Unexpected conversations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Best friend is a lifetime friendship. They literally do not remember a time when they weren’t best friends. This is tearing my DD up. Best friend and her mom have been our family.

I don’t understand by best friend is so upset about this- months later. Is best friend gay? How does the other girl, the one your daughter made the face to feel? Does she even care anymore? Do they see each other at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really confused. Why is the best friend’s mom even involved in this and why is she saying “leave the other girl out of it.” It is a face your daughter (allegedly) made at the other girl, and her daughter is the that has nothing to do with this as well as her mom.

Does your daughter even see this other girl anymore? So they all go to school together? Personally I wouldn’t want my DD to be friends with either girls. They both sound mentally troubled

I think OP talked to the mom to get the other girl’s info so her DD can apologize. Does DD feel eke needs to apologize? It’s unclear whether she thinks sue was wrong or is just being bullied by her friend. I am one of the people posting that the friendship has run its course but if your daughter is really determined to try to salvage it, I would suggest she write an apology to be delivered by best friend to the other girl and then tell best friend that she has apologized and is done talking about this situation. Better to move on with other friends, but I know DD may not be receptive to this. If DD is not receptive to ending bad friendship, start talking to her about what she thinks makes good friends and good relationships so she can figure out if this best friend is just bad news for her.

Absolutely not. I think with a written apology, the most likely thing to happen in this situation is that they still tell her it's not enough and then it will get quoted out of context, shared in social media, and blow up the thing even further out of proportion than it already is.

The friendship is over, much as OP's DD may try and try. The so-called BF is totally out of line and has crossed over into bullying. OP should talk with DD about how BF is not being a good friend. Good friends give each other grace. Maybe she did "make a face", who knows, but in that case a real BF might raise the issue, accept the apology and move on for goodness sake. This has been going on for months.

This! Do NOT have your daughter put anything in writing. Especially nothing admitting fault. That will just haunt her and give the other girls something tangible to basically blackmail her with.

Honestly best friend and the other girl sound terrible. They’re making your DD feel way too bad about what should have maybe been a 30 second issue. The whole concept of dating grossed me out still at 11. I’d probably have made a face too.

I suggested the written apology and I guess you’re right- I was thinking along the lines of “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt. I enjoyed meeting you and really do think you are a nice person. Good luck with everything,” kind of thing, not a long screed admitting fault or bias against gays or even 11 year olds in relationships, but I hear you on things taken out of context. On that note, if the friend has DD practicing the apology (WTF!) who knows if that is being recorded.

[Anonymous]

This really sounds like kind of textbook, relational aggression. That’s so common among middle school girls. Obviously this is made more complex by the fact that this girl and her mom are “family“ to you. I would suggest you try to separate these relationships in your own mind. It’s almost a guarantee that during middle, and in the high school, this friendship would change dramatically and not be so close anymore. Sometimes girls this age just have to act awful to each other to “break up“ because they don’t know any other way to do it. I strongly vote for taking a break And just try to keep open communication with your mom friend as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Best friend is a lifetime friendship. They literally do not remember a time when they weren’t best friends. This is tearing my DD up. Best friend and her mom have been our family.

What does the mom say? If she isn't working on her end to get her kid to drop this, then I don't see a way forward other than just taking a break from this relationship. It sucks.

This, OP. Think about how many people have toxic relationships with (blood) family members. That doesn't mean you stay in the relationship.

I think since it's dragged on this long you tell the other mom it's best for their relationship if they take a break from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Best friend is a lifetime friendship. They literally do not remember a time when they weren’t best friends. This is tearing my DD up. Best friend and her mom have been our family.

My 11 yo son's best friend since preschool did a similar thing. Accused him of something and then badgered him about it endlessly. It was just miserable for my kid. And it's really hard for me to understand why the other kid was so obsessed with the issue and why his mom (my friend) didn't put an end to it.

Their friendship ended. My son all along said he really wanted to agree to disagree and move on. But the other kid wouldn't let it go. My friendship with the mom ended.

It was very painful for my son. Focusing on his other friends has helped. It's gotten easier with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Best friend is a lifetime friendship. They literally do not remember a time when they weren’t best friends. This is tearing my DD up. Best friend and her mom have been our family.

Baloney. If they are like family the other girl would not seek to rehash and constantly tear your daughter down. She isn’t a best friend, she clearly dislikes your daughter. And her mother is crazy…if they are like family why won’t she intervene and tell her kid to drop it? Face it, these people don’t like you guys. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a mess. There is no answer tit his, instantly apologizing would have still gotten YOUR daughter bullied, and at this point of mess your daughter is also bullied.

We go to a super liberal social justice progressive school and kids are sent to the principals office nonstop for any and all comments. Not making a face accusations yet but I’m sure they’d lap up that too.

Your daughter should say she meant no harm or judgment, and see if the other two girls /families will move on or believe that. If they don’t, make new friends because those are nuts and on a power trip of some sort.

This

[Anonymous]

OP update. Apparently my asking for the other girl’s contact information was the first that best friend’s mom knew what was going on between my DD and best friend re the “making a face” at other girl allegation.

Then my DD told me that best friend has been saying every time they discuss it, “Do not tell my mom about this. Do not tell my mom about this.”

I asked my DD whether best friend could possibly have romantic feelings for the other girl. She looked very unhappy and said that she wasn’t sure.

So I’m thinking that she is currently considering that possibility to explain the extreme behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update. Apparently my asking for the other girl’s contact information was the first that best friend’s mom knew what was going on between my DD and best friend re the “making a face” at other girl allegation.

Then my DD told me that best friend has been saying every time they discuss it, “Do not tell my mom about this. Do not tell my mom about this.”

I asked my DD whether best friend could possibly have romantic feelings for the other girl. She looked very unhappy and said that she wasn’t sure.

So I’m thinking that she is currently considering that possibility to explain the extreme behavior.

You are way too involved. Tell your kid to distance herself. Stop trying to figure out what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

OP. Yes. Good advice. I will try.

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate them.

[Anonymous]

11-yo drama is the worst. I'm sorry OP. If it's not about this issue, it will be about some other thing. I agree that you need to remain calm and teach your daughter how to manage dramatic friends without getting upset herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11-yo drama is the worst. I'm sorry OP. If it's not about this issue, it will be about some other thing. I agree that you need to remain calm and teach your daughter how to manage dramatic friends without getting upset herself.

+100. This is just something in which you need to be a coach and not a player. I'm sorry because I know that affects your close friendship with BF's mom, but this is unhealthy all the way around.

[Anonymous]

This girl is clearly not your child's best friend. I would encourage your child to drop the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update. Apparently my asking for the other girl’s contact information was the first that best friend’s mom knew what was going on between my DD and best friend re the “making a face” at other girl allegation.

Then my DD told me that best friend has been saying every time they discuss it, “Do not tell my mom about this. Do not tell my mom about this.”

I asked my DD whether best friend could possibly have romantic feelings for the other girl. She looked very unhappy and said that she wasn’t sure.

So I’m thinking that she is currently considering that possibility to explain the extreme behavior.

Your OP said this is the best friend's girlfriend, so obviously yes there are romantic feelings. I don't understand your update.

[Anonymous]

No, that is not what the original post said.