Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.

OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.

Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.

np So tired of the "blame the mom for everything" . Granted Op doesn't sound like a peach herself but, not everyone is narcissitic. Perhaps they did the best they could and if the sibling had been born today had a different experience? I'm not sure what venting here does anything to be hones.

[Anonymous]

Op, I just want to say I’m on your side. I’m 50 with adhd and I would never blame my parents for challenges I had. They took me to the doctor once thinking I was having seizures because of the adhd and he just sent us home with a recommendation to exercise more. This just sounds like your sibling is stuck in permanent adolescence and blaming others for their life not working out exactly like they wanted it to. Welcome to middle age—none of our lives worked out the way we wanted them to! We all just muddle on. Tell your mom that this is part of his disorder and that she was a good mom. Try to do something with her to take her mind off it.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

[i]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.

OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.

Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.

np So tired of the "blame the mom for everything" . Granted Op doesn't sound like a peach herself but, not everyone is narcissitic. Perhaps they did the best they could and if the sibling had been born today had a different experience? I'm not sure what venting here does anything to be hones.

You’re quoting me and I also tire of “narcissist” being thrown around casually, or as a synonym for selfish/unkind. But there are a lot of narcissist/golden child flags in this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. The parents were deeply involved and seemingly invested everything in getting the help the sibling needed. The guidance has changed since then. But they were listening to experts and seemingly doing everything they could. How could you ever call them bad parents? You must never have had a difficult child. How can people do more than this? What would you have done differently? If you say I would have medicated my child, well no, you probably wouldn't have when people who are supposed to be experts were saying you shouldn't, and parents have a (rightfully) high bar for putting their child on medication.

What people are reacting to is NOT that the sibling thinks they should have been on medication. Maybe they should have, maybe they shouldn't have, time were different, this is an internet posting, whatever....

What's getting a reaction is how much the OP wants to complain about her sister, make sure OP is seen as the good one, and then take on her mom's battles about how much her sibling's truth hurt. It's a very emmeshed family with triangulation and a scapegoat/golden child. OP can help break this dynamic and should.

I also see no proof here that the parents were deeply involved and interested in getting the sibling help. Seems like they were more interested in labeling the sibling as BAD and making sure everyone else in the family agreed.

[Anonymous]

You dealt with your sibling as a “wild baby”?

Your memories and feelings towards your sibling are bound to those of your parents interpretation of them. You’re the good kid who did as expected, like you still do. You’re enmeshed with your mom.

Do about anything that bucks what your mom thinks and you’ll be outed. Your sister bucked it, and that was her sin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your post, I 100% believe your sibling. Sounds like you were the golden child and they were the scapegoat. It probably WAS hard for them....

And look at you, doing your Mom's bidding, even today as a grown adult. You're repeating her messaging (about how difficult your sibling was) and taking on her issues (how this sibling is ruining things and making your mom cry). You've become a flying monkey.

I'd take some time to really look into your family patterns....

You people are unreal. You’re probably one of DCUM’s adult children who thinks they’re a martyr so OP’s sister must be a martyr too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.

OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.

Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.

+1. Narcissistic vibes. Please, you came from a dysfunctional family where you sibling was the scapegoat. Your sibling is rightfully upset. Get off social media, it's not good for you, and tell your mom to do the same. My guess is that your mom loves drama and this is just part of the complex and toxic dynamic that she has created.

And her room was a mess because she had severe untreated ADD. Duh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Three things:

1. Your sibling has untreated ADHD and feels resentment about the lack of medication, because they were probably blamed and shamed for their disability, not to mention that it did not set them on a path for success. There is nothing more traumatic than shaming a child for something they cannot control. Even if it wasn't overt, they couldn't help being compared to you and the other sibling. Even now, the way you phrase it, you are using an accusatory tone and not acknowledging their disability and pain.

2. At the time, it was probably difficult for your parents to know about, accept, and treat this disorder. They have responsibility, but maybe diminished responsibility and should not be held up as monsters by your sibling. Adults need to own their lives, and move forward as best they can with the trauma they suffered as children. We cannot blame our upbringing forever. It is on each one of us to make do.

3. This should not affect the way you celebrate Mother's Day, yours or your mother's. Your relationship with your mother is your own.




Honestly, having grown up with untreated ADHD and having a child with severe ADHD who received services and accommodations early on, then medication in 5th grade, I measure how better his mental health and self-esteem is compared to mine at the same age. Treatment is life-changing.

