Unexpected conversations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP update. Apparently my asking for the other girl’s contact information was the first that best friend’s mom knew what was going on between my DD and best friend re the “making a face” at other girl allegation.

Then my DD told me that best friend has been saying every time they discuss it, “Do not tell my mom about this. Do not tell my mom about this.”

I asked my DD whether best friend could possibly have romantic feelings for the other girl. She looked very unhappy and said that she wasn’t sure.

So I’m thinking that she is currently considering that possibility to explain the extreme behavior.

Your OP said this is the best friend's girlfriend, so obviously yes there are romantic feelings. I don't understand your update.

Np. You misread.

Op, if best friend's mom isn't even aware of the situation, say something to her like "your dd Jill has been arguing with Joanie every time they see each other about this. Joanie has tried to apologize and Jill refuses to accept it, and continues to pick fights with jill. So I'm going to have Joanie hold off on hanging out with Jill for a while."

[Anonymous]

The best friend is insane and I am pretty sure her family is reinforcing it.
I have a very low drama son so I probably am not an expert but I would suggest slow fade with best friend before it gets to some other drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened in Jan/Feb Super Bowl?

Your daughter’s friend is a mental case. Help your daughter make new friends elsewhere.

I’d make a face too if some new 11 yo told me they were having GF or BF problems.

Every 11 yo we know would roll their eyes at 11 yo dating drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Best friend is a lifetime friendship. They literally do not remember a time when they weren’t best friends. This is tearing my DD up. Best friend and her mom have been our family.

Taken a break. Your DD is letting this girl steamroll her.

If it helps, my long time BFF and I had some rough years in middle school. She was (and is) a very out front personality, and I am more of a watcher. I pulled away when she got to be “too much”, in a few different ways.

We are still BFFs. We were in each other’s weddings 20 years later.

[Anonymous]

Well if you're not a troll -

I would have stepped in well before that to stop another kid abusing my child, OP.

This is nothing more than bullying.

I think you should apologize to your daughter for not defending her, and you should explain that the other kid was incredibly insecure about this revelation and decided to punish your kid for looking surprised or shocked or uncomprehending (which is entirely normal).
That sometimes insecure people do this, but that others don't deserve to be their punching bag.

No need to involve other parents. Tell your child to avoid this girl in the future, until she's calmed down somewhat. Your child does not owe anyone an apology and did nothing wrong.

Now the usual corollary to this kind of story is when the bully tells everyone at school that OP's child is anti-gay, and then OP's child is cancelled and ostracized. In any school I know of, that wouldn't happen, because kids know very well that some people like to exaggerate and dramatize, and OP's kid would just keep living her life with other friends, unconcerned at the loss of this ertswhile friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really confused. Why is the best friend’s mom even involved in this and why is she saying “leave the other girl out of it.” It is a face your daughter (allegedly) made at the other girl, and her daughter is the that has nothing to do with this as well as her mom.

Does your daughter even see this other girl anymore? So they all go to school together? Personally I wouldn’t want my DD to be friends with either girls. They both sound mentally troubled

I think OP talked to the mom to get the other girl’s info so her DD can apologize. Does DD feel eke needs to apologize? It’s unclear whether she thinks sue was wrong or is just being bullied by her friend. I am one of the people posting that the friendship has run its course but if your daughter is really determined to try to salvage it, I would suggest she write an apology to be delivered by best friend to the other girl and then tell best friend that she has apologized and is done talking about this situation. Better to move on with other friends, but I know DD may not be receptive to this. If DD is not receptive to ending bad friendship, start talking to her about what she thinks makes good friends and good relationships so she can figure out if this best friend is just bad news for her.

Absolutely not. I think with a written apology, the most likely thing to happen in this situation is that they still tell her it's not enough and then it will get quoted out of context, shared in social media, and blow up the thing even further out of proportion than it already is.

The friendship is over, much as OP's DD may try and try. The so-called BF is totally out of line and has crossed over into bullying. OP should talk with DD about how BF is not being a good friend. Good friends give each other grace. Maybe she did "make a face", who knows, but in that case a real BF might raise the issue, accept the apology and move on for goodness sake. This has been going on for months.

This! Do NOT have your daughter put anything in writing. Especially nothing admitting fault. That will just haunt her and give the other girls something tangible to basically blackmail her with.

Honestly best friend and the other girl sound terrible. They’re making your DD feel way too bad about what should have maybe been a 30 second issue. The whole concept of dating grossed me out still at 11. I’d probably have made a face too.

Do not write a letter.

Nothing will get the nasty BFF now frenemy to back down. Apologies don’t work for bad agents; it further fuels their attacking.

