Wish I'd had another kid regret?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this regret about not having a third (am now 45).
It would have killed my career esp during covid, plus one of my kids (they are 7 and 9) has adhd and needs extra attn. BUT I still find myself thinking about this every day. Anyone else in the same boat? How do I get past this feeling? URGH.

Damn you too old now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this regret about not having a third (am now 45).
It would have killed my career esp during covid, plus one of my kids (they are 7 and 9) has adhd and needs extra attn. BUT I still find myself thinking about this every day. Anyone else in the same boat? How do I get past this feeling? URGH.

You are lucky, count your blessings.

Lucky why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this regret about not having a third (am now 45).
It would have killed my career esp during covid, plus one of my kids (they are 7 and 9) has adhd and needs extra attn. BUT I still find myself thinking about this every day. Anyone else in the same boat? How do I get past this feeling? URGH.

No. I'm very thankful for not having another one. I love my kids but having kids gives lot of stress and drains lot of money. We are donut hole family so literally spent a fortune on colleges.

You aren't a donut hole family. You are a comfortable family who choose expensive schools for your kids.

Pardon my ignorance but what is a donut hole family?

NP. I think it means they don’t make that much money but make too much to qualify for financial aid? Like they just got left out of the donut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 45 i got unexpectedly pregnant. I’m now much more stressed about college savings and our house size and also whether our middle child will have coping issues as is common. Also my career will take a hit just as I was about to lean back in after the preschool years. We’ll deal with all the changes and this child is already loved but I’m keenly aware of the sacrifices and trade offs that will take for everyone in our family.

Gah these stories make me nervous. We’re you using any sort of BC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this regret about not having a third (am now 45).
It would have killed my career esp during covid, plus one of my kids (they are 7 and 9) has adhd and needs extra attn. BUT I still find myself thinking about this every day. Anyone else in the same boat? How do I get past this feeling? URGH.

No. I'm very thankful for not having another one. I love my kids but having kids gives lot of stress and drains lot of money. We are donut hole family so literally spent a fortune on colleges.

You aren't a donut hole family. You are a comfortable family who choose expensive schools for your kids.

Pardon my ignorance but what is a donut hole family?

NP. I think it means they don’t make that much money but make too much to qualify for financial aid? Like they just got left out of the donut?

It means they have a good salary but preferred to spend their money vs save and expect their kids to go to a pricy college for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel that way (I'm 43)...but it gets less and less as time goes by. I think things have become a bit more demanding as they've got older. I put my focus on all the pluses of having 2. I do sometimes get pangs of remorse or sadness, but it passes because I know it's more based on fantasy instead of the logical reality. Two is best for our family, regardless of what I might have wanted.

This is almost exactly my situation. Over the past couple of years I've shifted from desperately wanting another to contentment with the two children I have. When my kids were younger, I wanted a third by my husband was against it. I still get pangs of regret sometimes but at this point, if my partner was to suggest a third, I would say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel that way (I'm 43)...but it gets less and less as time goes by. I think things have become a bit more demanding as they've got older. I put my focus on all the pluses of having 2. I do sometimes get pangs of remorse or sadness, but it passes because I know it's more based on fantasy instead of the logical reality. Two is best for our family, regardless of what I might have wanted.

This is almost exactly my situation. Over the past couple of years I've shifted from desperately wanting another to contentment with the two children I have. When my kids were younger, I wanted a third by my husband was against it. I still get pangs of regret sometimes but at this point, if my partner was to suggest a third, I would say no.

My DH said no, too. He was so adamant that he stopped having sex with me for a number of years. When I got an IUD, he decides to start being intimate again and said he would not mind if we had a third. It was too late by then, of course, plus we had fertility treatments to get the kids we have. I still feel regret and resentment. I’ve been fiercely loyal to him my whole life, but after what he did, something died in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel that way (I'm 43)...but it gets less and less as time goes by. I think things have become a bit more demanding as they've got older. I put my focus on all the pluses of having 2. I do sometimes get pangs of remorse or sadness, but it passes because I know it's more based on fantasy instead of the logical reality. Two is best for our family, regardless of what I might have wanted.

This is almost exactly my situation. Over the past couple of years I've shifted from desperately wanting another to contentment with the two children I have. When my kids were younger, I wanted a third by my husband was against it. I still get pangs of regret sometimes but at this point, if my partner was to suggest a third, I would say no.

My DH said no, too. He was so adamant that he stopped having sex with me for a number of years. When I got an IUD, he decides to start being intimate again and said he would not mind if we had a third. It was too late by then, of course, plus we had fertility treatments to get the kids we have. I still feel regret and resentment. I’ve been fiercely loyal to him my whole life, but after what he did, something died in me.

+1. Very similar situation here. I feel the sadness and resentment daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this regret about not having a third (am now 45).
It would have killed my career esp during covid, plus one of my kids (they are 7 and 9) has adhd and needs extra attn. BUT I still find myself thinking about this every day. Anyone else in the same boat? How do I get past this feeling? URGH.

The opposite. Have two and wish I had stopped at one. #2 is a monumental pita. No way in hell would I want a third knowing it could turn out to be like #2.

Same. Daily regrets. I guess the life lesson here is, we regret everything, no matter what it was -- grass is always greener on the other side of the imaginary fence.

[Anonymous]

I’m a few years younger than OP. Yes, always wanted a third & still do. Spouse did/does not. The feeling hasn’t disappeared, but it’s gotten less intense over the years. If spouse changed his mind, I’d happily agree. But that’s unlikely, so I’m trying to focus on the kids I have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the longing for another. Each child is really a roll of the dice. We should all be happy for the healthy children that we have. Each of my pregnancies, I was so anxious because I just wanted the baby, and consequently child, to be ok, "normal". I don't wish or long for those days. Glad to be out of the baby game with two healthy typical kids.

This level of anxiety is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the longing for another. Each child is really a roll of the dice. We should all be happy for the healthy children that we have. Each of my pregnancies, I was so anxious because I just wanted the baby, and consequently child, to be ok, "normal". I don't wish or long for those days. Glad to be out of the baby game with two healthy typical kids.

This level of anxiety is not normal.

DP here. Maybe it should be. I work at a school and the number of kids with IEP’s, 504’s, other random behavior issues or mental health issues is unreal. Unreal.

[Anonymous]

I am your exact same age. I do have 3 but I had my last at age 38, almost 39. She is now 6. Sounds like you started on the late side. You shouldn’t have regrets. You have 2 kids! I have single childless friends who are our age and they will not have biological children.

I think it is natural to be a little sad. If I were younger, I would not have minded a fourth child. I am not younger and our family is complete.

[Anonymous]

Ive always wanted 3, but when I was pregnant with number 1 at 34, I knew I wouldn’t make it to 3. Had number 2 at 36 and am even more convicted that while it would be glorious to have 3, I am not built for it. I know I can be an excellent mother to 2, maintain a happy marriage, have a meaningful career, and invest in self care, family and friends.

I just don’t see how that happens with 3. And God forbid that kid have special needs. I fear it would break me. I still have pangs for a third and the nagging feeling that someone is not here yet. I might just have to meet that baby in heaven one day.

[Anonymous]

OP you never know what a third could have done to your marriage. All the families in my extended family with 3+ children are divorced and the stress of multiple kids was a big factor in all the relationships failing.