Your sibling was not parented well for the disorder they have. I hope one day you can acknowledge that to your sibling - it might go a long way towards alleviating a bit of that PTSD they seem to have. Do not make them feel as if you're diminishing what they went through. It will only make them more intent on expressing their resentment.

Thank you for your kind and insightful reply. (np)

[Anonymous]

People on this thread are calling OP enmeshed because she was a decently behaved teen and cares that he mom is upset. I have a very different definition of enmeshed. Op, you sound like a normal, caring person. I have a sibling whose adult child is a d-ck to them and I feel really badly for them. It hurts because they love them, and it’s really hard when you love someone and tried to do right by them, and they reject you. That’s not narcissism — that’s human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are calling OP enmeshed because she was a decently behaved teen and cares that he mom is upset. I have a very different definition of enmeshed. Op, you sound like a normal, caring person. I have a sibling whose adult child is a d-ck to them and I feel really badly for them. It hurts because they love them, and it’s really hard when you love someone and tried to do right by them, and they reject you. That’s not narcissism — that’s human.

No, we are reacting to the lack of acknowledgment on the part of OP and her parents that her sibling suffered from ADHD but was not medicated. It's obvious from your reply that you don't understand how terrible that is. Kids who have moderate to severe ADHD and are without meds cannot control their impulses, don't have a good sense of time, cannot get organized and may always be tardy despite their best efforts. It's immensely stressful to know that even when you try your best, you are going to forget something important. You beat yourself up every day. Others criticize you, call you lazy and dumb. It torpedos your self-esteem and sets you up for lifelong insecurity, with all its private and professional consequences for adult life. It is traumatic, and I do not use this word lightly.

So no. Refusing to treat diagnosed ADHD is parental neglect. I am very serious about this. OP's story happened a generation ago, and who knows how the parents were educated on the subject. But they did know something was wrong, ADHD was mentioned, they talked to a psych, they could have sought a second opinion, and tried meds anyway... and they did not.

I can totally relate to the sibling's deep sense of anger, betrayal and resentment, if no one in the family is willing to acknowledge that they did not treat this child as they should have.

I also think that if this person is in their 40s, they should have moved on already, even with a lack of family apology.
But this is where they are right now. And OP and family still have no clue and continue to blame the sibling.

If I were the sibling, I'd have written off my family a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.

OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.

Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.

np So tired of the "blame the mom for everything" . Granted Op doesn't sound like a peach herself but, not everyone is narcissitic. Perhaps they did the best they could and if the sibling had been born today had a different experience? I'm not sure what venting here does anything to be hones.

+1,000,000

So tired of, “if there’s a problem, it must be mom’s fault because the kid could never be responsible for anything.” That’s a poisonous way of thinking for posters who approach every single relationship this way. The only upside is it seems like only 1-2 posters are afflicted with this entitled and narcissistic AC outlook, although they seem to post constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are calling OP enmeshed because she was a decently behaved teen and cares that he mom is upset. I have a very different definition of enmeshed. Op, you sound like a normal, caring person. I have a sibling whose adult child is a d-ck to them and I feel really badly for them. It hurts because they love them, and it’s really hard when you love someone and tried to do right by them, and they reject you. That’s not narcissism — that’s human.

No, we are reacting to the lack of acknowledgment on the part of OP and her parents that her sibling suffered from ADHD but was not medicated. It's obvious from your reply that you don't understand how terrible that is. Kids who have moderate to severe ADHD and are without meds cannot control their impulses, don't have a good sense of time, cannot get organized and may always be tardy despite their best efforts. It's immensely stressful to know that even when you try your best, you are going to forget something important. You beat yourself up every day. Others criticize you, call you lazy and dumb. It torpedos your self-esteem and sets you up for lifelong insecurity, with all its private and professional consequences for adult life. It is traumatic, and I do not use this word lightly.

So no. Refusing to treat diagnosed ADHD is parental neglect. I am very serious about this. OP's story happened a generation ago, and who knows how the parents were educated on the subject. But they did know something was wrong, ADHD was mentioned, they talked to a psych, they could have sought a second opinion, and tried meds anyway... and they did not.

I can totally relate to the sibling's deep sense of anger, betrayal and resentment, if no one in the family is willing to acknowledge that they did not treat this child as they should have.

I also think that if this person is in their 40s, they should have moved on already, even with a lack of family apology.
But this is where they are right now. And OP and family still have no clue and continue to blame the sibling.

If I were the sibling, I'd have written off my family a long time ago.

You are projecting and inventing a he!! of a lot into OP’s posts.

