Wish I'd had another kid regret?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ive always wanted 3, but when I was pregnant with number 1 at 34, I knew I wouldn’t make it to 3. Had number 2 at 36 and am even more convicted that while it would be glorious to have 3, I am not built for it. I know I can be an excellent mother to 2, maintain a happy marriage, have a meaningful career, and invest in self care, family and friends.

I just don’t see how that happens with 3. And God forbid that kid have special needs. I fear it would break me. I still have pangs for a third and the nagging feeling that someone is not here yet. I might just have to meet that baby in heaven one day.

I’m 34, conflicted about having a third, and this makes me sad. Nervous to go back to that first 18 months, and thankful for the two kids I have. Plus the expense, and wanting to have some free time for my own pursuits. But also don’t want to regret not doing it in ten years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ive always wanted 3, but when I was pregnant with number 1 at 34, I knew I wouldn’t make it to 3. Had number 2 at 36 and am even more convicted that while it would be glorious to have 3, I am not built for it. I know I can be an excellent mother to 2, maintain a happy marriage, have a meaningful career, and invest in self care, family and friends.

I just don’t see how that happens with 3. And God forbid that kid have special needs. I fear it would break me. I still have pangs for a third and the nagging feeling that someone is not here yet. I might just have to meet that baby in heaven one day.

I’m 34, conflicted about having a third, and this makes me sad. Nervous to go back to that first 18 months, and thankful for the two kids I have. Plus the expense, and wanting to have some free time for my own pursuits. But also don’t want to regret not doing it in ten years.

Me too. I'm in exactly the same position. Hopefully, I'll have made up my mind 3-4 years from now.

[Anonymous]

I felt that way after my second at 34. I always wondered what if? My husband didn’t really want a third, but said he would support what I wanted to do. But I was always hesitant to pull the trigger on a third. I was enjoying my second child without having to worry about another pregnancy! It was nice. Now I’m 44 and too old. I am glad we just have two. It is easier. I do get pangs at times when I see larger families but then I remember I am more high strung, I like calm, and our finances wouldn’t have supported a third. Two kids is right for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt that way after my second at 34. I always wondered what if? My husband didn’t really want a third, but said he would support what I wanted to do. But I was always hesitant to pull the trigger on a third. I was enjoying my second child without having to worry about another pregnancy! It was nice. Now I’m 44 and too old. I am glad we just have two. It is easier. I do get pangs at times when I see larger families but then I remember I am more high strung, I like calm, and our finances wouldn’t have supported a third. Two kids is right for our family.

Similar boat here. It's hard because we always said "2 or 3," but in end, you can only have a fixed whole number of kids. I'm almost 38 and had my 2nd at 30. DH and I had an emotional discussion a few months ago and he set out the case for why he thinks 3 would be terrible, but then told me that if I really want 3 (like I would regret it forever if we didn't), we could make it happen... I just keep thinking that if something went wrong with another pregnancy or with the kid, I'd feel like I was responsible in some way, because he doesn't want 3. Whereas we had both agreed on having the first 2. And it's true that having 2 with almost no family support and 2 full time jobs is challenging, to say the least. I still get sad or jealous when I see others with 3 kids (I feel like it's almost a status symbol among professional women now), but I'm also anxious, high strung, hated being pregnant etc. (I actually blame myself that I wasn't more relaxed during the first 2 pregnancies and early childhoods- maybe that would have put my DH more at ease about 3. 2 is still excellent though!)

[Anonymous]

I had too many moms of three tell me quietly but honestly that while they love their third kid, they wish they had stopped at two. We weren't fully committed to the third, so we didn't have one. I still love babies, but I love the life that we have with our two teens and I love the travel we are able to do, the amount we are able to give them for college and the ways that we will be able to help them out later on, all of which would have been less if divided by three.

[Anonymous]

I knew I wanted 3 and now have 3. It’s busy but I still feel like I get a solid amount me time and I really enjoy the family dynamic.

Sometimes I do wonder if I should consider a 4th but I think that would impact my career and would end up being a lot to juggle.

In the end, the amount of kids you can successfully parent is influenced by so many factors that you just have to make a decision based on your lifestyle, finances, energy levels etc etc etc and have the confidence in yourself to know you made the right choice for your own unique situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 45 i got unexpectedly pregnant. I’m now much more stressed about college savings and our house size and also whether our middle child will have coping issues as is common. Also my career will take a hit just as I was about to lean back in after the preschool years. We’ll deal with all the changes and this child is already loved but I’m keenly aware of the sacrifices and trade offs that will take for everyone in our family.

Gah these stories make me nervous. We’re you using any sort of BC?

No I was not because I had done ivf at 35 and due to what was thought to be insufficient egg quality. My obgyn had warned me it was possible but I thought she was crazy, and family history of cancer meant I wanted to avoid hormones. Lesson learned! Vasectomy in the works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the longing for another. Each child is really a roll of the dice. We should all be happy for the healthy children that we have. Each of my pregnancies, I was so anxious because I just wanted the baby, and consequently child, to be ok, "normal". I don't wish or long for those days. Glad to be out of the baby game with two healthy typical kids.