Sorry but their (friend, possibly the mother) behavior is exactly that: nasty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update. Apparently my asking for the other girl’s contact information was the first that best friend’s mom knew what was going on between my DD and best friend re the “making a face” at other girl allegation.

Then my DD told me that best friend has been saying every time they discuss it, “Do not tell my mom about this. Do not tell my mom about this.”

I asked my DD whether best friend could possibly have romantic feelings for the other girl. She looked very unhappy and said that she wasn’t sure.

So I’m thinking that she is currently considering that possibility to explain the extreme behavior.

Not an excuse for harassing and bullying your daughter for months.

She can take her gender and sexual orientation confusion stress out at the gym, not your daughter.

Textbook bullying and manipulation: “don’t tell me mom about my $hitty behavior towards you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened in Jan/Feb Super Bowl?

Your daughter’s friend is a mental case. Help your daughter make new friends elsewhere.

I’d make a face too if some new 11 yo told me they were having GF or BF problems.

Every 11 yo we know would roll their eyes at 11 yo dating drama

This. My 11 yo DD would have the same reaction - whether the couple in question was gay, straight, or anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really confused. Why is the best friend’s mom even involved in this and why is she saying “leave the other girl out of it.” It is a face your daughter (allegedly) made at the other girl, and her daughter is the that has nothing to do with this as well as her mom.

Does your daughter even see this other girl anymore? So they all go to school together? Personally I wouldn’t want my DD to be friends with either girls. They both sound mentally troubled

I think OP talked to the mom to get the other girl’s info so her DD can apologize. Does DD feel eke needs to apologize? It’s unclear whether she thinks sue was wrong or is just being bullied by her friend. I am one of the people posting that the friendship has run its course but if your daughter is really determined to try to salvage it, I would suggest she write an apology to be delivered by best friend to the other girl and then tell best friend that she has apologized and is done talking about this situation. Better to move on with other friends, but I know DD may not be receptive to this. If DD is not receptive to ending bad friendship, start talking to her about what she thinks makes good friends and good relationships so she can figure out if this best friend is just bad news for her.

Absolutely not. I think with a written apology, the most likely thing to happen in this situation is that they still tell her it's not enough and then it will get quoted out of context, shared in social media, and blow up the thing even further out of proportion than it already is.

The friendship is over, much as OP's DD may try and try. The so-called BF is totally out of line and has crossed over into bullying. OP should talk with DD about how BF is not being a good friend. Good friends give each other grace. Maybe she did "make a face", who knows, but in that case a real BF might raise the issue, accept the apology and move on for goodness sake. This has been going on for months.

Agreed. Absolutely no to the "written apology." This "BFF" likes drama and is practicing a form of bullying in the "you must have the correct thoughts and opinions" realm.

OP's DD says exactly one more time "I've apologized already. I'm not talking about this again." And that's that.

[Anonymous]

Why are 11 year olds having playdates?

I wouldn’t allow my child to continue hanging out with these freak friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened in Jan/Feb Super Bowl?

Your daughter’s friend is a mental case. Help your daughter make new friends elsewhere.

I’d make a face too if some new 11 yo told me they were having GF or BF problems.

NP. Yes, agree, although it’s rather harsh to phrase her as a “mental case.”

OP - the situation you describe goes way beyond normal teenage drama.

I suspect the reason the “friend” is pushing this to the extreme is she knows she can “play the victim” here, and she knows today’s culture in this area will have a knee-jerk reaction of defending the oppressed LGTBQIA+ child, without regard to the facts.

Best course of action would be to avoid that family entirely and make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Are they in the same school? Doing camp together this summer? If possible, get DD involved in other activities this summer as much as you can. Be too busy to get together with this friend for a while. Time apart may be what they need, like the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update. Apparently my asking for the other girl’s contact information was the first that best friend’s mom knew what was going on between my DD and best friend re the “making a face” at other girl allegation.

Then my DD told me that best friend has been saying every time they discuss it, “Do not tell my mom about this. Do not tell my mom about this.”

I asked my DD whether best friend could possibly have romantic feelings for the other girl. She looked very unhappy and said that she wasn’t sure.

So I’m thinking that she is currently considering that possibility to explain the extreme behavior.

So, you’re looking for an excuse so that you can keep hanging out with these people?

Protect your daughter please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is 11? The reaction seems age appropriTe

Totally. I can see an 11 year old making a face when a girl says they like a boy.

Horrible that anyone would try to make her feel like she's a bigot.

Best Friend is not a best friend. I'd tell my DD to distance herself from the "BF".

[Anonymous]

OP, what is the issue with your daughter making the face at the other's friends revelation? Are they attacking your daughter because they assume the surprised or disapproving look means she's homophobic? This is nuts to be dealing with for an 11-year-old.