Private school friends not interested in weekend playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has responded. I also am pretty disappointed that none of the other moms wants to be my friend. I was hoping this school would be our main source of a social life and friends (both friends for my child and family friends) and we have been really disappointed that that has not been the case. I don't understand why the moms are neutral at best or give me the cold shoulder at worst. I have so much in common with them, but they make it clear they're not interested in getting to know me. I have invited a few out to coffee and one responded and we went, and it was a nice time but then later she started ignoring me at class events. The others didn't even respond when I invited them out for coffee. One time I invited one of the families over for a game night and the mom didn't even bother to respond, I found that really upsetting. I know that many of the moms are getting together with each other, because I hear about this at different events. I went to a birthday party a few weeks ago and found out that a bunch of the dads keep in touch via text. My husband has never been included in anything socially through the class.

Why don't the other moms want to be my friend? Any ideas?

Sorry to hear that, OP. Maybe it's just hard to find people you click with. I would try to let friendships grow slowly rather than expecting too much too soon from people. I know 2 years sounds like a long time to you, but I have a teen DD and I have some friendships with a few of the parents at my DD's school that took several years to develop. These people were just pleasant acquaintances for a very very long time until an actual friendship formed. If I were you, I would keep planning these casual meet-ups and don't expect too much too soon. I would also branch out and join some social groups that aren't related to your kids. Maybe a book club? Music group? What are your other interests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has responded. I also am pretty disappointed that none of the other moms wants to be my friend. I was hoping this school would be our main source of a social life and friends (both friends for my child and family friends) and we have been really disappointed that that has not been the case. I don't understand why the moms are neutral at best or give me the cold shoulder at worst. I have so much in common with them, but they make it clear they're not interested in getting to know me. I have invited a few out to coffee and one responded and we went, and it was a nice time but then later she started ignoring me at class events. The others didn't even respond when I invited them out for coffee. One time I invited one of the families over for a game night and the mom didn't even bother to respond, I found that really upsetting. I know that many of the moms are getting together with each other, because I hear about this at different events. I went to a birthday party a few weeks ago and found out that a bunch of the dads keep in touch via text. My husband has never been included in anything socially through the class.

Why don't the other moms want to be my friend? Any ideas?

Don’t you have your own friends?

I have 3 kids so I have picked up a few of my own adult friends over the years. A few moms and I recently clicked and lunch occasionally. It isn’t that we are excluding anyone. It is that sometimes people click and for whatever reason, you don’t click with them.

My youngest is a girl and I have a large age gap between my older two. I definitely feel she isn’t included as much and I know it is likely because many of her classmates have younger siblings. The entire family hangs out together. We did the same wheb my boys were younger. I host often and people always come. I used to get upset about reciprocation but now I have accepted it.

[Anonymous]

Do these moms have older kids at the school? Sometimes, the parents' most important friend group is formed with the first child.

This was definitely true in our school.

[Anonymous]

The purpose of your child's schooling is not for YOU to make friends. It's great if it happens, but clearly this isn't really about playdates for your kid. The issue is YOUR lack of "playdates". You need friends, as we all do, but you're trying to force the school community to provide those for you, and it's not working. You need to develop friendships based on more.

Those of us who have multiples and/or older kids know that these school friendships among adults are MOSTLY transient. People move, their kids change schools, start hanging out without parents, etc, and what had been a close friendship no longer is one just because of circumstances.

[Anonymous]

It's the DMV. Seriously. People here aren't that nice. Public or private. Unless you are in a specifically nice neighborhood, there is nice (everyone is polite, gets along, etc) and then there's actually nice (people who actually have manners ti reciprocate and/or are warm enough to think if their kids" friends not just their kid:themselves).

I've gone through this for both my kids having the former. Only children is not an excuse I invited DDs only child good friend 3x already over and she has yet to reciprocate even though she's super nice to us. It really comes down to the person.

Most warm people I meet tend to leave DMV sooner or later. Unfortunately because DH family here I am stuck here but I am from Midwest where people most definitely do not act like this consistently.

Good luck try to bear it. It's not you and it's not private. It's this area and just luck.

[Anonymous]

Op, have you made friends at work? On your neighborhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has responded. I also am pretty disappointed that none of the other moms wants to be my friend. I was hoping this school would be our main source of a social life and friends (both friends for my child and family friends) and we have been really disappointed that that has not been the case. I don't understand why the moms are neutral at best or give me the cold shoulder at worst. I have so much in common with them, but they make it clear they're not interested in getting to know me. I have invited a few out to coffee and one responded and we went, and it was a nice time but then later she started ignoring me at class events. The others didn't even respond when I invited them out for coffee. One time I invited one of the families over for a game night and the mom didn't even bother to respond, I found that really upsetting. I know that many of the moms are getting together with each other, because I hear about this at different events. I went to a birthday party a few weeks ago and found out that a bunch of the dads keep in touch via text. My husband has never been included in anything socially through the class.

Why don't the other moms want to be my friend? Any ideas?