Also, very, very few professionals were diagnosing and treating ADHD until maybe 2000–XDH didn’t get a diagnosis until 2015 and his brother, who had serious issues and was treated by a highly-regarded Bethesda specialist, didn’t get a diagnosis until about 2000.

But sure, flame the parents for what you rush to call “neglect” even though they did they best they could with the knowledge that was available at the time. It’s soooo convenient to blame others, isn’t it?

If it isn’t obvious, I’m really sick of DCUM’s whiny adult children who think they’re the star of everybody else’s lives and everybody else is wholly to blame. No, there’s no contradiction between having sympathy for XDH and his brother while at the same time being disgusted with deeply self-centered posters like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are calling OP enmeshed because she was a decently behaved teen and cares that he mom is upset. I have a very different definition of enmeshed. Op, you sound like a normal, caring person. I have a sibling whose adult child is a d-ck to them and I feel really badly for them. It hurts because they love them, and it’s really hard when you love someone and tried to do right by them, and they reject you. That’s not narcissism — that’s human.

No, we are reacting to the lack of acknowledgment on the part of OP and her parents that her sibling suffered from ADHD but was not medicated. It's obvious from your reply that you don't understand how terrible that is. Kids who have moderate to severe ADHD and are without meds cannot control their impulses, don't have a good sense of time, cannot get organized and may always be tardy despite their best efforts. It's immensely stressful to know that even when you try your best, you are going to forget something important. You beat yourself up every day. Others criticize you, call you lazy and dumb. It torpedos your self-esteem and sets you up for lifelong insecurity, with all its private and professional consequences for adult life. It is traumatic, and I do not use this word lightly.

So no. Refusing to treat diagnosed ADHD is parental neglect. I am very serious about this. OP's story happened a generation ago, and who knows how the parents were educated on the subject. But they did know something was wrong, ADHD was mentioned, they talked to a psych, they could have sought a second opinion, and tried meds anyway... and they did not.

I can totally relate to the sibling's deep sense of anger, betrayal and resentment, if no one in the family is willing to acknowledge that they did not treat this child as they should have.

I also think that if this person is in their 40s, they should have moved on already, even with a lack of family apology.
But this is where they are right now. And OP and family still have no clue and continue to blame the sibling.

If I were the sibling, I'd have written off my family a long time ago.

You are projecting and inventing a he!! of a lot into OP’s posts.

Also, very, very few professionals were diagnosing and treating ADHD until maybe 2000–XDH didn’t get a diagnosis until 2015 and his brother, who had serious issues and was treated by a highly-regarded Bethesda specialist, didn’t get a diagnosis until about 2000.

But sure, flame the parents for what you rush to call “neglect” even though they did they best they could with the knowledge that was available at the time. It’s soooo convenient to blame others, isn’t it?

If it isn’t obvious, I’m really sick of DCUM’s whiny adult children who think they’re the star of everybody else’s lives and everybody else is wholly to blame. No, there’s no contradiction between having sympathy for XDH and his brother while at the same time being disgusted with deeply self-centered posters like you.

They used to re-train left handed people to be right handed.

The parents thought they were doing the right thing, even when in some cases the child was hit for using their left hand.

You don’t have to “blame” the parents for doing, objectively, the wrong thing, to sympathize with the child who recognizes in adulthood they were mistreated. That’s the adult child’s right. We all deserve to have the truth recognized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. The parents were deeply involved and seemingly invested everything in getting the help the sibling needed. The guidance has changed since then. But they were listening to experts and seemingly doing everything they could. How could you ever call them bad parents? You must never have had a difficult child. How can people do more than this? What would you have done differently? If you say I would have medicated my child, well no, you probably wouldn't have when people who are supposed to be experts were saying you shouldn't, and parents have a (rightfully) high bar for putting their child on medication.

What people are reacting to is NOT that the sibling thinks they should have been on medication. Maybe they should have, maybe they shouldn't have, time were different, this is an internet posting, whatever....

What's getting a reaction is how much the OP wants to complain about her sister, make sure OP is seen as the good one, and then take on her mom's battles about how much her sibling's truth hurt. It's a very emmeshed family with triangulation and a scapegoat/golden child. OP can help break this dynamic and should.

I also see no proof here that the parents were deeply involved and interested in getting the sibling help. Seems like they were more interested in labeling the sibling as BAD and making sure everyone else in the family agreed.

OP describes deep involvement, which, at the time may have been the best you could do:
My sibling lived a cushy existence with two incredibly involved parents who cared deeply about them. Parents paid for college, grad school, new cars, and bought them their first house cash