Private school friends not interested in weekend playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

I've bolded the flags. Work on those.


Be charismatic. Be sure you're presenting well. Dress in a way that feels special.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I would love some tips on how to be charismatic, as I am definitely not! I have no idea how to be more like that. I'm more of a serious type of introvert who prefers one on one conversation.

The dressing well part is easy to do and I do make an effort in that area. I don't think anyone notices or cares though.

Some of the moms have older kids and yes, those families do hang out together. Most of the class has a child in first grade (our class) and then one in third or fourth. And the rest of the moms have a child in our class and a younger sibling, and they all hang out together. Whenever I invite my child's first grade friends on a playdate out somewhere, the moms always bring the older or younger siblings, which I find a bit annoying. Unless it's a playdate at our house, they always bring the siblings, even if it's an activity the other sibling wouldn't really like. So I feel like we are the odd ones out, being the only only child family in the class because we don't have another family we connect with in that way.

But it really bothers me when I attend the all-class events or school events, and I'll try to make small talk with a mom, and she'll chat for a polite minute or two and then make an excuse and leave. How do I handle this problem? I don't get why I'm not interesting enough to chat with for a few minutes. I find it very off-putting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would love some tips on how to be charismatic, as I am definitely not! I have no idea how to be more like that. I'm more of a serious type of introvert who prefers one on one conversation.

The dressing well part is easy to do and I do make an effort in that area. I don't think anyone notices or cares though.

Some of the moms have older kids and yes, those families do hang out together. Most of the class has a child in first grade (our class) and then one in third or fourth. And the rest of the moms have a child in our class and a younger sibling, and they all hang out together. Whenever I invite my child's first grade friends on a playdate out somewhere, the moms always bring the older or younger siblings, which I find a bit annoying. Unless it's a playdate at our house, they always bring the siblings, even if it's an activity the other sibling wouldn't really like. So I feel like we are the odd ones out, being the only only child family in the class because we don't have another family we connect with in that way.

But it really bothers me when I attend the all-class events or school events, and I'll try to make small talk with a mom, and she'll chat for a polite minute or two and then make an excuse and leave. How do I handle this problem? I don't get why I'm not interesting enough to chat with for a few minutes. I find it very off-putting.

This is easy. Get her to talk about herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

Well thank god you're slim. Heaven forbid you're fat.

Let's be honest, it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would love some tips on how to be charismatic, as I am definitely not! I have no idea how to be more like that. I'm more of a serious type of introvert who prefers one on one conversation.

The dressing well part is easy to do and I do make an effort in that area. I don't think anyone notices or cares though.

Some of the moms have older kids and yes, those families do hang out together. Most of the class has a child in first grade (our class) and then one in third or fourth. And the rest of the moms have a child in our class and a younger sibling, and they all hang out together. Whenever I invite my child's first grade friends on a playdate out somewhere, the moms always bring the older or younger siblings, which I find a bit annoying. Unless it's a playdate at our house, they always bring the siblings, even if it's an activity the other sibling wouldn't really like. So I feel like we are the odd ones out, being the only only child family in the class because we don't have another family we connect with in that way.

But it really bothers me when I attend the all-class events or school events, and I'll try to make small talk with a mom, and she'll chat for a polite minute or two and then make an excuse and leave. How do I handle this problem? I don't get why I'm not interesting enough to chat with for a few minutes. I find it very off-putting.

Don't expect reciprocation. If you have a kid who always wants playdates (common w/ only children, IME), then understand you'll be doing most of the hosting. My kids were always happy to go on playdates, but never asked to have them. I mean never. They were happy hanging at home, playing w/ sibling, or doing their extracurricular activities. Get your kid involved in a sport or some other activity outside of school.

As for all the advice on how to get people more interested in you, I don't think it has anything to do w/ how you dress/look. It has to do w/ you being boring. Not sure exactly how you work on that, or even if you need to, but just know it's not your clothes, etc. I know plenty of people who are frumpy (yes, even at private schools!), but funny, smart, and great conversationalists who have tons of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would love some tips on how to be charismatic, as I am definitely not! I have no idea how to be more like that. I'm more of a serious type of introvert who prefers one on one conversation.

The dressing well part is easy to do and I do make an effort in that area. I don't think anyone notices or cares though.