This is a ridiculous way of thinking. At any point the train can jump the tracks. I had three healthy, typical pregnancies, and kids, and then boom - severe mental illness at while away at college at age 19.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had too many moms of three tell me quietly but honestly that while they love their third kid, they wish they had stopped at two. We weren't fully committed to the third, so we didn't have one. I still love babies, but I love the life that we have with our two teens and I love the travel we are able to do, the amount we are able to give them for college and the ways that we will be able to help them out later on, all of which would have been less if divided by three.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt that way after my second at 34. I always wondered what if? My husband didn’t really want a third, but said he would support what I wanted to do. But I was always hesitant to pull the trigger on a third. I was enjoying my second child without having to worry about another pregnancy! It was nice. Now I’m 44 and too old. I am glad we just have two. It is easier. I do get pangs at times when I see larger families but then I remember I am more high strung, I like calm, and our finances wouldn’t have supported a third. Two kids is right for our family.

Similar boat here. It's hard because we always said "2 or 3," but in end, you can only have a fixed whole number of kids. I'm almost 38 and had my 2nd at 30. DH and I had an emotional discussion a few months ago and he set out the case for why he thinks 3 would be terrible, but then told me that if I really want 3 (like I would regret it forever if we didn't), we could make it happen... I just keep thinking that if something went wrong with another pregnancy or with the kid, I'd feel like I was responsible in some way, because he doesn't want 3. Whereas we had both agreed on having the first 2. And it's true that having 2 with almost no family support and 2 full time jobs is challenging, to say the least. I still get sad or jealous when I see others with 3 kids (I feel like it's almost a status symbol among professional women now), but I'm also anxious, high strung, hated being pregnant etc. (I actually blame myself that I wasn't more relaxed during the first 2 pregnancies and early childhoods- maybe that would have put my DH more at ease about 3. 2 is still excellent though!)

Same exact situation and personality (I’m one of the PPs.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I had an emotional discussion a few months ago and he set out the case for why he thinks 3 would be terrible, but then told me that if I really want 3 (like I would regret it forever if we didn't), we could make it happen...

What a great DH you have. That's almost the opposite situation of my DH and me, where DH says he'll regret it forever if we stop at 2, but I don't want to go through with having a 3rd just because of his desire alone. Maybe I would feel differently if I weren't the one getting pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding.

Anonymous wrote:I still get sad or jealous when I see others with 3 kids (I feel like it's almost a status symbol among professional women now), but I'm also anxious, high strung, hated being pregnant etc.

How do you feel that having 3 kids is a status symbol for professional women? Is it because it proves that the women can juggle 3 kids along with a demanding career? Or is it more about the families being able to afford 3 kids (and 3 college tuitions)? I ask because I have a professional career now, but I think I would quit to be a SAHM if I were to go for a 3rd. Mostly for my sanity. I don't know how families manage 3 kids and 2 full-time jobs, unless the grandparents are living in the same house.

Anonymous wrote:I had too many moms of three tell me quietly but honestly that while they love their third kid, they wish they had stopped at two.

Did they explain why? Is the 3rd kid more work from a personality-perspective, or is it more the juggling of 3 kids? Have they felt they made too many personal sacrifices to care for so many kids, such as stepping back in their careers, hobbies, or social life? I met a new mom of 3, and she said they saved the best for last. She was almost going to forgo a 3rd because of her high-strung 2nd child, but was really happy with her family of 5. A part of me is also worried about ruining my body further with a 3rd pregnancy and round of breastfeeding.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why dual-working couples choose to have three kids. If you love kids *that much* that you go above and beyond the norm, why don’t you also want to spend most of your time with them?

The wealthy three kid families I know are overscheduled and depend on “the nanny” for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why dual-working couples choose to have three kids. If you love kids *that much* that you go above and beyond the norm, why don’t you also want to spend most of your time with them?

The wealthy three kid families I know are overscheduled and depend on “the nanny” for everything.

Uh, maybe some of us work to afford the three kids. It’s great if one spouse is a big law partner and the other spouse can have a flexible career or stay home, but most of us are two earner families saving for retirement, college, paying for camp, childcare, preschools, private schools/living in a decent school district, extracurriculars, and the rising cost of everything - even regular haircuts for a family of five is expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 45 i got unexpectedly pregnant. I’m now much more stressed about college savings and our house size and also whether our middle child will have coping issues as is common. Also my career will take a hit just as I was about to lean back in after the preschool years. We’ll deal with all the changes and this child is already loved but I’m keenly aware of the sacrifices and trade offs that will take for everyone in our family.

How far along are you? Just because you are pregnant at 45 doesn’t mean you will be giving birth. So many pregnancies end in miscarriage at that age…sorry to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why dual-working couples choose to have three kids. If you love kids *that much* that you go above and beyond the norm, why don’t you also want to spend most of your time with them?

The wealthy three kid families I know are overscheduled and depend on “the nanny” for everything.

Uh, maybe some of us work to afford the three kids. It’s great if one spouse is a big law partner and the other spouse can have a flexible career or stay home, but most of us are two earner families saving for retirement, college, paying for camp, childcare, preschools, private schools/living in a decent school district, extracurriculars, and the rising cost of everything - even regular haircuts for a family of five is expensive.

Then… don’t stretch yourself by having three brats when you can only afford two