Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are calling OP enmeshed because she was a decently behaved teen and cares that he mom is upset. I have a very different definition of enmeshed. Op, you sound like a normal, caring person. I have a sibling whose adult child is a d-ck to them and I feel really badly for them. It hurts because they love them, and it’s really hard when you love someone and tried to do right by them, and they reject you. That’s not narcissism — that’s human.

No, we are reacting to the lack of acknowledgment on the part of OP and her parents that her sibling suffered from ADHD but was not medicated. It's obvious from your reply that you don't understand how terrible that is. Kids who have moderate to severe ADHD and are without meds cannot control their impulses, don't have a good sense of time, cannot get organized and may always be tardy despite their best efforts. It's immensely stressful to know that even when you try your best, you are going to forget something important. You beat yourself up every day. Others criticize you, call you lazy and dumb. It torpedos your self-esteem and sets you up for lifelong insecurity, with all its private and professional consequences for adult life. It is traumatic, and I do not use this word lightly.

So no. Refusing to treat diagnosed ADHD is parental neglect. I am very serious about this. OP's story happened a generation ago, and who knows how the parents were educated on the subject. But they did know something was wrong, ADHD was mentioned, they talked to a psych, they could have sought a second opinion, and tried meds anyway... and they did not.

I can totally relate to the sibling's deep sense of anger, betrayal and resentment, if no one in the family is willing to acknowledge that they did not treat this child as they should have.

I also think that if this person is in their 40s, they should have moved on already, even with a lack of family apology.
But this is where they are right now. And OP and family still have no clue and continue to blame the sibling.

If I were the sibling, I'd have written off my family a long time ago.

You are projecting and inventing a he!! of a lot into OP’s posts.

Also, very, very few professionals were diagnosing and treating ADHD until maybe 2000–XDH didn’t get a diagnosis until 2015 and his brother, who had serious issues and was treated by a highly-regarded Bethesda specialist, didn’t get a diagnosis until about 2000.

But sure, flame the parents for what you rush to call “neglect” even though they did they best they could with the knowledge that was available at the time. It’s soooo convenient to blame others, isn’t it?

If it isn’t obvious, I’m really sick of DCUM’s whiny adult children who think they’re the star of everybody else’s lives and everybody else is wholly to blame. No, there’s no contradiction between having sympathy for XDH and his brother while at the same time being disgusted with deeply self-centered posters like you.

They used to re-train left handed people to be right handed.

The parents thought they were doing the right thing, even when in some cases the child was hit for using their left hand.

You don’t have to “blame” the parents for doing, objectively, the wrong thing, to sympathize with the child who recognizes in adulthood they were mistreated. That’s the adult child’s right. We all deserve to have the truth recognized.

Well great. You’re acknowledging that maybe the parents aren’t total ogres and were perhaps doing the best they could.

Then why is it necessary to castigate OP for being, in your imagination, the golden child who was adored by, again in your imagination, partisan parents who you think neglected and abused the brother?

You made this all up in your rush to blame the parents and OP for everything. It’s gross.

[Anonymous]

Those calling OP "golden child" missed the fact that OP has another sibling like themselves, meaning that two of three children are "golden" in this family.

I suppose it is possible that the problem sibling is completely abused and victimized, but they might also actually be the problem sibling.

Also, it is totally within the realm of the plausible that the problem sibling has a personality that blames others, then they are likely to find something else to blame the parents for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your parents failed your sibling and didn't get her the help she needed. I hope she's getting the therapy and medication she needs now.

+1. You’re in your 40s? Medication management for ADHD was NOT uncommon when you were kids, and ADHD causes a whole host of symptoms and issues beyond being disorganized, including, often, concomitant anxiety and/or depression.

An “organization coach?” GTFOH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. The parents were deeply involved and seemingly invested everything in getting the help the sibling needed. The guidance has changed since then. But they were listening to experts and seemingly doing everything they could. How could you ever call them bad parents? You must never have had a difficult child. How can people do more than this? What would you have done differently? If you say I would have medicated my child, well no, you probably wouldn't have when people who are supposed to be experts were saying you shouldn't, and parents have a (rightfully) high bar for putting their child on medication.

No. Sorry. They’re 40, not 60. Real help was available then. The parents dropped the ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are calling OP enmeshed because she was a decently behaved teen and cares that he mom is upset. I have a very different definition of enmeshed. Op, you sound like a normal, caring person. I have a sibling whose adult child is a d-ck to them and I feel really badly for them. It hurts because they love them, and it’s really hard when you love someone and tried to do right by them, and they reject you. That’s not narcissism — that’s human.