Some of the moms have older kids and yes, those families do hang out together. Most of the class has a child in first grade (our class) and then one in third or fourth. And the rest of the moms have a child in our class and a younger sibling, and they all hang out together. Whenever I invite my child's first grade friends on a playdate out somewhere, the moms always bring the older or younger siblings, which I find a bit annoying. Unless it's a playdate at our house, they always bring the siblings, even if it's an activity the other sibling wouldn't really like. So I feel like we are the odd ones out, being the only only child family in the class because we don't have another family we connect with in that way.

But it really bothers me when I attend the all-class events or school events, and I'll try to make small talk with a mom, and she'll chat for a polite minute or two and then make an excuse and leave. How do I handle this problem? I don't get why I'm not interesting enough to chat with for a few minutes. I find it very off-putting.

Don't expect reciprocation. If you have a kid who always wants playdates (common w/ only children, IME), then understand you'll be doing most of the hosting. My kids were always happy to go on playdates, but never asked to have them. I mean never. They were happy hanging at home, playing w/ sibling, or doing their extracurricular activities. Get your kid involved in a sport or some other activity outside of school.

As for all the advice on how to get people more interested in you, I don't think it has anything to do w/ how you dress/look. It has to do w/ you being boring. Not sure exactly how you work on that, or even if you need to, but just know it's not your clothes, etc. I know plenty of people who are frumpy (yes, even at private schools!), but funny, smart, and great conversationalists who have tons of friends.

Dressing well, acting confident, etc will help her be assertive. I'll point out that upthread she identified herself as slim. Some of her confidence comes from that or she wouldn't have mentioned it. The dressing well, etc is for her confidence. As for boring, she should talk with others about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would love some tips on how to be charismatic, as I am definitely not! I have no idea how to be more like that. I'm more of a serious type of introvert who prefers one on one conversation.

The dressing well part is easy to do and I do make an effort in that area. I don't think anyone notices or cares though.

Some of the moms have older kids and yes, those families do hang out together. Most of the class has a child in first grade (our class) and then one in third or fourth. And the rest of the moms have a child in our class and a younger sibling, and they all hang out together. Whenever I invite my child's first grade friends on a playdate out somewhere, the moms always bring the older or younger siblings, which I find a bit annoying. Unless it's a playdate at our house, they always bring the siblings, even if it's an activity the other sibling wouldn't really like. So I feel like we are the odd ones out, being the only only child family in the class because we don't have another family we connect with in that way.

But it really bothers me when I attend the all-class events or school events, and I'll try to make small talk with a mom, and she'll chat for a polite minute or two and then make an excuse and leave. How do I handle this problem? I don't get why I'm not interesting enough to chat with for a few minutes. I find it very off-putting.

Don't expect reciprocation. If you have a kid who always wants playdates (common w/ only children, IME), then understand you'll be doing most of the hosting. My kids were always happy to go on playdates, but never asked to have them. I mean never. They were happy hanging at home, playing w/ sibling, or doing their extracurricular activities. Get your kid involved in a sport or some other activity outside of school.

As for all the advice on how to get people more interested in you, I don't think it has anything to do w/ how you dress/look. It has to do w/ you being boring. Not sure exactly how you work on that, or even if you need to, but just know it's not your clothes, etc. I know plenty of people who are frumpy (yes, even at private schools!), but funny, smart, and great conversationalists who have tons of friends.

Also does your child play well with siblings?

[Anonymous]

The advice about parent appearance is so strange. I'm schlubby and my kid has lots of invitations.

We often decline or don't reciprocate because (1) we have friends from outside school we want to see, (2) some of the private school classmates are not nice house guests, and (3) we like spending our limited weekend time as a family or with extended family. But it's nothing to do with the parents and certainly not with their appearance or charisma.

OP, I have an only child and it's just easier for us to host than it is for parents of several. If classmates are coming over when invited, you're in a good spot.

[Anonymous]

Sign up to volunteer at the school fall festival or book fair--times when parents are sitting around chatting while they volunteer. Also find out what rec sports the kids play and sign up for those on weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not charismatic. More of an introvert. Do I present well? I'm not really sure. I'm slim and dress nicely, not frumpy, but not anything special. I have an interesting job.

When we're at events, like the end of the year program, the other parents will chat with me for like 2 minutes and then cut the conversation short to move on to talk to someone more interesting. I've definitely noticed this at school events. I have tried to get to know them but they definitely don't seem interested in getting to know me. I don't really know what is going on with that.

This is not going to be popular but here goes.. Dress well (make an effort) so you'll stand out. Throw on a love bangle, wear your Hermes bag, etc. Avoid "comfy" clothes. Then, be assertive. Continue to be a part of the conversation. If people are floating around and float past you after a hello, then follow them and float around yourself.

