happy to meet up for whatever I organize, but there has been zero reciprocation. I also know that these other parents talk a lot with each other (but not with me). I don't really know why we're left out of the loop or not included. Last week I learned that one of my son's best friends invited a few other classmates over to his house but my son was not invited, and this really upset me.

This whole thing really bothers me and it's one reason I'm considering leaving private for public. I want my son to have friendships outside of school and I want him to hang out with his classmates outside of school, but for the past two years, there has been no interest from the other families in doing so. My son has a few other friends from church, etc. but mainly wants to hang out with his school friends on weekends. Is this typical for private school or did we just get stuck with a class of disinterested parents?

Are you charismatic? Do you present well? Do you try to be social?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

Well thank god you're slim. Heaven forbid you're fat.

[Anonymous]

We’re at private now, DD started in 4th and is going into 6th.
She’s definitely got friends, and I’ve made mom friends, but as far as reciprocating for play dates it’s the same as you.
Is your kid an only? I feel like those of us with onlys want play dates more than those who have 2+ kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

Well thank god you're slim. Heaven forbid you're fat.

Lol. I’m fat 5’7 and 176lbs.
Still got mom friends who I consider a village. We’re also the only 2 mom family at our Christian school so I was nervous about that at first. I’ve made really good friends though. I think it helps I go in and volunteer, that’s how I started connecting.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No I haven't really made mom friends in the sense that I would invite one out for coffee or lunch and they would accept, or who are interested in getting to know me. More mom friends in the sense that if I had a question about something I would feel comfortable texting to ask, but we don't meet up without the kids. I wish I could make mom friends in the class or at the school, but none of them seem interested, and most are all friends with each other.

Yes, my child is an only. I've noticed that the families with same age kids all hang out together and are family friends, and that unfortunately leaves us with no families to hang out with since my kid is the only only child in the class.

[Anonymous]

The same thing happens at public school. Groups of parents tend to form around shared proximity - neighbors, same pool, same sports team, same church, a group of friends among older siblings. The spontaneous conversations happen at associated events, or there is a group text for carpool and planning. Play dates and group outings are often scheduled before or after the shared event. Is there an obvious connection they share that you are not part of?

I would not switch to your local public unless you have a sense of your neighborhood and whether you would be able to build a community there.

[Anonymous]

I'm stunned that your child is the only only child in the class. Are you in the DMV? Religious-based school? Our DMV non-religious private has a ton of only children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No I haven't really made mom friends in the sense that I would invite one out for coffee or lunch and they would accept, or who are interested in getting to know me. More mom friends in the sense that if I had a question about something I would feel comfortable texting to ask, but we don't meet up without the kids. I wish I could make mom friends in the class or at the school, but none of them seem interested, and most are all friends with each other.

Yes, my child is an only. I've noticed that the families with same age kids all hang out together and are family friends, and that unfortunately leaves us with no families to hang out with since my kid is the only only child in the class.

Being an only is not the issue. I love when my kids make friends with only children. I have two kids. It’s easy for me to fit a 3rd in my car. It’s easier to schedule with only child families. I don’t have to think about whether your kids’ ages line up with mine and if I should invite the sibling.

[Anonymous]

Do these moms have older kids at the school? Sometimes, the parents' most important friend group is formed with the first child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

This is not going to be popular but here goes.. Dress well (make an effort) so you'll stand out. Throw on a love bangle, wear your Hermes bag, etc. Avoid "comfy" clothes. Then, be assertive. Continue to be a part of the conversation. If people are floating around and float past you after a hello, then follow them and float around yourself.

Ask others questions that they will be proud to answer. People love talking about themselves. "I noticed you have a fully electric vehicle. That's fab. Tell me the difference its made in your life..etc.."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm stunned that your child is the only only child in the class. Are you in the DMV? Religious-based school? Our DMV non-religious private has a ton of only children.

Umm. it isn't as common as you make it sound. Mine is the only only in a private, too. if you don't have an only how would you even know unless you were consciously or subconsciously notating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do these moms have older kids at the school? Sometimes, the parents' most important friend group is formed with the first child.

Yaasss! Exactly.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have two kids in private, rising 1st and 4th graders. We became close with the family of one of my 4th grader's friends during Covid and those 2 have playdates all the time. We have had several of his other friends over for playdates but it has only been reciprocated once.

As for my rising 1st grader, we have now hosted 3 of his friends for one play date each, and have only had one family reciprocate (they invited us to a multi-family meet-up at a public spot).

I think people are just busy and stressed at the idea of having people over, but who knows. I'm not the most interesting person in the room but I connect easily with other moms. I think PP is right that people just do what's easy, and that often means the kids who are neighbors, share an activity, etc.