You might be misunderstanding the nature of these mom groups. They are friendships born out of convenience. They get to hang out with mom friends while all their kids get entertained. They get something out of it more than just friendship.
Some of these will dissolve after their kids grow apart. That's just the space these people reside in now. They really don’t have time for independent friendships. It has nothing to do with any affinity they have with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has responded. I also am pretty disappointed that none of the other moms wants to be my friend. I was hoping this school would be our main source of a social life and friends (both friends for my child and family friends) and we have been really disappointed that that has not been the case. I don't understand why the moms are neutral at best or give me the cold shoulder at worst. I have so much in common with them, but they make it clear they're not interested in getting to know me. I have invited a few out to coffee and one responded and we went, and it was a nice time but then later she started ignoring me at class events. The others didn't even respond when I invited them out for coffee. One time I invited one of the families over for a game night and the mom didn't even bother to respond, I found that really upsetting. I know that many of the moms are getting together with each other, because I hear about this at different events. I went to a birthday party a few weeks ago and found out that a bunch of the dads keep in touch via text. My husband has never been included in anything socially through the class.

Why don't the other moms want to be my friend? Any ideas?

Sorry to hear that, OP. Maybe it's just hard to find people you click with. I would try to let friendships grow slowly rather than expecting too much too soon from people. I know 2 years sounds like a long time to you, but I have a teen DD and I have some friendships with a few of the parents at my DD's school that took several years to develop. These people were just pleasant acquaintances for a very very long time until an actual friendship formed. If I were you, I would keep planning these casual meet-ups and don't expect too much too soon. I would also branch out and join some social groups that aren't related to your kids. Maybe a book club? Music group? What are your other interests?

+1 I was barely holding it together when my kids were small. They’re in high school now, and some of my dearest friends were people I frantically waved at while running from one birthday party to another. It took a while to have the bandwidth to make actual friends. I hope this becomes your experience too, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The purpose of your child's schooling is not for YOU to make friends. It's great if it happens, but clearly this isn't really about playdates for your kid. The issue is YOUR lack of "playdates". You need friends, as we all do, but you're trying to force the school community to provide those for you, and it's not working. You need to develop friendships based on more.

Those of us who have multiples and/or older kids know that these school friendships among adults are MOSTLY transient. People move, their kids change schools, start hanging out without parents, etc, and what had been a close friendship no longer is one just because of circumstances.

so true.

I'm on the other side of this now (kid is at uni) but many of these friendships change or disappear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The purpose of your child's schooling is not for YOU to make friends. It's great if it happens, but clearly this isn't really about playdates for your kid. The issue is YOUR lack of "playdates". You need friends, as we all do, but you're trying to force the school community to provide those for you, and it's not working. You need to develop friendships based on more.

Those of us who have multiples and/or older kids know that these school friendships among adults are MOSTLY transient. People move, their kids change schools, start hanging out without parents, etc, and what had been a close friendship no longer is one just because of circumstances.

Your child should have friends from school. This is not the way you should be making friends.

Is your child happy at the school?

[Anonymous]

OP, I do think you’re approaching this the wrong way and that’s why things aren’t working. The majority of the moms you are encountering are not looking for new friends for themselves at their kid’s school. Your overtures for kid play dates are likely very thinly veiled attempts to schedule social interactions for yourself. That could be off putting too many. I would suggest looking for friends somewhere else. What did you do to socialize before you became a mother?

[Anonymous]

This was my experience all throughout my kids preschool years. I kept wondering why the other families seemed to be hanging out together, and when we were at school events I felt like a non entity. I also would try my best to be an interesting conversationalist, and to ask questions about the other person and follow up from prior conversations, but it didn’t seem to help at all. This continued for a few years after in early ES, and then covid hit and we found a couple of families to do activities with. And in the post covid years it has gotten a lot better. I have no idea why the initial slow start, but I’m a lot like you from what I’m reading. I’ve tried to develop adult activities too that don’t involve the kids or their friends’ families. That’s been semi successful and I can honestly say I now have school mom friends, family friends, and non-parent friends that are real friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

Well thank god you're slim. Heaven forbid you're fat.

Let's be honest, it helps.

This is not going to be popular but it is true to a certain extent. It doesn't make an unfun person fun, but it definitely increases interest in hanging out with you. I am about 15-20 lbs heavier than pre-pandemic (as I sit here stuffing cheese and crackers in my mouth - ugh) and feel like i get much less positive attention from the other moms.

[Anonymous]

I like don’t host play dates because I’m exhausted from work and never see my kid. Please don’t take it personally!

[Anonymous]

First grade is drop off age. Other families have other kids who are probably busy with sports or younger siblings.

I have three kids. My middle son has a few only child friends and also one child who is the youngest with a teen and college brother. These parents host my kid often and we rarely reciprocate.

My oldest is shy so I make an extra effort to make plans for him. My youngest is in kindergarten and I have also done a few play dates for her.

Between my three kids, I am shuffling between tennis and swim and dance class and basketball and any other things that pop up. If we have time to host, we are inviting our adult friends and their kids. If anything, I let mh kid have a friend over before or after sports practice when they are on the same team and we drive to practice together.

Does your kid sign up with sports or activities with classmates? I would try to get on the same soccer team or baseball or whatever sport your kid plays.