Ask others questions that they will be proud to answer. People love talking about themselves. "I noticed you have a fully electric vehicle. That's fab. Tell me the difference its made in your life..etc.."

My guess is that OP doesn’t have a Birkin bag and an $8000 Cartier bracelet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would love some tips on how to be charismatic, as I am definitely not! I have no idea how to be more like that. I'm more of a serious type of introvert who prefers one on one conversation.

The dressing well part is easy to do and I do make an effort in that area. I don't think anyone notices or cares though.

Some of the moms have older kids and yes, those families do hang out together. Most of the class has a child in first grade (our class) and then one in third or fourth. And the rest of the moms have a child in our class and a younger sibling, and they all hang out together. Whenever I invite my child's first grade friends on a playdate out somewhere, the moms always bring the older or younger siblings, which I find a bit annoying. Unless it's a playdate at our house, they always bring the siblings, even if it's an activity the other sibling wouldn't really like. So I feel like we are the odd ones out, being the only only child family in the class because we don't have another family we connect with in that way.

But it really bothers me when I attend the all-class events or school events, and I'll try to make small talk with a mom, and she'll chat for a polite minute or two and then make an excuse and leave. How do I handle this problem? I don't get why I'm not interesting enough to chat with for a few minutes. I find it very off-putting.

This is easy. Get her to talk about herself.

DP. I haven’t found this effective. They’ll politely tell you about the selves for a few minutes and move on. They want to talk about themselves but only with the cool folks.

[Anonymous]

Is your kid weird? Picky eater? Loud? Messy?

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel better, my kids attend public and most families also never reciprocated.

We are considering private and one huge negative is having friends scattered far away. My social kids hang out with their friends multiple times per week, often organized by my kids and me.

I have given up on why people don’t host us. DH and I both get invited out with other adult friends. We just aren’t getting invited to any family hangouts from school.

[Anonymous]

It has nothing to do w/ private vs public. We have kids at both and truly I don’t initiate play dates. My youngest is the same age as yours but I can barely come up for air with trying to coordinate sports for my oldest 3. I would imagine the families you know are stretched thin, too.

If you feel like you haven’t yet found your people amongst the parents, get involved with the school. Volunteer for a few things and see where you click with people. The moms who are not outgoing at our private tend to love doing the book fair or volunteering in library or the uniform closet (vs the outgoing ones who love the gala and other fundraising things). Put your feelers into enough things until you find your crowd. Also at this point you can’t expect to be friends with people just bc your kids are. My kids make their own friends and I make mine. Sometimes there’s overlap but sometimes not and I wouldn’t push it either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would love some tips on how to be charismatic, as I am definitely not! I have no idea how to be more like that. I'm more of a serious type of introvert who prefers one on one conversation.

The dressing well part is easy to do and I do make an effort in that area. I don't think anyone notices or cares though.

Some of the moms have older kids and yes, those families do hang out together. Most of the class has a child in first grade (our class) and then one in third or fourth. And the rest of the moms have a child in our class and a younger sibling, and they all hang out together. Whenever I invite my child's first grade friends on a playdate out somewhere, the moms always bring the older or younger siblings, which I find a bit annoying. Unless it's a playdate at our house, they always bring the siblings, even if it's an activity the other sibling wouldn't really like. So I feel like we are the odd ones out, being the only only child family in the class because we don't have another family we connect with in that way.

But it really bothers me when I attend the all-class events or school events, and I'll try to make small talk with a mom, and she'll chat for a polite minute or two and then make an excuse and leave. How do I handle this problem? I don't get why I'm not interesting enough to chat with for a few minutes. I find it very off-putting.

Don't expect reciprocation. If you have a kid who always wants playdates (common w/ only children, IME), then understand you'll be doing most of the hosting. My kids were always happy to go on playdates, but never asked to have them. I mean never. They were happy hanging at home, playing w/ sibling, or doing their extracurricular activities. Get your kid involved in a sport or some other activity outside of school.

As for all the advice on how to get people more interested in you, I don't think it has anything to do w/ how you dress/look. It has to do w/ you being boring. Not sure exactly how you work on that, or even if you need to, but just know it's not your clothes, etc. I know plenty of people who are frumpy (yes, even at private schools!), but funny, smart, and great conversationalists who have tons of friends.

Also does your child play well with siblings?

Bingo. My kid is an only and kind of weird and doesn’t do well with the siblings. So we only have a few families she does well with who appreciate or are comfortable with her (said with so much love.)