No, we are reacting to the lack of acknowledgment on the part of OP and her parents that her sibling suffered from ADHD but was not medicated. It's obvious from your reply that you don't understand how terrible that is. Kids who have moderate to severe ADHD and are without meds cannot control their impulses, don't have a good sense of time, cannot get organized and may always be tardy despite their best efforts. It's immensely stressful to know that even when you try your best, you are going to forget something important. You beat yourself up every day. Others criticize you, call you lazy and dumb. It torpedos your self-esteem and sets you up for lifelong insecurity, with all its private and professional consequences for adult life. It is traumatic, and I do not use this word lightly.

So no. Refusing to treat diagnosed ADHD is parental neglect. I am very serious about this. OP's story happened a generation ago, and who knows how the parents were educated on the subject. But they did know something was wrong, ADHD was mentioned, they talked to a psych, they could have sought a second opinion, and tried meds anyway... and they did not.

I can totally relate to the sibling's deep sense of anger, betrayal and resentment, if no one in the family is willing to acknowledge that they did not treat this child as they should have.

I also think that if this person is in their 40s, they should have moved on already, even with a lack of family apology.
But this is where they are right now. And OP and family still have no clue and continue to blame the sibling.

If I were the sibling, I'd have written off my family a long time ago.

You are projecting and inventing a he!! of a lot into OP’s posts.

Also, very, very few professionals were diagnosing and treating ADHD until maybe 2000–XDH didn’t get a diagnosis until 2015 and his brother, who had serious issues and was treated by a highly-regarded Bethesda specialist, didn’t get a diagnosis until about 2000.

But sure, flame the parents for what you rush to call “neglect” even though they did they best they could with the knowledge that was available at the time. It’s soooo convenient to blame others, isn’t it?

If it isn’t obvious, I’m really sick of DCUM’s whiny adult children who think they’re the star of everybody else’s lives and everybody else is wholly to blame. No, there’s no contradiction between having sympathy for XDH and his brother while at the same time being disgusted with deeply self-centered posters like you.

WTF? No. Stop talking about things you know nothing about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.

OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.

Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.

This 100% Sorry OP but this is a very common dynamic.

Actually no. I dont know OP and her parents, but paying for college, grad school AND a house cash is not the behavior of a narcissistic parent versus the neglected child.

What’s likely from OP’s description is that their sibling had struggles like ADHD or similar, parents recognized struggles and gave sibling more attention because they recognized that sibling needed it. Sibling still struggled due to issues and suffered. When your brain is a mess and makes you live a messy life you suffer even if parents pay for grad school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.

OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.

Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.

It sounds like the sibling might have had adhd and everyone was in denial and the sibling was constantly punished for it. Sounds like an awful family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know my parents meant well and were very involved. They also didn't want to put me on Ritalin, so they just punished me constantly. For things out of my control. I stood against a wall and would get lectured for hours. I was perpetually grounded, not allowed to watch tv with the family, can count on one hand the times I was allowed to have friends over or go to their houses, made to stand facing the wall each night after dinner for an hour, and for months at a time, not allowed on entire floors of the house. At 19 after failing out of college I got diagnosed with a ton of severe learning disabilies, on top of the untreated ADHD. My parents and school district absolutely failed me.

I also had a perfect sibling. Teach your mom to block your sibling. Your sibling is struggling even now - can't you see that?

I'm so sorry you went through that. You deserved better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your post, I 100% believe your sibling. Sounds like you were the golden child and they were the scapegoat. It probably WAS hard for them....

And look at you, doing your Mom's bidding, even today as a grown adult. You're repeating her messaging (about how difficult your sibling was) and taking on her issues (how this sibling is ruining things and making your mom cry). You've become a flying monkey.

I'd take some time to really look into your family patterns....

So YOU weren't a golden child. Quit beating up on OP because of your own insecurities.

[Anonymous]

The first 2 pages of responses for this post all agree that OP (and their mom) could just block the sibling's posts, and that this sounds like a enmeshed family with possible narcissism and a golden child dynamic.

These type of families live in the shadows all too often, which doesn't help break the cycle. So here are the red flags that I saw in the original post....it great that so many other posters saw them too.


"They were just a very wild baby, crazy child and a difficult personality"- How does OP know that? Maybe they are much older than the sibling, but most people don't remember their sibling as a baby. Are they just repeating (and owning) something they've been told? If so, it's a telltale sign of these types of families. The parent(s) sets the narrative on how everyone is supposed to feel about everything, and you either follow along or you face the consequences.

"They were constantly in trouble (not with the law or in school thankfully!)"- This is another interesting bit of information. How is a child "constantly in trouble" if the law/school are not involved? What strict rules were in the home and how was this child always breaking them? Another thing with these type of families is the black and white thinking which is part of the golden child dynamic. Sounds like this sibling may have been labeled the "bad" kid, so the scapegoat. Even if the scapegoat acts the same as other people in the family, their actions would be seen as wrong. As a side note, it's also interesting that the OP needs to clarify that this wasn't at school or with the law....so the thing that would have made the sibling's issues public knowledge. These families are VERY concerned with public appearance and it seems like OP may be parroting that here.

"Probably the complete opposite of me and my other sibling, who just did what my parents said"- Woah. Your post is to vent about your sibling and we're just a few sentences in and you need to make sure we know that YOU and your other siblings were are the opposite of them. Ok. This feels like the bullying that goes along with the golden child/scapegoat dynamic. Not only does everyone have a role, but the goldens/parents are very invested in making sure the roles stick. It's always super important that they are superior. That way they can put all of the bad traits onto the scapegoat and not have to worry about themselves.

"I'm not bragging, just explaining why my parents found my sibling difficult and it was probably worse in comparison to us"- This also also a speech pattern used in these types of families. They will start with "I don't mean to do this" and then do that exact thing. It's meant as a distraction, so if accused, they can go back and say "but you know I never do this thing". And it may seem silly reading about it here, but it works...especially on kids, because they tend to believe what their parents say. OP may be talking here the way she's been spoken to.


"Every year about a week before Mother's Day my sibling starts the blame game."- Calling it a game minimizes what the sibling is actually going through. These families minimize issues when they don't want to face them.

"spankings (these happened very few times)"- That's an interesting way of minimizing spanking your kids. I guess a few times is ok?

"I think people didn't use Adderall and Ritalin as much then, their psychiatrists recommended against it and my sibling had organizational coaches instead"- Again with the minimizing. Other replies have pointed out that, for people in their 40s, these medications WERE used a lot. So this may not even be true.

"My sibling lived a cushy existence with two incredibly involved parents who cared deeply about them. Parents paid for college, grad school, new cars, and bought them their first house cash."- In these type of families, material goods are provided and equated with being a loving parent. And it's confusing to the kids, because all of their material needs are being met. So it feels like they have everything, but this is all there is. And there are strings attached to these purchases (and not just the big ticket ones). You can see the strings in this post...the things that the parents bought for the sibling are being used to make an argument about how bad/ungrateful the sibling is. How dare the sibling be so difficult when their parents bought them a house. Look at how great these parents are! Wouldn't you be happy if someone bought you a house?

"The people who comment on their instagram posts have real problems, like drug addicted parents who physically and emotionally abused them. But sibling is so vague about their abuse that people think my parents were abusive"- More minimizing. Sibling is being vague and that's the only reason why their insta followers seem to be supporting them. Couldn't possibly be real.

"We're in our 40s now."- Not a lot of words here, but in these type of families, no one wants to be accountable and actually talk about any issues. It's typical to be told that stuff was in the past and to just get over it. I wonder if that's what this is getting at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.

OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.

Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.

This 100% Sorry OP but this is a very common dynamic.

Actually no. I dont know OP and her parents, but paying for college, grad school AND a house cash is not the behavior of a narcissistic parent versus the neglected child.

What’s likely from OP’s description is that their sibling had struggles like ADHD or similar, parents recognized struggles and gave sibling more attention because they recognized that sibling needed it. Sibling still struggled due to issues and suffered. When your brain is a mess and makes you live a messy life you suffer even if parents pay for grad school.

Actually, this is EXACTLY what narcissistic parents do. Those things that they pay for come with MANY strings attached. They use them to control you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.

OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.

Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.

This 100% Sorry OP but this is a very common dynamic.

Actually no. I dont know OP and her parents, but paying for college, grad school AND a house cash is not the behavior of a narcissistic parent versus the neglected child.

What’s likely from OP’s description is that their sibling had struggles like ADHD or similar, parents recognized struggles and gave sibling more attention because they recognized that sibling needed it. Sibling still struggled due to issues and suffered. When your brain is a mess and makes you live a messy life you suffer even if parents pay for grad school.

Actually, this is EXACTLY what narcissistic parents do. Those things that they pay for come with MANY strings attached. They use them to control you.

Oh great, now you’re imagining strings were attached, based on … absolutely nothing OP said. MANY all caps strings, you claim, based on…. What exactly? The you use these imagined strings to make a further huge leap to control and narcissism.

I hope you get the help you need. But projecting onto OP and her parents, especially when you add a huge dose of your own fantasies, isn’t helping anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are calling OP enmeshed because she was a decently behaved teen and cares that he mom is upset. I have a very different definition of enmeshed. Op, you sound like a normal, caring person. I have a sibling whose adult child is a d-ck to them and I feel really badly for them. It hurts because they love them, and it’s really hard when you love someone and tried to do right by them, and they reject you. That’s not narcissism — that’s human.

No, we are reacting to the lack of acknowledgment on the part of OP and her parents that her sibling suffered from ADHD but was not medicated. It's obvious from your reply that you don't understand how terrible that is. Kids who have moderate to severe ADHD and are without meds cannot control their impulses, don't have a good sense of time, cannot get organized and may always be tardy despite their best efforts. It's immensely stressful to know that even when you try your best, you are going to forget something important. You beat yourself up every day. Others criticize you, call you lazy and dumb. It torpedos your self-esteem and sets you up for lifelong insecurity, with all its private and professional consequences for adult life. It is traumatic, and I do not use this word lightly.

So no. Refusing to treat diagnosed ADHD is parental neglect. I am very serious about this. OP's story happened a generation ago, and who knows how the parents were educated on the subject. But they did know something was wrong, ADHD was mentioned, they talked to a psych, they could have sought a second opinion, and tried meds anyway... and they did not.

I can totally relate to the sibling's deep sense of anger, betrayal and resentment, if no one in the family is willing to acknowledge that they did not treat this child as they should have.

I also think that if this person is in their 40s, they should have moved on already, even with a lack of family apology.
But this is where they are right now. And OP and family still have no clue and continue to blame the sibling.

If I were the sibling, I'd have written off my family a long time ago.

You are projecting and inventing a he!! of a lot into OP’s posts.

Also, very, very few professionals were diagnosing and treating ADHD until maybe 2000–XDH didn’t get a diagnosis until 2015 and his brother, who had serious issues and was treated by a highly-regarded Bethesda specialist, didn’t get a diagnosis until about 2000.

But sure, flame the parents for what you rush to call “neglect” even though they did they best they could with the knowledge that was available at the time. It’s soooo convenient to blame others, isn’t it?

If it isn’t obvious, I’m really sick of DCUM’s whiny adult children who think they’re the star of everybody else’s lives and everybody else is wholly to blame. No, there’s no contradiction between having sympathy for XDH and his brother while at the same time being disgusted with deeply self-centered posters like you.

They used to re-train left handed people to be right handed.

The parents thought they were doing the right thing, even when in some cases the child was hit for using their left hand.

You don’t have to “blame” the parents for doing, objectively, the wrong thing, to sympathize with the child who recognizes in adulthood they were mistreated. That’s the adult child’s right. We all deserve to have the truth recognized.

Well great. You’re acknowledging that maybe the parents aren’t total ogres and were perhaps doing the best they could.

Then why is it necessary to castigate OP for being, in your imagination, the golden child who was adored by, again in your imagination, partisan parents who you think neglected and abused the brother?

You made this all up in your rush to blame the parents and OP for everything. It’s gross.

OP is the one who wants to castigate and continue to punish/control sibling. There would be no problem for OP except that they STILL want to change sibling's behavior, while STILL lacking sympathy for sibling's struggles and lack of meaningful help in childhood. You don't have to tear anyone apart to recognize sibling had an unfairly difficult childhood where they were constantly criticized and punished. But instead what OP wants to do now is to continue to do that to sibling because sibling insists on living in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.

OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.

Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.

NP. And you sound like the navel-gazing, mentally-ill sibling that made everyone’s life a living hell growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those calling OP "golden child" missed the fact that OP has another sibling like themselves, meaning that two of three children are "golden" in this family.

I suppose it is possible that the problem sibling is completely abused and victimized, but they might also actually be the problem sibling.

Also, it is totally within the realm of the plausible that the problem sibling has a personality that blames others, then they are likely to find something else to blame the parents for.

And the scapegoat does NOT get a house paid for. I think those posters were way off in their read of the situation. They were projecting.